Roxas' POV

I woke up sore and dizzy, sighing when I saw that my boyfriend was still asleep. Axel must have known that I snuck in sometime at night since he was sleeping with his back towards me, as if to prove that he was mad at me. I couldn't blame him. I never bothered to hide the fact that I was cheating on him anymore; it was so routine that everyone knew. Everyone knew that I was with Axel but slept with anyone who would take me. Everyone knew I was a slut. Axel knew, but he still loved me. He hated how I treated him, but no matter how much he threatened to leave, he never would. He was the hottest and most sincere guy I had ever met, but I still treated him like shit. He would make sweet love to me, hold me through the night and my nightmares, he would constantly tell me he loved me, and in return I slept with anyone, guy or girl, who was up for it. When he first found out I cheated on him, he cried. He made me feel so guilty that I promised him I wouldn't do it again. But I did. And after that, he told me I had one more chance. When I broke that warning, he admitted that he couldn't leave me. From then on, we accepted our relationship as it is, or should I say, how it isn't.

Every day it's the same game of us fighting, yelling, occasionally hitting each other, and in the end I run off to fuck or be fucked by someone other than my boyfriend, and when I get kicked out of their place, I come back to Axel. He would complain about being the rebound of someone else's fuck buddy when he should be the only, and when I yell back, he gives up. He tries hard to make me feel better, he tries to promise that we'll always be together, he swears to do anything to make us work. But the better he treats me, the worse I treat him. It's like a sad pathetic game that I get myself stuck in and no matter how much I hate myself for it, I can't stop.

Sometimes, when things get really heated, he leaves first. He takes off on his motorcycle and ignores me for a day or two. That's the worst, because it turns me bipolar. As he's leaving the house, I get furious. I yell at him, threaten him, throw shit at him even as he's out the door, and I flip him off as he rides in the distance. While he's gone, I cry. I cry because I'm alone and I'm hurt and I don't even deserve it. I don't deserve to miss him. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as Axel to miss and watch in sorrow as he leaves. Then I get excited, promising myself to treat him better when he returns. I swear on my life that I'll be the boyfriend he deserves, and sometimes for the first few hours of his return, I do. But any little thing triggers our old behaviors and we're back to where we started. Back to the yelling, the hitting, the constant fighting that drives us farther apart.

I knew one of those days was going to happen today because I cheated on him again last night. We got into a big fight over something so stupid, I don't even remember. I just remember yelling at him and every time he tells me to calm down, I yell louder. He started yelling too, telling me to shut the fuck up so he could sleep and I flipped out and started throwing shit and he told me to fuck off, so I did. I ran all the way to Zexion's house, since he's my current boy toy. We had a quickie and I knew I had to be back sometime after Axel fell asleep but before it was too late. When I showed up he was indeed asleep, but when I woke up and his back was towards me, I knew that he knew I was home.

And that's where I am now. Watching my adorable, perfect, beautiful boyfriend sleep, wondering who I'm going to cheat on him with next, because I'm stuck in this pattern of making my shitty life worse. His friends and mine think I'm nothing but shit for how I treat him. And they're right. I should be thankful for how lucky I am to have someone so sexy and kind as he is, but I'm not. I abuse him and take advantage of him and now that I know I can get away with it, I can't stop.

I don't always hate him. There are times when all I want is to be with him. Usually it's when he hates me that I love him. We're never on the same page. When he threatens to leave and when he yells at me, I cry to make him feel guilty so we can make up and cuddle. But when he loves me tenderly and wholly, I mistreat him. And I hate myself for it. And the more I hate myself, the more I miss him, but I can't act like it, because I'm too stubborn and prideful to ever admit it. So I continue to hate myself and act like I hate him, when in reality, I'd do anything to be who he deserves, if only I knew how.

I sat up, trying not to wake him up, but I failed miserably.

"Where'd you go?" Axel asked, sitting up without looking at me.

"Zexion's." I never lied to him, there wasn't a need anymore.

"Did you fuck him?" He asked, straight to the point.

"No." Again I didn't lie. Zexion fucked me. When Axel and I fought because I was angry and spiteful, I slept with a guy and let him take top. When Axel and I fought because he hurt my feelings and I felt a lack of control, I slept with a girl so I could manipulate her and feel like I had control over something.

"Get up." He said, nudging me off the bed.

"Stop!" I yelled, too tired to do as he said.

"Get up and walk." I knew what he was getting at, and I knew I'd only start another fight if I agreed.

"No."

"You let him fuck you, didn't you?" I don't know why he asked, it wasn't anything new and even our friends knew better than to question.

"Why do you care?" this was my usual way of starting fights I didn't want but always got stuck in.

"Because I'm your boyfriend! I'm the only one who should be in there!" He said, pointing to my ass as I sat on it.

"Well you're not. It's your damn fault for kicking me out yesterday."

"Only because you were throwing shit at me!" Axel waved his arms up, and I knew where this was heading.

"Well you pissed me off." I shrugged simply.

"You're pissing me off now." Axel sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked with sarcasm at the situation.

"You guna go fuck someone?" Axel asked, serious and I felt guilty.

"I don't know." I said quietly, wishing I hadn't said anything. Axel sighed.

"Why are we even together Rox? You obviously don't love me."

"Don't say that." I hated hearing that. I hated hearing that more than anything because deep down I knew it wasn't true. I wasn't capable of being a great boyfriend, but that didn't mean that I didn't love. I hardly knew what love was, and the only love I knew was because of Axel. I knew deep in my heart that I couldn't love any of the one night stands' I had, but I loved Axel because he was faithful and loving in return.

"If you loved me you wouldn't be looking for it elsewhere." Axel intertwined his fingers together and placed them under his chin, thinking.

"I love you Axe," I said, honestly but not enough for Axel to be convinced.

"Then prove it dammit!" Axel snapped. He's usual calm and even tempered and able to maintain a state of cool, but for weeks we've been fighting like this nonstop, it was only a matter of time before he'd crack.

"Alright, I will." I said, perhaps with too much attitude for him. I stood up and exited the room.

"Stop being a little bitch." He threw a pillow at me as I made my way to the kitchen, following me with more in his hands.

"Stop throwing shit at me!" I overreacted, like usual, opening the fridge to find something edible.

"What are you guna do? Kick me out of MY house so I can go cheat on you with some other slut?" Axel slammed the fridge door shut while I was trying to search for a meal.

"What do you mean some other slut?" I took this offensively.

"You heard me! You're a slut. You're nothing but a fucking dirty slut!" Axel pushed me onto the kitchen table roughly.

"Stop!" my eyes were starting to water; they always did when someone became too rough with me because my dad used to beat the living shit out of me when I was little.

"Why? So you can go run off and fuck some girl's pussy? So you can treat her like a hole, because that's the only part of her you care about for the few hours you do care? You're so selfish and cruel! Taking advantage of people, then leaving them like trash on a curb so you can come back here and take advantage of me! Well I'm done with it! I'm done with your bullshit! If you're guna treat bitches like a hole, then that's how I'm guna treat you!" Axel ripped off my pants, then his, and as I squirmed in resistance, he fucked my dry and hard on the table.

"Stoooop! Please!" I cried, hating the lack of affection and care that Axel always had when we made love.

"Shut up!" he yelled and I cried louder. I screamed, angry and hurt and feeling worthless. Good job Axe, mission complete.

"Sorry," I begged for him to stop and he did. No matter how hard he may have wanted to, he couldn't be a monster. It just wasn't him. He didn't know how to be cruel; he didn't know how to be heartless, because even when he fought at his angriest, I knew I deserved it.

"Me too," He pulled out and walked away, and I sat there crying. I looked down at myself, not even hard because I got no pleasure of his roughness. When I sat up slowly, I noticed a hickey on my thigh that Zexion must have given me. I sighed, feeling guiltier than ever for letting Axel see it, since I usually put make-up over such scars.

"Where are you going?" I asked, zipping my jeans while I watched him grab his helmet.

"I need some space Rox." He put on a leather jacket.

"Can, can you wait?" I always needed to snuggle after sex; it was my way of feeling wanted and not remembering the other sick twisted things my dad used to do to me.

"No," He said simply.

"Please? I need you." He knew what I meant by that, how I needed to be reassured of my self-worth.

"Maybe when I get back Roxy." He opened the door and I yelled.

"You cant leave me!" I stomped my foot.

"You leave me all the time, so don't give me that bullshit!" he turned around, his hands in fists.

"Let's just talk about it," I tried to distract him from leaving, but he didn't buy it, since he knew how much I hated talking about our issues.

"I said maybe later." He went out the door and I chased after. I picked up a picture frame and threw it at him, but he ignored the pain and the echoing sound of the shattering glass. He straddled his motorcycle and sped off, flipping me off after he noticed I was flipping him off.

I went back inside and slammed the door, ready to start what I had expected.

I went to him room, cried out my frustration, then made my usual promise to treat him better. I even made a little sign…ok I wrote on lined paper "SORRY", and left it on the coffee table in the living room, right where he can't miss it. I cried myself to sleep, waking up four hours later due to the exhaustion both physical and emotional.

I knew Axel was home because I woke up with the blankets pulled up perfectly and even across my chest. I slept like a tornado, moving and kicking violently in my sleep. Axel was the opposite. Even in his deepest of sleep, he can remain perfectly still. He never complained how much I accidentally kicked him at night, or how often I stole his blankets or shoved him to the edge. Instead, he'd hold me and use me to keep him warm. Damn. Now I missed him more than ever. I wanted to jump out and run to him, throwing my arms around him and admitting I was the wrong one. But I couldn't do that, because I was too shamed to shame myself even more.

Instead, I quietly got up and snuck into the hall to peak into the kitchen. He had changed into black cargo pants, a dark green lose shirt, and his hair was tied into a ponytail, revealing how truly beautiful his face is. I watched him prepare some raw meat to BBQ when I realized that today was the day he was having friends over.

"You staying for the BBQ?" He asked and I wondered how long he had known I was standing there.

"Am I welcomed?" I asked from my corner, not too sure if he was angry or upset still.

"You live here too Roxas." He said, not looking at me at all.

I entered the kitchen and rested my back against the fridge. "Who's coming?"

"Demyx, his boyfriend Xigbar, Saix and his boyfriend Xemnas, and I think Marluxia is coming too. You can invite Sora and Riku if you want."

I thought for a moment. Demyx was Axel's number one best friend ever. And, he was gorgeous. If he wasn't so close to Axel, I'd probably try to make a move on him. He was cute, sweet, and always put everyone in a good mood. I was jealous of Xigbar for having him, even though I don't know how those two landed up together. But I'm not one to judge relationships. Saix and Xemnas were ok in my book, so I didn't mind being around them. Marluxia was cool, and pretty for a guy. His natural pink hair made him embrace his homosexuality before the rest of us did, but he's really smart and creative and artistic, and I like talking with him. It distracts me from the chaotic life I set up for myself. And of course, I'd love to see my twin, Sora. Even though we lived in the same city, we hardly saw each other. We were twenty years old but lived two totally different lifestyles. I lived with my dad growing up, wishing I hadn't. Sora stayed with our mom, who never wanted me, because I looked exactly like my dad. Sora is happy, cheerful, peppy, adorable, and my life. Despite our never seeing each other, we share a bond no one could ever break. And his boyfriend Riku is amazing and treats Sora perfectly. I trust him to take care of my baby twin. For the same reason, I know Sora likes Axel. Sora used to lecture me when he found out I would get drunk and cheat on Axel, but he also knows that Axel is the best option for me. I think Sora thinks that if I were single, there would be nothing to stop me from running away to a worse lifestyle or even killing myself. Axel keeps me as controlled as anyone ever had, and Sora respects how hard Axel works to maintain that.

"Ok, I'll call Sora." I said, rushing to my cell phone and inviting him over. With just thirty minutes before everyone was about to show up, I knew I had to fix things with Axel.

"Axe, can we talk?"

"About?" He was loading cans of soda and beer into the cooler. Axel was twenty two and most of his friends were the same age or a year older, except Riku who was twenty one.

"About us. I don't want to fight while people are over."

"You don't want Sora to worry." Axel translated.

"Yeah," I admitted.

"Well it's not like we plan on fighting, or at least I don't." Axel rolled his eyes.

"Are you saying I do?" I balled my fists.

"See, you snap so easily over nothing. That's what I'm talking about." Axel stood up and stretched.

"I'm sorry," I crossed my arms, trying to relax.

"Just calm down. I love you, ok?" Axel grabbed my wrists and pulled me into a hug I couldn't refuse. He still hadn't cuddled with me since he fucked me against my will.

"I love you too Axe." I said, breaking the hug to go get ready.