Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave
Christian's POV
"Ana, please, that is enough, " I say rather forcefully. She has been trying to talk me into looking for the grave of the crack whore. Ever since Teddy was born she continually brings it up. "I don't want to taint our future by focusing on my birth mother. Those are times of my life that I would much rather forget than try to dig up more information about. She is in the past and I would rather keep it that way, " I add with what I think is finality. But I can tell by the look on Ana's face that she isn't ready to give up.
"Christian, you cannot keep pushing everything from your childhood away. You really need to face these things head on and deal with them. How did pushing them further to the back of your mind work for you before we met? I know that look you are giving me is supposed to be intimidating, but I am not intimidated by you anymore, " she says as she walks closer to me. When she reaches me, she pulls me close, leans up to kiss my cheek.
"Ana, most of my memories with her are terrible. She was a horrible mother, why should I find out where she is buried? How is looking for her going to do anything other than just bring all those memories back up? I don't want that shit in my mind. It has been there for too much of my life already, " I confess.
She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly as if she is preparing to talk to a small child. And in some ways, I am like a child, especially when it comes to my birth mom. I know this logically, but for some reason, I can't stop the way I react when anyone mentions her.
"When babies are born they recognize their mothers' voices and prefer their mothers over fathers, grandparents, and siblings. You were born loving her, you need to deal with those feelings you have for her. If you don't, this will continue to be an issue for you. She was your mom and just as Teddy loves me, you loved her. I understand this isn't comfortable for you, and I don't blame you for building walls around that part of your heart, " she calmly states. "The things you experienced were horrible and she should have protected you, but you still loved her. I know you don't want to admit that because you see this as some kind of defect in yourself. But this is just the way we are wired as humans."
And I realize as she is saying this, that I really do have walls built to keep everything from before the Carrick and Grace out of my mind and life. How does she do this? How does she take all of my logical reason and crumble it into dust? How does she see into my heart and see everything about me?
Putting my forehead on hers, I relent a little and reply, "You have made some interesting points, but I am not ready to agree to anything right now. I am willing to think about the points you made. We can discuss this later. Right now while Teddy is sleeping, I want to take you to our bed. I can come up with something better to do than talk about my birth mom."
She looks up at me and bites her lip, it takes my breath away. "Fuck, the lip biting you know exactly what it does to me. Ana, you are in trouble now. This behavior is cause for a spanking, Mrs. Grey," I say with a smirk.
"We don't have time for any kinky fuckery, Mr. Grey. Teddy will be waking up in less than an hour, and I know you won't have time to finish what you start in that amount of time. We will have to rely on your new favorite flavor, vanilla for now, " Ana replies.
"If that is the case, then we need to get out of the living room before I have my way with you right here on the couch, " I say, then pick her up haul her over my shoulder, and take her to our bedroom.
She squeals my name as I head down the hallway to our bedroom. I am so thankful to have this beautiful woman as my wife. Now I plan to show her just how thankful I am, and I will show her as many times as Teddy's nap allows.
The next morning I bend down to give Ana and Teddy a soft kiss before leaving for work. She opens her eyes, gives me a smile and says, "Have a great day at work, I love you."
"Mrs. Grey, my day will be dull while I am away from you and Teddy. I look forward to this evening with the two of you." I reply as I head out of the bedroom and to the kitchen for my breakfast. Gayle has my omelet waiting in the warming oven when I arrive. "Thank you, Mrs. Taylor," I say and sit down to eat. Just as I am finishing, Taylor walks in and asks, "What time would you like to leave for the office, sir?"
"I am ready now, " I say and get up to head to the door. Taylor has the SUV at the door waiting. As we drive to the office, my mind wonders back to my conversation with Ana from last night. I take my phone out of my pocket and type her name into the search engine. Ella Brown, the first page that comes up is for a musician, nope not that one. I decide that this is a terrible way to start my day, close out the internet and put my phone back into my pocket. I need to think more about this and the possible consequences of looking into her life. With Ana besides me each night, I rarely have nightmares anymore. I don't know if I want to take the chance of them returning by searching for Ella. It feels weird to even think her name. I have only referred to her as "the crack whore" for so many years. Maybe I will have Welch dig into this for me. I don't know if I am ready for this. As we arrive at Grey House, I decide I will give Flynn a call to hear his input on the situation.
When I exit the elevator, I ask Andrea to bring me a coffee with cream and we can go over my schedule for the day. Then I go to my office take off my suit coat, sit down at my desk and fire up my laptop. Andrew comes with my coffee and we go over my schedule. I have several meetings this afternoon, but my morning has some time free. As Andrea is leaving, is ask her to get Flynn on the phone for me. He is usually in the office already but doesn't have appointments with patients for an hour.
A couple of minutes after she leaves my office she rings Flynn through to me. I pick up and Flynn says, "Christian, it has been a long time. I was very surprised when Andrea called. How are you?"
I answer him, "Things are great. "
He interrupts me saying, "If things were great, you would not be calling me. What's up?"
"Things really are great! Ana and I are doing well, Teddy is more amazing than I could ever have dreamed. But I want to ask your opinion on something, " I confess. "Ana has been trying to convince me to try to find Ella's gravesite. I am just worried that this might bring my nightmares back or something worse."
Flynn begins by saying, "Your fears make complete sense, that is the time in your life that the nightmares stem from. But I noticed something while you were talking that really stands out to me. You called your birth mom Ella. You did not refer to her as "the crack whore." I have never heard you call her Ella. I think this fact alone shows how much you have grown and that you are beginning to accept her place in your past and in your life."
"I honestly didn't even notice that I had said her name," I say
"If you are asking if I think finding her gravesite is necessary to your mental well being, the answer is no. But do I think it would help you to find more peace about her place in your life, the answer is yes. My professional opinion is that losing Ana did more for you than finding Ella will do. However, when she died you did not even get to attend any type of funeral or have some way to say goodbye to your mother." he says.
Still not convinced, I ask, "Are you saying my nightmares will most likely stay away because of my relationship with Ana, even if I search for Ella?"
"Yes, opening yourself up to love with Ana was the most beneficial therapy you have experienced. It allowed you to focus on the future rather than try to repress the past and made you see a more realistic version of yourself. I don't think finding or trying to find Ella will cause a return of your night terrors, " Flynn says sounding confident.
"Thanks, John, I appreciate your time. I will take what you have said into consideration in making my decision in this matter, " I say. Then we say our goodbyes with promises to get together soon with our wives for dinner.
After I hang up I sit at my desk and think about what Ana was saying last night about babies preferring their mothers. I can definitely see that with Teddy. She can soothe him and calm him so much easier than I can. But Ana is a loving mother and takes wonderful care of Teddy. He definitely loves her, so maybe she is right and I did love Ella. She was a really shitty mother and was more worried about her next fix than she was about me. How could a child love someone who didn't care for or protect them from not just bad, but horrible things? Having a son has given me a completely different perspective on how neglectful Ella truly was. I cannot imagine what had happened in her past to cause her to need to escape more than she needed to care for me.
Andrea interrupts my thoughts with an incoming video conference call. My day is consumed with meetings and I don't have any more time to think about my birth mom.
As Taylor and I drive home, I realize how tired I am, but I feel I was able to accomplish all I needed to at the office even with the stressful beginning. I am glad that I contacted Flynn this morning, that went a long way in helping me to focus on work.
When I arrive at home it is all quiet, I hope this doesn't mean that Teddy and Ana are napping. I walk toward our bedroom and hear soft voices in the nursery. When I walk in, Ana has Teddy on the floor and he is making the sweetest sounds. Who knew that a baby could make sounds sweeter than that of a symphony?
Ana looks up and sees me, then she picks up Teddy turns him to face me telling him that Daddy is home. I head over to them and Ted gives me a smile that melts any leftover stress from my body immediately. I sit by Ana and take Teddy onto my lap.
"Mrs. Grey, how has your day been? Has Teddy been nice to you today? Were you able to get any work done?" I ask as I kiss her cheek. I have to touch her in some way my body is pulled to her without any effort on my part. Teddy pulls my attention away from her with those wonderful noises as she answers my question.
"We had a quiet morning of cuddles. Then when he took his afternoon nap, I went into my office in the library and worked for a couple of hours. It was very productive, I really like an author that I read today. You will like this story, I will bring it to bed tonight for you to read." Ana says, getting more excited as she talks about this story. She is so adorable when she is championing one of her new authors.
"You crush my dreams for the night, the minute I walk in the door. I haven't even had time to start seducing you and already you have crushed me!" I can't stop the laughter bubbling up as I tease her.
She rolls her eyes and says, "All you need to do to seduce me is walk in the room. You know this is true. Just because I want you to read a book doesn't mean I am turning you down. Maybe I should try that, I don't think I have ever been strong enough to turn you down."
We spend the next hour talking with Teddy in the nursery. He is very content when he is being talked to by one of us. This is an enjoyable way to spend an evening. I love that I have them to come home to every day. When I think of my life before, I realize how meaningless it was. I thought I was happy in my life before Ana stumbled into my life, but she brought everything our into bright colors. That feeling has been multiplied with the addition of Teddy.
When I think of how angry I was when Ana told me she was pregnant fills me with such shame. I am so in love with that little guy that sometimes I feel like someone else has taken over my body. These are feelings I thought for years I was unworthy of having in my life. Maybe Ana is right about the way I felt about Ella.
As Ana and I lay in bed later in the evening, she is snuggled in close and we are talking about how much Teddy has grown since he was born. I decide to tell Ana about my conversation with Flynn today. "When I arrived at the office this morning, I gave Flynn a call. Don't look so worried, I just wanted to get the opinion of the expensive Charleton on Ella."
She smiles at me and asks, "And what did he think of the idea?"
"He said it wasn't critical to my mental well being, but it might give me some closure since I was not able to have a funeral or a real grieving time. And tonight when we were in Ted's room with him, I started thinking about how much my life has changed with you and how I can accept that I am loved now. And even more than that, how I can love you and Ted. I realized that you are right, I loved my mom." I admit. "But the thing I am most concerned about with trying to find her is my night terrors returning. So I wanted to see what Flynn's opinion on this was, and he thinks you and your love are my nightmare catcher."
With more excitement than necessary Ana asks, "Mr. Grey, are you saying that you are going to find out where your mom is buried?"
I answer honestly, "I have not come to a final decision, but I am leaning in that direction after talking to Flynn. Plus, you seem so certain that I should do it. Two of the people that their opinions mean the most to me think it is a good thing, that speaks volumes to me."
She turns to face me and I see it in her eyes, the same desire that I feel for her. She kisses me and it goes from soft and gentle to full of passion in a heartbeat. She doesn't usually take charge like this, I think I will let her have the lead and see where she takes us. Before I know it she has skillfully undressed me, she has come a long way in our kinky fuckery since the first time she attempted to undress me. I have no doubt that we will both fall asleep completely satisfied tonight.
As I awoke this morning, Ana was beside me nursing Teddy. Her desire to feed him naturally is another example of what a wonderful mother she is. "Good morning Mrs. Grey, " I quietly say trying not to distract Teddy from his breakfast. She smiles broadly and wishes me a good morning also. Waking up to the two of them makes for an exceptional morning. "I will shower while you finish feeding him and then you and I can have breakfast together, " I say as I get out of bed.
After my shower, I dress for work. Then I return to our bedroom and steal my son from his mother's arms. He looks up at me and smiles, no business deal could ever top this feeling. Ana slips on a robe while I hold our son, and then we head downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. After we eat, I send Taylor a message letting him know that I will be ready to leave in fifteen minutes. I want a few more minutes to cuddle my son.
Taylor stops in front of Grey House for me to get out, and it is off to another day at the office. But my first meeting this morning will be with Welch. I have decided to put the wheels in motion to find Ella Brown's burial site.
To be continued...