Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but you already knew that.
(Un)requited Love
Lily sat on the soft red armchair, curled up comfortably with her feet under her, a pillow in her lap. This was her favourite spot in the Heads common room, her favourite position for reading a good book. She could sit there for hours engrossed in tales of mystery, love, whatever her newest book had to offer. Tonight, though, her book lay abandoned on the small table beside her, untouched. Tonight, she simply stared into the fire, watching as the orange flames licked the wood. Tonight, even the fire couldn't comfort her, couldn't free her of the feeling that she was truly alone.
She felt the tear on her cheek, but she didn't bother to wipe it away. It didn't matter anyway. After the way she had treated him, she deserved to be sad and alone. She had been indifferent to him for the first two years of school, had even laughed at some of his pranks, but in third year, when she had become his target and his romantic interest, indifference had turned to hate. It was absurd that he might think she would want him. He was an arrogant, bullying fool, and she was angry that he seemed to think himself God's gift to wizardkind. So she said no every time and made it clear that the only feeling she harboured for him was contempt. That wasn't the problem. She didn't regret saying no to him repeatedly. He was every bit the fool she thought he was.
The problem was that she was as much a fool as he, if not more. She had continued to reject him in the cruelest ways she could think of long after he had deflated his head, so to speak. Something had changed last year. He had transformed under her nose into someone that she could respect, but she had not been ready for it, and it had infuriated her. So she had responded in the only way she knew how, by treating him worse than ever before. When he asked her out, it wasn't just a matter of saying no. It was a matter of coming up with the most vicious insults she could. It was about ignoring the sadness in his eyes when he walked away from her.
She had always thought that if he were a better person, she could like him. In the end, his transformation hadn't been enough. She had needed to transform too. She had needed to let go of her pride, to see past the blinders she had on regarding him. And she had transformed, during the summer after sixth year, but it was too late. She had been elated to find on September 1st that he would be her counterpart in leading the students this year. She was ready to give him a chance, to surrender to him and let herself fall. And she had fallen, but he hadn't been there to catch her.
He had come to school this year ready to be her friend and nothing more. But the nicer he was to her, the more their friendship grew, and the deeper she fell in love with him, and the sadder she became knowing that she had ruined any chance she might have had with him. Today, any remaining hope she had that he might still love her had been crushed. Last year, on her birthday, he had given her an intricate gold locket that had belonged to his mother. She had proceeded to throw it at his head and scream that she didn't want anything from him. Today, exactly one year later, he had given her a box of every flavour beans, and she highly suspected that it was only as an afterthought.
She closed her eyes, trying to wipe away her thoughts, trying to forget her sadness. She shivered despite the heat of the flames, and she hugged the pillow close to her chest. She was startled seconds later when she felt the weight of a sweater being wrapped around her shoulders. She instinctively dropped the pillow onto her lap and stuck her arms into the armholes. She breathed in deeply, and she knew instantly that it was James' sweater. The scent was a familiar one, one she had smelled only days earlier in Potions class wafting from her cauldron full of Amortentia potion. She reached up to wipe the tears from her face as James sat down on the end of the couch nearest to her. She felt his penetrating eyes as they studied her, but she couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze.
"What's wrong, Lily?" he asked after several minutes, breaking the silence. She sighed, not really knowing how to answer.
"Have you ever loved someone, James, someone who didn't love you back?"
He was saddened by the question, as it hinted that such a predicament was the cause of her sorrow and confirmed that she was lost to him. Yet he was also surprised that she would ask him such a thing. How could she not know? He knew that he had to answer carefully, so he simply said, "Yeah, I have."
"Have you ever loved someone while knowing that it was your fault that they didn't love you back?"
"Yes."
They were both silent for several minutes, both staring into the fire, until he spoke again. "Are you in love, Lily?" She didn't respond, but merely broke eye contact with him to look down at the pillow in her lap and began to finger the tassels. James sighed, knowing how to read her body language. She loved someone else. "He's an idiot if he doesn't love you back."
She smiled slightly at the irony of the situation, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I wish that were true," she said softly. "I used to think he was an idiot, but he's not. He's the best person I know, and he's smart not to love me back. It's my fault."
"That's not even possible, Lily. He's thick if he doesn't see how lucky he is to even know you. He may be the best person you know, but you are the best person I know."
Lily felt the tears start to fall again, and she tried to wipe them away with the back of her hand, but more just took their place. "How can you say that when I've been such a horrible person to you?"
"Because I deserved everything you said to me. I've been a prat to you, Lily, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't," she whispered.
"What?"
"Don't apologize to me. I don't deserve it. I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. I'm sorry for calling you an arrogant, bullying toerag. I'm sorry for telling you that you were no better than Voldemort. And I'm sorry for being too proud to receive a beautiful gift from you without throwing it at your head."
James laughed lightly. "It's not a big deal."
"But it is, James. I always thought I was so much better than you, but the truth was that you were so much better than me. You may have played pranks and had an infuriatingly high opinion of yourself and a certain contempt for the rules, but you never pretended to be anything else. I was so high and mighty, so proud, so judgmental. I think that I was the arrogant one all along, not you."
James reached over and grabbed her hand. "Lily, you're not arrogant. You never were. Not even close. You just like structure, and you have a bit of a temper. It's who you are. You wouldn't be you otherwise, and I wouldn't lo—respect you the way I do."
"Thank you, James. You're a wonderful friend, and I'm sorry it took me so long to see that."
He cringed at the word friend but smiled anyway. "Don't give up, Lily. Whoever he is will come to his senses. I challenge anyone who knows you really well not to love you. You're the brightest witch I know, and you're honest, you say what you feel, you don't take crap from anybody, you have a good heart, and you're beautiful. You're special, one of a kind, and if he can't see that then he doesn't deserve you."
He brought her hand to his lips briefly, squeezed it, and let go, and then he was gone without a word, off to his dormitory for the night.
Lily felt better knowing that James didn't hate her, but at the same time she felt lonelier than ever. If he truly respected her and had forgiven her like he said and still didn't love her, he never would.
She remained by the fire until the last flames had faded into embers and her tears had dried, then she sighed and rose to go to bed. She realized that she was still wearing James' sweater and she smiled, thinking that maybe she would wear it to bed tonight. As she opened the door to her dormitory, the first thing she spotted was a package on her bed. She closed the door and approached the bed, sitting down on it and taking the package in her hands. It looked like a jewelry box, and it was unwrapped save for the bow that had been carefully tied around it.
Thinking that perhaps her parents had sent her a gift despite saying that they wanted to wait until they saw her, she removed the bow and lifted the lid of the box. What she saw shocked her. Nestled in a bed of soft red fabric was a locket, the very same one she had thrown at James' head last year. She lifted it out of the box and noticed that there was a neatly folded note underneath. She gently placed the locket on her pillow and removed the paper from the box.
Lily,
I think I can trust you not to throw this at my head now. Happy Birthday.
James
Lily laughed. She couldn't really figure out how she felt, but the loneliness of the evening was starting to dissipate. She picked up the locket and fingered it for a moment before closing her fist around it. Then, not really knowing what she was doing, she got up and left the room. She made her way to James' dormitory and knocked on the door, unsure really of why she was there. When he opened the door, he was wearing only pajama pants, but it didn't really register. She was no longer thinking clearly.
"Lily, what's—" he began, but the words were lost as she reached her hands around the back of his neck and pulled his head down so that their lips met. She softly grazed his lips with hers for a few seconds, then pulled back abruptly and met his eyes. She could see the confusion and surprise written there. She took a deep breath before speaking.
"I love you."
It was a simple statement, but it was enough. He lifted one of his hands and brushed a few stray hairs behind her ear. He then rested his hand on her cheek and let his thumb caress her face where he could see the remnants of dried tears. He brought his other hand up and held her face gently as he lowered his head and faintly touched his lips to hers briefly. She could feel his warm breath, but he remained separated from her by a fraction of space. She whimpered, wanting him to kiss her again, and he obliged. Their lips met in a fiery dance this time, and she pulled herself closer to him as he continued to shower her with feverish kisses. Eventually they slowed down, and their kisses became more languid, more loving. When they pulled apart, she was in a dreamlike state. He rested his forehead on hers, and she kept her eyes closed. They remained silent, lost in their embrace. Finally she opened her eyes and stepped back a bit. She studied him carefully, trying to figure out what all this meant.
"I love you more."
She laughed loudly for the first time in ages and hit him half-heartedly on the arm while sticking out her tongue at him. Then she shook her head at him vehemently.
"Not possible," she said.
He made a big show of acting exasperated. "Well fine then, but I've loved you longer."
She rolled her eyes at him and smiled, and they just stood there staring at each other. Suddenly she remembered the locket still in her hand, and she took his hand and placed the locket in it. He looked from the necklace to her, confused as to why she was returning it, but when she turned around and lifted her hair, he understood. He brought the chain around her neck and clasped it at the back. Then he dipped his head and kissed her cheek. She leaned back into him and he wrapped his arms around her stomach.
"You know," he said, tickling her cheek with his breath, "You can't keep my sweater forever."
She smiled. "That's okay. Once it stops smelling like you, I'll give it back and borrow another."
Still entwined in their embrace, they somehow made their way back over to the fireplace where the last embers glowed faintly. They lay down together on the couch, her back to him and his arms around her. She closed her eyes, ready to succumb to sleep, but in her last lucid moments, she heard him whisper faintly, "Good night, Lily. I love you."