Hi!
This is a collaboration with QUEENMAB126 (on Gays of Daytime Forum) and thus, I am not the only one who worked on this.
I had great fun with it, and if you do too, review – and if you're on the GoDT Boards please make sure to tell queenmab as well. ;) She deserves it!
Although beware; it is rather old, because it was planned somewhere round Summer, maybe even before that, 2010. It took a while and we had quite a few breaks in between… Well, in any case, Enjoy!
Warning: Aaron and Adam (*gasp*); T.
The volume was already up high as Aaron reached for the stereo, turning it up so loud that the beats almost hurt in his ears. Yet it couldn't cover the pain, the thoughts haunting him endlessly inside; couldn't make them vanish like the weightless smoke swirling from his cigarette.
He had never been able to handle this, had never managed to express into words what was killing him from the inside. His usual approach would have been to focus on the boiling rage burning deep inside him, taking it out on whoever happened to be there, only to feel shame and regret afterwards, the anger faded, leaving him hollow and numb. Losing control over the one thing that was in his hands, feeling it slip away as if it were sand in his hands – it was nothing to be desired, but it had been part of his life for as long as he could remember. Now, even that part of him remained absurdly silent. Instead, there was ache. It didn't burn like a wound, not like a scratch on the surface. Instead it was steady, just like an illness, something which came from the core of his being. It left him wondering what it had been that hurt him this deeply about Jackson's words.
He had said something about "It just doesn't work this way", followed by a convoluted speech about "growing up" and "learning how to be in a relationship". In short, it was all about the meaningless rubbish that was said when you dumped someone.
Holly had done that too, at a time that felt like eons before, saying that their relationship was awkward and they'd be better off separate; yet Aaron had been solely focused on the fear and confusion deep inside him, the pain for losing her completely absent. This was different, Jackson's words echoing in his mind, leaving bitter marks of regret.
That moment, the door burst open, Paddy standing at the door, seemingly angered.
"Oi! Would you please turn the music down?" he almost screamed to drown out what was almost to be called noise from the stereo. "I've been calling forever!"
For a change, Aaron didn't say anything; he almost instantly turned it off. As the music died, it left behind a humming sound in his ears. "Better?" he snapped.
Paddy seemed slightly confused, maybe it was the music, the obedience, Aaron's expression – he hoped it wasn't so obvious – or the fact that he had been smoking in his room. "Aaron, has anything – I mean, if anything had been… about Jackson, or anything else for that matter…"
"Just leave it." Aaron knew that Paddy didn't mean it in a harmful way, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to talk about it. Not to him. "I'm alright." Even if the latter couldn't be any further from the truth.
Paddy didn't seem to buy it, but he was probably used to it by now. He nodded, trying to look for signs that Aaron did want to talk after all but stepped back after a few seconds. "I'll be downstairs."
As the door shut behind him, it was a slight relief. Aaron had never been someone to share his emotions.
His first instinct was to grab his phone. As he opened it, he stared onto the screen a few heartbeats, then his fingers slipped on the keys.
Contacts.
His eyes slid over the list and caught hold of Jackson. It hurt to see the name, to not be able to call. Jackson had told him not to. He knew it was over, somehow, although he didn't want to accept it.
He pressed the down-key a few more times, arriving at the top of the list. Adam.
He did it without a thought, gave in to the sudden, strong urge to call his mate, pressed the phone against his ear. He didn't even know what he wanted to say. He just knew he had to talk to him, not even necessarily about Jackson.
"Hey, mate" Adam's voice answered, after the phone had rang only a few times. "How're ya doin'?" He sounded quite cheerful, clashing with Aaron's mood in a very annoying manner. Adam's breath was unsteady and suggested that he'd been working.
"Yeah, good."
"Great. Oh, by the way, the quod makes this weird rumbling sound when I switch it off. Would ya mind taking a look, when you got time?"
"No problem."
"Cheers." He let the silence take over, fascinated by the deep breathing, coming scratched but clear to his ears.
"Aaron? Why did you call? Something up?"
A wave of anxiety and embarrassment hit him with force. He honestly didn't know why he had called Adam. It was not like he wanted to talk about Jackson, or desired company. Being left alone was the one thing he was sure he craved, yet there he was, clutching his phone tightly.
"Nothing much." He tried to sound nonchalant, even though he knew Adam wouldn't fall for it. He didn't do a very good job of it, either; it was barely a whisper.
"C'mon, mate, what's bugging you?"
Aaron hesitated first, wondering what he should say. "It's just – Jackson. He dumped me." Quickly, he added: "No big deal, really." Yet he was painfully aware of how pathetic it must have sounded; his voice trembling.
He heard a sharp breath at the other end of the line and could almost see the worried frown on his mate's face. "Alright," he finally said after a moment of silence, "Well, it's his loss. Fancy coming to town tonight?"
Aaron let out a slight sigh of relief. Adam always seemed to know what he could take and what not.
"Like where?"
"Anywhere. If you're interested, there's this new place I wanted to check out, but it's straight," he said mockingly.
"Shut up," he said, but he felt instantly better again with the usual banter, "But you're paying."
Adam snorted. "Yeah, always taking advantage o' my big heart."
"Well, you do have a rich girlfriend," Aaron replied.
"Oh, get lost. Around eight?"
"Cheers mate."
As Aaron put his mobile down, he realized he wasn't feeling as bad as he had before; still there was something hollow left. Admittedly, the distraction was welcome – he could definitely use it.
"Here you go, a pint for our broken heart," Adam said theatrically as he came back from the bar.
"Oi!" Aaron exclaimed as he snatched away the lager from his mate, unwilling to let himself be pitied because of the breakup – which, he had sworn to himself, would not ruin their night. "You don't even have a heart."
"Why that?" Adam lifted his eyebrows.
"Obviously, Scarlett has yours." Aaron took a large sip as Adam laughed.
"True," he said, "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Neither of us needs a heart to have fun."
Aaron nodded, having another mouthful. He had already had a can before he had left – just enough to make him care less about Jackson. "How'd you find this place, anyway? It's the size of a cardboard box."
"That's why it's an insider!" Adam leaned back on his stool. "Music's nice, not too crowded, fine beer – what more do you want? Alright, there might be too many women for your taste," he added, after taking a glance around the room.
Aaron frowned. "Serious? Yer saying you like this kind of tune?" He shook his head as if to pity his mate. "You don't only lack a heart, you lack taste as well!"
"Shut up, just because you can't recognise horrible music when it jumps you it doesn't mean we're all like that." Adam grinned cheekily. "Besides, since when did you start to care about music?"
Aaron couldn't help but laugh. "Alright, dig the music, dig the chicks, they're yours. But I don't think that Scarlett will like that," he added, enjoying it to wind his mate up.
"Get lost," Adam groaned, kicking Aaron's leg playfully, "Anyway, she wouldn't come here if I dragged her."
"You were planning to?"
Adam shook his head. "Course not. It's a lad's night out. It's rare enough that we get a chance."
"Well, you didn't always care," said Aaron, thinking of the times where Scarlett insisted on coming with them – once even when Jackson was around, which had led to a couple of embarrassing scenes – he tried not to think about it for it reminded him of Jackson.
"Come on, Scarlett likes you."
Aaron pretended to be shocked. "I tell ya, the only thing she likes is checking up on you to see if you're cheating on her."
Adam rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever."
He held up his glass – which was already empty, along with Aaron's – and handed it over to him. "Your round."
"I don't have any money," Aaron said, smiling. It wasn't really true, but he enjoyed winding Adam up.
Adam rolled his eyes. "Why wouldn't you?"
"Because" Aaron said mockingly, "we agreed that you'd pay."
Adam sighed, getting up. "You're starting to resemble a girl, letting a man pay for your night out."
"And who exactly is letting himself get pampered by his rich girlfriend?" Aaron countered.
Adam moaned. "Shut it."
As Adam walked off to the bar, Aaron smiled warily at the table. The evening wasn't that bad and it could only get better.
"She's so checking you out."
Aaron tried not to look, but couldn't help a laugh. "I don't care, I'm not interested."
"She's dead cute. You wouldn't turn straight for that?"
Aaron finally gave in to the urge and looked behind his shoulders to see who exactly was "checking him out" and met eyes with a young, blonde woman who was sitting there with what seemed to be her friend. She smiled and Aaron lifted his eyebrows to turn back to Adam. "No way. Been there, done that – not going back."
"Too bad she's not looking at me," Adam said, dramatically slumping in his stool.
"What about Scarlett?"
"What about her?" Adam sighed. "It'd be just a chat."
They both burst out laughing. "Yer right," Aaron said, dripping with sarcasm.
"Well, you very much enjoyed telling everyone looking at you that you had a boyfriend," Adam argued, emptying his pint shortly after – Aaron wasn't sure how many it had been by now but they had both had an awful lot. Then, Adam cringed, realising what he had said. "Had is the right word." He put down the glass on the table pensively, right beside the ones before. "Sorry mate, I didn't – "
"No, it's fine." It wasn't the truth, but it was actually nearer than expected, the emptiness in his chest had reduced to shallow numbness as the warmth of the beer spread through his veins. It didn't hurt anymore and for now, that was a positive sign.
"Next time we hit the gay pub we find someone for ya." Adam slurred, words melting together.
"Oh, risking to get hit on? I already had to come for your rescue once."
"I'll just say I have a boyfriend – saves time." Aaron stared at him, thoughts slowing dangerously down as he let himself linger on glassy big eyes and full lips. "It's empty." Adam stated after a moment, raising one of the pints with an unsteady hand, as if for evidence.
"Same again?" Aaron asked.
"You paying this time?"
"Never."
"Rock, Paper, Scissors?" Adam grinned – it was a challenge. "If you lose, you pay."
Aaron gave in. "Fine."
Aaron gave a Paper. Adam had Scissors.
"Hah, I win!" Adam triumphed, leaning in punch his shoulder and ending up almost falling from the stool. "And now, get the beer."
Aaron rolled his eyes. "You wish. Besides, it's late, we should get going."
"You're just a bad loser, that's what you are," Adam giggled, then sighed. "But you are right, it's quite late. They'll close soon anyway."
They got up, continuing to joke and mess around with each other, pushing and slapping each other slightly more than usual. Aaron felt strangely dizzy from the booze, which was probably the reason why the two kept bumping into each other as they walked to the bus station. Jackson, at this point, had been long forgotten.
About halfway through the journey, Adam started to hiccup. Aaron started to laugh, and found himself unable to stop, even as Adam kept pushing him and muttering how not funny this was, laughter breaking free after seconds.
"We have to get off he – hic!" Adam gasped. "...here."
"I know alright, mate." Aaron was still grinning at Adam as they got off, near Smithy Cottage. "Er... you wanna come in for a glass of water or something?" he offered, slightly worried about Adam's state of mind.
"Yea, thanks mate," Adam managed to say, suppressing another hiccup. "I could do wi – hic! ...uh..." Adam started laughing again.
"You could do wicked what?"
"S'not funny!"
Aaron didn't reply but just opened the door to the house and switched on the lights. Adam followed and closed the door behind him, stumbling over the rag.
"You a lightweight, Barton? Can't even stand up after a few pints."
Paddy seemed to be fast asleep already, or wasn't in at all – either way, he wasn't to be seen anywhere. Aaron couldn't care less. He reached for a glass, poured in tap water as he heard Adam hiccup behind him again.
"There you go."
"Cheers." Adam gulped the water down in a few seconds, then looked up to Aaron. Their breathing was unsteady.
"Has it gone?" Adam asked shakily, then, as Aaron was about to believe it had, there was another hiccup and both of them laughed at it. Adam reached for the tap to get more water.
"It does say you need to hold your nose while you do that."
Adam tried it and it was obvious he was trying very hard not to burst out laughing. As he put the glass down after a few sips, he could hardly control his breath.
"S'not – hic! – w...working," he moaned.
"Then we need something to make you jump," Aaron said, trying to think of ways to get rid of the hiccup.
"Was that a threat?"
"Maybe?" He waited just a second, then tackled Adam, shoving him, but seeing as he was slightly – or extremely – drunk, he didn't quite manage to control the act and Adam stumbled, grabbing Aaron's arm, trying not to fall backwards, so they both slammed against the nearest wall. Immediately, they started giggling again.
"Trying to kill me or what?"
"Shut up..." Aaron moaned. And then he leaned in to kiss Adam.
It wasn't like he had been planning to do this, in fact he'd not thought about it at all. It just happened in the heat of the moment and he didn't realise what he had done until he saw that Adam had gone quiet, staring at him in shock, panting; his lips were still burning with the touch.
Aaron's mind went blank. He stared back, almost frozen, trying to think, trying to grasp the situation and come up with an adequate thing to say or do, but it didn't work.
"What are you doing...?" Adam's voice was barely more than a shaky whisper, broken and insecure, eyes wide with thousands of sensations hitting him with force. It was what encouraged Aaron to carefully lean in again and just touch Adam's lips with his own. First, Adam seemed to shudder, then, as their lips started moving against each other, their kiss became a real one. Aaron could feel Adam's trembling lips pressing upon his, small gasps of breath escaping them as their mouth clashed together in hot, frantic kisses.
Aaron's hands almost moved on their own, forcefully grabbing Adam's waist and pushing him against the wall, trying to get closer to the warm body which felt so good on his. Everything was spinning so fast he just felt like he couldn't breath anymore, lust and alcohol clouding his mind, Adam's mouth moving fast over his intoxicating as drugs, guilt stained kisses setting every sense on fire.
Suddenly, there was an abrupt stopping his mate's movement – he didn't even know if he could call him that way – and he felt himself get pushed away, nails digging into his skin. He was shaken into a state of realisation, a rush of fear coming over him, whether he'd have gone too far, staring at Adam who was trying to catch breath, still clutching to Aaron with one hand, the other raised to his mouth.
"I - wanna go upstairs" he mumbled and Aaron didn't instantly believe he'd heard correctly, but it wasn't an illusion.
"Yeah," he said, panting still, his conscience slipping away fast again, the unsteady hammering of his heart in his ears almost covering the whisper.
Actually getting upstairs proved to be an almost impossible task; Adam almost knocked off the table as they tried to get to Aaron's room without breaking contact, kissing and touching in between, then suddenly starting to giggle as they lost their balance halfway through the stairs. Aaron figured that just lying there was the best option for the moment, the edge of a step digging into his back; Adam lowered himself to launch open mouthed kisses on him, first lips, then on his neck - he could almost feel his last fragments of awareness slip away, replaced by raw feeling and burning desire for the guy who was clinging to him frantically – every "bad idea" and "shouldn't do this" fading from his foggy mind.
"I have – we – upstairs" He said, words heavy and spongy on his tongue. They managed to get into his room, still kissing, slamming the door shut. Aaron's mind jumped to Paddy for a heartbeat, but he was forgotten as soon as Adam kissed him again, pushing him further into the room. Aaron grasped the chance to literally shove Adam onto the bed with full force, following onto him without hesitation.
They continued kissing as if their lives depended on it, grinded their hips together in ecstasy. Their moves were uncoordinated as they struggled with their clothes; the whole thing just a touching, kissing, trembling hot mess yet the wrongness of it all didn't make either of them shy away. Only warily did Aaron remember that just a few days ago, it had been Jackson who had been lying here, but this moment, Adam was real, moaning and writhing beneath his touch, the sensation of the heat mind-blowing and raw. It wasn't careful and neither of them was looking for it to be playful, honest or proper, on the contrary. It was rushed, fast and rough yet the experience felt hotter than anything.
As they lay there, none of the why or who mattered.
His head hurt like mad. It was the first thing Aaron noticed when he slowly began to wake up. Then, next thing, he realised there was a warm body next to his. Jackson, he assumed calmly and tried to get closer to him, the thought of waking him up and convincing him to get an aspirin for him very tempting. Yet somehow, he thought the body felt strangely awkward and as the mist inside his head began to fade, it stuck him that it was impossible that Jackson was lying there beside him – they had only just broken up!
Sudden panic creeping up on him he clumsily raised himself halfway up, weight on his arms, to blink slowly into the sunlight – the blinds weren't down – and see that it was Adam who was lying there, only halfway buried underneath the sheets, topless torso showing – and Aaron froze immediately. Suddenly fragments of the night before began flashing behind his tired eyelids, the sensation of heated kisses and the smell of sex still on him.
Shit. It was the only thought that crossed Aaron's mind at the moment. Holy fucking shit.
For a moment he had feared to have woken up beside a stranger, but this was infinitely worse.
Slowly, trying not to wake Adam up, he crept out of the bed. Adam moved slightly and Aaron froze, terrified he might wake up. He stared at the sleeping face, lingering for a second on a red mark on Adam's neck, his throat tightening as he remembered those moments. Aaron was almost naked himself, except for one sock, which seemed to have been neglected the night before. The other pieces of clothing were scattered around the room and didn't look like they had been handled with care.
Aaron quickly got hold of some fresh boxers and rushed to the bathroom, breathing heavily.
It was too obvious what had happened. He couldn't really believe it – hell, Adam wasn't even gay, or at least that was what Aaron had believed until now – but it had. There was no doubt. And if Adam woke up, it would also be clear to him.
He didn't know what to think of the whole situation.
Who started it? Why did it happen? How could he have let himself do this? But it hadn't been just him, he thought, trying to calm down. If he
Aaron quickly got in the shower, hot water slightly improving his headache but doing nothing for the tangle of thoughts racing through his mind. He was still almost a little in shock, expecting to wake up any moment, realising he was still dreaming. But of course he didn't, not as he got out and bumped his knee, nor as he looked into the mirror on his own face.
When he returned to the room, Adam was still sleeping and for a second, Aaron couldn't help but think he looked good with his limbs tangled up in sheets, without any clothes. Aaron wondered whether he should wake him up or not, taking into account what would get a better reaction from Adam, when a soft moan and shift made him realise that the choice had been made for him.
Adam blinked a few times, slowly getting up. He looked around, seemingly puzzled, hand on his head indicating that his headache wasn't any better than Aaron's.
"Morning," Aaron said, realizing his voice was barely more than a shaky whisper.
Adam's reaction was sudden, gazing at Aaron in shock, realisation striking. His eyes wandered around the room and Aaron knew he was looking at the garments on the floor, then Adam looked down on himself to realise that that was the place where they had come from. "Shit...", he murmured, still massaging his forehead.
"Adam –"
Aaron tried to say something, but his voice failed him as he couldn't think of any way to make this feel any less awkward than it already was.
"You're not making fun of me, are you?" Adam asked and it was obvious he genuinely wanted it to be that way.
"I wish I were," Aaron honestly replied, "Look, mate, I'm sorry –"
"What'd we do? We... have, haven't we... oh, blimey." Adam was more speaking to himself than to Aaron, "I remember."
Aaron didn't reply. He wouldn't have known how to.
"I'm not gay." Adam was trembling now. "I'm not gay and you know that."
"Adam –"
But Adam suddenly got up, reaching for his boxers and clumsily getting them on. "I'm not like that, you know I'm not, I was smashed! If I hadn't been drunk, it..." He quickly got hold of his other clothing.
"Adam, please!" Aaron tried to say, "Can we maybe talk..."
"You, you were feeling down and lonely about Jackson!" Adam shouted, a highly accusing tone in his voice, "And I was there, trying to help you and what do you do? You get me drunk and take advantage of me!"
Aaron was rendered speechless. "What?"
"I'm getting out of here," Adam murmured, pulling his shirt over and immediately rushing out of the room.
"Adam, wait!" Furiously, he tried to grab hold of him, but Adam flinched at his touch and almost hit him in an effort to get away. "You think I'd do something like that?" he cried out in an attempt to get Adam to at least hesitate, but Adam was completely freaking out. He didn't even reply but rushed down the stairs and crashed his hand on the doorknob. He was lucky, it was open.
"Wait!" But the door crashed closed. For a few seconds, Aaron stood there, trying to grasp what had happened, the night and the morning. What Adam had accused him of doing... He hadn't, had he? He had kissed him, but Adam had kissed back...
"Was that Adam?"
Paddy's voice made Aaron jump and for a few seconds, he was staring back at him. Then he realised he was still only in his boxers – and the look on Paddy's face did not suggest he hadn't noticed.