Five long years. Did it really take me so long to realize? I watch him as he
sits across from me, at the far end of my couch, bent over a PADD he didn't
get around to read before dinner. He doesn't know I'm watching him, he's so
engulfed in the monthly department reports. I wonder what's on his mind... Warp
field equations can't be the only thing he's thinking of; he's been staring
at this PADD far too long now.
It's taken me five years to realize it, how long did it take him? He's definitely
not reading the department reports... I've seen him try to sneak a glance at
me twice already. He knows I'm watching, he just doesn't want to admit that
he knows. Why doesn't he look up? Maybe he'll look up from the PADD and meet
my gaze. Maybe I'll look away, not letting him catch me. Maybe he'll look right
into my eyes, then I'd have to tell him.
I won't avert my eyes; I will look at him and tell him that I love him. Something
I've been meaning to tell him for a long time now. But I can't, I'm afraid to
tell him. Because I don't know what he's thinking, how he feels about me. It's
taken me five years' to realize. Maybe I've just imagined things, pretended
to see more than there really is. Maybe the loneliness has finally taken its
toll. I've been alone for five years, waiting for someone to step into my life.
Maybe it's him I've been waiting for. But then, he's the only one on this ship
who ever really cared for me, his shoulder was the only I could cry on. Maybe
I want him to mean more to me than he really does. All of my life, I knew what
I wanted. Why is it different now?
No, my feelings for him are real. It might have taken me five years, but those
special feelings are here, there's more to it than just wishful thinking. I
knew there was something happening to me - something that's never happened before
- when I started watching him on the bridge. Only sneaking quick glances at
him at first, as if to ensure that he was still there, sitting beside me. Then
my gaze began to linger on him for several seconds at a time, watching the corners
of his mouth pull up into that wonderful smile of his, watching his brow wrinkle
when concentrating on the PADD he was reading.
I knew there was something happening to me when I could barely keep myself
from entering his office when I walked past it, just to be close to him. I knew
something had changed when I involuntarily slowed down when passing by, hoping
that maybe, just maybe, he would step outside.
Everybody else seemed to have noticed before I did. People seemed to pay more
attention to the two of us, as if watching for something that I knew wasn't
there. Nobody ever said anything of course, but I could tell what they were
thinking simply from the way they were watching us. Well, nobody except Tom
Paris, of course. If he ever makes another comment like that, I'll have him
take a little walk on Voyager's hull, without a space suit - even if that means
I'll have to find a new pilot.
It is getting increasingly difficult to keep myself from showing my true feelings
to Chakotay, but I want to know exactly how he feels about me before I tell
him. If he doesn't feel for me the same I way I feel for him, our friendship
would never be the same. He would begin to question my motives for being friends
with him. In fact, being together would never be the same again. I would begin
to feel terribly self-conscious around him, afraid to be honest again, fearing
that I would send the wrong signals. He'd probably feel the same, being afraid
to hurt me by saying something wrong, never daring to be himself around me again.
Ever since I started feeling this way, I've been telling me it was only for
the good of our crew that I never revealed my true feelings for him. But that's
not the only reason, I have to admit that now. Of course, it would interfere
with our duties if we could never be completely honest to each other again,
but rational thinking wasn't what kept me from telling him. The truth is, I'm
afraid to loose his friendship, the feeling of mutual trust and complete understanding
it's taken us five years to build.
Until now, I've always been a person to accept every challenge and master most
of them. I've always looked ahead at what could be gained, never looked back
to see what might be lost. I don't know why this is different. Maybe because
I care for him more than I ever cared for somebody before. Maybe it's him I've
been waiting for, but how can I know I'm the one he's been waiting for?
Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll spend all of my life waiting for something
that will never happen. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship, and I'm almost
sure it's worth the sacrifice of waiting an entire lifetime. Almost...
I don't know how long I've been lost in thought, but when I look up, I find
Chakotay staring at me. I don't know how long he's been watching me, but at
this moment I don't care. An entire lifetime of maybes...
I finally muster up the courage to look into his eyes, and what I see renders
me completely speechless. I find myself swimming in a dark sea of passion, enveloped
in deep understanding. Words aren't necessary to tell him how I feel and I suddenly
know that looking ahead is the only right thing to do. What is there to gain
outweighs the risk of loosing a thousand times.
As if in a trance, I watch as he slowly lifts his hand and gently touches my
cheek. I don't dare to move even the slightest bit, afraid to break the mystery
of this moment. For a second I fear that all of this is only a dream, that I'll
wake up any minute now, that the wonderful feelings washing over me will dissolve
into nothing. For a moment I'm afraid that he'll pull away, that he'll leave
me, saying that we have gone further than we should have.
He lets his hand linger on my cheek for a short while before softly tracing
my jaw line with his fingers. I hold my breath and don't even realize it until
he gently lifts up my chin and I gaze into his eyes again. As if drawn toward
the love I find in those eyes, I lean forward. My heart skips a few beats when
our lips finally touch, only for a split second at first, the contact as gentle
as a light summer breeze.
I close my eyes when his lips touch mine for the second time and plunge into
the sea of passion growing inside me. My lips part slightly as our kiss deepens
and my heart opens and reaches out for him with a love stronger than I ever
thought possible...
Something's telling me it might be you.
FINE
Author: Elisabeth Cook (allegretto@gmx.net)
Rating: [PG-13]
Codes: J/C
All of my life, lying on the sand watching seabirds fly.
Wishing there would be someone waiting home for me.
So many dreams to wake,
And with so much love to make.
It's telling me it must be you,
And I'm feeling it'll just be you, I've been waiting for all of my life...
It Might Be You
By: Elisabeth Cook
Short mood piece from Janeway's POV. Watching Chakotay read makes her wonder about her true feelings for him.
Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Sci-Fi - Words: 1,583 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 9/24/2001 - id: 413777
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