'Ello, little story about a Goblin, since there aren't any in this archive and a tribute to the greatest of them all, Wayne! Can't believe no one thought of this before.
--
Chapter 1: Meet Wayne!
There have been many tales of many of Middle-Earth's inhabitants. There have been tales of Men, and of Elves and of Dwarves and Hobbits of course, there are even legends of Orcs, but now read a tale of one of Middle-Earth's unsung races. Read the tale, of a Goblin.
--
Deep within a large mountain, in the heart of the dread land of Mordor, there was a cavern, in this cavern there was a home. In this home there was a chair, and sitting in this chair, was Wayne.
Wayne was a Goblin, though looking at him, one might not be so sure. He was different from other Goblins. If one were to compare him with others, you might say he was the handsomest of the lot.
Wayne was slumped in the chair in a lazy fashion, but standing up he was a good 5'10, one might sum him up as tall and lanky. His skin was smooth and bright green, unlike the gnarled flesh of his kin. His feet were large, with two toes, both with a curved, talon-like claw. His hands were large with five long fingers, each with a groomed black claw. His head was bald, and his ears were long and pointed. He had a pointed chin and a large pointed nose. His small mouth, which was currently drawn down into a frown, was filled with many small, white fangs. His eyes were round, instead of slanted as was customary with most Goblins, and were yellow, with bright red pupils. Wayne wore surprisingly normal cloths for a Goblin, a pair of brown cloth trousers that reached just past his knees and a matching brown tunic with long sleeves, around his waste was a black belt with a long, curved dagger clasped onto it.
(I suck at descriptions, go to this link if you want an idea, and for a funny spoof of The Hobbit, which I enjoy immensely, go to the link on my Author Page. It's FUNNY!)
Wayne was seated in front of one of the seven palantir, or 'seeing stones'. Oddly, coming out of it was soft, instrumental music, that brought a smile to the young Goblin's face, and seemed to be lulling him to sleep.
While Wayne was in his dreary state, his roommate, employer and master, the Dark Lord Sauron, fully clad in his intimidating armor.
Most people thought the Dark Lord was completely killed when the Ring was destroyed, but in fact, it only held his power, which had been safely transferred back to him, though limited him to Mordor… for now. The resulting shockwave of such power however had destroyed much, and left the impression the Dark Lord of Mordor had been defeated, exactly as he had planned.
Seeing his personal henchman falling asleep he raised his hand and waved it over the seeing stone, switching the music to a blast of Heavy Metal.
Wayne jolted awake and fixed Sauron with a glare, he waved his hand over the palantir, making it go dim and silent.
"Great, what do you want now?" asked the Goblin, his voice was very odd, instead of a sly, cracking voice, his voice had a… smooth English accent? Indeed, just another odd attribute of this odd Goblin was his smooth voice which, as he claimed, drove the She-Elves crazy. He even claimed to have dated an Elf before, but many doubted this.
Normally, one would be incinerated on the spot for talking to the Dark Lord of Mordor in such a way. But Wayne was his personal henchman, and the closest thing the Dark Lord had to a friend in this Mortal world, so much so that he granted him with Immortality so he could boss him around forever.
"We are running low on yams and smoked ham for Tom Bombadil, go to the market and fetch some more!" commanded Sauron in a dark, echoing voice.
Wayne raised a slim eyebrow and looked over to the blue-clad singing spirit, sleeping peacefully on the couch.
"Why is he staying here again?" asked the annoyed Goblin.
"Goldberry kicked him out after he was out all night partying with the badger-people. She needs some time to cool off, it happens like once every few months." explained the Dark Lord.
"Okay but why is he HERE? I mean, its not very EVIL to let people crash at your lair and-" The Goblin started but was cut off.
"SILENCE! I AM THE DARK LORD OF MORDOR! HE WHO FORGED THE ONE RING! The one ring… TO RULE THEM ALL! HE'S HERE IF I WANT HIM TO BE HERE! … plus I owe him a favor."
"Right, but Master, there are no markets in Mordor! At least none that sells food like that. I'd have to go all the way to-"
"Gondor, yes. Don't worry its just a few days journey, we should have enough supplies until you return." the Dark Lord cut him off again.
"Uh… I don't know if you noticed, but I'm a GOBLIN! And Goblins and Orcs aren't taken to kindly in Gondor… or anywhere for that matter." said the Goblin, getting comfortable in his chair again.
"Don't worry, I have that covered!" said the Dark Lord as he threw a small golden object at his henchmen, whom it hit squarely in the eye.
"Ow! What the…" said Wayne as he picked it up and saw it was a golden ring with a small ruby embedded on top.
"Uh… a ring… haven't you had enough of rings?" asked Wayne with a smirk.
"SILENCE! And that ring will disguise you're appearance. It will make you look human, so don't worry." said the Dark Lord with a thumbs up.
"…well, what about money?" asked Wayne, looking for any excuse to not go.
He was disappointed when a heavy bag of gold landed in his lap.
"Well, whose gonna take my place?! I mean, Not just anyone can manage things around here." said Wayne with a frown.
"I AM THE DARK LORD OF MORDOR AND I HAVE FORGED THE ONE RING. The one ring… TO RULE THEM ALL! I think I can manage." said Sauron with a wave of his hand.
Seeing no way out of it, Wayne sighed and went over to the coat-rack and retrieved hi tattered brown traveling cloak.
"Fine, fine. I'm going, if I'm not back in three days, I'm probably dead." said Wayne, tying the cloak around his shoulders, strapping the bag of gold to his waist and slipping the magic ring into his pocket.
"Fine, and should you die, I shall rain horrible vengeance on Gondor, FOR I AM THE DARK LORD OF MORDOR AND I HAVE FORGED THE ONE RING. The one ring… TO RULE THEM ALL!" cried Sauron, as red bolts of raw energy shot from his hands.
Wayne sighed in annoyance as he opened the door and headed for Gondor. Sometimes he wondered if having the Ring fall into a pit of lava had damaged his master's brain.
--
What do ya think? Review, or face the wrath of the Dark Lord of Mordor!