Now I Know

Season: 2

Pairing: Jack/Daniel

Rating: R

Category: pre-slash

Spoilers: Show and Tell

Warnings: adult themes, non-graphic slash…ok, mildly graphic slash, but they keep their clothes on so it doesn't really count. =)

This is related to my earlier story Enlighten Me. Basically it is the same period of time, but from Daniel's point of view.
Signals turn to blatantly obvious action and Daniel is taken by surprise.

XxXxXxXx

Daniel sat in his car staring through the windshield at Jack's front porch wondering what the heck had just happened. To say he was stunned would have been an understatement. It was something closer to completely flummoxed.

When he had joined the rest of the team for dinner at Jack's house he hadn't imagined an ending to the evening that had looked anything like this. True, he had been harboring, hiding, and pushing aside feelings for Jack for months. Probably longer than he even realized, but it had never seemed anywhere in the realm of possibility that anything would ever come of it. The plan had been to keep his feelings of affection to himself and eventually get over them, or at the very least get past them. After all, Jack was career military and very definitely heterosexual. He was open-minded to a point, but there were limits. Ok, yes, he'd thought he'd been getting signals from Jack for several weeks that hinted at the notion his feelings were at least partly reciprocated, but had been willing to assume he was wrong and ignore it. He hadn't been able to explain what the signals really meant, but had been almost positive he'd been misinterpreting them somehow. At least, he'd been positive right up until about a half hour ago.

Sitting on the couch watching as Jack slowly leaned toward him with blatant desire in his eyes Daniel had been certain he'd somehow been transported to an alternate reality. After all, they were talking about Jack…O'Neill…Colonel O'Neill, but then their lips had met and Daniel had stopped looking for explanations. It was not a tentative, uncertain kiss. It was hungry, sloppy, and passionate, Jack kneeling over him, straddling him where he sat; his hands exploring Daniel's hair and his tongue demanding control of a situation that felt completely surreal. The conversation after the fact hadn't been any less bizarre.

Jack had admitted that he'd wanted it, but at the same time had no idea why and from the disturbed expression on his face, no idea what he had wanted to happen next. They had both been taken by surprise and neither one of them had any idea where to go with it…assuming they were going to go anywhere. Jack was confused. Daniel was conflicted. It was far from the ideal place to start a relationship. Their friendship made it impossible to simply jump into a brief fling and then walk away. Jack's discomfort with the entire concept made even a one night we-made-a-mistake-and-we'll-never-do-it-again stand a very remote possibility. He had to own up to his attraction first and that would take time. Assuming he did it at all.

Daniel drove home with a blizzard of thoughts and emotions swirling in his head. Yes, he'd been toying with the fantasy off and on for months, but that was all it had been…a fantasy. The idea that Jack would never reciprocate the attraction had made it easier to ignore. Now that Jack's lack of interest in Daniel had apparently become a keen interest the fantasy had become warped and jumbled as it shifted that much closer to reality. The thought of a wonderfully passionate night together was marred by the reality tied to both of them.

Jack was a soldier in a military that had absolutely no tolerance for homosexuality. The closest they came was agreeing not to go digging for something that wasn't obvious. If you felt it hide it, and for heaven sake keep it off the base and maybe they'd pretend it didn't exist. A real relationship between them would demand that hiding it became their top priority. They would have to be prepared to not only deny it existed, but hide it so well that suspicion never became an issue in the first place. If they ever got to a point of needing to deny it then they had already failed and failure meant the sudden and hostile end to Jack's career.

As for Daniel, he already had a relationship. True, at the moment it was a relationship in name only since he hadn't seen his wife for well over two years. But despite the fact that the search had already taken a lot longer than he'd ever imagined, he was determined to find her and free her from the goa'uld. He was determined that there would come a day when he would take Shau'ri back to Abydos and they would try to pick up where they had left off. There was simply no room for Jack in that scenario.

They could have an affair, but it would be temporary and technically it would be a betrayal of his role as Shau'ri's husband…her faithful husband. His hormones might have been in favor of a short-term fling with Jack, but Daniel wasn't the cheating kind. He was terrible at lying and he hated being in situations where he had no choice, but to be dishonest. Could he look Shau'ri in the face and tell her there had been no one else while she'd been gone and make it convincing? Could he stand to lie to her in the first place? It wouldn't be another woman so he wasn't sure she would care. After all, there were fundamental differences in attitudes toward homosexual behavior between men in her culture and on Earth. Abydonians didn't look at it the same way. However, in his heart Daniel wasn't sure he could make the distinction without a lot of time spent justifying it to himself and if that was the case should he be doing it at all?

Maybe it was better that Jack was confused and undecided. It would put the entire concept to rest. Besides, he knew what happened when someone jumped into the deep end of "forbidden love" before they had really come to terms with how they felt about their new sexuality. He had been down that road before and it had ended badly each time. Somebody felt something for him and decided to act on it. He reciprocated only to have the other person change their mind, come to their senses, scare themselves right back into the closet, and leave him out in the cold. Sometimes it was better to leave well enough alone before things got out of hand and someone got hurt…usually him.

Yes, this was different. He had more history with Jack than almost anyone else in his life. They'd been through some incredibly ugly times together and had forged a solid, though unexpected friendship out of it. In any other situation they probably wouldn't have had anything in common, but as he was learning, people you risked your life with and for tended to get under your skin pretty quickly. His practice of keeping people at arms' length didn't work. Not here. Not with Jack.

Still, despite their history and their friendship he had no intention of running headlong into something they might both regret. Like he had told Jack, it wasn't too late to forget the whole thing had ever happened. In a way he was hoping Jack would take him up on the offer. In a way he was hoping he wouldn't.

XxXxXxXx

Several days later Daniel was standing on Jack's porch again, knocking on the front door and steeling himself for whatever was coming. For the past week Jack had been not exactly distant, but reserved; not exactly hostile, but testy. It had been obvious to everyone that something was bothering him and that he was trying to hide it and only partially succeeding in the attempt. It was also obvious that he didn't want to talk about it. Daniel had been the only one with inside information on the source of the annoyance, but he hadn't been in the mood to talk about it any more than Jack.

He wasn't sure it was a good idea to go down this road. He also wasn't sure it was a bad one. Part of him wondered how much longer his search for Shau'ri would go on and whether the time apart would undermine the relationship they had once had. He had no way of knowing, but by typical standards he had waited a lot longer than most people would have to jump into something new. Of course, the mess his marriage had become wasn't even in the same galaxy as "typical" so there simply wasn't any way to apply rules to it. He was flying blind.

All he could say for certain was that he was relieved Jack hadn't decided to turn his confusion and discomfort into blatant hostility and drive him away in order to more easily bury his feelings. The last thing he wanted was to see one harmless kiss destroy their friendship. Unfortunately, against his better judgment part of him had also started to hope that the lack of hostility was also a sign that the issue wasn't quite settled yet; that there was still a chance. Jack's mood hadn't improved as the days had passed and Daniel had interpreted that to mean that Jack wasn't exactly running for cover, but he wasn't embracing the idea of a relationship either. In short, he hadn't exactly made up his mind. Things could still go either way.

It might have been a better idea to just let the entire discussion lie until Jack had actually made up his mind, but Daniel wasn't in the mood to be that patient. He didn't like having his feelings hanging in limbo. Maybe he was pushing things a little by asking, but he wanted to know. He raised his hand to knock a second time when the door was jerked open in front of him.

"What?" Jack bellowed before a look of recognition crossed his face and he deflated a little.

After Jack's week long pissy mood Daniel hadn't exactly expected a warm welcome.

"Is this a bad time?" he asked casually.

"No. I was just, uh…come in." Jack replied as Daniel studied his expression intently, looking for any signs that there had been a change in the low flying hostility they'd all been getting lately.

He was trying not to read too much into the fact that Jack's attitude had suddenly dropped a few notches closer to friendly, or that he looked mildly anxious.

"Want a beer?" Jack asked.

"No thanks." He replied. "I, uh…I just came by to see how you were doing." He added as Jack closed the door, finding it a little annoying that his palms were suddenly sweating.

It wasn't too late to change his mind and leave things alone, but since he was already there he might as well do what he'd come to do, even if part of him was no longer sure it wanted an answer. Not knowing one way or the other gave him hope, but it also kept the steady flow of guilt alive. He'd been thinking about the situation just as long as Jack and the conclusion he'd come to was that he wanted more. He wanted to see if they could have something beyond friendship and actually make it work. He also wanted to be faithful to his wife. Unfortunately the two were equally balanced. He knew it was supremely unfair, but without Jack knowing it, Daniel was asking him to make the decision for the both of them.

"Fine." Jack answered almost instantly.

"I figured it's been a week since our little…um…" he watched as Jack visibly cringed and just as visibly tried not to.

"Yeah…um…thing." Jack jumped in, waving a hand in the air.

"Conversation." Daniel concluded, hunting for the least antagonistic description he could think of.

Jack was obviously still trying to get comfortable with the entire concept and it wasn't even remotely settled enough in his mind for him to be able to speak the words out loud. Nevertheless the fact remained that he'd kissed Daniel. One of those passionate, mind-blowing kisses that couldn't possibly be written off as an accident or a moment of curiosity inspired by a bit too much beer. It had been fueled entirely by desire strong enough to have overridden all of Jack's inhibition. There wasn't enough beer in the world to have made that happen unless part of Jack had wanted it to. That wasn't to say he had known exactly what he'd been doing. Daniel had no doubt a majority of Jack had been just as shocked by the action as he had. It just wasn't all that easy to explain away. At least not without admitting to some deep seeded physical desire that went against everything a career military man was supposed to stand for.

"I just wanted to see how you were handling…it." Daniel added as he stood in the foyer still scrutinizing Jack's expression, looking for the rejection he hoped he wouldn't see, but at the same time had no doubt he would eventually find.

"Fine. I'm fine." Jack insisted.

In the space of their brief conversation Daniel had counted no less than four different emotions ghosting across Jack's face. For a man trained to hide what he felt, that was significant. Fear and sorrow had been among them. He wasn't taking that as a good sign.

"You don't exactly look 'fine'." He pointed out.

"It's just a mid-life crisis." Jack assured him. "A few beers in front of the TV, a long weekend fishing and I'll be fine."

"Is that what it was?" Daniel asked, unable to help the smile that crept onto his face.

Certainly one heck of a mid-life crisis. Most men just went out and bought a sports car.

"Yes, Daniel, that's what it was." Daniel's smile faded as the reappearance of sorrow flashed across Jack's face.

He'd found a convenient excuse to explain what had happened, but at the same time he was probably wishing he hadn't.

"Ok." Daniel nodded. "Mind if I stay for a while?" He asked without any real interest in spending the night watching sports on TV.

He would much rather have just left, but he knew that would only serve to make Jack feel worse. Daniel understood why he had chosen to turn his back on his feelings. He didn't like it, but he understood it. He'd offered the escape in the first place so he didn't really have any right to be upset that Jack had taken him up on it. Part of him was relieved. Part of him was incredibly disappointed. Still, reality didn't always allow for things like inconvenient love affairs. Sometimes you had no choice, but to walk away. In both their cases, maybe that was the wisest option.

Daniel sat in silence, pretending to be interested in the game. Jack knew he wasn't a big hockey fan so he didn't have to work too hard at it. He wasn't planning to stay through the whole thing. Just long enough to have a break in play so he could finish the conversation. If they were going to pretend they'd both imagined it then he wanted to hear Jack actually say so. Chalking it up to a mid-life crisis and doing a little fishing and a little drinking to clear his head certainly sounded like he intended to put the whole thing behind him, but Daniel wanted to be sure.

"Any thoughts on how you want to handle the 'mid-life crisis'?" He asked when the players finally took a break to huddle in their respective locker rooms.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, do we forget it or…?"

"It would probably be less complicated if we did." Jack replied.

"Probably. Though that doesn't exactly answer the question."

"For the sake of my sanity I think it would be better if we did." Jack said, sounding less than enthusiastic about the decision.

Apparently he was still undecided about what he wanted, but his career was making the decision for him. It wasn't much of a surprise.

"Ok." Daniel nodded, trying not to sound as disappointed as he felt.

His determined efforts to keep his expectations low had been only partly successful. It wasn't exactly a surprise that he was honestly disappointed, maybe even a little heartbroken. It was the smart choice for both of them, but he wasn't really happy about out.

He said his good-byes and headed out the door attempting to comfort himself with the thought that at least they still had their friendship. As he had just proven they still had the ability to sit in a room alone together and be relatively comfortable doing it. That was something.

XxXxXxXx

Once again Daniel found himself standing on Jack's front porch, knocking on the door. This time, however, there was honestly no expectation. Jack needed him. He hadn't said as much because he never did, but it didn't take a genius to know that the Retu boy having adopted the name of Jack's dead son and then adopting Jack was going to do more than simply rock the boat.

Charlie was an incredibly touchy subject for Jack and always had been. He never talked about him…ever. Having Janet announce that the Retu "Charlie" was in critical condition and wouldn't live much longer had to have been a slap in the face. Jack's "mid-life crisis" aside, Daniel fully intended to be there for him whether he admitted he needed the company or not.

This time the door opened without the dramatic outburst of his last visit.

"Come on in." Jack replied with little enthusiasm and even less surprise over finding Daniel at his door.

"I, uh, just thought I'd drop by and see how…" He began, closing the door.

"I'm fine." Jack interrupted in a tone of voice that strongly discouraged any argument.

"Right." Daniel said quietly, more to himself than to Jack.

He'd expected as much.

"The kid isn't really Charlie." Jack pointed out.

"I know."

"I know how to keep this in perspective." Jack assured him. "I just have to stay detached, that's all."

"I know. I also know 'detached' doesn't always work so well."

Sam had tried it once before in a similar situation and, well, it hadn't been a rousing success. How someone could just turn off their emotions like that he would never know. Even the attempt at feeling nothing in those situations seemed ridiculous at best…callous at worst.

"I'm fine." Jack repeated.

"Ok." Daniel agreed, though he didn't believe it.

Jack was probably a lot of things at the moment, but "fine" wasn't one of them. Of course, admitting to anything less would have been completely out of character. Thankfully, years spent in close proximity meant he could read between the lines fairly well. Jack was disturbed by the whole thing whether he wanted to admit it or not.

"Want a beer?" Jack asked the way he always did.

"No, I think I'm…" Daniel began before thinking better of it "actually, sure. I'd love one."

He wasn't really interested in drinking, but Jack tended to open up a bit better with a little alcohol in his system. Of course, anyone else in the room needed to have at least a minimal buzz, too. Somehow it made it easier.

"You know, if you want to talk about it…" Daniel offered as he took the bottle and settled on the couch in the den.

"I know." Jack replied. "I appreciate it…but I don't."

"Ok." Daniel nodded, making himself comfortable as Jack settled into a chair across the room.

Daniel hadn't shown up with a speech prepared, only the offer of a shoulder to lean on. With that offer made he found he had very little else to say. Jack was a bit too far into "disturbed" to be very talkative, though Daniel could see in his eyes that there was a lot going on under the surface. Eventually he might have something to say. He might not, but Daniel had no problem hanging out in the silence just to find out.

Dividing his attention between the beer in his hand, which he was slowly drinking, and random objects around the room it was several very long, silent moments before he looked up to find Jack staring at him. Not right at him, more like at his chest, but the fact that his gaze stayed pinned to the spot sparked his curiosity.

"What?" He finally asked.

"What?" Jack echoed, Daniel's voice rousing him from his thoughts.

"You've been staring at me for the last five minutes. I thought maybe you had something you wanted to say."

"I was?" Jack asked in obvious confusion.

"You were."

"I, uh, no…I was just thinking."

"About?"

"Nothing." Jack shook his head. "Just…stuff."

"Right." Daniel nodded.

According to a quick glance at his watch it had been over 30 minutes of stone cold silence. It was comfortable enough, but maybe Jack didn't really want company after all. Maybe he needed to be alone.

"Maybe I should go." Daniel offered, getting up from the couch.

"If you want." Jack shrugged.

It was the kind of response that always left Daniel guessing. Did he want company, but was afraid to admit it or did he want to be alone and was trying to be polite and not come right out and tell Daniel to leave? Of course, Jack didn't exactly have trouble giving blatant hints when he wanted someone to vacate the premises.

"I can stay if you…" Daniel began, suddenly unsure of what he wanted to do. "Maybe I should go. I mean, since you're obviously…fine."

Getting up from the couch he reminded himself that Jack was a grown man. If he wanted company he was certainly capable of finding a way to ask. He hadn't.

"Just a little tired." Jack offered.

From the look of him he was more than tired. The expression on his face made that much very clear. Daniel headed up the steps toward the door and was half way there when he turned back around to make one last offer. He was more than a little surprised to come almost literally face to face with Jack who had apparently been following right behind him. Suddenly they were standing very nearly toe to toe.

Daniel had been doing his best over the last few weeks to put the kiss behind him and forget it had ever happened. However, being inches away from Jack triggered the memory and suddenly half his brain was back on the couch reliving the event.

"I, uh, I was going to say you can, uh, call me if you need to…want to." He stammered, struggling to keep track of what he was saying. "I, uh, don't really have to leave if you want me to, um, stay." He added, hoping Jack told him to stay…really hoping, despite the fact that he suspected it would be a mistake.

The next few moments were a blur. He had barely registered the fact that Jack was smiling at him, a feral kind of possessive smirk, when two hands grabbed his shoulders and suddenly he was being propelled back, finally coming to rest against the very solid front door. The impact didn't exactly hurt, but it was enough to leave him stunned. The hungry, demanding mouth pressed to his only added to his confusion.

So much for forgetting it ever happened.

Jack had his hands pressed against the door on either side of Daniel's head, his mouth working him over, drifting briefly to his jaw before returning to his lips. He could feel the blatant desire in every movement of Jack's tongue and the low growl rumbling in his throat. Things were obviously heating up and Daniel half expected the hands still held determinedly to the door to begin roaming any minute. He almost wanted them to, but at that point he knew only one of them was actually in control of their actions and it wasn't Jack. Not really. If they were going to do this he wanted it to be a conscious choice on both sides.

Almost reluctantly he rested a hand on each of Jack's shoulders and pushed him back just far enough to break the kiss and get his attention.

"As much as I like it, I don't think you really want to do this." Daniel panted, his heart still pounding.

Slowly, but steadily salient desire melted into abject confusion as Jack fully grasped what he was doing.

"I…I don't…"

"I know." Daniel nodded. "Why don't you sit down?"

They had been through this before. Part of Jack desperately wanted it. Part of Jack didn't. Now and then one side managed to temporarily override the other, but it was only temporary. Once again their natural yin and yang had found mates in the other because part of Daniel desperately wanted it too, but part of him didn't. Daniel had enough presence of mind to keep stopping things before they went too far, knowing how catastrophic it would be for Jack, but he was just as confused by the whole thing. In all honesty he didn't want to stop. He wanted to just let go and let things happen, but for at least one of them that would be the wrong way to handle it.

"I think I'm losing it." Jack admitted as he sank into a chair, hands trembling from the combined hormonal rush and fear over having once again lost control of himself.

"I know." Daniel crouched beside him and rested a reassuring hand on his knee. "But you're not."

"Easy for you to say." Jack groused.

"It's confusing. I'll give you that." He added, speaking from experience, trying to keep his own issues out of the mix and put himself in Jack's shoes.

He'd been a lot younger than Jack when he'd first discovered that his sexual preference wasn't as cut and dried as he had thought, but it had been disturbing nonetheless.

"I think at some point you're going to have to decide how you want to handle this." Daniel advised.

"I did."

"No, you didn't. You pushed it aside hoping it would go away. Obviously that's not going to work."

Jack groaned and flopped his head back against the chair. Daniel offered a few suggestions for dealing with the issue without simply smothering it, but Jack shot each one down in turn. He was apparently still looking to put things back the way they had been, but that wasn't really an option. It suddenly dawned on Daniel that perhaps they were looking at things from the wrong angle. Nothing about the situation was logical or rational so attempting to find a logical or rational explanation wasn't going to work.

"Maybe we should look at this a different way; just keep it simple." He offered

"Simple is good."

"It's just me and you." Daniel said gently, holding his gaze, his hand still rested on Jack's knee. "No philosophical discussions about bi…unexpected attractions," Daniel amended in response to Jack's pained expression "I'm attracted to you, Jack. I'll admit it. Somewhere in there you have feelings for me, too. If we don't want to bury the friendship in order to get away from it then what are we going to do about it?"

Jack looked back at him for along moment, something rolling around in his head that he obviously didn't want to share. Once again Daniel was hoping…against his better judgment. With so much at stake it was entirely likely that Jack would agree to any one of his previously rejected suggestions…including Daniel transferring off the team to give them a little distance from each other…just to find a solution. In the silence he did his best to brace himself for what was coming. So he was taken completely by surprise when Jack reached out a hand and gently cupped his face, stroking a thumb back and forth across his skin.

The touch was electrifying, even more so than the previous kiss and he couldn't help, but smile. Once again he was hoping; hoping the touch wasn't a farewell send off as he held that hand to his face. Fingers curled around his neck urging him forward and one more time Jack was kissing him, but this time there was no desperation in the contact. It was sweet and warm and gentle.

"Jack." He murmured against his lips.

"I want this, Daniel."

"Your career." He cautioned.

"One thing at a time." Jack offered, breaking the kiss, though his thumb continued tracking back and forth across Daniel's face.

Daniel nodded back. There were a lot of things to sort out between them. A lot of big, life altering issues. At any point along the way one of them could find a reason to call the whole thing off. In short, there was no point piling everything on the table at once.

Getting Jack to a place where he was comfortable enough in his own skin to try an actual physical relationship would take time and patience and somewhere in the process they would have to figure out the rules for carrying on something that could mean the end of Jack's hard won career. For Daniel's part he needed to reconcile his feelings of tender affection for Jack with the notion that to part of him starting a new relationship with anyone, even Jack, was tantamount to admitting defeat where Shau'ri was concerned. He wasn't ready to give up. He was nowhere near ready to call it a lost cause, but he didn't want to be alone any more. He needed a safe place to go to let things settle when his world felt like it was coming apart at the seams. He knew how to be alone. He was good at alone, but it was also cold and lonely there. Of course, Shau'ri was cold and lonely, too. It wasn't much of an excuse. Still, the look of wonder and affection on Jack's face offered a safe harbor and Daniel wasn't sure he had the strength to walk away. He was fairly certain he lacked the desire.

It seemed the only way for them to find sanctuary in the possibility of a new love was to walk through it one step at a time. At least neither of them would be doing it alone.