The compound of the MASH 4077th was cold and desolate. Well, almost. Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Captain BJ Honeycut, Corporal Walter "Radar" O'Reilly, Colonel Sherman Potter, Major Frank Burns, and Major Margaret Houlihan were standing there, looking like they'd rather be back in their tents.
Margaret: Are you sure this is where the note said to be?
Rader: Yes ma'm.
Magaret: Good, because if you're wrong...
Me: (walks in) Brrrrrrr!
Hawkeye: You said it!
Frank: Hey! Who are you?
Me: The author.
Frank: Of what?
BJ: The note! Duh!
Me: (nods, teeth chattering) Le-let's get inside before you guys turn into armysicles!
(all of us walk inside the Swamp)
Cnl. Potter: So, what's this all about?
Hawkeye: Yeah, spare me the suspense. We were standing out there for about, (checks his watch) well, enough time for my watch to freeze.
Me: Okay. You guys are going to perform one of the greatest plays of all time!
BJ: West Side Story?
Hawkeye: Is that even written yet?
Me: Yes, but that's not it.
Margaret: Well what is it?
Me: Here, let me show you the costumes. (hands Frank a sea captain style hat, gives Radar a French flag, and throws Margaret a torn skirt.)
Radar: Umm... I don't get it.
Me: Les Miserables!
Hawkeye: Isn't that the book about the French Revolution that's thicker than War and Peace?
Me: Yes, but we're not doing that version. We are doing the version that is a three-hour long play.
Frank: Which sounds so much better.
Me: Yes, it is!
Minutes later, everyone was gathered in the officers club, where a stage had been set up.
Me: Alright, here are the parts.
Klinger: Hoo, boy.
Me: Colonel Potter, you are Jean Valjean.
Cnl. Potter: Who's he?
Me: The good guy.
Cnl. Potter: Phew
Me: Frank
Frank: Major Burns!
Me: Okay Major Churns, you'll be Javert.
Frank: Ummmm...
Me: He's a police officer who's... well, he's a stick-in-the-mud.
Hawkeye: Well, how about that!
BJ: He won't have to do any acting!
Frank: Humph! (marches off)
Me: Okay, everyone else hold your questions 'cause you'll find out when the show starts.
Me: Okay, Hawkeye, you're Marius.
Hawkeye: Hi.
Me: Nurse Cratty, you're Fantine.
Nurse Cratty: Alright.
Me: Margaret, you're Eponine.
Margaret: Okay... who's-
Me: It's gonna be explained. Sheesh. Okay, Nurse Able, you're Cosette.
Nurse Able: Does she get a happy ending?
Me: I can't say. Okay, Radar, you're Enjolras. BJ, do you object to being Grantaire?
BJ: As long as he dosen't work with Javert, I'm fine.
Me: Okay, Sergeant Zale, you're Thenardier.
Zale: (looks through the script) He's a greedy, lowdown, no-good swindler. I like this guy!
Me: Ohhhhkkkkayyyy. Anyway, Klinger, we can't find anyone to be his wife.
Klinger: But she helps him!
Me: I know, I'm sorry, but it's nothing personal. Besides, you wear dresses anyway.
Klinger: True. (runs off)
Me: Father Mulcahy, can you be the bishop?
FM: I can certainly try...
Me: Okay, Sam?
(a young Korean boy rushes to the front.)
Sam: 여기에! Here!
Hawkeye: Is that his real name?
Me: No, but don't know his name and I had to call him something.
Hawkeye: Fair enough.
Me: Alright, you will be playing Gavroche.
(Frank comes out of the changing room, dressed like Javert)
Sam: Hi, Joe!
Frank: Oh, no...
Me: (grins) Yep.
Here's how it worked out for the major characters:
Valjean- Cnl. Potter
Javert- Frank Burns
Bishop- Father Mulcahy
Fantine- Nurse Cratty
Marius- Hawkeye Pierce
Cosette- Nurse Able
Eponine- Margaret Houlihan
Enjolras- Radar
Grantaire- BJ Honeycut
Gavroche- Sam
Thenardier- Sergeant Zale
Mme. Thenardier- Klinger