**Disclaimer: All characters belong 100% to Janet Evanovich and I make no profit off of her characters. Any reference to characters named 'Janet' would, of course, be fictional characters and would never represent any living person.
For Margaret, who harassed me, in a good way, until I wrote it. Happy New Year to you, Babe, and one last time for ol' Billy. Hope you have a little Ranger for yourself in 2012.
New Year's Off
9:15 pm
I sighed as I packed up the last of the Christmas ornaments. It seemed totally sacrilegious to put them away before New Year's. I mean, come on! Christmas decorations are supposed to stay out until after, everyone knows that. Except Ranger, apparently, who decreed that we needed to 'get a jump on things'. As despicable as the task was, I was up for it because Ranger had offered me a bribe. A wonderful little bribe. A bribe that hadn't been seen in a very long time. My dear friend Billy was coming out to play.
I put the lid on the box and stood up from the bed where I had been wrapping the ornaments in tissue paper. I held a moment of silence to honor the end of Christmas and then walked out to the living room to claim my goods.
Ranger, Tank, Lester, Bobby and Billy were sitting on the couches waiting for me. Well, Billy was on the coffee table but he was watered, loaded and ready for some attention. I almost cried at the sight. Screw Christmas. New Year's is in da house.
It had been a little over a year since we had all gotten together for a night off. Since last Thanksgiving, in fact. Just when I thought Ranger was done imbibing he suggested one more round. Who was I to argue?
"Where's Hal?" I asked.
"He'll be along," Tank said. "He was just finishing up downstairs."
"Should we wait?"
Lester grabbed up the lighter. "Hong eeeeeeeeeee long long to the NO! Billy bitch waits for no man."
We all nodded. "Word." "True." "Shizzle."
Thirty minutes later life was good and we were all a little fatter. Christmas cookies met their death after round three. We were just lighting up for the fourth round when the door opened and in came Hal. He came in said 'hey' and then looked back dragging a second person into the room.
Ranger actually did a double take. "Janet! Where the hell have you been?"
Janet walked over and picked up Billy. "Where do you think I've been? Here. Where you left me."
Bobby shook his head as if to clear it.
"But the last time we saw you was 2007. Right after Lean Mean Thirteen. We had a party." He stared at her. "You've been here the whole time?"
She fired up the lighter. "No song hong I tong, Sherlock."
Ranger looked incredulous. "What have you been doing the whole time?"
"I've pretty much been stoned. And looking at Rangeman ass. Between the wacky weed, the ass and writing, life doesn't get any better."
"Let me get this straight," Hal said. "You've been stoned since Lean Mean Thirteen?"
"Yes."
"My God, it explains everything."
We all stared at her.
"What?" she asked.
"Have you actually read books fourteen through eighteen?" I asked.
"Of course. They are the greatest books ever written. I can't believe I didn't discover pot sooner."
We all continued to stare at her.
"Have you read them sober?" I persisted.
"No, I haven't been sober since 2007. What do you think?"
"What have we done?" I whispered.
Ranger leaned back in his chair. "I don't know what you people are complaining about. Have you SEEN the amount of sex I've been having in the last two books?"
Just then the door opened and Lula, Connie and Morelli walked in. Lula, Connie and I slapped hands. Ranger stood up and walked over to Morelli. They eyeballed each other and we held our collective breath.
"Why are you here, Morelli."
"It's New Year's Eve. Everyone else is here. I followed Lula."
Ranger continued to stare at Morelli. It was a critical moment. Finally he narrowed his eyes slightly.
"I'm stoned. And I can still kick your ass."
"Can not."
"Can, too."
Morelli shrugged and walked over to take Billy from Janet.
"Hey Janet. What the fuck is with that lame ass poll on the website? Ranger is totally in the lead."
"Life's a bitch," she said. "But anyway, I don't know anything about the website anymore. I've been stoned for the last four years."
"That explains everything," Lula said.
We settled in together to start the countdown for the new year.
10:30 pm
Ranger flicked Morelli's ear.
"Ow! Stop that, jerk off!"
Flick.
"I said cut it out!"
Flick
Morelli turned and started to raise his fist to Ranger, who pointed at Tank, who was seated 10 feet away at the table.
"It was Tank."
Morelli stared for a while at Tank.
"I had no idea he was so fast. We need some bean dip."
11:00 pm
Lula, Connie, Janet and I were lying on our backs staring up at the ceiling. The boys were watching That 70's Show in the den.
"I can't believe another year is gone," I said.
"Isn't that the truth," Lula nodded.
"I love you guys," said Connie.
Lula unwrapped another Tastycake. "It's just…I don't know…it's another year gone and I don't feel any different. I still dress like an ex ho, I shoot my gun at everything, I have no man, I don't actually DO anything for Vinnie, and yet I claim to work there and everyone believes it."
We all nodded.
"And you Steph, what has changed for you? You still suck at your job, you can't choose between two men.."
"Hold up," I said. "In the Billy stories, Cindy wrote me in a relationship with Ranger. Clearly I have chosen-"
"Give it up. We're all stoned. People reading this might be stoned. She can change anything she wants to. So anyway, you can't choose between two men AND you have become a slut sleeping with both of them."
Connie got up on her elbows and looked over at me. "Yeah, what's up with that?"
We all peered over at Janet.
"What the HELL are you people talking about?"
"Why did you make me a slut?"
She thought for a moment. "Why not?"
This stumped us.
"Think it through. You never age. You have sex with two hot men and you live on a private island with the two of them wearing loincloths."
"I don't live on a private island."
"Are you sure? I swear I wrote that."
I looked around. "No, we're not on an island."
Janet was quiet. "Oh, you're right. I couldn't decide between writing the love island or a farting monkey. Did I write about a monkey?"
"Unfortunately."
She lit Billy again. "Bummer."
11:15
"Hey, Ranger." Ranger looked over at Morelli. "Why do we hate each other again?"
"Because Stephanie thinks I'm better in bed and you can't deal with it."
"Are not."
"Am, too."
"Guys!" I said. "For real?"
Ranger motioned towards Morelli. "Everyone knows I have a bigger dick."
"Do not."
"Do too."
Ranger started unbuckling his pants.
"If anyone stops this," Lula said. "I will kick their ass."
Morelli looked at me and pointed. "Wait. Once and for all, Stephanie. Who is better? I can't take it anymore."
I thought for a moment. Both men leaned forward and were staring at me. There was a lot of pressure here. I mean, whoever I picked I was possibly going to lose the other one. What man could stay in a relationship when he knew he wasn't the best in bed? But they were staring at me so hard, I knew I had to answer once and for all and finally end this.
I sighed. "Ranger."
Ranger blinked. "What?"
"Ranger!" I said, again, louder.
Morelli nudged Ranger. "Steph's calling you."
"I am?"
Ranger frowned. "Why do people keep saying my name?"
Lester smiled. "Wow, it sounds different when you call another man's name, Beautiful."
Ranger reached over to grab a handful of Lester's shirt, but quickly realized he was naked.
"When the Hell did you get naked?"
Lester looked over at Janet, who was sitting next to him, naked, too. They both started giggling.
"Seriously," Ranger said. "Why are people calling my name?"
11:30 pm
We were all camped out around the TV, ready to watch the ball drop. Lester was the only one not watching the TV. He had been focused on Janet for the last 30 minutes.
"Seriously," he waved his arms. "I have one line in your fucking books. ONE LINE! And look around you. I'm a fan fiction legend! Isn't that wrong to you? You couldn't stick me in one freakin other book? Not one time?"
She nodded. "I could give you your own series. You could drive the same black Cayenne, have the hots for a goofy girl who has a crazy sidekick. And you could have that farting monkey. Oh, and we should have something to do with cupcakes. And then I could turn it into a love triangle again. I'm good with the triangle. This is my best idea yet and it's all new and original and never, ever done before."
We heard a loud popping noise. Diesel walked over and picked up Billy.
"Too late," he said after inhaling. "You already wrote that. You took Finger Lickin' Fifteen and just changed the name to Wicked Appetite. But whatever, it's still my series and Lester can't have it."
"Fuck you, hater," Lester said.
Janet looked perplexed. "How did you know how I wrote Wicked Appetite? I didn't think anyone actually READ book fifteen."
"Nah, no one did," Diesel said. "But I didn't have anything else to do. I was in, like, four little half books that still cost the same as the big books. I had time to kill. I read Metro Girl, too. I swear, didn't you just rename my character as the race car guy in that?"
"You can't say it's the same book!" Janet yelled. "No one drove black cars in that one! And it's in Florida! That's like…a whole other state!"
"Yeah," Bobby said. "And Lula is Hispanic in that one. Totally different."
"Later," Diesel said. "I can't be gone too long or Carl starts shitting on the furniture. Thanks a flippin heap for that one, Janet."
There was a loud pop and he was gone.
"When the hell did he get the monkey?" Janet asked. "But no matter. I'll just write the same story line again. And I'll use the same jokes. Just like I did on page 64 of Finger Licken' Fifteen which is a recycled joke from Thirteen. And on page 185 of Seventeen is from book ten. I mean really, who is actually going to take the time to look up the pages and exploit it in a fan fic? You'd seriously have to have no life."
"Word up," Tank said.
12:00 am
We all watched the ball drop down, quiet except for the soft bubbling from Billy as Hal had one more turn. We had turned off the lights so that only the glow from the TV lit our faces as we said good-bye and good night to 2011 and welcomed the birth of 2012. We looked around at each other, the familiar faces all together as they should be.
"Happy New Year!" we all whispered, linking arms.
I sighed happily. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my New Year than here, surrounded by those I loved. I had no clue what the year ahead would bring but as I looked at the faces of those around me I was content.
Ranger leaned over and kissed me.
"Happy New Year, Babe."