Santana

Have you ever been in love with someone that quite possibly hates you?

I have. In fact, I am right now. And I'm starting to think whatever happens, I always will be. Well, maybe that's a bit over dramatic. (Thanks for that, Berry) But still, I truly think I'm in love with Quinn Fabray.

You know what really sucks? It's not that she's a girl and I'm a girl and this is Lima freaking Ohio. It's not that she's got Ken (er... Sam) trailing around after her everywhere she goes, because we all know I can get rid of him if I need to. And it isn't that Brittany is in love with me and I really don't want to break her heart, cause I love her as my best friend.

It's what I said before. Quinn probably hates me. To be honest, she should hate me. I'd only be getting what I deserve. I've put her through hell and back again countless times with insults, cat fights, and God knows what else. And through the whole time I tortured her, I loved her. And you don't pull that kind of shit on someone you love. Well, you shouldn't. But I did.

I'd like to be able to say that it was only the old grade school "torture the person you like so they don't suspect a thing" trick, but really, that was only a small part of the reason I've tortured Quinn. I hate myself for it, but I care more about maintaining an image and keeping up my popularity. Well, that's not really true (I love more Quinn more than anything, I've figured out) but somehow I must always fill this obsessive need I have to be at the top. That's one thing both she and I share, that hunger for power and popularity. But the difference is, Quinn makes exceptions. She lets people in. She lets herself love other people.

She doesn't give up on popularity and the like, but sometimes she gives in.

No matter how hard I try, I can't make myself stop being a bitch to her. Maybe I'm just afraid of what she would say if she knew. Of what other people would say. I know Quinn doesn't have problems with homosexuality (although actually I'm bisexual) but still, how would she react to being loved by another girl? Especially because she probably despises me.

That's why she's never going to know that I love her more than anything. More than cheer leading, more than glee, more than food (because yeah, I'd totally be a fat ass if it weren't for Sue Sylvester), more than life itself.

Sometimes, I still fantasize what it would be like to let her know. I know exactly how I'd tell her, too. In song, of course. (Rachel Berry really has had too much of an effect on me... But whatever. It's probably more of a positive change. Not that I'd ever tell the dwarf that.) I also know exactly what song I'd use. I'd pull out my acoustic guitar (don't be so surprised, there's no way I could be named Santana and not be able to play the guitar) and I would open up my heart and let everything out. There's this one song that really expresses what I feel about Quinn perfectly. Every time I hear it I feel like crying because I'm such a goddamn coward. But I can't stop listening to it.

It's the torture I deserve for putting Quinn through hell, for caring more about social standings, and for just not having the courage to say three little words. It's like my personal form of cutting. The song hurts so much it feels good.

How fucking jacked up is that?

Really, how fucking jacked up is my whole life?

"When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.
I know you haven't made your mind up yet.
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met.
No doubt in my mind where you belong.
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you.
I'd go crawling down the aisle for you.
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free.
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet.
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the earth for you,
Make you happy, make your dreams come true,
To make you feel my love."

Quinn

Have you ever been in love with the wrong person?

I have. I am.

I should be in love with Sam. I should love him because he's really a great guy and he loves me. But I can't find anything within myself to love him. And I feel horrible, just stringing him along like this. I'm going to have to end it someday, but I'll keep delaying it. Or maybe I should just let it go on. God knows I'm a pretty good actor (just ask Finn) and there's no way I'll ever get with the person I'm actually in love with. Maybe I should just marry Sam someday (seeing as he already gave me that ring) and have kids with and just grow old with. I could do it. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But I just couldn't be in love with him.

But that's wrong. I can't do that to Sam.

Not that it's right to be in love with Santana Lopez instead.

Yup, you read that right.

In every single way, Santana is completely the wrong person for me to love. She's a bitch, she only cares about popularity and power, and she hates me. Not to mention that she's a girl.

No, I don't have a problem with homosexuality. It's just weird for me, because I'm fairly sure I'm straight. Or at least mostly straight. I know it's possible for a straight person to fall in love with a gay person, and vice versa (well, because... duh... I've done it) but it's hard to get used to. I don't believe God has a problem with gay people. While I do respect that he made marriage for a man and a woman, I don't believe all the "God hates the gays" crap. He loves us all equally, because he made us all how he wants us to be.

So with that in mind, am I supposed to be in love with Santana? Probably not. But since when have I ever done what I'm supposed to do? It's gotten me in a whole lot of trouble before and I guess it's going to be keep doing so.

It's completely aware of how ridiculous this is. There's no way she'll ever love me. I've taken Head Cheerio from her. And in Santana's eyes, I'm dead meat. So we trade insults and snipes and we get into the occasional cat fight. And it just completely sucks that through all that, she'll never know that it kills me. All I want is to take it all back and just hug her and tell her she means the world to me.

Because that would go over just fabulously. She'd probably just punch me and call me a bunch of names that I'm not going to even think of right now. That would just hurt too much.

Christ, everything with Santana hurts. She's too beautiful to look at half the time and when she sings I feel like I'm being pulled into pieces (in a good way though). And her words. Oh, her words. Almost everything she says to me just makes me want to die. Not that I'm suicidal or anything, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to be in this world anymore.

But then there's those moments. When I think she's just watching me. Not with hate or malice or anything. Or when she'll give me a compliment at Cheerio's practice that sounds sarcastic and not at all like she means it, but her eyes say something else, that she actually does mean it. Or when she sings at glee. When Santana sings, she's free. You can tell she lets all the pressure put on her by herself and Sue and everybody just go. She lives in the song, and it's beautiful. These are the moments when I know that I love her.

Despite everything she does to me, despite everything I do to her, I love Santana Lopez. I always will, even though she'll never feel anything near the same back.

And that just freaking sucks.

A/N: So how was it? This is my first Quinntana. They're my OTP, so I can only hope I did them justice. Please review and tell me what you thought! Seriously, reviews mean the world to me!