Betrayal
House/Wilson, discussions of Amber
Post season 4, spoilers for Wilson's Heart
PG 13 for alcohol references, possible language
Summary: Despite Wilson's obvious fury, devastation and loss over Amber's death and towards House's immaturity, Wilson cannot stifle those terrifying feelings he's held for House for all of these years. As a result, the struggles he faces consist not only of loss and mourning, but attempting to come to terms with the devastating fact that he still is in love with this immature being.
Wilson's head spun with the overwhelming emotions that fluttered within his mind. The small, crumpled piece of paper he'd been clutching periodically to his heart now lay in his limp hand as he remained still on the bed, the moon shining brightly outside his window, providing the only source of light in his room. As Wilson continued to gaze up at the ceiling fan, he felt as though that fan above him mirrored his own feelings, and however dizzy and nauseous the rotating machine caused him to feel, he could not bring himself to rise from his spot on the bed.
He wanted to open that small reminder from Amber which lay in his palm, but the wrenching pain in his heart prevented him from moving a muscle. His body felt limp and lifeless, as if it had an overdramatic will never to move again. Wilson sighed, slowly becoming consciously aware of how dry his eyes were, and how stiff his body was. He had not moved from that wretched spot since he had come home from the hospital. As soon as he had seen that small, loving letter from Amber, Wilson had known that his entire day had come full circle. That little note was a reminder of everything that had happened over the past few days, and what could have happened if somehow, fate had played itself out in some less evil form.
If only he had not had been on call, Amber would not have died. If only Amber had said no, she wouldn't drive House home, Amber would be in bed next to him, sleeping peacefully. If only House had not been drunk...
Alas, House again came to the center of Wilson's sorrows and as the room continued to spin as it had over the last several hours, Wilson felt furious frustration flame up in his chest, and he almost developed the urge to throw his single reminder of Amber across the room. Once again, House's immature, irresponsibility was responsible for Wilson's suffering. Despite the emphasis the duo had placed on personal growth and change ever since Wilson and Amber had begun dating, Amber's death made it perfectly clear to Wilson that House had never changed. It was infuriating, as if he had been betrayed by his own feelings, and once again, by House. He had finally trusted House, as if he had been able to identify that desired human growth within his best friend during those joyous months.
But now, it was clear that House had been drowning himself even more emphatically in his own flaws, seeking alcohol and such to comfort the apparent loss of his best friend. House's jealousy mixed with childish greed had probably forced House to do anything for his best friend's attention – including getting drunk. The idea was utterly pitiful, and Wilson clicked his tongue in disgust at the thought. He wished that House could not have sunk thus far into the horrible depths of such selfishness and neediness but, with a sigh, Wilson knew lamenting and wishing, "what if..." was utterly pointless.
Perhaps what was the worst about all of this, besides the obvious pain of losing the most beloved woman he'd ever met, was that those subconscious feelings he'd attempted to stifle for House had not been stifled. On the contrary, these feelings shamefully floated to the front of Wilson's mind, pushing his mind into a deeper torment. This was the worst betrayal of all; his own desires.
It was sheer absurdity that after all of this, Wilson could still find something attractive within his best friend. It was shameful that he still considered this traitor his best friend. The blame for this entire emotional train wreck obviously belonged to House, and Wilson was rightfully furious at him for everything. Yet, despite all of this outward anger, a twisted feeling of pity and, frightfully, compassion seemed to exist like a whisper on the wind in Wilson's mind. His mind was shockingly attempting to argue that although House was, indeed, responsible for absolutely everything, that "everything" included Amber's diagnosis, his attempts to save her, and most importantly, those beautiful - although temporary - moments of self-sacrifice in which House had surrendered his priority of diagnostics for the sake of his best friend. Images of Amber unconscious in the ambulance hour prior filled Wilson's head. House had unwillingly allowed Wilson to freeze Amber in an attempt to slow her heart rate, and most obviously, freeze time. But even before Amber's life hung in the balance, House had forced himself to let go of Wilson because he had, in that moment, possessed values and morality.
It was this raw, underlying beauty within House that caused Wilson to feel continuous admiration and even adoration towards him. The fact that House could change if he wanted to was a continuous source of hope and comfort for Wilson, especially now that Amber was gone. He could no longer find solace in Amber's presence, and a horrible wave of emptiness washed over Wilson. He sadly longed for her presence, or anybody's presence for that matter. Even House's touch would've been twistingly welcoming.
In a cruel paradox, the foolish love that Wilson still undeniably possessed for House made him realize that he was betraying Amber's memory. He had loved her too, and always would. That was for certain. She had brought such joy to his life, and introduced him to such a different way of viewing life. Amber had been a beautiful breath of fresh air, and no matter how much House insisted on her being Cut Throat Bitch, Wilson refused to see her as such. To him, Amber was change – a beautiful concept which Wilson knew House could never see, let alone acknowledge with a positive mindset. All of this was established within Wilson's whirling mind, but for now, he could not bring himself to entirely face it all. It was clearly a multi-layered process of grief and acceptance, and then finally and hopefully, he'd be able to rebuild everything once again, without betraying anybody.
Perhaps now, in this time of grief, a new opportunity would present itself in which House could prove himself to Wilson. All those missed chances for change and now, with Amber's final footprints left behind, she had still given House the chance to change. Wilson continued to foolishly hope, as he finally released Amber's note from his sweating palm, that House would grow up. Amber had that strange power over other individuals, either through her aggressive behavior, or through her beautiful devotion to those whom she loved. Through either perspective, Wilson could only view her as a continuous inspiration, which caused his heart to give one final attempt to cling onto her.
Wilson bit his lip in an attempt to hold back overwhelming emotion as the sun began to rise outside his window, forcing the moon into hiding. The day had come at last, and before Wilson could begin to mourn Amber, or even face House, he knew at this point he would have to face the coming day.
One step at a time, he told himself as he closed his eyes and turned on his side, just face this one step at a time...
With that, as the morning sun continued to gradually pour into the room, Wilson's breathing slowed and his grip relaxed as he finally fell asleep.