Huzzah! I finally wrote a Naruto fanfic. O________o

Anywho...yes anywho not anyhow...this story takes a peak into the private life of the Akatsuki and their eating habits. Moreover, the main character Monica, finds herself trapped. She wants more out of life and she's pretty damn sure she won't find it flipping pancakes for Sasori.

Prologue
A Day in the Life Me

"Aiyah, Kisame!" I stamped my foot on the ground as I studied a mile long crack that ran up the outside wall of our house. My eyes flicked towards the previous crevices and nicks that I had filled in not too long ago. "Why couldn't they fight somewhere else?" I thought to myself, anger boiling inside me. Marching back inside the house, I found Deidara comfortably resting on the couch reading one of his novels. My suspicion left me when I saw he hadn't even adorned his robe yet, but that left eight other misfits who could have been brawling with Kisame.
"Deidara, have you seen Shark Boy?" I inquired, pushing my bangs back and wiping the sweat from the back of my neck. It was extremely hot today, but I still had to carry out my chores.
"Haven't seen him since this morning hmm." replied Deidara, his eyes still glued to his book. I glanced at the title and found that he had read that book over five times at least. It was proof that we needed to go to town! It had been months since our last "vacation," and I desperately wanted to meet new people, but there was never time. Or at least that's what Orochimaru said.
I sighed and shook my head, "Alright...Where's Itachi? He was supposed to help me with the dishes." The chore I resented most around this place was washing dishes. They could wipe out an entire truckload of food in one day and it was a pain to do the dishes every single day. The only reason I had to do them every day was because we had only one set of china, yet another reason to go to town.
"I have no idea hmm." Deidara flipped a page and his eyes widened as if he was surprised that the hero had died. "Why don't you go ask Master Sasori hmm?" He wasn't much help at all; in fact I've always thought him fairly lazy when it came to the affairs of others.
"Thanks...you're a lot of help." I threw up my arms and walked outside once more to find Master Sasori. Out of all the Akatsuki, I despised Master Sasori most. I think it's because he is the oldest, crankiest, most impatient man I've ever had to put up with. But the only thing that kept me from hating him was the fact that he was the neatest of the ten. He always kept his room neat, but I think it's because he doesn't want me snooping around in there if I were to clean. I found the old lump meditating like he always does when one of these stand still days occur.
"Master Sasori, might you know where Kisame has gone?" I asked as I bowed reverently. This was another thing I did not particularly care for. He always said that he had cared for the old customs of respect and required me to bow before my elders. His reason for this was that my generation, also known as the foolish generation was going downhill as well as the training and that we needed to bring back the old ways. Because Orochimaru said I had to bow, I bowed, for I followed whatever he said. It's the least I could do.
"I saw him and Itachi take the middle road this morning." Master Sasori spoke like a machine, all rickety and creaky. In the eleven years that I've been here, I have never been able to see behind his mask, but a part of me said that I didn't want to anyway.
"Thank you, Master Sasori." I ran off but the clearing of his throat made me skid in my tracks. I held in my irritation as I walked calmly back over to him and bowed. I was waiting for him to acknowledge me, as I watched him scan me with his beady black pupils.
"You are just like Orochimaru, rash and hasty! Off with you!" Master Sasori sounded angry so I restrained myself from any remark that I usually would make in times like these. Finally he nodded his head and I sped off, not daring to look once in fear of dropping dead if I met his gaze. I wondered why Kisame and Itachi were leaving, but then it occurred to me that at dinner last night I had heard something about a mission. "It's not like them to leave without saying goodbye." I thought. As I raced into the forest, I contemplated on where the rest of my family had been. Zetsu and Orochimaru have been gone for more than a week now and I was beginning to worry about them. But, they were in Hidden Sand Village, or at least that's what they told me, so they couldn't get into too much trouble there.
I came to the crossroads and studied the crooked signs that pointed in every possible direction. Examining the three paths, my eyes fell upon the road that led to the Hidden Leaf Village. They had to be there! For the other two signs pointed to the Sand and Mist Villages and I knew some of my family had left there not too long ago. So, it had to be the Hidden Leaf Village. But what would they want there? The last time I had been there was about four years ago and as far as I was concerned there was nothing interesting about that place at all. It was extremely run down and at night it looked like a place where someone would get jumped. The food, however, was exceptionally good and that is probably the only reason why I would ever return there.
Suddenly, movement in the bushes alerted me and I instantly drew my kunai, shifting my feet in a defensive stance. My eyes focused on the shrub and I let out a sigh as I dropped my kunai back into my pouch. "Zetsu. Come out." I knew his plants too well, for he had used them to scare me when I was little.
He materialized from the shadow and shook his head, "I thought I would get you this time." The Venus fly trap around his head hissed as its vines disappeared amongst his robes. He wasn't looking too beat up, but I could never tell with this personality. There was something special about Zetsu's multiple personalities that I liked ever so much, because at times it felt like I was speaking to a different person. Although, he was rather strange and was shunned by the rest of the group, he was a really neat person, despite his unstable personalities and love of botany.
"Nope, you'll have to try harder." I smirked. I don't think I could've stood being frightened half out of my wits if I would have fallen for his trap. But, since Itachi was nowhere to be found, I could always make him do the dishes instead. But knowing him, he would probably give everyone hay fever, due to the fact that he manages to get pollen in everything! Including my drawers somehow.
"She's getting too good for your old tricks, Zetsu," spoke a wonderfully familiar voice. Another figure emerged from the shadows and I could barely contain my joy.
"Orochimaru!" A huge smile crossed my face as I ran towards him, his arms outstretched. I fell into a warm hug as I buried my face in his silky black hair. "Oh, I missed you so much!" I said when we finally pulled apart. I was extremely happy to see him looking uninjured and safe. I was glad now that I had someone around the house that I could actually converse with. I do talk to the others, but not as well as I can discuss certain things with Orochi and Zetsu.
"I've missed you too. How are things going?" His voice was low and snake-like as usual, but towards me it always held loving care.
"Well let's see...Deidara's been a couch potato all week and Master Sasori has done nothing but make my life worse with his year long lectures. Whiny Tobi broke out with hives when Itachi poured some milk in his clam chowder. Poor Tobi. For some reason everyone likes to take advantage of his lactose intolerance. Kisame made another crack in the wall which I still have to patch up. Konan's been out all week, thankfully. Pein's leaving his laundry everywhere. Itachi is being as stalkerish as ever and he isn't following the schedule I put up. Kakuzu and Hidan have been out all week thankfully. And as always, I am stuck doing chores. Oh, Orochi, when can we go on a vacation again? I've been bored for so long and we haven't had a break in months." I asked, and almost begged, but I didn't want to sound like I was complaining because I didn't want to ruin his return.
"As a matter of fact, we are going to be going on a vacation." Orochimaru replied. "Well, let's get going, you know how Sasori gets when he doesn't have his dinner at the exact time every day." The three of us chuckled as we reminisced the last time old Master Sasori almost exploded due to the fact that his dinner was five minutes late and that it had been "spoiled" and was not worth eating anymore. Ah Master Sasori, can't live with him, can't live without him.
"Good point." I smiled once more and with the sun at our backs the three of us headed home.
We had reached the house just in time for me to whip up some supper before Sasori could go postal on me again and give me another tirade on respect for the elderly. Deidara remained where I had left him and that meant that he could not have possibly messed anything up like the last time. I gave a sigh of relief as I began to hack up some pork and simultaneously stir noodles that were swimming in a pot of boiling broth. Zetsu and Orochi went to go change for dinner and Sasori was probably still outside for he usually didn't arrive until five minutes before dinner started. After stewing up the pork and vegetables I dumped them into the pot where they began to drown in the broth and noodles. "Dinner's ready!" I hollered and Deidara instantly jumped from the couch and onto the floor around the low dining table. Dinner was always a big deal in this family, but since most of us were missing, hopefully a more peaceable supper would commence.

Zetsu and Orochi entered from the hall, laughing about something apparently, because the two could barely control their laughter as they joined Deidara at the table. Master Sasori sluggishly entered the room and gave me an evil glare as he sat down at the dinner table. He hated it when I started dinner early, because it threw off his time schedule. What is with old people? They have to eat breakfast at six then lunch at eleven and finally dinner at exactly six-thirty; I truly hope I will never turn out like him.
I threw some bowls onto the table as well as the necessary utensils before I set the pot of stew down. I made the mistake of laying out the food first and the fight for whose first got really ugly. It resulted in a good day's cleaning as well as the bandaging of certain peoples and the punishing of a few of them. However, since we were aren't all here today, I decided to set the steaming stew down and watched to my satisfaction that everyone had scooped their portions in a civilized manner. After the serving was finished I stored the stew away, because there would always be a fight for seconds, and knowing that Master Sasori was already in a grumpy mood, the battle could get ugly. With a loaf of bread in my hand, I joined my family and divided the pieces equally amongst them, the biggest slice for myself of course. But a quick disapproving hmph from Master Sasori fixed that. I sighed and relinquished my slice of bread to the elder who plucked it snidely out of my hand.
"So, what about our vacation Orochi?" I asked eagerly, while taking a bite out of my smaller piece of bread.
"Well, in our journey to the Sand Village, we have come upon a nice little place for you to live in. Isn't that right Zetsu?" Orochimaru took another sip of his stew and gave a quick glance to the black and white man sitting across from him.
"Yes we did. We'd figure it would be perfect for you." Zetsu said while feeding a hunk of pork to his ravenous Venus fly trap. Deidara was still enraptured in his book, but a sharp jab in the side by Orochi brought him back to reality.
"Oh yeah...the apartment right hmm?" Deidara was lost as usual and I always figured that he had the mind of a child for he sometimes acted like one. "By the way, how was your mission, Orochimaru hmm?"
"Fruitful..." My guardian replied. "Monica...I need to explain something to you." Orochi set his jade chopsticks down and stared at me intently with his slit pupils. "All of us are going on a special mission and we don't want you staying here alone, so we've decided to move you into the Sand Village."
"But, I've been by myself before. I don't want a vacation if I can't be with you." I didn't want to sound ungrateful, but it was true. I hadn't seen Orochi for a long time and now he was about to disappear on me again? No, I wouldn't let him.
"I know...I'd love to spend more time with you if I could, but this is a special mission." Orochi explained, his voice soft and caring. "Besides, we will visit you often and you can do a job for us while you are that. And all the while, you will have the vacation that you deserve. You will be able to relax and have everything you want."
"Really? A job? Like what?" I was thrilled. The only "jobs" I got around here were chores and more chores so something new might be nice for a change.
"We need you to keep an eye on the Sand Village for us." Orochimaru said plainly. "We have been observing them, but nothing interesting has come up yet."
"Oh...well...okay...I can watch the Sand Village. But what kind of mission is it Orochi?"
"I will tell you later on, when you come to play a big role in it. As of now, all you can do is watch the Sand Village, particularly the Kazekage. Deidara should be checking up on you weekly so you can give him your reports." Orochimaru acted almost secretively, but irritating him wouldn't do me any good, so I decided not to pursue the subject.
"Um...alright...I will keep an eye on the Kazekage." Well, I don't know how I'm going to do that. You can't just waltz up to him and say hi you know. He's probably got some body guards or secret service or something to keep all the people from bombarding him with their common lives. "But what am I supposed to do in the Sand Village? I don't know anyone and I don't have any money or anything." I frowned because all that I had just said was true.
"Well, the money part can be easily arranged, as for the friends part, you are a very amiable person so I think you will be able to meet some new people in no time." Zetsu's white half smiled cheerfully. Leave it to his good side to make me feel better.
"Well, okay." I said, unsure of the whole situation. Personally, I liked vacations, but the womanly instinct within me said that no one would be able to tidy up the house while they were gone, so I felt compelled to stay.
"That's a good girl. Don't I always know what's best for you?" Orochi grinned a cat-like grin and gave me a pat on the head. "Also, while you are on your break, I don't want you coming back here. Understood?"
"Yes Orochi." I sat up and gathered up all of the empty bowls and dirty chop sticks and dumped them into the sink. I didn't want to wash them now, because I had so much to discuss with Orochimaru. There was so much that I didn't understand.
"Orochi, Itachi won't be visiting me will he?" I swallowed hard. Next in line beside Master Sasori on my Evil Meter was Itachi Uchiha. Unlike Master Sasori, he didn't have a good reason for being the way he was. When he was home, he would stalk me throughout the day even when I was mostly about the house and he would stare at me with his Sharingan. Freaky. He would ask me certain questions and talk to me like he was all that by describing his previous missions and what not. Thankfully, I always had Zetsu to rescue me or else I would have died quite some time ago from his incessant bragging.
"Of course he will." Orochimaru's eyes squinted as another wide smile crossed his face. "Why? You don't like him do you."
I shook my head slowly, as to not offend anyone at the table who might think differently of my opinion. "He is kind of creepy, Orochi. He always stares at me. He watches me every day too." I explained. Now that I had thought of it, I had never brought up Itachi to anyone in fear of getting killed by him.
"I see. I can talk to him about that I suppose. Anything else?" Orochi folded his hands and set his elbows on the table. It seemed like he was trying to make my upcoming vacation as least stressful as possible, so I didn't hesitate to answer.
"Well, Kisame is still leaving holes in the wall and I got another one to patch up still. Itachi hasn't been following the chore schedule that I had made either. Besides needing to get a new look, Tobi needs to build some back bone. He gets offended so easily." Apparently we had been left alone at the table, for it was Master Sasori's bed time and he didn't want to sleep a minute too late in fear of ruining his dreams. As for Zetsu, it was time for the hourly watering of his ferns and Deidara had repositioned himself on the couch to read his novel.
"Wow, it seems like you really do have your hands full around here." Orochi and I chuckled and then became silent when we heard Deidara begin to snore. Unlike everyone else, Zetsu slept in an enormous Venus fly trap outside because once before, he had accidentally spread an infections pollen which gave poor Orochi rashes for weeks. As for Master Sasori, we could here him shuffle around the house during the night and that would normally keep us awake for he had a knack for sleep talking.
"Yeah, tell me about it." I replied sarcastically. "So, what's the Sand Village like?" I yawned lazily. It was only seven but I felt so sleepy for some reason.
"Well, it's better than the Leaf Village that's for sure. It's pretty quiet around there but the people are pretty friendly. The architecture is the best part, at least that's what I think." Orochimaru was reminiscing and when he did this he usually waved his hands around to reenact the moment.
"Sounds pretty cool. Did you meet anyone interesting?" By that I meant if he had met a girl, for I always thought my guardian to be someone of a kind nature. Sometimes I did wonder why he was still single, but truthfully I didn't know how old he was because I never had been able to muster up the courage to ask him.
"No, I am not really a people person." Orochi replied glancing over to Deidara whose snores became extremely loud and echoed throughout the house. "I swear, we should stuff him with his own clay."
I gave him a quick smile, "Yeah, seriously. So how will I know the Kazekage if I see him?" I had no idea what the heck I was looking for. Probably some old coot with a foot long beard and a funny Confucius-like face.
"He will be wearing a white robe and a hat bearing the symbol of the Sand Village on it." Orochi said. "It's getting pretty late, and I am very tired. So, if you excuse me, my dear, I think I will retire." And with that, he rose and disappeared into the shadows of the hall. Odd, he didn't even give me a hug or anything, I thought. Strange...
I stood up and walked towards Deidara and observed the drool that was dripping onto his nice robe. I removed his sandals and folded a napkin neatly on his chest as to not have the drool soak any further into the beautiful coat that I had just pressed yesterday. I plodded into the hall and heard Master Sasori shifting about as usual in his room, muttering to himself on how he can possibly cleanse this disrespectful generation. I entered my room and plopped on my bed. It was kind of nice being a girl, I had my own room and my own things, but I definitely did not have my own life. I had to take care of my family, and that for me seemed enough for a life's purpose, but the adventure that awaited me in the Sand Village was sure to be an awesome experience.