I just found this recently (After two and a half years or so) and decided I was quite fond of it. I have since made it somewhat more post-worthy, and posted it!
I feel somehow like I should be apologising for this...
Do we still need disclaimers? Nobody could possibly think I own Terrance and Phillip.
What else is there? Warnings? Oh, haha, probably. Sex and chainsaws.
Anyway...
"Say, Terrance..."
It was a warm evening, and everybody's favorite Canadian comedic duo had made their way to bed. Terrance was fast asleep, snoring. Each snore was accompanied by a fart, and each fart was accompanied by a burst of laughter. Phillip looked over at his partner, trying to decide whether it was worth waking him up. He'd been plagued by thought for quite awhile now, and it didn't seem likely that he'd get any sleep at all unless he talked to Terrance about it. Eventually he reached over and prodded the sleeping form beside him.
"Say, Terrance.." he said softly. Terrance rubbed his eyes groggily and shifted slightly.
"Yes, Phillip?" he mumbled.
"Are you quite sure we're not gay?"
"We're not gay, Phillip, why do you always ask me that?"
"I don't know, Terrance, it's just this feeling I've had ever since..."
"Ever since what, Phillip?"
"...ever since we started making love." stated Phillip blankly. There was a pregnant pause as Terrance contemplated this. He brought his quadrate hand to his face and rubbed his forehead thoughtfully. Finally, he loudly cleared his throat and spoke,
"But we've never made love, Phillip!"
"...Oh yeah!..DAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Silence fell once more and the duo settled back down under the covers. Terrance was about to yet again enter a fart-filled slumber, when he was nudged in the side. He opened his beady eyes and saw Phillip staring back at him.
"Say, Terrance..." Phillip began again.
"Yes, Phillip?"
"Could you take your dick out of my ass?" Terrance sighed, he knew that this was going to be a long night,
"But my dick isn't in your ass, Phillip."
"oh, my mistake! It's just that...heeeeey!"
"What is it, Phillip?"
"You're a liar, Terrance! A smelly, smelly liar!" Phillip almost shouted, anger becoming increasingly evidence in his voice.
"Why would you call me a liar, Phillip??"
"Because you're lying, you dick fucking dick fuck!"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Phillip." Phillip was fuming now. He pointed an accusing stump at Terrance, before bringing it around to point to his shapely (guffaw) rump,
"Look at my ass! Look at it, Terrance! You see what's shoved in it, Terrance? That's your dick!" he screamed.
"That's not my dick, Phillip, that could be anyone's dick!"
"But it's attached to YOUR body, Terrance!"
"No it isn't..."
"It is too! That's your dick, Terrance! Your dick, in my ass!" Terrance looked then to the area where dick and ass joined. He gave a surprised yelp as he realized that the dick did, in fact, belong to him,
"Oh, so it is! I wonder how that got there..."
"You put it there, Terrance, you put it there over an hour ago!"
"But why would I do that, Phillip?"
"Why don't you tell me, Terrance?" A wicked grin appeared on Terrance's face, this was his chance to get the upper hand,
"Hmmm, well it's one way to stop you farting! DAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"But...you like it when I fart...farts are funny!" Phillip said desperately, looking about ready to burst in to tears.
"When they come from me they are, Phillip, but I think we both know your farts are getting old fast..."
"How dare you say such things! You're mean, you're smelly, and...and, you're ugly! Terrance! I'm going to go move in with Scott!" yelled Phillip, before almost violently removing the dick from his ass. He stormed over to his dresser and began struggling to put his clothes on.
"B-but...Scott, Phillip? You can't! He's a dick!"
"Goodbye, Terrance!" said Phillip coldly, as he reached for the door.
Scott came to his door mumbling. Anyone who rang the doorbell that many times could not possibly be someone he wanted to see.
"Hello Scott, I've come to move in with you."
"No!" Scott seethed, and began to close the door. Phillip reached a hand out and stopped him, ignoring the rays of pure hate that emanated from the man in front of him.
"Why not, Scott? I don't mind that you're a dick."
"Because I hate you! I hope you get cancer, and I hope your cancer gets AIDS, and then your AIDS and your cancer have sex, and have mutant babies, and then you'll have to give birth to the mutant babies, and raise them as your own!"
"Mutant babies?? That's not very nice, Scott."
"It IS nice, now go die!" screamed Scott, shoving Phillip's hand away and slamming the door in his face. He was about to ascend his stairs when the doorbell began another series of sharp rings. Scott just stared at the door, planning the demise of the creature he knew stood behind it. The ringing eventually ceased, and an unfamiliar voice called for him,
"Hello? Scott? It's the Kroff dinner man! Here to provide you with delightful Kroff dinner." Scott tried hard to suppress the excitement at the thought of Kraft dinner. He knew it was too good to be true, but hope drove him back across his living room. He opened the door and found Phillip still standing there, holding a comically fake moustache to the area where his lips should be. Scott wanted to cry.
"I said die, Phillip."
"I'm sorry sir, I don't know what you're talking aboot..."
"Okay, fine! Come in if you want, Phillip, just make sure you don't stand anywhere that isn't in the tank of man-eating alligators."
"Thanks, Scott! Maybe you're not such a dick afterall." said Phillip gleefully as he threw his fauxstache in to the bushes.
"Yeah, whatever, I'm gonna go call the police." Scott moved away from the door and stormed off in to an adjacent room. Phillip stepped over the threshold and glanced at his surroundings. The tank of man-eating alligators did look very exciting, but Phillip thought it would be best to search through Scott's drawers first.
Scott reached for his telephone and mashed at the keypad with his hand.
"Hello? Police?"
"...no, I'm not trying to frame Terrance...it's Phillip this time!"
"It is TOO different..."
"No, I am NOT a dick!"
"No, you're a dick!"
"YOU'RE a dick!"
"You're a-guh! I hate you all!" Scott slammed the phone back down on its cradle and walked back in to his living room, cursing everyone and everything as he went. As he entered he noticed that, much to his dismay, Phillip was not in the tank of man-eating alligators. Instead, he was sprawled out on the couch, wearing nothing but sunglasses and Y-fronts.
"HEY!"
"Hey what, Scott?" Phillip questioned, raising the sunglasses on to his forehead.
"I said the alligator tank! Not the couch! What are you-are you wearing my underwear??"
"It sure looks that way, Scott."
"OUT!" shouted Scott. He rolled up a nearby newspaper and stomped over to Phillip, then proceeded to smack him repeatedly over the head with it.
"Sure Scott, let's go out, your house sucks anyway." Phillip chirped, seemingly not at all fazed by the attack. Scott stopped hitting him and threw the paper angrily against the wall.
"No! You're stupid, and immature, and really, really stupid! Get out of my house!"
"But I'll have nowhere to go!"
"I don't care!" Phillip looked down and began a long, drawn out sigh.
"Oh, if only Terrance wasn't being such a smelly bastard..."
"I don't care about your relationship problems! Get out of my house, get out of my house now, or I'll chainsaw your face!" Phillip ignored the threat and curled up on the couch, slowly sobbing,
"Oh, how I miss him...."
"I'm going to get the chainsaw now, and I am going to use it on your face!"
"Oh, if only he knew how much I-" Phillip's tragic lament was cut short by the doorbell. He leapt up and ran for the door, instantly forgetting his woes.
"Oooh, perhaps it's the Kroff dinner man again!" he squealed as he threw the door open. His lower face flap nearly fell to the floor as he saw not the Kraft dinner man, but Terrance standing there, looking decidedly miserable.
"Terrance! W-what are you doing here?" Phillip gasped, fanning himself with his stump.
"Oh, Phillip! I'm so sorry! It's so lonely without you, I farted and nobody was there to laugh with me...oh, it was such a good fart too..."
"Oh, Terrance, I'm sorry too! I was cruel and heartless! You're not ugly at all, why you're the most-" Phillip was cut off yet again, this time by Terrance's face flaps moving against his own.
"Terrance...are you...kissing me?" he managed between gapes.
"I think so..." panted Terrance, before resuming his passionate assault.
"But...you don't have any lips!" Terrance waved it off.
"Oh well, just run with it." They continued this for a good twenty minutes, pausing only when necessary to breathe or avoid Scott's chainsaw.
"I love you, Phillip, let's go home and have sex!"
"Great idea Terrance, I love you too!" And with that they pranced away in to the night. Scott closed his door and turned off the chainsaw,
"I hate them. I hate them so, so much."
After a good few hours of Canadian make-up sex, Terrance and Phillip lay in bed quietly, enjoying the occasional fart and each other's company. Terrance gave a loud yawn and patted the head that rested on his chest,
"Well we sure learned something today, didn't we, Phillip?"
"We sure did, Terrance."
"We learned that Scott's a dick, there is no Kroff dinner man, and more importantly, that we're not gay." Phillip's face fell,
"But we...we just...and then..."
"What's wrong, Phillip?" He shook his head and shrugged,
"Bah! Let's hunt for treasure!"
"What a brilliant idea, Phillip, let's!"
...and so they did.
Oh ho ho. Terrance and Phillip are the best ever.
Feel free to flame/review! Unless it's just to ask 'Why??' because unfortunately, I really don't know.