Title: Wishful Thinking
Author: Amandab9@aol.com
Rating: R
Spoilers: All's fair game.
Summary: After Angelus torturers Cordy, she reflects.
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own them. Joss and everyone over at UPN still gets to have their fun – for now!
Warning: The darker side of sunny LA.
Note: I realize that this probably is not the best or most original story out there, but please do not flame.
Cordy POV:
Have you ever wanted to be insane?
Begged to some sort of higher power for insanity? I have. I do. Every day and night.
It would be so great to just be some crazy loon. I still hold out hope that my nervous break down is right around the bend, or maybe it already happened and this is all an illusion.
Maybe. But doubtful on both accounts.
One of my favorite games is to play 'Anywhere But Here.' It was always a favorite of mine in SunnyDale but it has lately taken on new meaning.
I will often sit, with the chains digging uncomfortably into my raw flesh, and play a long round of 'Anywhere But Here'. I used to only pick Hawii or the Virgin Islands or somewhere else where everything is perfect.
Now I just pick anywhere. I picked a demon lair a few times, and last time I even picked SunnyDale. That is my all time low.
It's really my fault. I know this. I may not have been stupid enough to sleep with Angel but it probably would have been better if I just had. Then maybe we could have experienced some happiness before all this pain. And then it would be the real Angelus. I would always be able to comfort myself with that.
Sadly, what really happened must be that I pushed him over the edge. I just wanted him to feel better. He was heart broken over the Connor's disappearance. Who could blame him? I wasn't technically related and I loved the little guy more than I could have ever guessed. Angel was his father and he became Angel's everything.
I guess I just tried to too hard, too soon. I angered Angel too much and he snapped. That must be it. Before he ripped out Fred's tongue – and I do mean literally ripped out, he made me watch – the poor girl had tried to convince me it wasn't my fault. Gunn – the only one of us to try to use force against Angel – agreed and said that he had been acting crazy before I returned from my trip with Groo.
I know that they were just trying to make me feel better.
It has to be my fault. Why else would Angel hate me so much? More than Fred and Gunn, and sometimes even more than Wesley. Why else would he be cruel enough to keep me barley alive and tease me by keeping insanity just out of reach?
I remember that the day of Gunn's death, he had sighed when I asked him this and said that if I was convinced I was the cause of Angelus' change – why should he hate me? Wouldn't he be happy and inwardly thankful towards me?
I had simply replied that I couldn't try to understand what made Angelus tick. He was, after all, an unstable vampire.
Gunn had shook his head and told me that it didn't make sense. He had said maybe insanity wasn't to far off for me anymore.
Wishful thinking.
It's all I have left now. No real hope, no friends, no possible means of escape. And no where to go and turn to even if I did. Just chains and pain.
And my wishful thinking.
=(Amanda(=
Author: Amandab9@aol.com
Rating: R
Spoilers: All's fair game.
Summary: After Angelus torturers Cordy, she reflects.
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own them. Joss and everyone over at UPN still gets to have their fun – for now!
Warning: The darker side of sunny LA.
Note: I realize that this probably is not the best or most original story out there, but please do not flame.
Cordy POV:
Have you ever wanted to be insane?
Begged to some sort of higher power for insanity? I have. I do. Every day and night.
It would be so great to just be some crazy loon. I still hold out hope that my nervous break down is right around the bend, or maybe it already happened and this is all an illusion.
Maybe. But doubtful on both accounts.
One of my favorite games is to play 'Anywhere But Here.' It was always a favorite of mine in SunnyDale but it has lately taken on new meaning.
I will often sit, with the chains digging uncomfortably into my raw flesh, and play a long round of 'Anywhere But Here'. I used to only pick Hawii or the Virgin Islands or somewhere else where everything is perfect.
Now I just pick anywhere. I picked a demon lair a few times, and last time I even picked SunnyDale. That is my all time low.
It's really my fault. I know this. I may not have been stupid enough to sleep with Angel but it probably would have been better if I just had. Then maybe we could have experienced some happiness before all this pain. And then it would be the real Angelus. I would always be able to comfort myself with that.
Sadly, what really happened must be that I pushed him over the edge. I just wanted him to feel better. He was heart broken over the Connor's disappearance. Who could blame him? I wasn't technically related and I loved the little guy more than I could have ever guessed. Angel was his father and he became Angel's everything.
I guess I just tried to too hard, too soon. I angered Angel too much and he snapped. That must be it. Before he ripped out Fred's tongue – and I do mean literally ripped out, he made me watch – the poor girl had tried to convince me it wasn't my fault. Gunn – the only one of us to try to use force against Angel – agreed and said that he had been acting crazy before I returned from my trip with Groo.
I know that they were just trying to make me feel better.
It has to be my fault. Why else would Angel hate me so much? More than Fred and Gunn, and sometimes even more than Wesley. Why else would he be cruel enough to keep me barley alive and tease me by keeping insanity just out of reach?
I remember that the day of Gunn's death, he had sighed when I asked him this and said that if I was convinced I was the cause of Angelus' change – why should he hate me? Wouldn't he be happy and inwardly thankful towards me?
I had simply replied that I couldn't try to understand what made Angelus tick. He was, after all, an unstable vampire.
Gunn had shook his head and told me that it didn't make sense. He had said maybe insanity wasn't to far off for me anymore.
Wishful thinking.
It's all I have left now. No real hope, no friends, no possible means of escape. And no where to go and turn to even if I did. Just chains and pain.
And my wishful thinking.
=(Amanda(=