Title: Few Words

Author: lisacheerio85/Lisa12

Notes: Alex/Olivia friendship and E/O, set early in season 13.

I would love to continue this, but I have issues straying too far from canon even when I don't agree with it *sigh*

This is my first SVU fic, and it just popped into my head during a recent viewing marathon, but I've been writing fic for ages, including XFiles and The Practice - they're all on but low-and-behold, I don't remember the old email addresses and passwords I once used!

Standard ff disclaimer here - I don't own the show, the characters etc.

Enjoy! :-)

VVVV

"So this is what you do in your free time?" Alex Cabot asked as she approached the woman standing on the edge of the grassy pitch. Olivia Benson had her back to her friend and was focused on watching a dozen teenage girls in two lines, gloves on, throwing and catching softballs in jeans and jerseys. Olivia did not turn around right away, but the long brown ponytail that stuck out the back of her baseball cap bobbed in the evening breeze, and Alex noticed the subtle tilt of Olivia's head; she had been heard.

Olivia waited until Alex was standing right beside her to speak.

"I just help out," she said. She stuffed her hands into the warm pockets of her jeans and pursed her lips. It was an expression that Alex saw out of the corner of her eyes, and she smiled. She wanted to put Olivia at ease, she was not there to interrogate her, and the fact Olivia had even told her to meet her at some random sports oval spoke volumes. Alex wasn't sure what it spoke volumes about yet, but she would find out.

Before Alex could ask, Olivia stepped away. The movement was so abrupt it almost felt like she yanked herself sideways, and she strode forward a few steps.

"Girls!" she called. She kept her hands in her pockets. "Come in, it's getting late…and it's friggin' freezing!"

Alex hung back, arms folded over her coat and around her waist, and she watched the way the teenagers responded. They were all African American girls, and while she knew she and Olivia didn't care about that specifically, Alex didn't know if it meant anything either. When she had sent Olivia a text message seeing if she wanted to go to dinner, this had not been what she expected.

One of the girls, short and slender, threw a softball to her partner before running over to Olivia. She was practically bouncing, and her grin was wide, the way she cocked her head towards Olivia was friendly, even affectionate.

"You could have joined us Livvie, then you wouldn't be so freezing."

Alex's stomach did a turn as Olivia simply gestured to her left arm, and the bandage hidden beneath her layers, which itself hid another wound to add to her tally.

"Yeah, yeah," the girl said to Olivia's silent gesture. "Poor, defenseless, Detective Benson with her sore arm. Just scared we'll whip you?"

"At throwing and catching?" Olivia asked. "Well…yeah."

The girls all laughed as they gathered in, and Olivia wrapped an arm around the petite girl beside her. She gave her back a rub.

"So are we ready for the game Thursday night?" she asked. They all nodded. "And I am really gonna be there this time."

"Yeah right," one of the taller girls in the group said with a laugh.

"No, really," Olivia said. "I got some time off." She shrugged, but before the girls could express what Alex saw was genuine surprise and concern, Olivia turned back and gestured to Alex. Alex walked forward a few steps as Olivia finally looked her in the eyes and smiled. "This is my friend Alex," she said.

"Is she a cop?" one of the girls asked.

"No, I'm a lawyer," Alex said with a close-lipped smile.

"Is she your girlfriend?" another girl sang coyly.

"No," Olivia said with a soft laugh. "No we're just going out for dinner tonight. Does anyone need a lift?"

No, they all said. Some were being picked up by parents or boyfriends, and Alex stood with them all on the street until it was just herself, Olivia, and the short girl still standing beside her.

"He's late," the girl said on a sigh as she scuffed her sneakers into the pavement. "Big surprise."

"He'll be here," Olivia promised. She glanced at Alex and smiled softly again. "We'll wait," she said. Alex just nodded. It was not as though they had reservations anywhere, and even if they did, Olivia was never going to leave until she was sure every single teenager was on their way home safely.

After another few minutes, a car pulled up and instead of the father figure Alex had expected, a woman was behind the wheel. The girl immediately relaxed. The mother, Alex assumed.

Olivia still had her arm around the back of the girl beside her, and gave her a brief squeeze before she let go.

"Tell your dad I said hello," she said.

"Thanks Olivia," the driver said with a wide smile.

"No worries," Olivia replied as she waved. "Bye Jorja."

"See you Liv," the girl said. "Thanks for tonight."

Alex waited until the car had disappeared into the evening traffic before turning to Olivia. The wind had picked up and they smiled at each other. Caution flickered in Olivia's brown eyes. It had not been an easy few months.

"I'm not the coach," Olivia said before Alex had a chance to ask. "More like the assistant coach. We tag-team. The coach couldn't make it tonight, so I couldn't miss it."

"I thought I'd find you at home resting," Alex finally said. Olivia smirked and looked back in the direction the car had left. "Who are they?" Alex asked.

"Well, the vice captain there who I just put in a car…is Jorja Ellis."

"Am I supposed to know who that is?" Alex asked, still confused about why Olivia had asked her to come. Olivia only shrugged.

"What do you feel like for dinner?" she asked without answering Alex.

"If you're up for it we could go out," Alex replied. "But I put in a vote for Chinese at your place? We could grab it on the way."

"Sounds good," Olivia said with a grin. She sighed, finally allowing Alex to see how tired and drawn she really was. "My arm does kind of hurt," she added softly. A blush tinged her pale cheeks and Alex pressed her lips together and smiled kindly as she nodded.

"Well you were shot," she said matter-of-factly. "And you didn't drive here yourself, so I'm going to take you home."

VVVV

Olivia winced as she eased her left arm out of her jacket, while Alex spread the takeout containers across the coffee table in the living room.

"Do we want plates," Alex asked. "Or are we just going to eat out of the boxes?"

"Boxes," Olivia said with a sigh as she threw her jacket over the arm of the couch and collapsed onto it. "God, I'm getting old. What an awful few days, right?"

"Awful few months," Alex mumbled. She walked into the kitchen and collected two forks, and then headed back. Olivia smirked at her; she had heard.

"So this dinner invite," Olivia asked as Alex came to sit beside her. "Just checking up on me on my first night out of hospital?"

"Sort of," Alex said. "And I wanted to apologise, I guess."

Olivia seemed genuinely confused by that. Her mouth fell open and her brown eyes were wide as she turned to stare at Alex.

"What for?" she asked.

"Oh," Alex said on a sigh. "I probably haven't been the best friend, that's all. You got shot and-"

"And it was a through-and-through that practically grazed me," Olivia said with a laugh. "Really, everyone is making such a fuss. I didn't lose consciousness, I spent one night in hospital, and we got the guy."

"Still," Alex said softly. "There was…a discussion in the hallway that I was a part of and I realised maybe you might feel a bit lonely tonight, so-"

"Whoa, hold up," Olivia said. She sat forward and wrapped her right hand around her left bicep, feeling the bandage underneath her sweater. "What discussion? In what hallway?"

"The hallway of the hospital," Alex said. She cleared her throat as her eyes looked anywhere but into Olivia's eyes. "You were with the doctors, getting an x-ray and all that, and before you deny it I know all about the bullet that hit your vest too."

"I don't have any broken ribs," Olivia said seriously. "Alex, I'm okay."

"Yeah I know," Alex said. Olivia frowned at how sad Alex sounded as she leant forward and picked at the box of plain rice. Olivia leant in towards her and nudged her gently with her shoulder. It got Alex's attention, and they stared into one another's eyes. Olivia nailed her friend with a serious, inquiring stare.

"What was the discussion in the hospital about?" she asked.

"I shouldn't even have told you," Alex said. She stood and began pacing, and Olivia raised her eyebrows as she leant back against the couch to watch her. "It's none of my business, and you've said as much a hundred times, but I can't get it out of my head you know? I'm sorry Olivia, I'm so sorry."

"About what?" she asked. Alex stared at her and suddenly Olivia knew. She exhaled with wide eyes and breathlessly just said, "Elliott". Before Alex could explain, Olivia put her guard back up. Her eyes narrowed, her lips pursed and she offered Alex little more than a one-shoulder shrug. "What about him?" she asked.

"There was a discussion in the hallway of the hospital…about whether or not to call him. I felt like I should have said something, but I didn't know what to say."

"Excuse me?" Olivia asked. Her eyebrows rose way up into her forehead as she sat forward and gripped her bandaged arm. "Did somebody call him?"

"Me? No, not at all," Alex said as she waved her arms in front of her and returned to the couch. "No, I just heard them-"

"Who?"

"Finn, Munch, Cragen, the new kids, Casey-"

"Casey?" Olivia asked. She touched her hand to her chest. She got shot, and Casey hadn't even stuck around to say hello?

"Yeah, she uh, couldn't stay."

"Obviously," Olivia said with a frown. "Have I been that much of a bitch?"

"A little," Alex said with a wary smirk thank Olivia thankfully returned.

"Please tell me that nobody called Elliott," she said.

"Not that I know," Alex said.

Olivia let out a sigh of relief and nodded.

"I mean," Alex continued. "We knew it wasn't too serious, and it was more of a hypothetical conversation about whether he would be told if, uh-"

"If I wasn't wearing the Kevlar?" Olivia asked. Alex nodded. "And?"

"And all I heard was Cragen shut down the discussion to say that if that happened it would be his decision and they needed to stop talking about this now. I think he saw me coming, and they all shut up once I was standing in their faces."

"Good."

"I just thought you should know," Alex said. She looked at her hands and picked at one of her nails. "I know you miss him. I wanted to see you tonight because I thought you might be missing him a little more, you know uh, feeling vulnerable."

Olivia found herself nodding and she hated that she felt her lower lip quiver just as Alex looked over at her. Maybe if she had been feeling less vulnerable she might have insisted that she never needed nor expected Elliott to be there, and what would he have done anyway, stopped her from getting shot? Maybe. Maybe he would have been the one to go down. All the maybes just didn't matter, though; they belonged in the past or a parallel universe.

"Thanks for the company, Alex," was all she managed to say.

"Have you ever heard-"

"No," Olivia said quickly. No, Elliott hadn't communicated with her at all, but she really, really did not want to focus on her broken heart. It was too much, and she could not talk about it.

"Okay," Alex said on a whisper. "So how long have you been coaching softball?"

"Not long," Olivia admitted. Her voice was choked and tears stung her eyes.

"They seem to love having you around."

"They're good kids," Olivia said. "Jorja Ellis is the daughter of Bayard Ellis, Alex. That was her mom who picked her up. Nice people."

"Bayard Ellis," Alex said. "The defence attorney?"

"Yeah," Olivia said.

Alex's mouth fell open as she shook her head; at a loss.

"H-h-how?" she asked. "How?"

"He saw I was having a hard time, I think," Olivia said. "Invited me to come along…and I did. He's the coach. I just help out." A tear trickled down her cheek. "I wanted to tell you."

"Why?" Alex asked.

"I don't know, really," Olivia said. She let go of her arm and clasped her hands together over her knees as she leant forwards in her seat. "Because he's a defence attorney, because you're my friend, and he is, I think. I haven't made a new friend in so long it's hard to tell. Maybe I just asked you to meet me there because I want you to believe that I'm all right."

Alex hesitated before answering. When she did, she reached out and wrapped a hand around Olivia's wrists.

"I don't know Bayard Ellis personally," she said. "I'm sure he's a good man. But I do know you, Liv, and you're going to be fine."

"Yeah, I know," Olivia said with a sad smile as she met Alex's eyes.

"Hey," Alex said when she saw a tear trickle down Olivia's cheek. "I know you love him, but Stabler's a prick."

"No," Olivia said softly. "I mean he is and if I saw him again I'd kick his ass, but…he's not, he's not one of the bad guys. He's just not coping. Wherever he is, I know that's true. I know it."

"Have you thought about trying to find him?" Alex asked. "He can't be that far away, you know? He's got a family here."

"I know," Olivia said. "And I know where they are." She smiled sadly and shook her had as Alex watched her carefully. "But what would I say?" she asked. "Why should I be the one to go to him? And what would I say?"

"You said that already," Alex pointed out with a clever little smirk. Olivia scoffed and rolled her eyes, but she wasn't upset by Alex's natural fastidiousness.

"Well…it's an important question," she said. "Don't you think?"

Alex's smile widened as she nodded, and both of them chuckled a little.

"Yeah okay," Alex said. "My only question would be right hook or left, but if you want to use your words, hon, I can't stop you."

"You're hilarious," Olivia said. Her stomach rumbled, and she finally reached for the food and started to eat. Alex smiled and Olivia shot her a look. "Don't look so pleased with yourself. At least I still have words."

"This is true," Alex said. "So your arm…healed in no time?"

"Yeah, I think so. I have a few days, and the new kids, well, they'll do."

"High praise," Alex remarked. Olivia nodded and relaxed back into her chair again. "You'll get over him you know," she added. Olivia looked at her friend. She pressed her lips together and shook her head.

"No, I don't think I will," she said. "I mean, Alex, I can move on, I can get a new partner, keep doing the job, maybe even have a life on the side. The truth is I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that it doesn't seem to matter if I'm feeling angry or betrayed or sad or confused or alone or just tired…he's always there in my head, my best friend. I don't hate him and I don't want to forget him, and if he turned up on my doorstep tomorrow I don't know how I would feel or what I would say, and maybe I wouldn't feel anything at all; I'm talking shit, I know."

"I think I understand," Alex said. Olivia looked at her seriously. "The way I left people, when I went into witness protection…there were things I'd left unsaid at the time."

"Have you said them now?"

"Some," Alex said. "We're still friends, I like that."

"Me too," Olivia said with a small smile. She did not have many.

"I know Elliott still cares about you, wherever he is," Alex said softly. Olivia bit her lower lip and looked away as Alex continued to speak. "I know he robbed you of that closure…and I know that's hard to deal with, for him, from that perspective."

"I know that," Olivia said. "That's why I've been so worried, but I hate him for not saying goodbye, and I hate myself for never telling him everything I wanted to say, and I can't stand that everyone keeps looking at me like they know exactly how sad or angry or conflicted I am, because Alex half the time I'm just numb. We…we never even kissed, and I know that everyone thinks…that they assume…we had crossed a line, and what does that make me?"

"I'm sorry," Alex said on a whisper. "I don't think that. I know you both never-"

"Yeah I know, but here you are talking to me about a conversation the guys all had behind my back about whether or not to call my old partner and tell him I'd been shot, as though he would rush right over, as though I'd fall apart if he didn't. It's crap, I'm not that kind of person." She sighed and tossed her fork onto the coffee table. "But I've been defensive about it lately, and I'm sorry."

"Well…sometimes it takes me awhile to figure out how best to talk to people about things," Alex admitted with a squint. "I might have pushed the wrong button, at the wrong time. We're good though, right?"

"Hey," Olivia said with a smile and a wiggle of her eyebrows. "I don't invite just anyone to put my hair in a ponytail when I'm sitting in hospital bored out of my mind."

"Well I haven't put anyone's hair in a ponytail since I was a little girl playing with my Barbie dolls, so you're welcome."

They laughed again, and Olivia sighed as she stood and began to pace around in an uptight circle and gesture to herself as she spoke.

"You know," she said to Alex. "I stopped trying to contact Elliott. I just couldn't take the rejection. My whole life, I have been rejected, and it's okay when I know it's because I won't let someone in, but when I do, and when they know everything, everything about me…he's just shoving it right back in my face. He's putting me through a pattern that I thought had been broken…and being ignored, and being rejected like that, he knows what he's doing and he's being selfish and thoughtless and he's putting me through Hell to try to save himself, and his marriage, and I never asked him to risk either of those things. I never would have done that."

"I know," Alex said softly. "Feeling a little pissed off, Liv?"

"It comes and goes," Olivia admitted with a glance at her friend's bemused face. "Just don't remind me how much this must be hurting him too and you'll be fine."

Alex held up her hands in surrender and let Olivia pace in silence for several minutes. She ate some of their dinner and watched her friend thinking to herself, trying to control herself. Alex had no idea how Olivia was still standing after a rough few days with a full-on case that ended in hospital, but Alex would take a minimally injured Olivia on a rampage than a critically injured Olivia in intensive care any day. Give her a week or so, and she would be back on the job like nothing ever happened, maybe even feeling a little better than they all knew she had been.

"Am I a fool?" Olivia asked suddenly. The woman had her hands on her hips and her lips pursed in a determined stare.

Alex narrowed her eyes. She shook her head.

"I've never had a partner, Olivia," Alex said softly. "Not really. I don't think you're a fool. I think Elliott's going to wake up one day and realize what an asshole he's been; he's the fool."

Tears filled Olivia's eyes as she looked down at her friend. She tried to say the words but couldn't on her first try. She held her good hand to her chest and then let it fall away. She tried again. Alex waited patiently until Olivia found her voice.

"The thing is?" she said. "I loved him."

She had never admitted it aloud before, and it hurt to say it but she knew that she had to, and she had to make it past tense because she didn't know what would happen in the future, and she couldn't let her old partner control her that way; she wouldn't let him control her that way.

"He's the only one I ever let get close enough," she said nonetheless. "And he knew that."

"I'm sorry," Alex said as she stood. She walked up to Olivia and hugged her. She knew it was a rare thing, but it was also necessary. If they were two people with everyday jobs and an everyday friendship maybe they might have hugged more.

"I'm really tired Alex," Olivia whispered as she leant into her friend's embrace and rested her forehead on Alex's shoulder.

"I know hon," Alex whispered. "Go and get some sleep. I'll clean up, and I'll stay awhile."

"Thank you," Olivia said. For once she did not argue, she stepped back and offered the always-serious Alex a smile. Alex met her eyes, and it was hard to read her but Olivia suddenly didn't care; her friend was there, and that was what mattered. "Thank you," she whispered a second time, more emphatically, before she drew further away and walked off in the direction of her room.

She switched on the lamp by her bed and reached for her bedside table's top drawer. Checking to make sure that Alex had not followed her, Olivia looked over her shoulder as she opened the drawer and her hands found the scrap of paper she had looked at more than once in recent weeks.

The address and phone number of Kathleen Stabler was printed there in her own rough handwriting. Elliott's second eldest daughter; Olivia had always felt closest to Kathleen, Olivia had helped her in the past, and in a moment of weakness she had looked her up and written down her details…but Olivia had not acted on it.

If Elliott was happy – and Olivia hoped that he was even if she did want to smack him halfway to Texas – then was there really any point? What was there to say? He had made his choice, and she had to get on with making some of her own. She could be happy, right?

"Liv?" Alex called. Olivia put the paper back in the drawer and slammed it shut. She turned around just as Alex appeared in the doorway to her room.

"Yeah?" she asked, a little too eagerly.

Alex hesitated as her eyes went directly to the drawer Olivia was blatantly standing right in front of, but she smiled eventually.

"I just wanted to add, about the conversation in the hallway this morning…those guys, discussing whether or not to call El, and Cragen shutting it down with a 'no way'…you're important to them. They were just worried about you, they want you to be happy."

"Yeah, I know," Olivia said softly as she smiled.

"You know where Elliott is, don't you," Alex simply said. She did not take her eyes off Olivia's as they stared at each other. Olivia shrugged.

"I don't know if I want to," she said.

Alex nodded and returned to the living room. Olivia had not really given her an answer; it could have been a yes or a maybe, but it was not a no. She reached into the pocket of her jacket and felt the piece of paper folded up there. On it was the handwritten message she had received by office mail weeks ago, something she hadn't done anything about, and something she probably never would do anything about. Olivia didn't need it. It said too much, and it still didn't say any of it to her.

VVVV