Evanesce
Season: 7
Category: Drama, H/C
Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Rating: R
Spoilers: Lifeboat, Fallen, Meridian, The Curse
Warnings: Non-graphic slash
Disclaimer: The Stargate universe and its inhabitants are the sole property of MGM et al. I don't own them. I just like to play with them.
Author's note: This story is the fuzzy, furry offspring of an adopted plot bunny: Daniel is starting to forget things. His memory returned after Vis Uban, but suddenly things aren't as clear as they had been. What's happening to him? Can it be stopped? What if it can't?
Tag for Lifeboat. Daniel is losing his barely returned memory.
XxXxXxXx
The insistent bleating of the alarm woke Jack from a perfectly pleasant dream and he reached an arm toward the annoying contraption, fingers wandering across the collection of buttons looking for the one that would make it stop. Stretching in the darkness he tossed back the blankets, reaching out to jostle Daniel as he did.
"Come on, Daniel, rise and shine."
"Mmng." Came the reply muffled by a pillow.
"Let's go. We've got to get a move on so we don't…acht," Jack groused to himself as he turned on the light bathing their once dark room in the combined glare of two 75 watt bulbs. "So we don't run into traffic."
"Jack, it's Saturday." Daniel complained, unearthing himself from his pillow so his comment could be heard clearly.
"Yep." Jack replied cheerfully.
"And it's…04:30." He added squinting at the clock. "What are you doing?"
"Going to take a shower. Come on, get up."
"Why?"
"Fine. You can ride in your boxers if you want. I don't really care. It'll certainly make things at the Waffle House that much more interesting."
"Jack, what are you talking about? Never mind. You can tell me later." Daniel said letting his head drop dramatically back to his pillow.
"The truck is leaving at 05:30 whether you're dressed or not." Jack replied cheerfully as he strode into the bathroom.
"Leaving for where?" Daniel mumbled.
Jack paused in the door and turned around to scowl back at him. Daniel had forgotten, as hard as it was to believe. Especially since the entire trip had been his idea in the first place.
"You do know what day it is?" Jack asked.
"Saturday." Daniel groaned.
"And you do remember what you wanted to do on Saturday?"
"Uh huh. Sleep."
Jack continued to stare at him, puzzling over the fact that the trip Daniel had been excited about just three days earlier had apparently completely slipped his mind. Somewhere in Jack's a little warning light went on.
He had learned long ago to expect the unexpected where Daniel was concerned. Never mind his tendency to randomly decide to zig when everyone else zagged. Or the fact that sometimes he felt an uncontrollable urge to run headlong into disaster in order to rescue someone else. Every now and then with practically no warning at all something in the universe would reach out and give Daniel's life a good hard shake. Every time that happened things came a little unraveled. After years of having Daniel in his life Jack had developed a sort of sixth sense; a little warning light in the back of his mind that suddenly snapped on when something was wrong. He wouldn't necessarily know what and he wouldn't necessarily know why, but the notion that something was off would start to glow. Over the years he had learned not to ignore it so the fact that on that particular morning something had suddenly started glowing didn't escape his attention.
Something was up.
Jack walked back over to the bed and grabbed one of Daniel's ankles through the blankets giving it a gentle shake.
"Hey. Did you forget or do you just not want to go?" He asked.
"Forget what?" Daniel mumbled. An extended period of silence from Jack finally brought his head up from the pillow. "What?"
"Cabin. Three blissful days of peace and quiet with no phone, no TV, no way to get in touch with us even if the planet is about to implode. Me fishing. You reading. Any of this ringing a bell?"
"Uh, no." Daniel frowned back at him. "When did you tell me?"
"I didn't. It was your idea."
"It was?"
"Uh, yeah."
"I, uh…I guess I must have forgotten." Daniel admitted, a confused scowl wrinkling his face.
"Or something." Jack replied. "You sure you're ok?"
"Jack, don't start." Daniel moaned. "I'm fine."
"Ok." He nodded. "Then you pack. I'm going to hit the shower."
He wandered back into the bathroom, but the conversation was far from forgotten. It had been just over a week since the wild little man from Talthus had hijacked Daniel's body to use as a Tupperware container for his friends. They had finally gotten the whole thing straightened out, but not without shaking Jack up a little in the process, something he would rather have his tongue cut out than admit to anyone out loud. So sue him, he was a little paranoid where Daniel was concerned. Forget the fact that they'd just gotten him back from the dead six months ago. And that Jack had just gotten him back in his life a little over three months ago. And that he wasn't even remotely comfortable with the idea that Daniel was really going to stay; that he wasn't going to be snatched away from them again without warning. A dozen…count them, 12…of the little crazy man's friends had been hanging out in Daniel's body for the better part of the day wrestling control out of each others' hands like a bunch of kids arguing over the controls to a video game. As far as he had been able to tell from watching the completely disturbing scene, all the typical punches, slaps, name calling, and threats had been included in the competition. All the while wonderfully comforting phrases like "won't survive" and "can't be reversed" were tossed casually around the room. One more time they had apparently pulled off the impossible with Daniel supposedly suffering nothing worse than a two-day migraine. Still, Jack was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Somehow it seemed they had gotten off a little too easy, not that Daniel wasn't due.
Jack had been trying to be inconspicuous about keeping an eye on him since then, but apparently he had failed in the attempt because Daniel had that tone in his voice that said if one more person asked him how he was feeling he was going to lose it.
One wouldn't think a relatively even tempered archaeologist could throw a full out tantrum, but Jack knew better. When Daniel was mad, as in supremely ticked off, he could launch into a full lunged tirade like nobody's business, half the time complete with things being swept off his desk and onto the floor or picked up and thrown outright across the room. He never aimed at anybody, but heaven help you if you picked that moment to come strolling into the room. It didn't happen often because you really had to push him to get him that upset, but it did happen. It helped if he was in pain at the same time you were pushing buttons. A bad headache and a shove in the right direction and Daniel went from heavy sighing to yelling, stomping, and throwing.
Content to let the subject lie for the time being, Jack focused on showering in record time. Despite whatever impending catastrophe was brewing on the horizon there were fish calling his name. No shaving. Coffee could wait. He just wanted to hit the road and forget that he knew anything about Cheyenne Mountain for the next three days.
Hours later Jack was settled in a chair smiling pleasantly out at the lake, his fishing line in a body of water that may or may not have actually contained fish. He hadn't asked. The cabin was a little over a mile away, tucked back in the woods near Crystal Creek. No electricity, a kitchen that was barely worth mentioning, and a creaky old queen bed all crammed into a single room. In short, it was perfect. No one knew where they were. Jack had left his cell phone at home. He'd made Daniel promise not to even consider turning his on. They were taking a much needed break at Daniel's insistence even if he could no longer remember making the request.
Jack couldn't really blame him for wanting a few days of peace. True, he said he didn't really remember anything about the Talthians jostling about in his head, but the thought of twelve people yammering nonstop in the confines of a person's skull for nearly a full day certainly warranted a few days of peace and quiet. Jack suspected that maybe somewhere inside a part of Daniel had registered the invasion whether he could recall it or not. Since Daniel was rarely interested in visiting rustic cabins during his time off the suggestion had come as a bit of a shock to Jack, but he had hardly needed to have his arm twisted to agree. No missions. No bad guys. Nothing more annoying than the occasional loud mouthed owl hooting into the darkness.
Sinking down into the chair and resting his hat over his face Jack settled in for a blissful afternoon of doing absolutely nothing.
XxXxXxXx
Jack was standing in Daniel's office casually taking in the surroundings and fiddling with one of the small Egyptian statues that littered the shelves among the dusty books and magazines. They were waiting for Carter to show up so they could head up to the commissary for lunch, but she was taking her time. She wasn't as prone to losing track of time as Daniel, but it happened. Jack suspected it was part of some secret scientist code. If you didn't display a single-minded ability to get lost in a project at least once a month you had your hall pass revoked, library card decommissioned or something equally horrific. She finally sauntered into the office just as Jack was starting to toss the small statue in the air like a baseball.
"Better be careful with that, Sir." She warned, glancing from the object he was casually throwing into the air to Daniel and back again, no doubt wondering why he wasn't complaining, himself. "Jonas paid almost $300 for that on eBay."
"For this?" Jack asked as it settled back in his palm.
"Who?" Daniel asked casually, his attention still on his computer.
"Jonas." Carter repeated. "That's the one he bought you as a welcome home present, isn't it?"
Daniel glanced over at the small object in Jack's hand, inspecting it for a moment.
"Actually, I'm not sure where that came from." He admitted with a shrug. "You're probably right. Must have been Jones."
"Jonas." Carter corrected, the smile sliding from her face.
Once again the little light that had been growing steadily dimmer over the past week was glowing a bright amber in Jack's head.
"You do remember Jonas, right?" Jack asked, setting the statue back on the shelf where it belonged.
"Uh, no, not really." Daniel said absently, his eyes back on his computer screen. "Should I?" The dead silence he got in response finally attracted his attention. "What?"
"Ok, tell me you remember Kelowna." Jack replied, a knot beginning to form in the pit of his stomach.
"I remember Kelowna." Daniel admitted. "Pretty hard to forget that."
"Not for lack of trying." Jack muttered.
"But you don't remember Jonas?" Carter asked.
"No." Daniel shrugged. "Who is he?"
"Oh I don't know, just the guy you spent a week with on the planet, not to mention serving as your replacement while you were gone." Jack answered.
"You went on your first mission after Vis Uban with him." Carter added. "Aboard Anubis' ship."
"I remember the ship…and the mission, but…" Daniel's face once again folded into a confused scowl as he apparently searching his mind for any trace of Jonas.
The fact that he didn't come up with anything even loosely resembling an "ah ha" moment cinched the knot in Jack's stomach a little tighter.
"Come on." He said, motioning him up from the chair.
"What?"
"We're going to see Frasier."
"Because I forgot Jonas?" Daniel gaped.
"Yep."
"Jack." Daniel protested.
"I think I have to agree with the Colonel." Carter added. "A few weeks ago you knew exactly who he was."
"I did?"
"You did. Come on." Jack repeated, Daniel reluctantly getting up from his chair.
Jack marched him through the halls with a hand on his shoulder, Carter following behind. He definitely did not like where this was going. A last minute vacation was one thing, but forgetting people? Jack spent the short trip lost in his own thoughts and as a result had no idea exactly when Daniel's confusion had turned to indignation, but the attitude hit him square in the face the moment they arrived in the infirmary.
"What's going on, Colonel?" Frasier asked as she greeted the small party.
"Daniel's having problems."
"What kind of problems?"
"Forgetting things."
"Jack." Daniel warned trying to jerk his shoulder away from Jack's grip.
"Well you are." He countered.
"Do you mind if I handle this myself?" He snapped.
"Be my guest." Jack replied.
"They think I'm forgetting things." Daniel said with obvious annoyance.
"Like?" Janet asked.
"Like somebody named Jonas." He replied.
Jack watched as Janet's mildly skeptical expression instantly hardened to concern and she flicked a glance to Carter who nodded back at her.
"Can't remember as in…?" Frasier asked.
"Can't remember." Daniel shrugged.
"Is it just Jonas?"
"I think so." Daniel replied. "Though I guess if I've forgotten anyone else I wouldn't be the best person to ask."
"Right." Janet nodded.
"Let's not forget the cabin." Jack chimed in.
"Cabin?"
"Jack." Daniel groused.
"He planned a weekend in the woods and then forgot he'd ever had the idea." Jack continued despite the protest "And he hasn't exactly been helpful with the crossword puzzles over the past week."
Daniel folded his arms across his chest and dropped his chin toward the floor releasing a heavy sigh.
"Ok, I'll take it from here." Frasier stated in response to Daniel's obviously annoyed posture, shooing Jack and Carter from the room.
"Any idea what's causing it, Sir?" Carter asked quietly as they wandered toward the commissary.
"Not yet, but Frasier will figure it out." He said with a little more conviction than he felt.
XxXxXxXx
Daniel sat on a gurney lazily swinging his legs uncertain what to make of the whole situation. It was disturbing that he was apparently not remembering things…or rather, people…but he wasn't quite sure how dire the situation was. It was a guy he hardly know who was intimately connected to an event in his life he would really rather forget. Maybe it wasn't such a terrible thing.
He was willing to admit that Jack probably had a reason to be concerned, even if he was being a bit too forceful with the mother hen routine. But personally Daniel would have been much more upset by the whole thing if he had suddenly found himself staring at a page of goa'uld or Ancient without any idea what it said. So far he wasn't having trouble remembering anything that mattered.
"How have you been feeling lately, Daniel?" Janet asked, resting a hand on his knee.
"Fine." He shrugged. "Normal."
The concerned look on her face was doing nothing to reassure him. He'd been sitting there long enough to get bored and definitely long enough for her to have read his CT results. The fact that she was apparently not reassured by them made him suddenly anxious.
"Any headaches? Dizziness?"
"No. Why?"
"Well, at this point I'm not really sure. I'd like to rule a few things out first."
"Janet?" He asked, holding her gaze for a moment.
They'd been through a lot together over the years. True, he didn't remember all of it, but he remembered how to read her reactions. If she was reluctant to tell him what was going on it was generally not good news. Apparently Jack was well within his rights to be worried.
"Come here." Janet finally said, motioning him off the gurney and walking him over to a computer.
After a few seconds of punching keys and a mouse click or three Daniel could see the obvious outline of a brain within a skull on the screen, but he had no idea what else he was supposed to be seeing.
"This is a picture of your head the day after the Talthians removed their people." She said.
"Ok."
"This is the scan I took 20 minutes ago." She said, after another few mouse clicks. "See these shadows?" She said, pointing out a handful of small dark spots on his brain. "These weren't there two weeks ago."
"What are they?"
"At this point I'm not sure." She admitted. "It could be intracranial bleeding it could be lesions caused by the trauma of whatever the Talthians' equipment did to you. I don't know yet. Unfortunately we don't know much about the Talthian equipment or the effect it has on the brain. These could be what they consider normal side effects. It's also possible that it's completely unrelated, though the timing is a bit suspect."
There wasn't a single thing in her entire explanation that made him feel any better. In fact, the more she spoke the more anxious he became. Intracranial bleeding? Lesions? This was not good. He wasn't officially scared yet, but he was certainly getting there.
"I'm going to send these out to a few brain trauma specialists and get a second opinion." She said. "In the meantime, you don't necessarily have to stay on base, but I want you in here every morning for a CT scan so I can see if things are still progressing. It's possible the damage is done and this is as far as it goes."
"And if it's not?" He asked, looking down at her anxiously.
"Then we'll figure out what it is and find a way to stop it." She said determinedly. "Until then if you have any headaches or dizziness I want you back here on the double."
He nodded, scowling at the picture.
"Try not to worry. This could be nothing." She offered.
"Doesn't exactly look like nothing." He said quietly.
XxXxXxXx
Daniel wandered into the infirmary at 08:00 the following morning after a very long night. He had put off giving an explanation to Jack the previous day for as long as he could, but Jack had a way with wheedling. By 17:00 he'd had all he could stand and finally admitted what Janet had told him. Bleeding at best, possibly lesions, she really had no idea. The news had stunned Sam to silence, gotten a deeply troubled scowl from Teal'c and launched Jack into a tirade about inconsiderate aliens and the universe's general lack of manners. It was the inevitable tirade that had kept Daniel quiet for so long.
The diagnosis coming only months after he'd settled back into his body had struck a bit too close to home where he was concerned and he could tell by the reactions on his friends' faces that they felt the same. They'd all been through this before and it hadn't ended well. Still, he tried to remind himself that this wasn't necessarily the same. He'd been up to his eyeballs in trouble before and Janet had managed to find a way to rescue him numerous times. This wasn't necessarily Kelowna all over again no matter how it felt.
He was still doing his best to convince himself of that when the sky showed the first tentative hints of sunrise at 05:00, but despite his efforts, sometime during the sleepless night his anxiety over the whole situation had mutated into outright fear. He was officially scared. He wasn't sure he had reason to be, but it was there nonetheless.
When he arrived on base that morning a member of the infirmary staff led him back to the CT scanner and Daniel climbed up on the table the way he had countless times before. The machine slid him through its large hoop up to his shoulders and then slowly slid him right back out and he was done. All that was left to do was wait. Thankfully Janet hadn't seen fit to confine him to the infirmary for observation so he headed for his office craving something to put the entire situation out of his mind for a few hours.
And coffee. He definitely needed coffee.
XxXxXxXx
Janet sat in her office scowling at the latest pictures of Daniel's head and sighing to herself. She had seen a lot of very odd things in her time as CMO of the Base, but just when she thought she had truly seen it all something else came along and changed her mind.
She had sent out copies of the first few days of CT scans to several brain trauma specialists, but security clearance made explaining how the injury had occurred pretty close to impossible. There just wasn't anything on earth that could serve as a reasonable proxy for having the consciousness of 12 people downloaded into your brain so she couldn't even fake a believable scenario. Without an explanation of the injury the doctors had been giving opinions based on absolutely nothing at all, much to her and their frustration. They had come to the same conclusion she had and basically that had left her at square one with bleeding or incredibly fast growing tumors. The idea of lesions had been tossed aside after the second day. The spots were still growing so obviously it wasn't just scar tissue. The absence of headaches only made the whole thing that much more confusing.
The answer had finally occurred to her on day five thanks to Daniel.
He didn't have much of a sense of family for obvious reasons. Nevertheless, apparently his growing concern over the situation (not to mention still regaining a few bits and pieces of his memory from before his death) had inspired a desire to reconnect to what family he had left. As a result he had contacted the institution that his grandfather had called home for so many years only to be told Nicholas was no longer there. According to the Colonel, Daniel had been incredibly upset by the news. O'Neill had told him where Nicholas was, but the information didn't seem to have settled him much.
It was then that Janet had an epiphany. Something about him forgetting what had happened to his grandfather had triggered an idea. What if the spots on his brain weren't tumors or bleeding? What if they were somehow related to the memory loss that goes with alzheimers? Not something leaking or swelling in his brain, but signs of deterioration. It wasn't exactly good news since there was no known cure for such a thing, but at least it meant she wouldn't have to perform exploratory brain surgery on him to finally get her answer.
As far as she was concerned it also supported her theory that it was the Talthians' contraption that had caused it. Little by little sections of his gray matter were dying and she was hypothesizing that the increased synaptic activity from having far too many people in his brain was the cause, having essentially fried sections of it. His memory loss was due to those sections dying at an alarming rate, the damage spreading to the surrounding tissue creating a domino effect.
Janet glanced up from the file to see Daniel come walking into the infirmary. For his part he was trying to put on a brave face, but the apprehension she had been seeing those first few days had officially hardened into obvious fear after the news about Nicholas. Since then he'd been tense, jumpy, and pensive.
"Come on, Daniel." She said greeting him outside her office. "Let's get this over with so you can get out of here."
XxXxXxXx
Jack was sitting in the den attempting to read the sports page, but his head just wasn't in it. He was too occupied with thoughts of Daniel and the steaming pile of universal excrement he'd just stepped in. They had barely gotten him back and things were spiraling out of control already. It had been two weeks since the revelation that he had no idea who Jonas was and Frasier wasn't any closer to coming up with an answer than she had been. She was still tossing out theories, but he had yet to hear anything resembling a solution.
Finally giving up the attempt, he put down the paper and went in search of Daniel. He'd been quiet lately, disturbingly quiet and that was never a good sign. Of course, with the realization that lapses in his memory now extended to things he would rather not forget the whole thing was a lot more distressing that it had been in the beginning. At least to Daniel. For Jack's part he was just seeing the appearance of an attitude he'd been reluctantly anticipating from the first day.
The whole thing was a nightmare in motion and Jack was supremely unhappy to find himself in a position of once again watching Daniel deteriorate and not being able to do a damn thing about it. It was entirely too familiar and he was hating every minute of it. At the same time it wasn't his head that was suddenly springing leaks so he had cut off his tirades about it after the first night. Daniel didn't need his anger, he needed his support.
Jack strode through the house to find him rummaging through boxes in the garage, a small landscape of them surrounding him. He didn't need to ask to know what was going on because he could tell by looking at them that the boxes in question held the contents of Daniel's past in its entirety. After all, Jack had helped pack them in the first place. Everything that had survived the purge after his death was in those boxes. He took it as testament to Daniel's level of emotional turmoil that he was burrowing through them because he never did that. Ever. In all the years Jack had known him he'd never seen him show any interest in looking through scrap books, photo albums, yearbooks, nothing. In fact, he had never understood why Daniel had kept the stuff in the first place since he wasn't exactly known for nostalgia. He kept a photo or two on his desk, but the majority of his past had always remained tucked away in corners, banished and pointedly ignored. His past was his past and he preferred to leave it that way or at least he had until now.
"Looking for something?" Jack asked, Daniel's back to him.
Daniel turned toward him and showed him the framed certificate he had in his hands. Not just any certificate, but his Doctoral diploma. "Couldn't remember where I got this." He mumbled quietly. "I was thinking maybe New York."
"Chicago." Jack supplied.
"Yeah." Daniel said, pointing to the name of the city on the certificate.
He lapsed back to silence, studying the frame, Jack close enough to see a hint of the scowl on his face.
"How did you know that?" Daniel eventually asked.
"Kinda came up when Sarah was taken as a host." He shrugged.
"Sarah?" Daniel asked.
"Yeah…Gardner I think. Ex girlfriend of yours, or so the story goes."
Daniel continued staring at the frame, but Jack could tell by the sudden tension in his body that something had changed in the last few seconds.
"What?" He asked softly.
"I don't remember her." Daniel admitted.
"Do you remember Osiris?" Jack swallowed the cold ball of dread that was trying to climb up from his stomach and choke off his air.
"Tall woman with long, curly, blonde hair?" Daniel offered tentatively.
"Yeah." Jack nodded more than a little relieved. "That's Sarah."
Daniel nodded, the muscles in his jaw flexing as he clenched his teeth. Jack squeezed his shoulder and guided him around in a small circle in order to see his face before pulling him into a hug. It came as no surprise that Daniel wouldn't meet his eyes. Arms around him Jack didn't bother trying to find words to go with the scenario. He'd worn out the "Janet will come up with something" speech so there was really nothing left to say.
Daniel held him tightly, gripping handfuls of his shirt in his fists, his chin rested on Jack's shoulder. It wasn't bad enough that he was losing his memory one little chunk at a time, but the whole situation was stomping all over Daniel's fear that like his grandfather he would one day lose his mind. Jack knew there were visions of him shuffling through the halls of a broken down mental institution, muttering to himself and drooling down his chin dancing around in Daniel's head without him having to say a word. It was something he had kept buried down deep inside in the recesses of some catacomb where he kept all the other things he never talked about until the little Machello leech thing had happened. When Frasier had seen fit to send him to a psych ward the fear had been unearthed, dusted off, polished up, and set in a place of prominence in Daniel's mind, taunting him. It wasn't entirely rational since Nicholas wasn't anything even close to a babbling idiot, but then not all fears were rational.
Daniel's most precious possession was his brain. He had learned very young that his intelligence was the only thing standing between him and the oblivion of being just another nameless, faceless, unwanted kid. He had no doubt taken a lot of crap over the years because of it, but as far as he was concerned it was the only thing about him that was worth anything. Every major event in his life seemed to have only reinforced the concept. As a kid more than one teacher had taken a shine to him because of it, granting him at least minimal attention. With their help he'd graduated high school at 16 and been freed from the trauma of foster care because of it. He'd gotten a full scholarship most of the way through college because of it. He'd gotten a spot in one of the most sought after graduate programs in the country because of it. He'd gotten the attention of Catherine Langford because of it. He'd landed a job at the SGC rescuing him from homelessness and the mind numbing oblivion of community college teaching because of it.
Without his brain he saw himself sharing his grandfather's fate; forgotten and alone in some institution somewhere because from his point of view nothing else about Daniel Jackson was worth noting. It was a dismal picture and not even remotely connected to reality. Jack would never let that happen and besides, as far as he was concerned there was a hell of a lot more to Daniel than his brain. Still, he didn't need to hear speeches about how when he was empty headed and wearing diapers Jack would still want him. It was true, but not exactly inspirational.
So with nothing to say Jack simply held him, rubbing his back, rocking him gently where they stood until Daniel had his fill of affection and released his grip. Turning back to the boxes he put the framed diploma back in its place and Jack helped him pack his past away again. Apparently they were done reminiscing for the time being.
XxXxXxXx
Daniel woke in the darkness, eyes suddenly open. Throwing back the blankets he climbed out of bed and padded out into the hall. He had no idea where he was going he just needed to put some distance between himself and the dream. Wandering aimlessly through the house he found himself in the den and settled on the couch without bothering to turn on the lights. There was nothing he wanted to see.
The remnants of the dream pulled at him, the aching disappointment and despair roaming around in his head. He'd been a child in it, one inhabiting a man's body, but that hadn't seemed particularly odd to anyone.
"Is it ok if I lost you?" he had asked the woman in his dream that had supposedly been his mother, but had looked more like June Cleaver.
She hadn't answered him, but the look on her face had been unmistakable. It most certainly was not ok and she was disappointed in him for even asking.
"I'm sorry, but I forgot where I put you." He had admitted, little boys' tears running down his face.
It had been three weeks since the onset of his latest catastrophe and he was starting to think he would lose his mind long before the final remnants of his intellect went swirling down the drain. He seemed to forget something new every day. He hardly had time to adjust to each new void before another struck. In the beginning he was accidently tripping over things he'd lost: the trip, Jonas, Nick, Sarah. He had no idea they were missing until someone happened to point it out. Lately it was different. He knew he should remember things, but couldn't, like where he'd gotten his doctorate, where his friend Robert Rothman had gone, the names that went with a handful of the cultures he'd studied. Something would trigger a thought and he would go looking for the information only to find it was no longer there. It seemed to be happening all the time and each new blank space was like mourning a loss. He'd had just about all he could take.
The latest had been his parents. He could still recall bits and pieces of them; the handful of memories he'd been carrying around since he was a kid, but suddenly he couldn't remember how the story ended. They had died. He was sure of that much…or at least pretty sure…but he had no idea how, where, or exactly when.
The realization that his memory loss had finally touched the tightly woven bundle that he held more dear than all the others had struck two days before. He hadn't told Jack. He couldn't bring himself to talk about it. He remembered so little about his parents that every single detail was precious, and apparently he was losing that bundle one bit at a time. He was losing them one bit at a time.
He didn't want to think any more. It was too heartbreaking hitting new black holes in his head. He didn't want to sleep because he wasn't even remotely interesting in dreaming either. What he needed was a way to shut off his brain. Inspiration struck and Daniel bounced up from the couch and strode determinedly into the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator he grabbed a beer then padded into the living room and turned on the television. At 02:00 there was guaranteed to be nothing on, but infomercials and bad movies. However, he didn't care. He just needed something to distract him until the beer buzz reached up and shut off his head. He didn't want to be able to string two thoughts together for a few hours so the nightmare he was living would seem a bit less traumatic. At least this time when his brain refused to cooperate it would be his choice.
XxXxXxXx
Jack turned over in bed and reached across a surprisingly uninhabited section of the mattress. Daniel was missing which meant he was awake. Jack checked the clock. At 02:45 Daniel shouldn't have been either of those things. He crawled out of bed already knowing the reason for Daniel's absence even if he didn't know the details. He'd been different the past two days. He'd been quiet and pensive off and on for weeks, but lately he was quieter, the scowl on his face wavering between fundamentally disturbed and annoyed. Something had changed, but so far he hadn't been in the mood to say what.
The house was dark and silent as he stepped out into the hall. Padding along the carpet he picked up on a quiet murmuring and following the sound to the living room. The lighting flickered and shifted with the picture on the television screen where an old episode of Star Trek was playing, acting out a scene for the man sleeping in what looked like a very uncomfortable position in one of the recliners. For whatever reason he hadn't seen fit to actually recline the chair. Instead he had thrown a leg over one of the arms and slid down in the seat, sleeping in a heap with his chin to his chest.
Jack scowled at the scene uncertain what to make of it. Daniel had wandered into the living room in the middle of the night to watch Star Trek…a show he had absolutely no interest in…and was determined to be supremely uncomfortable while he did it? The beer bottle settled between his legs had Jack's eyebrows creeping up his forehead. He had come into the living room to watch Star Trek and drink beer? There was nothing about the scenario that made any sense at all.
"Daniel." He whispered before realizing there was really no need. "Daniel." He said a bit more loudly, not that the reaction was any different. "Hey, up and at 'em." He gave Daniel's shoulder a gentle shove.
The man came awake a little at a time, dazed and obviously disoriented. "What's going on?" He croaked.
"I was going to ask you the same thing." Jack replied.
"What time is it?"
"I think we should stick with the original question." Jack replied. "What's going on?"
"Oh, uh, I guess I, uh, fell asleep." Daniel said, sitting up in the chair wincing at stiff muscles.
"That's a start." Jack nodded. "What's with the TV?"
"Couldn't sleep."
Jack mentally amended that to something more closely aligned with the truth: didn't want to sleep.
"And the beer?" He asked, reaching over and grabbing the empty bottle from between his legs.
Daniel merely shrugged. Jack looked back at him, taking in as many details as he could in the dim light, not to mention half groggy state of mind. He looked distinctly unhappy, but Jack couldn't make out anything more than that.
"What?" Jack finally asked.
Daniel shook his head in response, his gaze drifting to the floor, not that it had exactly been pinned on Jack before that.
"Don't want to talk about it? Don't know how to talk about it? Too buzzed to remember what it was in the first place?" Jack volunteered.
Daniel gave a snort. "No, I remember." He nodded.
"Ok, so would you like to share?" Jack asked, still trying to decide whether he should be concerned or merely annoyed.
"My parents died when I was a kid…I think…I mean, I remember foster care so it makes sense that I was a kid, right?"
"Yeah." Jack replied, drawing out the word.
"And you know how they died, right?"
"Yeah." He repeated with a sudden sense of foreboding.
He knew what was coming. The light in the back of his head had gone from a steady glow to an insistent flashing. Heaven help him he knew what was coming.
"Good, then you can tell me because I don't." Daniel stated in something between depression and aggravation with that little smile of his that had absolutely nothing to do with humor; the official warning sign that he was a hair away from coming apart at the seams. "I don't have a clue. In fact, I don't even remember where it happened."
Jack's stomach hit the floor. Now he understood the change in Daniel's mood. His parents were a very touchy subject, something he played incredibly close to the vest. Considering how they had died and that he had been standing there watching when it had happened he hardly found that surprising. But losing even that horrific memory was still a blow below the belt. The concept that it might not be the last detail about them that would vaporize without warning was enough to rock the foundation of Daniel's world more than a little. He never talked about them, but they lived and breathed inside him just the same.
"I'm sorry, Daniel." Jack said quietly, resting a hand on his shoulder.
"It's ok. You don't need to be sorry." Daniel shrugged the hand off and slowly pushed himself to his feet. "I suppose I should be glad. I guess. I don't know. I don't really know anything right now."
"Why don't you come back to bed?" Jack offered, finding it incredibly difficult to gauge his mood because it was bouncing all over the place.
The only thing he could clearly decipher was anger as it bobbed along the surface of a sea of jumbled emotions, the inconsistency added by the alcohol in his system.
"No, I think I'd rather just take a walk…clear my head." He said decisively.
"Daniel, it's the middle of the night."
"Right. I should probably get dressed. Good idea." He added almost cheerfully.
Daniel changed direction and headed for the bedroom, Jack following in his wake formulating a plan to get him to collapse on the bed long enough for the minimal buzz still rolling through him to put him back to sleep. He watched as Daniel stepped into a pair of sweats and stuffed his feet into a pair of shoes.
"Daniel."
"I shouldn't be gone long."
"Daniel."
"I'll take my cell." He added.
"Daniel."
"And I should probably take a jacket."
"Daniel will you stop."
"What?" He asked, instantly annoyed.
Annoyed Daniel could be a bit hard to handle at times. Annoyed and buzzed Daniel was almost like trying to anticipate the movements of a fruit fly. He was literally all over the place and there was very little logic involved.
"It's three o'clock in the morning."
"So?"
"So don't you think it would be a better idea to wait until the sun's up?"
"I jog in the dark all the time."
"Not at three o'clock in the morning and not with a buzz on. Come on. Let's go back to bed. We can talk about this later."
"You can go back to bed. I'm going for a walk." Daniel insisted, heading for the bedroom door.
Fortunately for Jack he was closer. Planting himself in the opening he stood, arms folded across his chest.
"Jack."
"You're not thinking clearly and I'm not about to let you just walk out the door."
"Jack." Daniel repeated, finally meeting Jack's gaze with a warning expression on his face and a pile of desperation in his glare.
"This isn't going to help." He offered quietly.
"Apparently nothing's going to help. Will you please move?"
"No."
"Don't make me do this."
"You really think you can take me?" Jack replied with a smug expression.
"I'm not kidding."
"Neither am I."
"Fine." Daniel said through clenched teeth before grabbing Jack by the shoulders and attempting to heft him out of the way.
Jack bent his knees, braced himself and pushed back, the end result being that he stayed almost exactly where he was despite Daniel's best effort. Daniel released his hold and tried the same maneuver from a couple of different directions, but with the same result. Jack knew Teal'c had been teaching him how to fight. Over the years he had developed into a very decent sparing partner, but at the moment he was trying to be nice about it, holding back, and Jack was determined to take full advantage of it.
Daniel took a step back to regroup, glaring at him, and Jack saw his chance. Moving quickly enough to take him by surprise Jack lunged at him, wrapped his arms around Daniel's stomach, trapping one of his arms in the process, and shoved him back toward the bed. Unable to get his balance Daniel stumbled backwards and landed on his back on the mattress, Jack falling with him and pinning him with his body.
"Enough, ok?" Jack replied, inches from his face.
"Get off me, Jack." Daniel growled.
"No, because when I do you're going to try to leave."
"I mean it."
"Not happening." Jack shook his head.
"Get off me!" Daniel roared, anger fueling his movements as he hooked one of Jack's legs with his own, swept it sideways to disrupt Jack's balance and then rolled that direction.
The fact that they both landed in a heap on the floor didn't seem to matter. Finally free of Jack's hold, even if just for an instant, Daniel began shoving and kneeing his way out of the restraining arms, drawing the line just short of kicking. Jack was well aware that if Daniel hadn't been pulling punches he would have been bleeding by then. Grabbing at his retreating legs Jack managed to snag an ankle and held on, Daniel stumbling and catching himself against the wall near the door.
"Daniel, I don't want to hurt you." Jack warned from where he lay sprawled on the floor, one hand locked around Daniel's ankle. "And I'm really hoping you don't want to hurt me. So let's just stop this before it gets out of hand."
Daniel stood panting before finally collapsing back against the open bedroom door, his head rested against it as he stared at the ceiling. For a long moment there was nothing, but the sound of the two of them gasping for air.
"I don't know what I'm doing, Jack." He finally said.
"I gathered that." Jack replied.
"I can't take this and I can't make it stop."
"Frasier's still…"
"Looking." Daniel interrupted. "I know and so far she's found nothing."
Daniel dropped his chin and pressed his fists into his eyes. "I'm sorry." He said miserably.
"Hey, it'll take a lot more than that to hurt me." Jack assured him, finally releasing his ankle.
Daniel uncovered his face and looked down at him, smiling despite the tears shimmering in his eyes. "Big talk for a guy who's sprawled on the floor."
"I was letting you win." Jack replied. "Speaking of which, are you going to help me up or what?"
Daniel reach out his hand and helped heft Jack back up off the floor. Once on his feet Jack took the opportunity to pull him into his arms.
"We're going to fix this, Daniel." He said.
"That's a nice thought."
"I'm serious. I've had enough of this waiting around. Tomorrow we're going to get Hammond's permission to take you wherever we sent those Talthus guys and they're going to undo this."
"How?" Daniel asked, pulling himself out of Jack's grip.
"Don't know. Not really my thing, but they broke it, they're going to fix it."
"They can't replace what's already gone, you know."
"No, I don't know." Jack informed him. "And neither do you." He added gently, a hand on his face wishing he had the ability to caress the misery from his expression. "We've tried Frasier's way. Now we're going to try mine."
"You do know that threatening them won't suddenly produce something they don't have." Daniel warned, uncharacteristically reluctant to except Jack's offered optimism.
"Well, I was planning to start by asking nicely." Jack said. "Wasn't thinking of breaking out the threats until after lunch."
Daniel gave him a half hearted smile.
"Come on. Let's get some sleep. We can take it up with Hammond."
XxXxXxXx
"What exactly is his condition?" Hammond asked, settled in the chair behind his desk, his sense of foreboding having grown steadily over the past week.
He knew Daniel was suffering progressive memory loss, but the reality of it had finally struck him when the usually eloquent man with a mind like a steel trap had stood in front of the room two days earlier and delivered a briefing that had relied almost entirely on notes. Hammond had never in his life seen Dr. Jackson deliver anything from pre-written notes. His knowledge of and passion for the topic made them completely unnecessary. Or at least it had before now.
"His memory is continuing to deteriorate, Sir." Doctor Frasier replied from where she sat. "From what I've been able to tell sections of his brain are dying. My guess is from the trauma of having it overloaded by the Talthians, but there is really no way to know for sure."
"Any idea how to stop it?"
"No, Sir." She admitted, sadly. "But the rate of damage appears to be increasing as time goes by."
"Colonel O'Neill has suggested that Doctor Jackson be taken to the planet where the Talthians were relocated to see if they can help."
"That's probably the best option at this point. I'm concerned that whatever they try could do more damage, but at the same time I'm afraid it's Daniel's only chance."
"Understood, Doctor." Hammond nodded.
"With your permission, I'd like to accompany them to the planet so I can continue to monitor his symptoms."
"I'll inform Colonel O'Neill."
"Thank you, Sir.
XxXxXxXx
Jack and his now five person team sat around a large, ornate table settled in a section of Hammuri's small collection of tents. Being the only remaining sovereign of the people of New Ardena he apparently claimed the rights to a majority of the supplies. Jack had only been in the room with the guy for five minutes and he couldn't stand him already. However, for Daniel's sake he was willing to pretend they were old golfing buddies as long as it got them what they needed. In the back of his mind he was wondering what had happened to the other loud mouthed sovereign, Martice, but didn't care enough to actually ask the question.
"It would be our pleasure to assist you if we have the ability." Hammuri said. "After all, it was your efforts that led us to these adequate, if not entirely suitable accommodations." He flicked a hand toward the entrance of the tent. "We will be most willing to allow you to negotiate for whatever you require."
"Negotiate?" Jack repeated, deciding that old golfing buddies was going to be too much of a stretch.
"Surely you did not assume we would just give you what you want." The man scoffed. "We have very little to spare."
Jack spent a brief moment attempting to find a diplomatic way of pointing out that without his team's help they would have all been dead. The fact that he couldn't think of one didn't stop him from making a comment.
"And surely you don't assume that we actually owe you something for saving your people when your ship crash landed in the middle of nowhere."
"Sir, if I may." Carter interrupted, snagging Jack's attention long enough for him to register the varying degrees of dismay in the expressions of his team.
"Knock yourself out." He said with obvious annoyance as he folded his arms across his chest.
"All we ask is that you let us speak to either Tryan or Pherrin to see if what we are asking is even possible." Carter said. "If you have what we need perhaps we can consider making a deal."
"You will speak to no one without my permission." Hammuri stated, standing up from his chair and glaring openly at Jack.
"Of course." Carter replied.
"Nor will you make any arrangements with any of my people without my consent."
"Of course."
"As the only sovereign I have many responsibilities. I cannot be bothered to know the whereabouts of my subjects." He added, looking a little less indignant. "You will tell Malton what you require." He motioned to a man that had been standing silently near the door throughout the entire conversation. "He will summon whomever you wish, but you will remain here."
Jack groused silently to himself. Obviously Hummari was determined to be difficult simply because he could. Having his throng of loyal followers and official ego-strokers reduced to only a couple hundred people apparently made him cranky. Jack watched as he turned on his heel and strode from the room without another word.
The silent man approached the group and introduced himself as Malton, servant to the sovereign. Jack would have thought the official assistant to the only ruler in the community would have been dragging around his own baggie of ego, but Malton only looked tired and worn. Apparently Hummari was no stranger to throwing tantrums.
"What is it you require?" Malton asked.
"We need you to reverse what Pherrin did to Daniel when he downloaded a bunch of people into his head." Jack said, resting a hand on Daniel's shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I do not understand."
"I think what we need is to talk to someone that understands how the system that stores a person's consciousness on the Stromos works." Carter said.
"I'm afraid that is not possible."
"Why?" Jack demanded.
"There were only two that clearly understood the systems and how to program them." He admitted. "Pherrin was our chief engineer. The other is Tryan, engineer third rank."
"What happened to Pherrin?" Daniel asked, obviously noting the past tense in the man's explanation.
"He still lives, though he is not as he once was."
"What about Tryan?" Frasier asked.
"He also lives, as one of the Sacrificed."
"The 'sacrificed'?" Jack asked.
"Those that were without bodies after the Stromos crashed."
"Can we see him?" Janet asked.
"It is difficult to explain." Malton scowled. "I will bring them to you." He finally nodded.
"Them?"
"The Sacrificed."
"Actually, we only need…" Carter began.
"Thank you. That would be great." Jack interrupted, waiting until Malton had left the room before turning to the rest of the group. "We can stand here all day talking about it or we can just get on with it." Jack pointed out. "If Tryan is hanging out in one of these sacrificed people then we might as well talk to both of them. Maybe one of the other…people…knows something that could help."
Jack had honestly been expecting two, maybe three people, so when Malton returned with a whole herd of them he was more than a little confused.
"These are the Sacrificed?" Jack asked.
"Yes."
"Ok, the last time we saw them there was only one."
"This is true. However, after Pherrin fell ill we realized keeping them contained in one body would doom all host bodies to the same fate." He explained, using a term that made Jack twitch. "The strain was simply too great."
"So you found a way to separate them." Janet said, her tone hopeful.
"Not entirely." Malton admitted.
"I don't understand." She replied.
"That makes two of us." Jack added.
"Perhaps I can explain." One of the group offered, a teenage boy stepping forward. "When it was clear Pherrin was ill it was decided to remove all those he had taken into his own body. However, transferring them to someone else would only recreate the problem. So it was decided that only a certain amount of the consciousness could be safely kept in one body for any length of time. We each volunteered to become hosts and the sacrificed were spread out among us."
"So how did you separate the individuals?" Frasier asked.
"We did not." the boy said simply.
"Ok then how does this work?" Carter asked.
"We each carry certain amounts of the consciousnesses of the Sacrificed." He replied. "The limits were set by volume rather than individuals. It was the only way to make the transference safely without risking the host or losing the Sacrificed."
"So if we wanted to speak to Tryan?" Carter asked.
"I am here." A woman stepped forward. "And here." A man stepped forward. "And here" Another man came forward.
Jack stood gaping at the scene, his face worked into a deep scowl and confusion reigning supreme in his head. He had absolutely no idea what they were trying to say.
"So Tryan isn't just in one person." Frasier concluded. "Bits of him are in each of you?"
"That is correct, Doctor Frasier." The woman replied. "It is good to see you again." She smiled, Frasier struggling to return the gesture. "Each of us that sacrificed reside in varying amounts in these bodies. The only consciousness that remains whole is the one that is organic to the body."
"What about Pherrin?" She asked. "Did he end up somewhere?"
"He is here with the other Sacrificed that reside in my body though he speaks little." Another man replied.
"He also resides with me." Another of the volunteers admitted "But I too have found that he speaks little and when he does…his mind was damaged before the transference. He is not what he once was."
For a moment Jack stood marveling at the concept of being split in pieces scattered over several different bodies and having control of none of them. Gladly shoving the thought aside he tried to redirect the conversation.
"Does anyone other than you three know how the ship works?" He asked.
Several members of the group glanced around, but no one else came forward.
"How about the technology behind the transferring of consciousnesses?" Carter added.
Still no new volunteers.
"Ok, then I think you three are the only ones we need." Jack said.
"What would you have me do?" The woman asked as the rest of the group filed back out of the tent.
"We think Daniel is suffering side effects of having too great a strain on his mind for too long." Frasier explained. "We need to know if you can reverse it."
"We cannot."
"Just like that?" Jack gaped.
"An inability to reverse the damage is why Officer Pherrin's body died." She said sadly. "We removed the Sacrificed from him, but we could not fix what had been done."
"There has to be a way." Frasier insisted.
"Maybe you can explain how the system works." Carter suggested.
It was at that point that Jack started to tune out the conversation. Teal'c was already continually scanning the exits for signs of danger and Jack did the same determinedly avoiding the topic of what he was going to do if they really couldn't find a way to stop what was happening to Daniel.
He spared a glance at the reason for the entire conversation to see a determined scowl painted on his face as he stared across the room at one of the tent flaps. The scowl deepened and then in a flash was gone, swept off his face along with every other trace of emotion. Jack knew that expression. It was the hallmark of Daniel having been pushed entirely too far. The shutters had slammed down and he had gone off somewhere to hide, regroup, find a way to piece himself back together.
"Doc." Jack interrupted before casting a warning glance toward Daniel.
One thing he liked about Frasier, she was never slow on the uptake. A brief inspection of the way Daniel was standing, the odd way he panted for air, the blank expression on his face and she was immediately in action.
"Is there a place where he can lie down for a minute?" She asked, all eyes on the archaeologist who was suddenly a lot more pale than he had been.
"Daniel?" Carter called, immediately recognizing the expression on his face having seen it a time or two herself. "What happened?"
"I don't know." Jack admitted.
"You may use my quarters." Malton volunteered.
"Carter, you and Teal'c stay here and keep digging." Jack ordered as he slowly ushered Daniel out of the room, a hand on the small of his back.
XxXxXxXx
Jack was glad to be back in familiar territory where there was only one brain per body, but he was not thrilled that it was the infirmary. Nor was he happy about the fact that they had been there for well over two hours and Daniel had yet to utter a word.
The three of them had started out in Malton's quarters…a flimsy little tent with his own cot and that was about it. A far cry from the accommodations of the Grand High Poobah of the bunch; a guy who seemed to think that his five spacious tents and fancy furniture constituted roughing it. It was a complaint he was leaving the good citizens of New Ardena to make because he had issues of his own. An hour at Malton's place with Daniel staring off into space, not exactly non-responsive just…silent…and Frasier had been concerned enough to cart him back to the base. He'd fallen into a fitful sleep not long after, no doubt exhausted from night after night of fitful sleep for the past month or so. Jack had wanted him released to a VIP room where he could at least have some privacy for his nervous breakdown, but she had insisted he stay in her domain in case whatever this was turned out to be something other than emotional overload. So they had compromised and she had put him in a small isolation room.
They had rules, Daniel and he. No touchy feely anything anywhere on base or off world. When they were on duty they were purely platonic except in cases of dire emergency. Daniel wasn't aware of it yet, but Jack had just declared a state of dire emergency. Their room had no observation room, no security cameras, and a door that could be locked. Still, despite the privacy Jack was only willing to push the boundaries so far. There was no way he was going to climb up on the gurney with Daniel no matter how badly he wanted to. That would have to wait for later. Instead, he settled for holding his hand, placing a kiss on his knuckles now and then, and staring into his face, willing him to wake up. Jack needed to know he was ok, at least for the time being. He also wanted to know what had sent him running for cover in the first place. Something had set him off, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out what.
Eventually, inevitably, eyelids began to flutter and Jack found himself looking briefly into a familiar pair of blue eyes before Daniel's gaze slid away from him. It was not exactly a relief, nor was it much of a surprise, to see the emergence of Hurting Daniel from the traumatized silence.
"You alright?" Jack asked quietly, stroking his face.
"Where are we?" He replied, sidestepping the question.
"Infirmary."
"How did I get here?" he asked, obviously disturbed by the change of scenery.
"You kinda checked out on the planet. Frasier and I brought you back."
"Right." Daniel nodded, Jack moderately encouraged by the fact that he seemed to remember. "Should you be…uh…doing that on base?" Daniel asked in response to the hand gently cupping his face.
"Yep." He said simply.
"Ok." His tone making it obvious that he didn't understand, but didn't care either.
"You gonna tell me about it?"
"About what?"
"About what happened?"
"It's nothing." He mumbled.
"Because you always call a full retreat over nothing." Jack nodded. "I know that look, Daniel. That was not 'nothing'."
"The tent." Daniel finally answered.
"What about it?"
"I lived somewhere in a tent once."
"You lived a lot of places in a tent." Jack replied quietly. "How many digs have you been on in your lifetime? Including the ones as a kid."
"18." Daniel said instantly, the response taking Jack completely by surprise.
He hadn't actually been expecting an answer. Certainly not one that came off the top of his head like that.
"See. Lots of tents."
"There was sand. Lots of sand and a pyramid. I should be able to remember." Daniel stated angrily. "It was a planet, Jack."
"Abydos." Jack supplied quietly.
"It doesn't sound familiar." Daniel admitted after a long moment of silence.
"Trust me."
Daniel nodded and Jack watched as the distant, detached, blank expression crept back over his face.
"Aht. Don't check out on me again." Jack urged. "If you keep this up Frasier's going to want to start running tests and we both know how much you love those."
"I'm losing it, Jack. All of it and I don't know how to make it stop."
"I know." Jack returned to stroking his cheek. "Give it time. Carter's still working with the Tryan…people."
"I don't remember what happened to her." Daniel admitted quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Carter?"
"Shau'ri." He said. "I remember it ended. Something happened. I just don't know what. I was standing in that tent and suddenly I wanted to see her; needed to see her and I couldn't remember why she wasn't there. I don't even remember why I left her planet."
"Why don't we talk about it later?"
"Why?"
"Because I doubt it will make you feel any better." Jack sighed.
"Why?" Daniel asked, his gaze finally reconnecting.
Jack sat looking back at him unable to make himself say the words. He knew how hard it had been for Daniel to come to terms with her death the first time…and the second time. He wasn't even remotely interested in repeating a conversation that was getting very old. The notion that something in the universe seemed determined to force Daniel to keep reliving that pain was thoroughly pissing him off.
"She died." Daniel stated, Jack nodding back at him.
Daniel reached up and yanked off his glasses in anger before covering his face with one arm. Jack could see his jaw working as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. He considered pointing out that with some of his worst memories evaporating from his brain it might lead to fewer nightmares in the long run, but decided that probably wouldn't help. If he tried hard enough to dig for them he was sure he could come up with a couple of positives in the bubbling pot of negatives, but Daniel wasn't ready for silver lining speeches just yet. Instead Jack settled for lightly gripping Daniel's arm where it lay covering his face, stroking the skin with his thumb.
"By the time this is over I won't remember anything at all." Daniel said miserably. "Maybe it's just as well."
"I'll remind you." Jack replied quietly around the ache that had taken up residence in his heart.
Daniel lowered his arm just enough to peer at Jack over the top of it, his eyes red and his expression somewhere between terrified and hopelessly lost.
"I know at least half the secrets in your closet and damn near every detail of every catastrophe you've ever been tangled up in." Jack informed him. "Hell, I was there for most of them. When we get this figured out…when," he emphasized "anything you're still missing I've probably got."
Daniel stared back at him in silence, emotions ghosting across his face, his expression twitching and shifting as they jockeyed for control.
"Don't worry about what you're losing, Daniel. When this is over we can spend a very disturbing day going through your bests and worsts and filling in the blanks." Jack assured him before leaning over and placing a kiss on his forehead. "Trust me, half this stuff you're going to be sorry I told you."
Daniel gave him a watery smile and rolled toward him on the gurney, clinging to Jack's hand with both of his.
"We'll get you through this." Jack assured him briefly stroking his hair. "Just like we always do…well, usually do."
"Stop." Daniel said quietly. "Before you ruin my confidence."
"Ok, like we always do as long as Oma's not involved."
"Jack."
"No, I'm done." Jack said, holding up his free hand in surrender, relieved when Daniel twitched him a smile. "Pretty sure."
"Truly inspirational." Daniel quipped.
"Took a class in that during basic."
"You should get your money back."
"I don't know. I thought it worked on a certain level."
"Might have gone better if I'd still been asleep."
"Maybe, but then I wouldn't get the critiquing at the end and you know how I live for feedback. And may I remind you," He interrupted as Daniel opened his mouth to reply "feedback and smartass comments are not the same thing."
XxXxXxXx
Jack was smiling reassuringly at Daniel who was once again standing in a stasis chamber on the Stromos, looking nearly as apprehensive as Jack felt. After hours of discussion among the quartet of scientific minds Carter had stumbled over a tiny detail about the mechanics of the chambers that laid the answer right in her lap. Apparently part of the process included the brain being repaired during the course of remapping the personality back into a body. As it turned out brain deterioration was a typical side effect of the cryogenic process and was the reason for removing the consciousness in the first place, or some such nonsense. Jack had stood listening to the details understanding a little less than half of what was being said. The gist of it was that they didn't have to rewire or reprogram anything. They just needed to stuff Daniel in the pod and turn the sucker on letting it run its cycle from beginning to end.
Of course, Hammuri hadn't been willing to let them use the device free of charge even if it was running thanks to power from their naquadah reactor. He owned the rights so he was demanding a hefty fee to use it. The days of handing out reactors to every Tom, Dick, and Henrietta Alien were long gone thanks to budget constraints and the fact that naquadah was a very limited resource. However, Carter had managed to trade the possible repair of Daniel's brain for one of the little suckers with Hammond's permission. If the truth be told they probably would have paid a lot more, but Hammuri was hardly aware of that.
Jack watched with trepidation as one of Tryan's hosts lowered the halo of wiring onto Daniel's head. All they had to do was have the machine suck Daniel out of his body and then spit him right back in and voila, problem solved, or so they hoped. For his part Jack wasn't at all sure it was going to go as smoothly as they had said. Especially since the first time around this merry-go-round the thing hadn't made much in the way of repairs. Tryan assured him that it was because they hadn't remapped anything back into Daniel's mind, they had only removed the clutter so the repair part of the process had never happened.
Watching as Daniel's eyes slid closed and the glass door settled in place he sincerely hoped Tryan was right.
XxXxXxXx
Jack was sitting in the dimly lit conference room slowly folding the top sheet of his briefing report into an intricately designed airplane. For Jack folding airplanes took as much time and concentration as some people used on origami. It was no idle, haphazard routine, neither was the unspoken threat that the miniature aircraft would be launched across the room upon completion unless the briefing ended before then. Making no effort to hide his actions, he was certain Daniel had a clear view of his progress from where he stood at the front of the room pointing at slides and rambling on about artifacts that would no doubt lead them to more artifacts on the next planet on their rotation. Now and then he would refer to his notes when a word escaped him, but that was once again becoming a rare occurrence.
Their trip to the Stromos to rewire Daniel's head had been a success as far as they could tell. Two hours in the chamber and he had emerged with a head splitting migraine and all of his memory lapses still in place. Tryan had warned them about both. The migraine was a typical side effect and the device could only remap what it had access to in the first place. Whatever Daniel had been able to remember when the procedure had started was now settled back in place. The details that had already faded away were unfortunately gone forever. But Jack had been true to his word and spent a handful of thoroughly disturbing conversations filling in details when Daniel requested them.
It had been several weeks and daily CT scans had dwindled to every other day, then to weekly and finally to the point they were at now where he was on the same schedule as everyone else; a scan after each mission for security reasons. So far nothing had shown up to indicate that they were about to start the whole thing all over again; no shadows, not oddly placed dots, nothing. Frasier was certain enough that he was out of danger to have stopped the scanning and testing and Jack was willing to take her word for it until he had a reason not to.
For the time being things were back to normal. Jack smiled to himself as he launched his completed airplane across the room, Daniel snatching it from the air in mid flight and continuing his briefing without missing a beat. Realizing that his blatant hint had been ignored, Jack began folding page two.