Her face hardens and you see the anger and hurt build in her eyes. With a final look at you she stands, grabs her jacket and storms out, slamming the door with an alarming bans as she goes. You're not sure what makes you break down this time. There are several different possibilities as to why your body breaks down in gut wrenching sobs. You think the main reason is that you don't know if she will come back this time.
It reminds you so much of that night that you can barely breathe. This time you are so unsure of whether she will come back or not. Every other time she has, but surely you can only fight so many times until everything you have is shattered so badly that the shards can't be pieced back together.
Whenever Delphine storms off in tears you curse yourself and the fact that being so madly in love makes you so jealous. This time things had kicked off because another professor at the university had been flirting with her. A male professor. And it had reminded you of the past, of how you were her first. Not only did it make you feel rather insecure but it turned you green with envy.
Knowing that she had, albeit unknowingly flirted back. You had seen the way the professor had looked at her, with eyes practically glazed with lust, and it had made your insides churn.n When she had tried to wind her arm around your waist as you walked to your shared apartment you had pulled away.
You had glanced at her face and seen the hurt, yet you wanted to be petty and ignore the guilt. You walked home a step ahead of her, not glancing back, apart from once when you had seen the hurt and confusion plastered over her face. You had taken a secret sort of vindictive pleasure from that. The second you had stepped through the door she tried to draw you into an embrace. An embrace that you had rejected, all because you felt like acting like a child.
She had asked you what was wrong and instead of being reasonable and rational you had snarled a scathing response at her. Seeing her so comfortable flirting with other people had hurt you beyond compare, so you tried to hurt her back.
Snapping at each other had become shouting at each other from other sides of the room and the that had progressed to screaming in each others' faces. In the end Delphine had sat on the edge of the bed until you snapped at her one last time. One time too many. As her face closed off and she stood your anger had dissipated and you hope it's not too late. You know that when she comes back- if she comes back- you will grovel and beg for her forgiveness. For now however, you sit and wait for morning, hoping that the dawn will bring her with it.
She comes home just before four in the morning. Her eyes are swollen and red and her face is blotchy. In fact she looks like hell, and you're pretty sure you look about the same. You have been pacing for hours, unable to sit still, restlessly waiting for her return. When you see her every thing you had planned to say leaks out of your mind. She stands at the door of the home you have built together and you don't know what to say to fix things. Things were said that can never be taken back and you desperately want to bridge the gap that is beginning to form between you.
When you see her standing there your mouth opens and closes dumbly. You take a step towards her and she steps around you and strides towards the couch.
You freeze and try to work up the courage to turn around again. The hurt is still plastered on her face and you would give the air that you are breathing and more to just make it go away. It's like a thousand slaps in the face because you know it's you who put it there.
She sits and this time she looks at you and meets your eyes. Your eyes stay locked as you complete the few steps necessary to reach her. You kneel in front of her and you scrabble for her hands. You grab one and are glad to find that she doesn't try to retract it from your strong grasp. You break eye contact so you can gaze at her hand as you reverently kiss it.
"I'm sorry." You whisper against the soft skin of her hand. You keep your gaze on your joined hands as your bottom lip trembles and tears pool in the corners of your eyes behind you glasses."So sorry" you whisper and you both hear your voice break.
As the tears begin to spill over the brims of your eyes you feel her hand under your chin. Slowly and gently she tilts your head up so that you eyes meet once again. She leans forward so her lips rest against you ear lobe.
"Je t'aime ma Cherie" she half whispers and half coos in your ear. As she pulls back her lips brush against the skin of your cheek, brushing away the tears of shame.
"I love you. Please forgive me Delphine."
"Cosima, we both said things that we didn't truly mean. I will not lose you over a silly fight that I am sure we will have a hundred times.I should not have let the attention go to my head. " You can hear the unnecessary apology in her voice and you don't know how to reply.
Instead of using words to reply you pull her into a kiss. It's unlike anything you have shared with her before. It is passionate and desperate and needy but it holds an underlying tenderness. It says everything that you can't as it deepens. thousands of meanings are conveyed through this one kiss.
This fight was your worst yet and you know that things aren't going to be easy. If anything you are sure that things are going to get much more difficult. But you love each other and you won't lose each other. Not again. Not after last time. Not after everything you've been through.
Although the path ahead won't be easy for either of you, you won't worry about that now. It is time for you to live in the present, try and forget the past and accept and embrace whatever the future might bring. It's time for you to live in the now.
Right now at this moment the thing that you wish to do the most is show Delphine how much you love and care for her. You'll show her exactly what you feel and how hard you will fight to make things right between you.
As the kiss between you ends you rest your forehead against hers. Slowly, you stand up and using your entwined hands you draw her up too. Holding her flush against your body, you know hat it is to feel alive. And that is because that's exactly how you feel when you are with her. Alive and quite simply happy, no matter how hard things get.
And even one second by Delphine's side makes the fights and wounds that are opened worth it.