AN: Okay, yeah it's a long one-shot. And there's some personal stuff I'm dealing with and this was the only way I could get through it... lol. Writing a story. So if anyone can manage to get through this...I applaud you. :):
Cancer is a nasty thing.
Disclaimer: Nothing owned
"You have less than three months to live…" She started breathing erratically as she slept. "You have less than three months to live…" it kept repeating in her head as if it were a voice taunting her. She silently cried as she opened her eyes to see a wall. A wall that was blank. Blank like what would become of her life in three months. "You have less than three months to live…" She had enough. She didn't want to hear it anymore. She couldn't hear it anymore. She didn't want to hear it anymore. "Stop. Please just stop," she continued to silently cry. "Please." Her breathing was shortening as the voice got even louder in her head. "You have less than three months to live…" "STOP!" She sat up panting. Sweating. "Why?" she cried as she ran a hand through her hair. Just then she looked to her left and saw the empty space that should be filled with a body. The body that belonged to her husband. Her husband that was going to be her rock through this terrible time. She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion as she looked around the room. Her eyes fell upon the bathroom door that stood in their bedroom. The door was left slightly open as the little sliver of light beamed through. She immediately got out of bed and slowly made her way over to the bathroom. She opened it and there sat on the floor was her husband; eyes red and puffy. "Derek?! What's wrong?" She rushed down to his side and kneeled down to be leveled with him.
He broke down some more at the sight of her, "Casey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just not strong enough to handle this. I'm sorry." Derek brought his head down as he cried some more. Burying his hands to hide his weak side from her. He was embarrassed.
Casey never got to see this side of Derek. He was always her strong and absolutely hilarious husband. Seeing him in this state just made everything all the more real. She went over to him and slowly started to rub his back, "Derek, it's okay. I'm not expecting you to be strong or learn to deal with this over night. It's okay. I'm still here."
He reached over and embraced her into a hug, "You're still here. You're here with me. I just need to know you're still here, Case," he whispered quietly against her.
"I'm here, Derek." She sniffled against him, "I'm still going to be here."
"It's not fair. It's not fair. This all isn't fair, Casey. We were going to do so many things together. We had plans." He was quiet for a minute then suddenly he spoke, "Casey, I'm sorry."
"Hey," she pulled back, "for what?"
Voice shaking uncontrollably, "Taking you for granted. I took you for granted, Casey."
Casey furrowed her eyebrows together and shook her head, "No. No, you didn't. Don't ever believe you did. You learned to love me, Derek. I learned to love you." She brought her hands to cup his face," Every day since that day you told me you loved me have you not once taken me for granted. You never did, okay?"
He nodded, "Okay." Derek stifled a laugh as he smiled at her, "You're something else you know that?"
Casey sniffled and offered him one right back, "Hopefully the next one will be something else too right?"
Derek furrowed his eyebrows at her this time, "Next one?"
"Yeah, you know, you'll move on Derek. You're still young."
He immediately shook his head. This was Casey Venturi, his wife. The mother of his child. The love of his life. Never would he find anyone like her. Never. "No. It's you forever. No one is going to replace you. Ever. It's you and Matty forever, Case."
Casey broke down at the name of her son, "Matty." She looked down and continued to cry, "Matty. He's not going to remember me. He's not going to remember his mother." Derek held her and comforted her as she continued to cry, "He's only 4, Derek," She reached up to wipe her eyes, "he's going to forget all about me."
He pulled back and wiped her tears, "He won't ever forget you. I will tell him all about you. Every day of his life I'll tell him about you and how great you are. He won't forget you." She nodded. Derek let another tear fall as he became silent; running constant scenarios in his head, "What am I going to do without you?"
"Just continue to love me. Love Matty."
Derek nodded and smiled at her. He reached up and gently placed his hand on the side of her face; the face he loved so much as he gently swayed his thumb side to side, "You're the best person I know."
"Ditto." She leaned over and gave him one of their many last kisses, "I'm sorry you have to go through this." He raised an eyebrow and she quickly became serious, "I mean I'm sorry you couldn't just be with someone who wasn't sick and I know how much this is hurting you. I kinda wish I didn't have to put you through this." She welled up once more, "I'm sorry I'm not that strong physically as I am mentally. I hate what this is doing to you or what it's going to do to you. I hate I have to leave my son and he won't even remember me." She finally started to break down, "I know I was strong earlier but right now," her voice cracked and she silently let out, "I'm still really scared."
He let his own tears out at her words, "I love you in sickness and in health. I could have the most un-sick person in the world and I wouldn't even consider the thought of picking her over you. Casey, this is going to do some major damage in our family's life but no matter what you'll always be here. Always. Matty will hear about you every day. Every single day of his life as long as I live, he will. It'll be just like you're here."
"Thank you." She simply said to him as she tried to even her breath. Derek was right and she knew this would do damage; major damage and all she could think about is how much she hated it.
Derek reached over and cupped her face as he gently swayed underneath her eyes with the pads of his thumbs, "I just want you to know, Casey, that you changed my life. You changed me. You taught me to become a whole new person. You taught me love and family. All you, Case."
Casey slowly nodded, "You did the same for me. We've gone through a lot, Derek, and I don't regret any of it. I don't because we're here right now and I still have you. As long as I have you."
He smiled, "Forever." Derek looked around the bathroom then back at Casey, "Come on. I know you're exhausted. I'm sorry I kept you up."
She shook her head, "No, it's okay. I'm just glad we talked. I feel so much more at ease now."
Derek nodded and stood up to offer her a hand. "Come on baby, let's get some sleep."
Casey grabbed his hand and stood up with him. They both got back into bed where Casey faced the wall and Derek wrapped his arms around her from behind. "Derek?"
"Yeah, Case?"
"Let's just live these last few months freely, okay?"
"Yeah, to the fullest," he gave her a quick kiss on the neck, "I love you."
"I love you too." Casey closed her eyes and tried to sleep off the nightmare that was going to become her life.
Derek knew she was being strong but he couldn't help but realize that soon enough he wouldn't have this anymore. It was as if that talk they had in the bathroom was just gone. Being strong at this moment was just not going to cut it.
He started to think about what he had in front of him. What he wouldn't have in front of him. He wouldn't have a body to wrap his arms around at night or a neck to kiss right before they slept or a stomach a tickle for the fun of it or lips to kiss to show her he loved her. He knew it was all going to be gone. He couldn't hold it in anymore. Years of never crying brought on tears that made up for them. Tears that streamed his face at the news of his wife's brutal life expectancy. Today was just too much for him to handle.
He quietly started to cry. He slowly broke down once more as he stared at the back of her head. Choking out sobs while he just watched her be still as she slept. He didn't want to wake her up again; trying his hardest to stop but he just couldn't. Derek took his arms away and stared at the opposite side of her. That blank wall he knew was going to become his life when she left him.
--Month 1
"Morning," he leaned over and kissed her neck.
Casey quickly turned around and gave Derek a kiss, "Mmmm…morning." She pulled back and wiped his lip with her thumb as she smiled brightly at him.
Derek just looked at her. Admiring her face as it stood make-up less every morning and realizing just how naturally beautiful she was. Those bright blue eyes that showed him love. Again the thought of not seeing this started to make him physically and mentally hurt. He knew now wasn't the time. They were fine. They were okay right now. The night before drained them emotionally and right now they were alright. He reached over and tucked some hair behind her ear, "So what do you want to do today? We can do anything you want."
Casey smiled as she thought. She then focused her eyes back on Derek's, "Let's go fishing. Matty's been begging to go fishing. Damn Nemo movie has him brainwashed." They both laughed for a good minute or two, "Yeah, Derek. Fishing."
Derek nodded, "Let's go fishing," he confirmed. Casey was about to get up to get ready but Derek pulled her back onto the bed and pulled her in for another kiss, "I love you." He mumbled against her.
Casey smiled against his lips, "I love you too."
He pulled back and looked at her, "I kinda wanted to do this thing…"
She immediately had a reflex to throw him a snort, "You kinda wanted to do it? Or you always want to do it…"
Derek had a reflex to stare at her blankly, "Hey! I wasn't talking about sex!" That blank stare formed into a grin, "Although…"
"Derek!" she jokingly whined.
"Just kidding. Well, you know, I kinda wanted to get a new video camera and just record the things we do from now on. That way I can watch it every day, you know," his nose started to turn red and he couldn't help but well up, "and Matty would always have his Mommy."
Casey went closer to him and leaned over to wipe the lone tears that fell, "Derek, that's a terrific idea." She nodded toward him, "You're great," her tone very serious as she absolutely meant it.
"We're great." Derek told her.
She nodded once more, "Yeah, we are."
--
"I am getting no f-ing fish!!" Derek muttered aloud as he tugged on his fishing pole, "I mean seriously the fish have nothing better to do and they can't be sleeping! Stupid fish!"
Casey looked over at him from her comfy and portable chair. She couldn't help but laugh at the way he was acting; his competitive spirit was still intact and that would never change. She never wanted him to change. "Derek, you gotta take it slow with the fish or else you won't get any."
Derek looked over at her and scoffed, "Easy for you to say. You come over here and do it then because I could bet you anything you'll be getting the same amount I am." Derek looked over at Matty, "No fish, buddy?"
Matty frowned, "No Daddy."
Derek went over and picked up Matty, "Well, Mommy here is gonna try and catch one. I don't think she can do it. Do you?"
Matty looked over at a pouting Casey and he nodded, "Mommy can do it." Casey immediately grinned and gave her son a kiss. Casey then looked over at Derek, who jokingly rolled his eyes but deep down it was probably one of the greatest things he'd ever seen.
"Alright, bait ready. Time to catch fish!" She casted out her fishing pole while Derek whipped out his camera and started to record her. Casey struggled with the first few casts and she could hear giggling behind her which made her even more determined. She threw out one more cast and took her time as she tugged slowly on the line. Finally a bite caught on as she felt her pole being pulled. She tugged slightly once more followed by one more hard tug to hook it in. "Derek! I got one!!" She started to yelp as she was reeling it in, "Matty! I'm getting a fishy for you!"
Derek and Matty stood up with excitement. Derek was filming the whole thing while Matty jumped up and down in anticipation, "Mommy! Where's the fish?!"
Casey reeled it all the way up and there was the fish the three of them waited for. Matty ran over to his Mommy and observed the fish from where he stood. "Casey, you did it!" Casey immediately dropped the pole and grabbed the ledge for support of her weight. Derek frowned, "Ca--"
"I did it." She breathed out as she put a hand on her hip; still holding onto the railing. Derek put his camera down and rushed over to her. He tried to help her up but she wouldn't have it, "Derek! I'm fine!" she snapped at him and he frowned once more at the sight of her. Casey just wasn't ready to be taken care of because she knew it made her feel helpless and making her situation more real. She glanced over at Derek, who had pain written all over his face and immediately she softened, "Derek. I'm okay, really." He slowly nodded and she knew he was unconvinced but decided to just give her what she wanted. Casey looked down at the flip-flopping fish and smiled innocently, "Derek, can you unhook the fish. They scare me when they hop around like that."
Derek let out a laugh, "Sure." Casey slowly made it back to her seat on the dock while Derek and Matty unhooked the fish and messed around with it for a while. She smiled at the sight of her two favorite men just having a great time. Casey wanted to register this moment forever. She went back to reading her book shortly thereafter. A few minutes later she heard Derek come up behind her and he decided it was time to be Derek Venturi and mess with his wife, "Casey…" he called her name in a sing-song voice.
She tilted her head backwards and looked up at him; squinting from the sun's rays, "Yeah?"
Derek hovered his fishy hands over her face, "You like?!"
Casey immediately hopped up off her chair and paced backwards, "EW! Derek, you better not!" He continued to walk toward her as if stalking prey and her back hit the dock's ledge, "Derek! Please don't!"
"You gotta take it slow with the fish hands…" he lightly mocked her.
She cringed as he got a little closer, "Derek, I take it back. Please just go wash your hands!"
He stopped in his tracks and smirked at her. The smirk she became so fond of because it was Derek's. A smirk that she would never admit to loving but deep down she did, "What are you going to give me in return?"
Casey slowly paced toward him, "Spread your arms out first." He did and she quickly went over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, "You know what I'll give you in return. Don't be stupid."
Derek let out a laugh, "Can I just have a little taste pleaseee?"
She shared his laugh; nodding and immediately gave him a full length, tongue dueling, heated kiss, "There." Casey smiled brightly as she pulled back.
He still had his eyes closed, "That was more than a taste."
"Are you complaining? Because I ca--"
"No. No," he opened his eyes and grinned, "I loved all of it."
"Good. Now please wash your hands," she chided. Some days Casey still had to talk to Derek as if he were the same age as Matty but at the end of the day it's one of the many things she loved about him.
"Buddy, come on. Let's wash our hands."
Matty left the poor fish alone, "K Daddy."
--
That night they were in bed and Derek brought out his camera again. He pressed 'Record' as he looked over at her. "Derek put the camera away." She ordered with a bit of annoyance.
He laughed and continued to record, "I'm trying to show Matty how gorgeous his Mommy is. Don't take that away from me. Say something."
"Fine." She looked down. All the seriousness went into her voice at the moment as she finally looked over at the camera and stared into the lens, "Hey, baby, I just want to tell you how much I love you okay? I'll always love you." She looked over at Derek, "I don't know what else to say."
"Just those words mean the world, Case." He told her seriously as her eyes got a bit watery. "We both love you. A lot. Don't ever forget it."
She sniffled, "I won't." He leaned over and gave her a kiss and in the corner of her eye she can still see the camera pointing at them, "Derek, the camera." She mumbled against him.
Derek pulled back and snickered, "Hey! This is an important moment okay?"
Casey looked into the camera, "Future Derek, you are such a perv for watching this."
Derek looked into the camera, "Future me. No you're not."
He leaned over and kissed her again, "If you don't turn that damn camera off," she mumbled, "you'll be getting nothing in return. And I mean right now." Derek immediately turned off the camera and Casey couldn't help but laugh at him. "Someone's antsy." He responded to her by immediately giving her heated kisses to where they continued on that night.
--Month 2
Time was getting shorter and everyone could see it in Casey. Casey even saw it in herself. The way she acted toward everyone was a bit cynical but at the same time she always told everyone how much she loved them. It was the only thing she could do.
One night was special and heartbreaking all in one for her. After a tiring day with the family, who came to visit, she finally just had time to lie down. To rest because it's what she wanted the most. She just needed rest. Derek was in the shower and she just stared at the blank wall. She would be shaken out of her thoughts as her bedroom door opened and there came her son, who hopped on the bed and got closer to her. Casey immediately turned around and faced him, "Baby, what are you still doing up? I thought I put you to bed already."
"I can't sleep, Mommy." He told quietly as he rubbed his eyes.
He rested next to her as she brought him into her arms, "Why not? Why can't you sleep?"
"Because Daddy keeps crying." At those words her heart began to break; immediately picturing Derek and how much it pained her to see him that way and now. Now her son was telling her this and she could do nothing but cry in front of him. She and Derek promised to stay strong in front of their son but it's getting to the point where it's uncontrollable. Matty slowly reached up and wiped his Mommy's tears away with his little hands, "Mommy, don't cry too. Pwease?"
She smiled as she sniffled, "Baby, I'm not crying. I'm not. I'm trying not to cry." Casey gently played with his hair, "Matty?" He looked at her, "If Daddy cries tell him no more crying okay?" Matty nodded, "Give him lots of hugs and kisses. Lots of hugs and kisses. Just tell him no more okay?"
"K Mommy," he gave her a hug and a bunch of kisses, "No crying too, okay?"
Casey held him tighter and tried her hardest to stop the tears but they just wouldn't, "I'm trying, baby. I'm trying. I love you."
"I wuv you too." She let out a tiny laugh at the fact he still couldn't say love right. Finally out of the blue her son started to cry in her arms. She looked down at those little blue eyes that filled with tears, "Mommy?"
Casey furrowed her eyebrows with concern, "Yeah, baby?"
"I don't want you to sweep."
Casey let it all out then; this was just too much to bare. She brought him in her arms once more as she sat up and held him, "Baby, shh. I don't want to sleep either. I don't want to sleep." She gave him a few kisses on his head to settle him down and finally he did, "I don't ever want to sleep. I want to stay awake with you and Daddy, okay?"
"K Mommy. Don't sweep."
"I know, baby. Shh…" He pulled back and wiped her tears again. He had that soothing touch that she was so used to Derek giving when she had a breakdown, "Do you want to sleep now?" He shook his head, "Baby, it's late. What do you want to do?"
"Can we watch Nemo? Pwease??" He begged.
Casey smiled and gave into her son, "Fine. Come on let's watch your favorite movie."
"Yay!" They made their way out of the room to watch his movie.
Derek, on the other hand, wasn't showering. It would become a daily habit of his to go into the bathroom at night and turn the shower on but he would never get in. Instead he had a breakdown of his own. He'd go over what he and his family had done that day and all he could think about was how much closer he was to losing his wife. His Casey. To a battle she had no control over. That he had no control over. It killed him to know there was nothing he could do. It was something far too great for them to handle.
He promised he would be her rock and he saw how much it drained Casey to see him this way and the only thing he could do was hide it from her. Hide the fact that he just wasn't strong enough yet. It was the second month and still he wasn't strong. He was starting to believe that he would never get over this. He would never get over the fact that Casey would be leaving him forever. Leaving her son forever.
He found solace in this bathroom because it was the only place he could give into his weaknesses. He thought of their memories and how much he just needed to remember each and every detail that was their life together. The constant fights as teenagers. Or the tension that surrounded them for years and that one special day where he gave up and showed her his weakness and told her that he had feelings for her. His weakness was no more when she reciprocated. Now here they were…married with a 4 year old son. The light of their life and she had to leave him. His life wasn't going to be the same and he knew this. He knew what was in store for him; for his future. He would have a son to raise and a wife to grieve. All he could think was how all of this is just unfair.
Finally during his bathroom visits, came his conscience. His mind telling him to cut it out and get out of this room and be with his wife. Sulking isn't going to give him more time with her. Every time he sat, he knew it was true. Staying in the bathroom and crying wasn't going to give him Casey. So he slowly got up as his knees shook and put a hand in the shower. He would then run it through his hair and on his face and it made everything more convincing. It was time to be the strong Derek that his wife had been counting on through this time.
He made his way out of the bathroom and didn't see Casey in bed. He walked out and went into the living room where she was resting on the couch holding onto a sleeping Matty; crying to herself. Derek quickly went over to her and squatted down to be leveled, "Casey, why are you crying?"
She quickly shook her head and wiped away the tears, "I'm fine, Derek. Matty just wanted to watch Nemo because he couldn't sleep but he fell asleep like 5 minutes after we started the movie." She stifled a laugh, "Could you put him to bed, please?"
Derek offered her a smile, "Sure." He picked up Matty and brought him to his room. Casey put her hands on the edge of the couch to help her lift up and off of it. She started to realize how much help she needed while she just tried to walk to her bedroom; holding the walls as leverage to keep her balanced. A simple and easy task that had become a struggling battle. She was about to head into her room but heard voices coming from Matty's bedroom. "Buddy, I'm not crying okay?"
"K Daddy. Mommy said to give you hugs and kisses." She could hear Derek reach down and embrace their son, "No more crying."
"No more crying." He gave Matty a kiss on the head.
"Daddy?" Derek looked at him, "Can we go to the park tomorrow?"
Derek sighed shaky breath, "Buddy, I don't think we can. Sorry. Mommy can't go to the park right now. I promise I'll take you one day, okay? I promise." Immediately Casey's heart broke once more.
"Alright, Daddy, Mommy and me wanna play on the swings."
Derek sniffled, "Yeah, buddy. The swings. We'll go one day alright? Time to sleep. Goodnight."
"Night Daddy." He saw Casey in the doorway, "Night Mommy."
"Goodnight, Baby. I love you."
"I wuv you too."
Derek got up and went out of the room where he demanded to assist Casey to bed. There they lie. Both emotionally drained once more. Derek turned to look at her red and puffy face, "Case, shh…come on. No more crying okay?"
She nodded as she looked up at the ceiling, "I'm just so tired, Derek." She cried some more, "I'm so tired of being tired. I'm frustrated! I can't even take my son to the park. He wanted me to bring him to the swings and I can't even do that because I'm just so damn tired! I hate this. I hate this, Derek." He quickly sat up and brought her in his arms, "I hate this." She whispered against him.
Derek rubbed circles on her back to comfort her and to calm her down, "I hate this too."
"I don't know how I could've done this without you." She gave him a quick kiss on the neck, "You've been nothing but my rock through this and I love you so much for it. I love you."
He lost it already as he silently cried. Derek tried to hold it in but Casey knew, "I love you too. I'll always love okay? Don't ever forget it." He pulled back and cupped her face and she could immediately see the cry in his eyes, "I know I'm trying to be as strong as you have been but I'm sorry I keep doing this." He sighed, "I'm sorry. It's just I love you so much."
Casey nodded, "It's okay, telling me you love me every day is enough for me. Matty giving me hugs and kisses mean the world. You don't have to apologize. Don't ever apologize because you do nothing wrong."
They went back down and rested their heads on their pillows as they stared up at the ceiling; still wrapped in one another's arms. "I just don't want to believe that I'm going to lose you. That all of this is going to be gone."
"Derek, I may be gone but you still have a son out there that's going to need his Daddy. He's going to need you. I'm still in him." She felt she had to remind him of that.
He sniffled some more as he held her tighter, "I know. I know. He's the only thing I'll have left of you. I just don't want to know how hard it's going to be." He looked over at her, "I won't have your face to look at in the morning or a tummy to tickle just for the hell of it because making you laugh was what I always looked forward to. I won't have lips to kiss." He was quiet and let out shaky breaths, "I won't be able to say I love you and have it said back to me. It's all going to be gone, Case."
Casey still had a stream of tears run down her face as he spoke every word. Every word that she knew would be true for her too. "I'm not ready to leave." Casey held onto him tighter, "I'm not ready to leave you and our son. I've been nothing but strong this last month and a half and I've been trying. Today just really hurt when Matty told me he didn't want me to sleep." After hearing that Derek quickly brought his hand to his face and tried to hide what he was really feeling. How much this was breaking his heart to hear, "And every night I hear you cry Derek and it physically pains me because I know it's me doing this to you. I hate that I'm doing this to you. Then you finally stop and I still can't sleep because I'm running scenarios in my head about everything I'm going to miss with our son. His first day of school. His first girlfriend. His first kiss. I wanted to have more kids Derek. I wanted to have a bunch of kids and I can't even do that. I wanted to go through that adolescent period where they give us hell and threaten to run away. Their proms. Their graduations. Their real life. Grandkids. I'm going to miss all of that and you want to know what I saw, Derek?" He shook his head and stared at her blankly with red and puffy eyes, "I saw you sitting there watching it all. You were so happy and then I'd see you glance over to your right then I saw pain rush all over your face because you realized I wasn't there to see it. You would keep looking for me and I wasn't there." She shook her head, "It hurts me to see you like that." Derek couldn't hide anymore and he broke down then and there. Casey sat up, "Aw, baby. Come here." This time she held him for as long as she could that night.
Not too long after, they were able to sleep. Sleep off just another emotionally draining day.
--Month 3
Casey was just physically a mess now. Everything pained her and all she could really do was stay in bed. She could only do so much in one day and when she did it she felt like she was running on empty. She could hardly hold Matty anymore, all she could do was wait till he got on the bed to give him his kisses or hug him. She was beyond frustrated now. Deep down she knew it was almost over. All the pain would be gone but the pain of losing her family would be one to remain forever.
It was Casey's birthday. She had it in her to stifle a laugh that this probably was one her most boring but loving birthdays. The family all came for a visit and gave her what she wished for: her family to just be around her during this time. She could hardly get out of bed so everyone just hung out in her room. Never in one day had Casey apologized so much while everyone told her it was okay because they understood why things were the way they were.
Here was that night. The night of her birthday. One of greatest nights of her life. She had her husband and her child with her and at that exact time it was all she could ever ask for. "Derek, I'm sorry my little shindig wasn't happening." She let out a light laugh.
He shook his head and smiled as he assured her, "Casey, one of my favorite days was today. Everyone was here for you today. That's all I wanted. It's okay. Stop apologizing. Matty had fun with his Aunt Marti, his Aunt Lizzie, and his Uncle Edwin. His Grandparents too." They both stared down at the little boy sleeping between them.
Casey nodded slowly with a smile, "Not bad for 30, right?"
Derek shared her nod, "You got a family who loves you. You got a husband and a son who will love you forever. So no, not bad at all." He held her hand and intertwined their fingers. Casey's strength was extremely weak and he knew she wasn't able grip or hold his hand as tight as she could before. He didn't care. He wanted to hold her hand forever. He wanted her forever.
He just stared at her and she had that nervous look as to why is he was staring, "Wh-what?"
"Where's the one place you've always wanted to go but never went?"
She smiled and simply said, "Paris."
He brought her hand up to his mouth and planted a kiss, "Let's go." She raised an eyebrow, "Let's go to Paris, Case."
Eyebrow still raised, "What? Now?"
Derek nodded rapidly, "Yes. Now." He stared ahead in front of him and snapped his fingers, "We're in Paris, Case. We're in France." He looked over at her, "Happy Birthday Casey. Can't you see it?" Casey stared at him blankly as if he's lost his mind, "Casey," he whispered, "play along. I'm taking you to Paris."
Casey reluctantly went ahead and joined him, "We're in Paris."
Derek kissed her hand once more and pointed to the corner of the room, "See there's our famous Eiffel Tower. It's beautiful at night right? All the people here at night. The lights." He looked over at her, "There's still a lot of people out at this time, Case." She nodded as tears began to fall. He reached over and gently wiped it, "Casey," he stared back ahead of them, "look at the trees. You see all the trees, the lights and all the people?"
At that moment Casey actually could see it. She could see everything Derek pointed out. They weren't in their bedroom anymore; they were in Paris. Her husband brought her to Paris for her birthday. She smiled and nodded as a few more tears fell, "Yeah, Derek. I see it. I can really see it."
"Good." He smiled. Then Derek looked over to his left, where the empty space was next to their bed. "And here Casey. This is the place I really wanted to show you. To bring you. It's the Siene, Case. I know you always wanted to go there. So I'm taking you now." Casey could see it. She could see that beautiful waterfront that sat there in front of the Eiffel Tower.
"It's beautiful, Derek." She said softly as he wiped more of her tears away, "It really is beautiful. I always pictured us dancing in front." She smiled as she stared over at the space next to him.
"Let's dance. I want to take you dancing." He got up off the bed, "I know we only have so much time before you can't handle it but I'm here to hold you." She nodded and he went over to her side of the bed and helped her up. There they stood.
"Where's the music?" She asked against him as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"It's there. You'll hear it." He started to hum a familiar tune and she held onto him tighter as they danced, "And when I tell you that I love you oh…you're gonna say you love me too…oh…and when I ask you to be mine…you're gonna say you love me too…" Derek wasn't really much of a singer so he just spoke the words.
Casey didn't care if he spoke the words or not. He was making her fall in love with him all over again. She sniffled with a smile as she held onto him, "I love you too." He twirled her slowly and brought her closer as he reached up to wipe her tears. "Whoa I…never realized what a kiss could be…" she gave him a quick peck, "this could only happen to me…" She wrapped her arms around his neck, "can't you see…can't you see…oh…"
"And when I tell you that I love you oh…you're gonna say you love me too…oh…and when I ask you to be mine…you're gonna say you love me too…" a single tear rolled down Derek's face.
"You love me too…you love me too…you love me too…" they both sang in unison as they swayed some more. Both humming and finally it was just quiet as they swayed once more.
He could feel her getting weaker as she stood there, "Happy birthday, Casey." Derek whispered quietly against her.
"This is the best birthday present ever, Derek." She whispered right back to him.
"Anything for you." He helped her back into bed as did he and there the three of them just rested. "I know you're tired, Casey. You should sleep now."
Casey nodded and gave him a kiss. A kiss that was different than all the others. He knew it and she knew it too. She pulled back, "I love you so much."
He shared her nod, "I love you too. Forever."
"Forever," Casey leaned over and gave him one more kiss followed by one more for her son. "I'm ready to sleep now." She simply said. Derek quickly fell asleep and she just couldn't once more. She stared at that blank wall. The wall she knew would become her life. There was one more thing she had to do before she could sleep.
She leaned over and grabbed the video camera and pressed 'Record.'
--
"Daddy, wake up." Matty pinched his Daddy's cheeks to wake him up. Derek groaned jokingly and brought Matty into his arms and continued to tickle him.
"Go wake up, Mommy." He whispered to Matty and they both grinned.
Matty slowly went over to Casey and instead of pinching her cheeks he gave her little kisses instead, "Mommy," he let out in a sing-song voice, "Wake up, Mommy." He gave her more kisses and there still was no movement. "Mommy, come on wake up!" Matty yelled as he laughed. Derek laughed along with him, "Mommy?! Mommy?!" immediately the laugh dissolved off Derek's face instead it was filled with heartbreak. Matty looked over at his pain-faced daddy. "Mommy's not waking up, Daddy."
Derek's immediately started to break down; eyes red along with his nose. Lips quivering as he realized what this meant. Derek hopped off the bed and went over to her side and he could immediately see that she was gone. He held onto her lifeless body tightly and at that moment he never wanted to let go, "Casey." He cried, "Please…no please. Don't leave me." He gave her a bunch of kisses in hopes that she would kiss him back and there was nothing, "Case, please," he whispered against her, "Please."
Matty frowned at his parents, "Daddy?"
Derek sniffled as he continued to hug her, "Yeah, buddy?"
"Mommy's sleeping now?"
Derek pulled back from Casey and immediately broke down some more as he looked at his broken son, "Come here, Matty." Matty walked over and got into Derek's arms as he hugged his child tighter, "Matty," he cried, "she's sleeping now. Remember that she loves you okay?"
Matty nodded and turned to look at his Mommy. He got out of Derek's arms and went over to Casey, "Mommy? I wuv you, k? Now can you wake up?" He gently touched her face, "Come on, Mommy. Wake up now! Daddy said we're gonna go to the park! We can go on the swings! Mommy…" He was quiet as Casey answered him no more, "wake up, Mommy. Please."
Derek couldn't take this anymore. He took Matty back in his arms and held him some more, "Matty, Mommy is sleeping now. She's going to be sleeping now so she doesn't hurt anymore. We don't like seeing Mommy hurt right?" He sniffled.
Matty shook his head and gave his Daddy a lot of hugs and kisses. "Mommy said no more crying, okay? Mommy said hugs and kisses only. No more crying Daddy." He pulled back and wiped Derek's tears, "No more crying."
Derek nodded and gave his son a kiss, "No more crying." He confirmed as a more tears replaced the old ones.
--
It had been two weeks since he said goodbye. Those two weeks had been the hardest two weeks of his life. Adjusting to a home with one less person was the toughest thing he'd ever had to go through. Just as he expected this was too much for him to handle alone. The first night was hard to where he ended up just sleeping next to Matty in his room and he continued to do so. It took all of his strength to go through that door every day. Every day he hoped and wished Casey was just sleeping in bed when he'd walk in and there was no one. The space was now vacant. Going into his closet to just simply change was too much because he was surrounded by all the clothes that belonged to her.
That last day of that second week brought on his toughest battle. Finally sleeping in his own bed. Alone. A part of him just wanted to go run back into Matty's room and stay there forever but he knew. He knew now was the time. He slowly got into his bed. On his side and he looked to his right. The ruffled sheet where his wife rested right before she was taken out of their home for the last time. He silently started to cry alone and he found himself reaching over and grabbing her pillow as he hugged it tight against his chest. The smell that still smelled like his Casey. He buried his head into the pillow and let it all out. All the tears he tried to hide for the last two weeks. He promised he wouldn't cry anymore but right now it was the only thing he found he could do. "Why did you leave me? We were forever, Case. Why…" he cried.
Finally he fell asleep that night. He fell asleep imagining she was still there. Seeing the back of her head; hugging tightly the pillow he imagined her body, "Goodnight, Casey. I love you."
--
Derek had been putting it off. It was his idea and he just couldn't find it in himself to watch any of the things he'd recorded. Today. Today was the day he was going to do it. He couldn't do it alone, though, no. He sat on his recliner with Matty in his lap as Nora, George, Lizzie, Edwin, Marti, and even Dennis gathered around to help him watch this.
There they watched all of it. The fishing trip, the night in bed where they teased one another, trips to the park, visits from the family; they watched it all. It was hard for everyone to watch. Especially Derek. He tried his hardest to hide it and for the most part he was successful. The rest of the family wasn't fooled and they all knew it was tearing him apart inside.
Just as Derek thought it was over, came footage he didn't see. He saw Casey filming herself on that last night. On her birthday. He remembered it vividly. Derek sat up and watched intently as Casey began to speak.
She ran a hand through the front of her hair and smiled as she looked into the camera. "Hey guys. Whoever is watching this…I hope it's all of you. I just," she shrugged, "I just want to tell you how much I love all of you. How much you guys did for me. I know it's going to be hard. I know. I'm the one that has to leave and I feel torn about it. Remember how much, okay?" Casey turned the camera over to a sleeping Matty, "Hey, baby. My little boy," she brought the camera back to her, "You are probably the cutest little monster I have ever seen. Well you're not really a monster, you're a little angel. You look exactly like you're Daddy. It's scary," she stifled a laugh, "I want you to know that you were the best little boy in the world. I love you. Don't ever forget me okay? Don't ever forget how much I love you. How much I'll always be with you. You're my little boy forever," she looked down and tried to compose herself, "Lizzie, Mom, Dad…" she sighed a happy sigh and looked back up, "I don't even know where to begin." Then smile became an arching of the eyebrows as she knew she was going to let the tears fall in front of the camera. No more hiding it. Breaking down one last time, "I just want to tell you I appreciate everything you have done for me. I just love you, you know? I love you guys and I'm gonna miss you. The three Venturi's…" she stifled another laugh as she sniffled, "You guys are amazing. Yeah so it took me a while to get used to guys but I learned to and I'm happy I did. Thanks for the memories because they'll come with me. All of what we had will come with me." She took a deep breath and looked down. "Derek." Derek stared intently; not even caring that his face was soaked. Casey looked back into the camera, "My other baby." She smiled and turned the camera to show a sleeping Derek, "Still so hot. Yeah, it's okay, you can be proud that you're still hot." They all let out a little laugh and Derek continued to watch, "Remember that night Derek where I just couldn't find anything to say?" Derek nodded and gently wiped his tears, "Now. Right now I know exactly what to say, Derek. I know what to tell you. What do I even tell you? I love you? I love you so much? Yeah, I can say that but it wouldn't be enough." She shook her head, "Those little words won't ever be enough because how I feel about you is something more than words." She let out a laugh, "Yeah. Cheesy. I know but it's true. You and Matty…you both will be with me forever. All of you guys watching. Forever. I couldn't find the right words before because I was scared. I wasn't ready. Now I found all these things to tell you guys and it's because I am ready now." She sniffled and wiped her face, "I'm ready to sleep. I'm really ready. Please don't cry anymore because I won't hurt. I'm going to be okay now. I've finally realized this." She nodded slowly to herself, "I realized that I am ready to stop hurting." She looked directly into the lens and to her viewers, "I'm not going to hurt anymore so please guys. Don't hurt too. Just be happy that I had what I had with each and every one of you." Casey took one more deep breath, "So I guess this is it…"
"No!" Derek put Matty down and ran over to the TV. "No! That's not it!"
"That's all I think I can say." Derek shook his head and he ran a hand onto the TV, gently grazing her face as it appeared in front of him. The rest of the family was in tears at the sight of him. They wanted to stop him but they knew they couldn't deprive him of this moment. "My two favorite men," she pointed the camera over to them, "Matty forever. You're forever for me. I love you. Remember how much I loved you because Derek, I'm always going to love you, okay? You took me to Paris." She stifled one last laugh; bringing the camera back to her as she wiped her tears, "Don't cry anymore." She smiled, "Hugs and kisses only, right Matty?" Matty nodded toward his Mommy on the TV. "No more crying because I'm ready." She gave them a kiss, "Goodbye." She smiled once more and turned it off. Blank screen.
"No!!" Derek collapsed as he brought his head down as he buried it in his arms, "Casey…no. Please. No." He broke down in front of everyone and he choked on his sobs. It was hard for everyone to see; each one of them wanting to go there and comfort him but they just didn't know how. Finally he stopped. Derek nodded slowly to himself, "No more crying because you're ready, Case." He wiped his tears and sniffled, "Hugs and kisses only." Matty came over and got into his Daddy's arms to comfort him.
"No more crying. Hugs and kisses only. Mommy said so." Just then the rest of the family gathered around Derek and Matty and they all shared a moment that would've made Casey proud. And they all had a little feeling she was staring down at them during that exact moment.
--
That night he was in bed hugging the pillow that still smelled like his wife; still staring at the blank wall that he predicted would be his life from now on. It would always be the last thing he would always see before he slept.
That night it wasn't a blank wall anymore. It was a memory that clearly showed him his wife and his son. His family. It wasn't so blank anymore and what he would see at the moment, was forever. "Forever, Casey," he quietly whispered as he hugged her pillow, "Forever."
Yeah, it's a downer. Sorry. I just had to post it.
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