Disclaimer: nothing is mine. Not One Tree Hill. Not the song Lightning Crashes. Nothing. As always, that's final.
AN: I obviously don't have the word 'discipline' in my vocabulary. I should be working on getting all the rewriting done for my other fic, but instead I wrote a new one. Makes total sense, doesn't it? Anyway, as always, this fic is about Peyton and Nathan. It's set somewhere around five years into the future and wasn't at all inspired by the song 'Lightning Crashes' from Live. But I thought it was a catchy title. Alrighty, you know the drill - let me know what you think! Thanks :) And Enjoy!
Summary: She was his haven, the one he would turn to when life got the best of him. But what will he do when she is gone?
The man opens his eyes and sees a thunderstorm rolling in from across the sea.
The sky darkens, the wind picks up and lightning crashes in the distance. He is fascinated by the sudden change of atmosphere and not at all scared. It almost seems like the perfect ending to this day – to go out with a bang. Just like she did.
She is gone now, but for him, nothing will change. She will always be in his heart. Because those people who say you never forget your first love, those people are right. You never do. She was and would always be his first true love. Nothing could change that, not even her death.
He knows his wife begs to differ, believing she is his first love. And most of the time it doesn't bother him that she does. He knows she needs to hold on to that, so she can deny their failing marriage. But sometimes, when their arguments get the best of him, he will tell her otherwise. He will tell her that she's not the one who can be held accountable of changing him. He will tell her that somebody else had done that, long before she even came into the picture. And sometimes, he will even say her name.
Peyton Sawyer.
He still is fascinated by the impact that name has on his wife. As soon as those words role off his tongue, he can see the colour disappearing from her face, while her eyes narrow. Her lips will be pressed together and her fists clenched. Most of the time she will turn around and walk away, making him sleep on the couch that night. But sometimes tears come to her eyes and she will beg him to let go of her, to focus on their marriage and not reminisce about past girlfriends.
The man leans back in the damp sand and watches as the lightning increases. He counts the time between the flash of lightning and the deafening sound of the thunder, knowing he is safe. For now.
That is what she was to him, Peyton. She was his haven, the one he would turn to when life got the best of him. That is why he gets agitated when his wife talks about her as some random girlfriend. She was so much more than that.
Over the years they got closer to each other by their vulnerabilities and their weaknesses. A lot of them which they shared. Together they were afraid to let people in, afraid of the unknown and scared about what the future would bring them.
Peyton was the one who wouldn't let her guards down, who counted on him more than she ever did on someone else and who was afraid he would leave her one day.
He was afraid to turn into his Father, to let down the people that meant something to him and scared that one day she would shut him out as well.
But they found comfort in each other, as well as strength and the ability to be brave and face their fears. But most of all they found hope. When they did, they felt like they were on top of the world and nothing or no one could touch them. They felt alive. Those days were the best and something he will always remember, knowing there won't be a lot of days like that for a while. Maybe never.
The man lowers his head and doesn't try to hide from the rain that begins to fall. He knows it is her way of showing she is still around, that she won't let herself be forgotten that easy. He smiles and looks at the dark sky, closing his eyes as he feels the rain touching his skin. Lightning and thunder now only come seconds after each other and he knows it is time to go.
He gets up and walks over to his car, thinking it may be a good idea to take a trip down memory lane.
He pulls over at Tree Hill High, his old high school. Their old high school. This is where they met, about thirteen years ago. She was a skinny girl with a mess of curls framing her face. He was a skinny but tall basketball player, who fell for her right away. There was this hint of sadness in her eyes that made him curious. It wasn't until after they had broken up, that he finally found out where that sadness came from.
Back then, he thought he could change the world. His cockiness made him think he could change her too, that he could make her happy again. He was wrong. Their relationship was nothing more than sex, fights and more sex. And, if there was one thing that he had changed about her, it was that she was even more sad after their relationship, than she was when they started.
It hurts to look back on those days, when he didn't care about anyone but himself. He remembers how miserable he felt after their break-up, how it made him change into the man he is today. It was all Peyton's doing. And even though she has never said anything about it, he knows she was aware of that. She knew she was the reason he is a better man now and he could tell she was proud of that.
She was proud of him as well, something she has said numerous times. But even if she didn't say anything, he could tell by the way she looked at him. There would be this sparkle in her eyes that he didn't get to see that often. It meant so much to him that she somehow still cared enough about him, to be friends with him after their split. A friendship that, at least until now, was a lifesaver for the both of them.
He smiles at the memories of her and pulls up. For a moment he is confused and doesn't know where he should go next, but he soon finds himself driving by her old house. The house where he would go when he was in need of a friend and where the door was always open. He stops and listen to the rain on his roof as he looks at the house.
She would always be in her room, either drawing or listening to music, almost like she was waiting for him to come around. Not even looking up when he entered her room. She always waited patiently for him to start talking. Sometimes he just laid down on her bed, without saying a word. It didn't take her long to join him and they would lay there for hours. Finding comfort in the other one's presence. When they grew older, they sometimes found their comfort in alcohol. There have been times when they both were in such a dark place, that the only way out was to numb the pain. He asked her once why they stopped doing that, but she had shrugged and said she didn't know. He liked to believe they became better people, who could start facing their fears instead of trying to make them go away. They grew up.
The man sighs and drives off again. He passes the River court, but doesn't stop. That court has meaning to him, but not to them. She never cared for basketball anymore after they stopped dating. He passes Tree Hill's main street and sees the traffic lights change from orange to red. He stops and suddenly he can feel the knot that forms in his throat and notices his mouth is getting dry. He swallows and tries to ignore the tears that are coming to his eyes.
This is the place where Peyton died last week. She ran a red light and got hit by a truck.
She never ran a red light. Never. Because that is how her Mother died - she ran a red light when she wanted to pick Peyton up from school.
That was where the sadness in Peyton's eyes came from. She told him that once, but not before they had broken up. They didn't talk that much during their relationship. She tried though, but he would brush her off and tell her to stop whining.
He liked to think he made up for that when they were friends. Often she would call him in the middle of the night, when she couldn't sleep. He would put his phone next to his ear and listen to her soft voice as he stared at the ceiling. It became more difficult when he got married. Of course he had told her she could always call, but she knew better than to call him at night, with his wife sleeping next to him.
Instead she started recording messages, which she sent by email. He would put them on his iPod and listen to them when he was at practice. She knew and usually added some encouraging words in the middle of her recordings. Something that always made him smile. There she was, talking about her fears and then all of a sudden she would say something like Go on, Nate! Kick some ass today!
He rubs his eyes and shakes his head, he still can't believe she is gone. But he knows it was her own choice. It had to be.
Why else would she ran that red light on the same day her mother died twenty years ago. Why else would she havesent him that last email, saying that no matter what happens, she will always look out for him. Why else would she have given him her favorite record the last time he went by her house, telling him that he can find comfort in the words of the songs. He knows she has been planning this for a long time and even though it hurts, he is ok with it.
He can understand why she did it. When life sets you back so many times like it did her, you get tired. She had been fighting life for such a long time now, with everyday battles that kept getting worse and now matter how much she fought, all these bad things kept happening to her. He understands why she got too tired and why she gave up fighting. Sometimes he wishes he could do the same.
He takes a deep breath and heads off to see her. It doesn't matter that she is gone, she will always be there for him. She will always be his haven in times of need.
He pulls over at the cemetery and gets out, noticing the rain has stopped. He has been here earlier today, at her funeral. But there were too many people around, who wouldn't leave, when all he wanted was some time alone at her grave.
That is why he told his wife to go home, alone. He told her he would like to have some time and she understood. She said she did, anyway. But he could sense she was irritated that even after her death, Peyton still held a big piece of her husband's heart. He ignored it and told her he would be home late and that she shouldn't wait up for him.
He walks over to her grave and sits down. Just like old times, he doesn't say a word. He touches her stone and lowers his head. As he does, a ray of sun breaks through the clouds. A small smile forms around his lips and he gently nods.
"I know, Sawyer. I miss you too."
- FIN -