Beyond Instinct
Season: 3 (tag for Maternal Instinct)
Series: None
Rating: R
Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Category: H/C
Spoilers: Maternal Instinct, Forever In a Day
Warnings: non-graphic slash
Disclaimer: The stargate universe and its inhabitants are the sole property of MGM et al. I don't own them. I just like to play with them.
Tag for Maternal Instinct. Jack's thoughts about the mission to Kheb.
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Jack pulled up to the house, relieved to see Daniel's Jeep parked outside. He'd been afraid that after leaving the Base Daniel would be looking for a quiet place to curl up and hide for a few hours while he licked his latest wounds. In short, he had envisioned himself spending half the night trying to track him down.
The mission to Kheb had been a near total failure as far as military objectives went. They were supposed to find the place, find the baby, and bring the little bundle of goa'uld intel back to Earth. He had no idea what the plan had been after that and honestly didn't want to know. No doubt Daniel had imagined bringing the little tyke home and raising him as his own, assuming the NID would wait until the kid was six or seven before they started grilling him for details about his parents and their kind. Jack knew military intelligence a bit better than that. They'd want to snatch the kid the moment his diapered little butt landed on earth and they would do whatever it took to get their hands on him, including talking the President into giving an order for Daniel to release him. Outright kidnapping was not out of the realm of possibility either. In short, bringing the baby back to Earth guaranteed a whole world of heartbreak for Daniel. Jack was more than a little relieved that hadn't happened.
It was small comfort in light of the fact that the mission had also been a near total disaster where Daniel was concerned. In fact, the only thing they had to show for the whole mess was an unexpected lack of injury. That was definitely something worth celebrating, but at the moment it was being eclipsed by combined catastrophe.
The whole mission had been a bad idea, though they had had little choice. Finding that kid had been their main objective since the day Daniel had admitted the boy even existed. Finding an actual location for the mystery called Kheb had been sitting on their To Do list for months. However, bringing Daniel along…well, Jack had been reluctant, but at the same time his hands had been completely tied.
It had been several months since Shau'ri's death and Daniel was doing his best to pull himself back together, but it was slow going. Jack had to admit, he hid it incredibly well when he was at work, burying himself in translations the way he always did when something was bothering him. But his wife's death had been a lot more than a blow below the belt. It had damn near been his undoing. Forget the rug, it had pulled the entire floor right out from under him. Jack knew the feeling and the fact that they were sharing the same house most of the time meant he also knew just how hard it had shaken Daniel despite his determined efforts to pretend it hadn't.
Jack didn't think anyone had really considered what would happen if they finally found Shau'ri. In fact, he wasn't sure anyone really remembered that Daniel's stint at the SGC was supposed to be temporary. He was only on the team until he found her and then it was bye-bye Earth and he was back to being the tribal mascot on Abydos. After so much time he wasn't sure how much any of them had really believed that would ever happen. Jack wasn't even sure just how much he had believed it would ever happen. And then it had.
The minute he'd heard the story Jack had known the loss would shake Daniel. After all, it was his wife. She had died mere inches from him…literally within reach, but he hadn't been able to save her. It was the ultimate slap in the face considering how long and hard he had worked to track her down. But Jack hadn't had any idea how hard that loss would really hit.
Apparently Daniel had been keeping the peace inside by continually reminding himself that the SGC wasn't permanent. Masquerading as a soldier wasn't permanent. He was just doing what he had to do to find Shau'ri. One day he would rescue her, go back to Abydos and the whole nightmare would be over. With her dead the dream of returning to the peaceful life he had never intended to leave in the first place disintegrated into a pile of sand and suddenly he was trapped. He couldn't leave because he had promised Shau'ri he would find her baby, but Jack got the distinct impression the SGC was literally the last place on Earth Daniel wanted to be any more. His old life as what some would call a crackpot archaeologist had dried up and blown away ages ago. His replacement life on Abydos had just done the same. He didn't know where to go or what to do so he was hanging out in the only place he had left and part of him hated every minute of it.
When Daniel had made the announcement that they had found the stargate address for Kheb it was the first time in months Jack had seen a light in his eyes. At that moment he would have been willing to agree to anything just to keep it there. If Daniel wanted to go to Kheb then they were going to Kheb, end of story. Finding military reasons for Hammond to approve the mission had been a snap, especially with Bra'tac adding his two cents to the discussion. However, as they had suited up in the locker room Jack had begun to doubt the wisdom of bringing Daniel along. Yes, they needed the baby. Yes, they had to get to the little squirt before Apophis did. But he wasn't so sure Daniel should be part of the team. If things went wrong it could be devastating and he couldn't exactly trust Daniel to put emotions aside and follow orders. Not where this was concerned. However, he'd kept his mouth shut.
Jack had been giving Daniel a lot of leeway lately, pretty much letting him do whatever he wanted just to ease the look of misery in his eyes. But he had to admit, there were moments when he knew he was compromising his own judgment a little just to make whatever Daniel wanted to happen, happen. Not a lot, but enough for it to register that he was letting his feelings for Daniel dance in and out of his decision making. It was bad. It was an incredibly dumb thing to do because he knew that if things got tough in the middle of a mission and he had to put his foot down Daniel would take it as a slap in the face. He was too emotionally wounded to be objective at that point. In other words, Jack was playing with fire and had been for months.
Stepping through the gate to Kheb Jack had been a touch uneasy. When they realized Apophis' kids had gotten there first he had been absolutely certain letting Daniel go with them had been the worst idea he'd ever had. His gut had been churning the entire march across the planet as they had tracked the Jaffa. What if their hunt led to a dead end? What if it didn't and they realized the kid had been taken prisoner by his goa'uld daddy? At that point he hadn't even been willing to consider that something might happen to the kid on the planet…not until Bra'tac had found the woman with a staff burn in her back. For an instant his heart had stopped beating. What if the Jaffa had killed the kid? Daniel didn't need to see it; definitely DID NOT need to see that. However, there wasn't a lot he could do to prevent it. If he tried to usher him off to the side, out of view of the baby he would fight him. That wasn't who Daniel was. He didn't want to be sheltered from anything even when it was for his own good. Thankfully, the moment when the image of a dead infant was burned into all their minds had never come.
Jack had most definitely dodged a bullet there on several levels.
After that their little goose chase had led to the temple and, well, there was no point denying it, that was yet another bad idea. He'd known it, but heaven help him he would have traded the world and his military career for the look on Daniel's face in that temple. The light, the energy, the unbridled excitement Jack hadn't seen in he had no idea how long was painted all over him and at that point Jack would have been willing to do anything he had asked. In fact, he had. Patiently waiting for six hours while Daniel played Spin the Wheel of Enlightenment with the monk guy was not something he would have been willing to do on a typical mission. In fact, any other mission, any other time, any other planet he would have pulled the plug after two hours and ordered a search of the place. But he'd let his feelings get in the way.
The coupe de grace had been the brief demonstration of Daniel's new abilities. If Jack hadn't figured it out before then that certainly would have been the wake up call. At that moment, even before he'd known about the Jaffa troops, Jack had known in his gut that the mission was going to end badly. Something about the fact that Daniel had decided to go native made that inevitable. Somewhere along the line there would be an argument. Jack would order Daniel to pack it in, Daniel would refuse and he would be forced to tie him up and have him frog marched back to the gate by Teal'c and Bra'tac. Jack had watched the entire scene play out in his mind clear as day and had cringed in anticipation. The urge to launch into a tirade that started with "Damn it, Daniel…" and continued from there had been almost uncontrollable, but Jack knew he had no one to blame, but himself.
In the end they hadn't actually been blown to bits by Apophis' goons. He hadn't been forced to hog tie Daniel and carry him off the planet. They hadn't had a stand off with the aliens that apparently only spoke in riddles, wrestling for custody of the kid, but the mission had ended badly nonetheless. The look on Daniel's face when one of the glowing beings had flown off with the baby had been all the proof Jack needed.
They were all safe and sound. No injuries, no casualties, no real harm done…except to Daniel. In that moment time had rewound and Jack had found himself staring into the same pained and fundamentally disturbed face he'd seen the day they had brought Daniel back from rescuing the Abydonians with a hand device burn on his forehead. What had started out as a mission to ease a little of his pain had apparently only added to it and Jack had begun cursing himself at that moment. He had no idea how he could have stopped Daniel from going with them on that mission, but he should have tried. He would rather have Daniel completely pissed at him than see that look of devastation on his face again.
As if to prove the point that he had come through the ordeal anything, but unscathed Daniel had hardly spoken a word after the very unconvincing "yeah" in response to the unnecessary question of whether or not he was alright. Yes, it had been a stupid question. Of course he wasn't ok and Jack had no idea why he'd bothered to even ask.
Daniel had made the entire walk back to the gate in silence, his thoughts elsewhere as evidenced by the fundamentally disturbed expression on his face. He'd sat through his post-mission physical in silence answering questions with a shake or a nod of his head, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Thankfully Frasier had known enough about the history of the kid (not to mention being practiced in translating Daniel's facial expressions) to realize that there wasn't anything physically wrong with him so confining him to a gurney for observation wasn't necessary. He'd typed up notes for his mission report in silence and then Jack had sent him home. He could rehash the details of the mission later.
That had been over two hours ago.
Jack wandered into the house to find Daniel sitting in the den, eyes closed, and his head rested against the back of the couch. Once again, it was not what he had been expecting. He didn't know exactly why he had thought Daniel would be running for cover, hiding out, but he had. Sitting right out in the open in the first room Jack would check was a complete departure from the game of hide and seek he'd been expecting. On one hand he was relieved Daniel didn't find it necessary to hide what he was feeling from him. On the other he couldn't help thinking it was a glaring indicator of his level of emotional devastation. He was so turned inside out and upside down that he didn't know where to hide. He wasn't even hugging himself the way he typically did when things were coming apart at the seams. He was just…sitting.
The baby was safe, or so they assumed. Still, it was the last tangible piece of Shau'ri and it had just flown right out of Daniel's hands. All he had left were memories and regrets. Jack knew that territory well. The hope of bringing any kind of positive out of the whole mess had flown away with the kid.
"Hey." He said quietly from where he stood at the top of the steps.
Daniel rolled his face toward the sound and slowly opened his eyes giving Jack an unobstructed view of the misery inside. Jack grimaced at the sight. This time he felt absolutely no need to ask if Daniel was ok. There was no point in making him lie. He closed his eyes again as Jack settled on the couch next to him.
"I'm sorry, Danny." He finally offered after several moments of burrowing through his mind for something to say.
Daniel merely nodded at the ceiling.
"Maybe it's for the best." He added hesitantly. "At least this way we know the NID won't get their grimy little hands on him. Neither will Apophis."
Daniel nodded again, his face twitching as he obviously fought the urge to dissolve into a puddle of tears.
"Come here." Jack pulled Daniel into his arms, holding him tightly as Daniel buried his face in his shoulder.
Jack had no idea what to say, probably because there was really nothing to say. It was a complete mess and putting words to it wouldn't change that. He knew from first hand experience that words were useless. People that had no idea what mourning was about would offer them anyway, but they typically just made things worse. Jack wasn't foolish enough to think otherwise. As much as he longed to offer some type of comfort he knew there was really nothing he could say or do to ease Daniel's pain. Nothing, but hold him, rock him, and wait for it to pass. So that's what he did. Rocking him gently right where they sat on the couch he let Daniel cling to him, bits of his shirt held tightly in Daniel's hands.
Jack had no idea when he'd fallen asleep. It certainly hadn't been part of the plan, but suddenly he was awake, staring at the ceiling, his arms empty. At some point Daniel had curled up in a ball on the couch and fallen asleep as well, his head rested in Jack's lap, his long, lean body tucked into a near fetal position. Gingerly lifting his head from the back of the couch Jack winced at cramped muscles in his neck. Definitely time to move to more comfortable accommodations. Gently, slowly he began carding fingers through Daniel's hair reluctantly drawing him from his dreams.
"Come on." Jack urged when bleary blue eyes scowled questioningly up at him. "Let's go to bed."
Without complaint Daniel unfolded himself from the couch and allowed Jack to usher him through the house, turning off lights as they went. Even half asleep Jack knew that waking Daniel in the middle of the night and not getting any type of argument about it was a bad thing. As if it hadn't been obvious before, it certainly was then. They were starting all over again at square one.
Jack woke the next morning to the smell of coffee and knew without needing to open his eyes that the reason Daniel wasn't pressed against him in bed was because he was already up. On any given day Daniel slept making some type of physical contact. Most of the time he was nestled against Jack's back, an arm wrapped around him. At the very least he slept with a hand rested on him somewhere, almost as if Jack was his own personal security blanket. Jack didn't mind in the slightest.
Crawling out of bed he followed the scent to the kitchen, passing Daniel at the dinning room table, his laptop powered up and a small collection of books and papers scattered around it. Jack wasn't even remotely surprised. Work was how Daniel coped. At least he had found a way to pull himself together enough to do that. It was a start.
Wandering into the kitchen Jack poured himself a mug of coffee from the half full carafe idly wondering just how long Daniel had been up. The carafe being half full didn't necessarily answer the question since there was no guarantee that it was the first pot he'd made. For all Jack knew it could have been his third. Still, he wasn't going to bother with lectures about Daniel needing to get enough rest or replace some of his coffee with food. Daniel was a big boy. He would sleep when he was too exhausted to stay awake. He would eat when the hunger became too distracting to ignore, and the night before a mission he would pack it in relatively early to ensure he had the energy to trek across whatever planet they were visiting. He knew the rules. He also knew if he wore himself down far enough for Frasier to notice she wouldn't hesitate to haul him into the infirmary by the scruff of his neck so he tended to ride that line as closely as he could without crossing it.
To each his own. They all dealt with catastrophe in their own way.
In short, Daniel was doing what he could to keep putting one foot in front of the other when Jack knew he didn't want to. He wanted to give up, to quit trying, to admit defeat and lie down and die. But he wasn't. Something inside simply wouldn't let him and Jack thanked his lucky stars for that stubborn, inexhaustible, whatever it was.
"Had breakfast yet?" Jack asked, sipping at his coffee.
Daniel shook his head.
"Any requests?"
Daniel shook his head.
"Ok. You mull it over. I'm going to hit the shower." He said, resting a hand on Daniel's shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze before placing a kiss on the top of his head and shuffling back down the hall.
It was far too early in the game for Daniel to be a fountain of conversation. He was working. He was interacting when he had to. For the time being that was more than enough. Jack knew the rest would come in time and if they could keep the wheels from falling off anything else for the next few months that would certainly help. Jack stepped into the shower wondering what the odds were that they'd actually pull that off.