A.N: Here we go again! Here's the begining of the end everyone.

Warning: This story is rated M for the reasons that fallow. Drug abuse/sexual contact/and bad language/ and maybe a lemon

Diary Of Jane

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Chapter One: Rock Bottom

Things weren't getting better even five months after my visit with Sasuke. My mind was being over flooded with crazy thoughts and I had no way of controlling them. The only thing that kept me from losing it was the medication that Tsunade prescribed to me the kind that would dull my brain when I was being over thrown by the madness. Right at the moment I was in the depths of the drug's haze. I'd taken five pills only five and I felt like nothing mattered. Nothing at all mattered.

If Sakura or Hinata were being tortured to death in front of my eyes I wouldn't care. I felt my eyes close then open again. I swung in the hammock carelessly taking in the chemical smell of paint and the earthy wet smell of my new orders of clay sitting on my kitchen table. Normally I would have been ecstatic about getting clay finally but at the moment art didn't seem all that of a big deal. Something in my head found this as wrong but the drugs made me ignore it so I did.

The hours felt like seconds but when I looked up it was nearly noon and Hinata's daily knock on the door would be coming up shortly. I could see her in my mind's eye walking up the stares on the side of my house onto the porch and knock contently on the door. I'd open it a few second later and I'd blame my grogginess on lack of sleep rather then drug abuse. I hated lying to her of all people; she's my best and practically only friend.

The other ninja hang out with me when Hinata is around but I know they dislike me. I'm the strain on her and Naruto's relationship and I haven't talked to Sakura since the night she had to sleep on my floor because her good for nothing husband kicked her out of the house. I felt utterly to blame for everyone's troubles, a burden, and a criminal who lucked out for his charm.

I was about to open the bottle of medication for another high when someone knocked on the door. Surprised I for the hundredth time wavered in the hammock as I snapped up and fell on my face to the hard wood. The hammock sung back and hit me in the back of the head as I got up. Lovely…

"Morning Pearl," I said with a grumbled as I opened the door to meet her moon light eyes.

"It's one in the afternoon Deidara," she said with a smile. It was windy out and her long indigo black hair was flying around behind her. "Have you even eaten anything?"

"I had a granola bar yesterday hmm," I said and smirked when she gave me a dissatisfied look.

"You're going to get sick," she snapped letting herself in and I closed the door after her. "And your so talented at cooking it's amazing that you don't make yourself good meals!"

"Art takes a toll on you I guess yeah," I stated as she opened my near empty cupboards in search of any good food. I didn't have much food I couldn't afford both art supplies and full shelves of food. And of course art is the greatest necessity in life. "Tsunade's not giving me any missions," I said annoyed and crossing my arms "the only money I'm making is selling paintings. Lucky for me traveling merchants will buy anything artsy so they can sell it God knows where for double the price they give me for it hmm."

"You're so depressing," she sighed taking out a box of ramen noodles that probably expired a few months ago. "Don't worry Tsunade will have need of you soon," she said with a smile "the winter solstice is coming up soon and she wants to celebrate with a bang!" My eyes widened a little "She's going to set up an arena so you can show your art…your real art."

"Really?" I blinked thinking this was probably to good to be true.

"Yeah the money made will go straight to your rent," she said with a spring in her step as she began to boil some water.

"Why didn't she tell me?" I asked leaning back on the door and hiding the excitement I felt.

"Because you didn't go to the meeting this morning," Hinata replied a dull annoyance in her voice.

"There was a meeting today hmm?" I gapped like a fish. She nodded at me and I slapped my forehead. "Shit."

"Shit is right," she said turning back to her noodles and put the whole box of it into the bubbling water. "Tsunade was hung over and she wasn't in the mood to send for someone to get you. So you missed the whole thing."

"Hmm that sucks," I sighed sliding a chair out for myself and planted into it. I grumbled resting my cheek in my hand. "You look nice today hmm," I said noticing that she wore deep blue cashmere sweater and a grey pencil shirt. I could see every line of her curves with enough to leave to the imagination. Hinata was always beautiful but she never wore anything so fitting.

She turned to look at me with a slight tint to her cheeks. So cute. "Thanks," she said before going back to her cooking. I rolled my eyes and blew at my bangs watching the strands of hair fly up before drifting back to the exact place they where before. After a little while of silence and playing with my hair she came over to me and put a bowl of ramen in front of me. "Eat okay? I have a date with Naruto so I can't stay any longer."

"Yeah fine Ma," I teased her and she blushed again as she left. I rolled my eyes and turned on my craptastic TV and watched the afternoon cartoons as I ate the steaming bowl of ramen. I didn't think about how long the box had been sitting in the cupboard as I ate. Now what am I suppose to do all day?

"Hey Ino-Chan!" I greeted as I entered her family flower shop. Some how I'd been able to drag four canvases to the other side of town with me each canvas having a painting of a flower. One a rose, a branch of cherry blossoms, another was a white lotus, and the last was a sun flower all three on big eleven by seventeen canvas. "I have the paintings you wanted for the shop hmm," I called and soon Ino came out from the back of the store.

"Oh hi Deidara-san," she said warily "let me see?"

I nodded and showed her the pieces. I had put up four still lives for myself to work off from and it was a hell of a lot easier to get them to look like what the costumer wanted so I'd get the money I needed. If I'd been completely off on what Ino wanted for the store I'd have to do each painting over. That would be a waste of my supplies so might as well do it right the first time.

"Oh I love them!" she gushed looking at each of the flower paintings. "Let me go get my purse and I'll pay for them now okay?" She smiled and sprinted off. I watched her go off and half smirked. The girl was nice and all but she was rather simple and I bored of her bubbly personality quickly.

The bell on the door ringed behind me and I looked over my shoulder curiously still holding the rose and sunflower paintings and propping the other two up with my legs. I nearly fell over and the cheery blossom painting did fall over when my leg moved to quickly.

"Shit," I growled looking back at the canvas as the person at the door came around. I stared noiselessly at her as she picked up the painting and looked at it.

"Looks nice," Sakura said before moving her green eyes up at me. "But I didn't think you where into this kind of stuff."

"I make money off it hmm," I said still staring at her perfect face and the coy smile on her lips.

"I guess you'll be the residential artist then? Besides Sai of course," she said still holding the painting in front of her.

"Sai isn't an artist yeah," I said and again she smiled.

"And you are?" she asked and I glared. "You really should be less judgmental it's not a good quality for someone who says they are an artist. Artists are open-minded aren't they?" I made a face and she giggled before putting the painting down and leaving to the back room that Ino had gone to get her purse.

"Evil woman hmm," I muttered to myself as Ino came back to the main area of the store. She smiled at me and gave me my money. I gave her the paintings in return feeling no emotional contact with the pieces because of course it wasn't art it was just work.

"Oh and here you go," Ino said giving me a tulip "as an extra gift for doing such a beautiful job."

"Um thank you," I said taking the plant's stem gingerly in one hand. Yeah like I said Ino was nice and all but a bit soft in the head. I smiled awkwardly and left quickly. Rather then take the road I jumped up onto the roof of the flower shop. I looked at the tulip annoyed and put in the back pocket of my black pants. "Lovely I'm going to be jumping around with this stupid flower in my pocket un," I said to myself as I jumped roof top to roof top back to my studio apartment in down town main street.

Once home I took the stupid flower out of my pocket and into a coffee mug with a teddy bear on it filled with water. I put the cup down in the middle of my dinning table next to my TV. I stared at the flower. It was yellow, the color of happiness, warmth, and friendship. How ironic that this flower would end up in my depressing, cold, and lonely house.

Yellow is also the color of flames you know. As is red, orange, black and blue.

I looked dully over to the counter top where my bottle of pills sat. I stared at the brown see through plastic bottle with the white cap and orange tape around its belly.

Come on Deidara! No one can harm you if you've already killed them!

I walked over to the counter and opened the bottle. I spilled some pills on the stone and picked three up and popped them into my mouth. Curiously I picked up another pill and pushed it between the lips of my hand. The mouth ground the pill with its strong teeth and it transferred straight into my charka system. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I stepped backwards my vision becoming blurred and I saw sudden flashes of color. Disorientated I tripped and fell on my back onto the stone floor of the kitchen. My nervous system went into a spasm and soon I was knocked out. Cold.

Sorry for the short first chapter but it kind of just ended itself lolz