Legend of Zelda: Big Brother House
Intro – I got the idea for this after reading one online with the cast of Inu-Yasha (for those of you who want to read it, Google "The Fluffy Mag" and click on the little box at the middle-right side that says "Big Buttocks" ).
Seeing as this is based off of a reality tv series, this fanfic's going to be handled a bit differently. If there is a character that you want to have voted off, participate in my poll. I'll try to keep updating the polls per "week" (this fanfic won't follow real weeks. It might take me a few days to submit an entry), but as I've never used the polls feature before, I don't know how well it'll work. Give me some time though. :)
You get two votes per poll/week. If I don't get any (or very few) votes, I'll fill in the results myself. In general though, I shall listen to you (ha ha ha!)
If the polls aren't working, you can post your choices in the Review section. Put both choices in the same post though, to keep things less confusing
Lastly, legal stuff: No, I don't own Legend of Zelda (if I did, do you honestly think I'd be spending my time writing fan fiction about it?) I definitely don't own Big Brother House. I don't own the version of Big Brother House that I linked too (and if the person who does own it is reading this, please, please, please, finish it, okay?)
Final warnings: I might inadvertently give spoilers for various LOZ games, such as Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and Twilight Princess. So if you haven't beaten the game yet and are bothered by spoilers, ye have been warned…
And without further ado, let us begin!
Cast Members
Link – Hero of Time and wielder of the Triforce of Courage. Rescues Princess Zelda and fights evil a whole lot. Doesn't really talk much.
Princess Zelda – Princess of Hyrule and wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom. Has a tendency to get kidnapped, but she also has sweet magic and archery skills.
Ganondorf – King of the Gerudos, wielder of the Triforce of Power, and the main villain in the Legend of Zelda. Spends his time trying to steal the other two Triforce parts, kidnap Zelda, or enslave Hyrule. Is always thwarted by Link.
Navi – An annoying fairy companion of Link, mostly known for her irritating phrases such as "Hello?" "Look!" or "Listen!" Kind of the Tinkerbelle to Link's Peter Pan.
Malon – A farm girl who shows up in most Legend of Zelda games. Pretty spunky and great with horses.
Midna – The ruler of the Twilight Realm. A little imp-like creature with many strange powers.
Zant – The crazy usurper of the Twilight Realm throne. Doesn't really care for Midna or Link (as both foiled his evil schemes).
Majora – Formerly a god worshiped by a now extinct civilization. Previously inhabited a mask, but was thrown from that by Link. Now is just a shadowy monster.
Vaati – A wind sorcerer from the future. He could be considered second only to Ganondorf, villainy-wise.
Week 1, Monday
10:00 A.M.
The thoroughly confused cast is herded into the house by Big Brother security. They enter the living room and are immediately told to sit on the sofas and chairs to await further instructions. The security has just left the room when a voice booms seemingly from nowhere.
"This is Big Brother! Welcome to Big Brother's House!"
All of the cast jumps at this and Zant completely freaks out. "My lord Ganondorf!" he shrieks. "This house is possessed by a demon!"
"You idiot, there's no demon here," snaps Vaati. "The voice is coming out of that box". Sure enough, there is a speaker hanging near the ceiling.
Zant proceeds to fly up and stare at it in fascination. "You mean the demon's inside of that little box? Wow, it must be limber!"
"Get back in your seat!" says the voice. "I am not a demon. I am Big Brother and for the next few weeks I will be supervising you all. Now you probably were all given the rules when you signed up – "
"Hang on a minute!" interrupts Majora. "I didn't sign up for anything!"
"Yeah," agrees Malon, "I don't remember signing up either. I do remember having a funny-smelling cloth clamped over my mouth and nose, but then I – "
"Enough of that," says Big Brother quickly. "The point is that to make sure you are all up to date, I will give you a reminder of the rules before you are stripped down."
"'Stripped down'?" asks Midna warily.
"More on that later," says Big Brother. "Now then, here are the rules: You all will spend the next few weeks living together in this house. You will be given various tasks to complete. Rewards and punishments will be given based on performance. You will also be given supplies such as groceries and toiletries to help you with the household chores, which you will divide amongst yourselves. You can decide on that later. Every day there will be Confession Camera, during which you will enter the Confession Room and speak into the camera. There will also be regular cameras in the other rooms, monitoring you."
"If there are cameras everywhere, why do we have to go into a specific room for confessions?" asks Zelda.
Big Brother hushes her and continues. "Every Wednesday, you will each nominate two evictees during Confession Cam. At the end of the day, votes will be tallied and the one with the most votes is evicted. The last person in the house is the winner. Any questions?"
Navi raises her hand. "What is the prize for winning, exactly?"
"Prizes may include five thousand dollars cash – or rupees, whichever is preferred – weapons upgrades, a Nintendo "party for ten fun pack", an expense-free trip to the Florida Keyes, ten thousand dollars worth of Gaia Cash, and gift certificates to Max and Irma's, the Cheesecake Factory, Best Buy, Carmike Cinemas, and iTunes," Big Brother rattles off.
There is some murmuring amongst the cast, including "Wow!" or "What's the 'Cheesecake Factory'?" Ganondorf however jumps to his feet. "Just one moment!" he roars. "When I agreed to come here, I was assured that the prize would be complete and utter dominance of a kingdom of our choice."
"Look again," says Big Brother. "If you do, you'll see that your contract states that the kingdom offer falls under the category of 'Prizes may or may not include'". Ganondorf promptly pulls out his copy of the contract and puts on a small pair of reading glasses. He inspects the document, curses the fine print, and mutters direly about speaking to his lawyer on this.
10:30 A.M.
Having been debriefed, Big Brother tells them that they will now be "stripped down". It turns out not to be as bad as it sounds. Because of various lawsuit factors, the producers of Big Brother have demanded that the entire cast be stripped of any weapons on them before they start the show. Several Big Brother employees tell the cast to line up and remove their weapons when it is their turn.
10:40 A.M.
The stripping process is not going very well, mainly due to a large amount of lack of cooperation from Zant and Ganondorf, the latter still furious at being tricked with the contract.
"Why should I give you my trident?" he snaps at the employee trying to remove his weapons. "It is the feared Trident of Azeltheirz, carved from the bones of the demon Moragiz and forged in the fires of the volcano that birthed the dreaded dragon Trigoro."
"Sir, it clearly states in the contract that you must remove all weapons prior to entry," says the employee with an astonishing amount of patience. Ganondorf glares but much to the surprise of the others, hands over the Trident. Zelda mentally wonders if she could have prevented Ganondorf's many invasions by tricking him into signing a contract.
Ganondorf blanches and backs up as the employee approaches him with a sinister-looking device that looks like a three-pronged miniature spatula. "What is that?" he asks. He is told that the device has been designed specifically to remove Triforce pieces from bodies (Viewers are reminded that the "Hyrule Vantage Professional Triforce Removal Kit is available through the Big Brother website). Ganondorf looks ready to flee, but is reminded of the contract. He screws up his face, holds out his left hand, and resigns himself to fate.
Zant, meanwhile, seems loathe to part with his twin swords and blaster and nearly has to be wrestled to the ground for the employees to remove it. As he was so uncooperative, Big Brother orders the harassed employees to remove Zant's armor as well. "What?" he wails. "You…you can't! My armor…my…my soul…NOOOO!" he bursts out sobbing.
"Oh shut up and don't be such a baby," snaps Midna, who is bored and wants things to move along. Zant continues to cry and Midna finally rolls her eyes, mutters something in Twili, and snaps her fingers. Zant's armor cracks like a walnut and falls off. The Big Brother employees gather it up while Zant begins to cry anew.
10:45 A.M.
Navi and Majora are both checked but neither has any weapons and the process is fairly quick for them. It is only stalled by Majora, who seems to find the final "no weapons" verdict as some kind of a personal insult. "What have you got against people with no weapons? Huh? Huh? HUH?" he asks the employees aggressively. "Just because I DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN' BODY doesn't mean you can go on about me NOT BEING ABLE TO CARRY POSSESSIONS!" Big Brother orders him to step aside so that someone else can have a turn or else he'll be punished. "Punished? Hah! How can you punish someone WITHOUT A BODY?" laughs Majora. Nonetheless, he moves aside.
Vaati has a silver sword, several silver boomerangs, and a magic hat taken off of him.
Ganondorf, meanwhile, has had the Triforce of Power removed and has stumbled over to the sofa, cradling his left hand and looking stunned. Despite the fact that the process was quick and nowhere near probing, he feels dirty and weirdly violated.
10:47 A.M.
Zelda and Link have their turn. Zelda willingly hands over her bow and arrow set, takes off the glove on her left hand, and has her Triforce of Wisdom removed. Though she doesn't put on quite as much of a show as Ganondorf did, she too feels very icky after.
Link removes the Master Sword and Hylian shield, both of which he hands to his employee. "Anything else?" the employee asks. Link removes his bow and quiver full of arrows and hands them over. "Anything else?" Link reaches into his pocket, removes his Deku Slingshot and nuts, and hands them over. "Anything else?"
10:50 A.M.
Malon has been "stripped" and has handed over her bow and arrows. She walks off, glad that she is not possessed by any mystical objects from the Goddesses.
Link is still being "stripped" of his weaponry. He pulls out his Bomb Bag, Hammer, Kokiri Sword (which he mainly uses as a dagger and keeps for nostalgic value), Deku Shield, Mirror Shield and the Biggoron's Sword, all of which he hands over to the employee. "Anything else?" he is asked.
10:52 A.M.
Link removes his boomerang, Nayru's Love, Din's Fire, Faore's Wind, Ice Wand, Fire Wand, Pegasus Boots, Candle, Spell Books, Magic Rings, Sticks, Deku Nuts, Scales, Crystals, Gauntlets, and Goron Bracelets. "Anything else?" the amazed employee asks. Link begins to remove and hand over the various bottles containing elixirs, fairies, Poes, and bugs. The employee breaks the last one, which unfortunately contains a bee that Link carried to distract enemies.
10:56 A.M.
Link, Midna, and the other employees scramble to capture the bee. The escapade ends when Malon jumps up, grabs the confiscated Hammer, and wallops the bee with it. She returns the hammer and sits back down as Link is once more asked "Anything else" by the poor employee (now with bee stings). Link removes several medallions, pendants, and the Phantom Hourglass and adds them to the now very large pile before nodding at the employee and allowing the Triforce of Courage to be removed from his hand.
Midna, meanwhile, has had the Fused Shields she carries removed from her (barring the helmet, which she insisted that she needed. As all three pieces were needed to actually cause damage, Big Brother allowed her to keep it). "Anything else?" asked her employee. "Just this," she said sweetly, handing him a pure black rock. The employee takes it and turns into a baboon.
11:00 A.M.
Pandemonium ensues as the terrified employee-turned-baboon crashes around the living room in panic. The other employees shout and scramble around madly, which does nothing to calm the baboon.
"Turn him back!" Malon screams as the baboon jumps on the sofa and races down it, crawling over her lap in the process. Big Brother agrees and threatens to force Midna to clean the mold from under the refrigerator if she does not do so at once. Midna sighs, snaps her fingers, and the baboon turns back into the employee. The baboon was hanging from the ceiling light, so it falls off of the ceiling under the sudden weight of the employee.
11:10 A.M.
The piece of concentrated Twilight has been confiscated from Midna and stored carefully. The ceiling light has been taken away and Big Brother makes plans to have it replaced (he nastily implies to be choosing an "Anti-Twili" brand). The former baboon employee is given the rest of the day off and the promise of a pay raise. "Whatever it is, it probably won't be enough," comments Navi.
Lunch is provided by Big Brother, in the form of sandwiches (ham and cheese, baloney, peanut butter and grape jelly, and a special "horseradish and pickle" variety), potato chips, and soda. The cast enjoys their meal, which Big Brother assures them is only arranged especially because it is the first day (and a hectic one at that). He assures them that from now on, they will be expected to take care of their own cooking and chores, which they are to divvy up after lunch.
11:45 A.M.
Lunch having been devoured (Zant apparently enjoyed the horseradish and pickle sandwiches immensely), the cast set about forming a chart for their daily chores. This causes a great deal of trouble. Having been brought up as a princess, Zelda does not know how to do any chores. Navi's too small for the heavy lifting needed for taking out the garbage and Majora can't lift anything at all (as he has no body, a fact that he sobs on about the entire time). Also, the fact that Link won't talk but communicates through various grunts and pointing complicates matters somewhat (and causes Ganondorf to nastily call him the "Caveman of Time" behind Link's back).
Finally, a chart of sorts is cobbled together:
Monday – Cooking (Malon), Garbage (Zant), Bed making/room tidying (Ganondorf), Dusting (Navi)
Tuesday – Cooking (Zelda), Garbage (Link), Bed making/room tidying (Vaati), Dusting (Midna)
Wednesday – Cooking (Zant), Garbage (Malon), Bed making/room tidying (Zelda), Dusting (Majora)
Thursday – Cooking (Link), Garbage (Vaati), Bed making/room tidying (Malon), Dusting (Majora)
Friday - Cooking (Vaati), Garbage (Ganondorf), Bed making/room tidying (Midna), Dusting (Majora)
Though no one is fully satisfied, they all decide that it is close enough. Job done, they pin the chart to the wall and go off to relax until dinner.
1:00 P.M.
Big Brother calls the cast together for their first Confession Cam.
"But we haven't done anything yet," points out Zelda. Big Brother replies that it doesn't matter. They just need to talk about how they feel about all that's happened so far and what they hope for the future. One by one, the cast is called into the broom closet that is the Confession Cam room.
CONFESSION CAMERA
Malon – So far this is looking pretty easy. Most of the other cast members seem pretty wussy. I mean, Majora can't even pick stuff up! And he used to be a god…
Zelda – Well, I'm certainly looking forward to this! The whole thing sounds like so much fun. And of course, I'm excited to get to know the other cast members better.
Ganondorf – I can NOT believe I was tricked like that. URGH! That stupid contract! When I take over Hyrule, contractors and lawyers are the first to go!
Link – Ya! Ya! Hyyyyyaaaa!!! (It would appear that Link's apparent speech impediment will be making Confession Cam sessions fairly difficult. The Big Brother employees are currently formulating a plan for Link to participate in Confession Cam via sign language).
Midna – Heh heh, light dwellers are so funny. What? The baboon thing was just a joke. Sheesh, any idiot should be careful when handling concentrated Twilight. Honestly people…
Navi – Hey! Listen! I know it looks like I'm at a size and weight disadvantage here, but I WILL DO MY BEST! Just you wait and see!
Zant – This is soooo freaky…I really do think that this "Big Brother" guy is a demon. I know my lord Ganondorf doesn't think so, but then he also didn't think Link could stop the Twilight either and look at that…
Vaati – I honestly cannot believe I even bothered to travel back in time to participate with these morons. I really think I can win this thing single-handedly, I really do.
Majora – HA! They thought they could keep me from doing chores JUST BECAUSE I'M INSUBSTANTIAL! HAH! I always pull my weight. EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE WEIGHT TO PULL! Augh… (breaks off sobbing)
3:00 P.M.
Not much activity is taking place as the cast lounge around the house. Zelda, Link, and Malon watch stupid cartoons on the TV. Ironically, The Legend of Zelda cartoon series is on, much to Link's fascination. Zelda wonders if she really is such a harpish shrew and Malon is annoyed that her character was not included in the series. Navi is nowhere to be found, as she seems to hate the character of Sprite ("stupid, talentless child fairy actress…")
Ganondorf is seen in the bedroom working on some form of secret project. Little can be found out about it though, as every time a camera gets close, he gives it the Evil Eye.
5:00 P.M
Dinner is served early, courtesy of Malon. As she has only ever had experience with Cuccos and cows, the meal consists of roasted chicken, fresh cheese, and milk. Zant takes one bite and quickly teleports to the bathroom, where he vomits loudly. Malon is insulted until Midna explains that it's not the cook, just that Zant is physically unable to digest anything so wholesome or healthy. The rest of the cast seems to enjoy the meal and Malon blushes and looks pleased when Link goes for thirds.
8:00 P.M.
After cleaning up the remains of dinner and watching some evening TV, the cast decides to turn in. Big Brother bids them good night and assures them that the real tests will begin tomorrow. ("May the Goddesses help us," mutters Zelda.)
The cast chose whose beds are whose and they go through the even rituals of showering and teeth brushing. They all wish each other pleasant dreams and fall asleep, prepared for the next day.
10:00 P.M.
Camera 6c detects the motion of a shadowy object flying in a perfect arc across the room, followed by a thud and a snort. Apparently Ganondorf's larger-than-average nose means that he snores rather loudly and Malon, unable to stand it anymore, has tossed one of her shoes at him