ME: I am so sorry for not having updated The Future Menace and The Empire Cracks Down in a while, my loyal fans. I have been busy with things, including the fact that I'm starting college next week. Here's a comedic one-shot as an apology.
With the Trade Federation's current blockade and upcoming invasion of my home planet, Naboo, I have an opportunity to both undermine Chancellor Valorum and generate sympathy for myself. Thankfully the Neimoidians in charge of that shipping company are dumb enough to pull something like this at my command.
(Senator Sheev Palpatine of the Chommel sector, musing in private prior to the Invasion of Naboo)
Viceroy Nute Gunray of the Trade Federation was a nervous and unhappy man. True, something needed to be done in response to the increased taxes levied by the meddling Senate. However, he had been reluctant to initiate a blockade of Naboo if only out of pragmatism, and now wondered why Lord Sidious ever thought it had been a good idea.
"Viceroy Gunray, you are to kill the Jedi Ambassadors and send your ground forces to Naboo," the cloaked Human said via hologram. "An invasion will succeed where the blockade has failed at achieving our goals."
Gunray shook his head. "My lord, I do not think our current course of action or the one you are proposing are the solutions we desire," he said in protest.
Though his face was shrouded by the hood of his cloak, Palpatine grit his teeth in irritation. He hadn't expected Gunray to have much of a spine, but now of all times the Neimoidian businessman had chosen to show some backbone against the Sith Lord. "Why, Viceroy?" he asked.
"This blockade was an economically foolish action from the start," said Gunray, hoping that Lord Sidious would forgive him for explaining the obvious facts. "The ships we assigned to this blockade have been unable to transport cargo or defend Federation convoys as a result, the battle droids aboard our vessels here in the Naboo system are not guarding our infrastructure or fleet, and with Naboo blockaded we have cut off access to an entire planetary market." Gurnay shook his head. "Are you sure this is a wise course of action, Lord Sidious? Because my invest-."
Palpatine lifted his right hand and brought his thumb and forefinger together, and following that gesture Gunray began to choke. "You have one job, Gunray," he hissed. "And that is to do what you are told. If your investors really lack confidence in you and your fellow Neimoidians, I suggest that they take their money and put it in a Banking Clan mutual fund or something similar. Am I clear?"
"Y-yes, m-my l-lord!" Gunray squealed. "M-mercy, p-please!"
Palpatine released his grip on the Viceroy. "I'm going to contact you again in about twenty-four hours or so, Viceroy," he said. "If I am dissatisfied with your handling of the situation, you will die. In that case, perhaps your successor as leader of the Trade Federation will know to mind his-or her-tongue. Now follow your orders."
The transmission ended, and Gunray did his best to avoid whimpering at the thought of facing Sidious's wrath once again.
Back on Coruscant, Palpatine sighed as he poured himself a drink. If I have to choose between having to deal with beings like Gunray and modeling kilts, he thought before consuming the alcoholic beverage, modeling kilts will risk becoming more appealing to me than ruling the galaxy.
ME: Let's be honest, the Trade Federation shot itself in the foot in TPM. With a shotgun. Loaded with explosive rounds.
This story is dedicated to Kenny Baker and Erik Bauersfeld, both of whom have passed away.
Ian McDiarmid is Scottish, so I figured I may as well reference that by having Palpatine think of kilt modeling.