Disclaimer: Me no own-y da Kenshin. Or anything. I is broke former high school student who is about to become broke college student. And I'm not about to make any money from this, either. Darn.
Erm. Yes, another parody. Written at about one in the morning...heaven preserve us. Note that my parodying of a genre of fanfiction does not necessarily mean that I do not like any fics of the genre. For instance, there are a number of wonderful Kenshin torture fanfics out there that I love...and I've been known to torture the poor redhead just as much as any writer...ehe. However, any genre can be done badly, so...here we are. I guess. x3
I may write more recipes...I don't know at this point, but Jupe-san says I should. XD (Jupe-san: Darn right you should!)
The RurouKen Fanfic Cookbook
by misaoshiru
Recipe 1: How to Write a Kenshin Torture Fic
1. Take a small Kenshin and one cup peril. Mix in a large bowl as so:
"Kenshin," said Kaoru/Megumi/Misao/Tsubame/Saitou/Sano/(Mary Sue of Choice) sweetly. "I have to go out of town for the afternoon for (insert lame reason of choice.) Would you please watch the rather large, carnivorous pit bull I somehow accumulated for plot development?'
"Sessha thinks that sounds very painful de gozaru." (Tip: Whatever you do, do NOT forget to sprinkle in frequent sesshas, de gozarus, kawaiis, and any other Japanese words you may know in any fanfic, regardless of whether it makes sense or is even an anime/manga fandom. it meks u suond sarmt!!one)
"…I'll have hawt secks with you when I get back if you do."
"Hot dog! …Sessha means that sounds very secksy…damn it. Er. What sessha really means is that sessha can do that after all, Kaoru/Megumi/Misao/Tsubame/ Saitou/Sano/(Mary Sue of Choice)-dono. De gozaru yo."
"Kawaii! I mean, sugoi! I mean…what's the word for 'thank you,' again?"
"Arigatou?"
"Arigatou, Kenshin!'
"Oro."
(Tip: Be sure to insert lots of random symbols for your scene break. They look secksy! If fanfiction(dot)net kills your formatting, you can always substitute in random naughty words.)
assassassassassass
(See? Isn't that a funny scene break? I think so, anyway.)
"Holy crapmuffin on a stick," Kenshin muttered at the sight of the hugest, meanest, most rabidest dog he had ever seen. It growled at him. "Well, maybe it's not as mean as it looks…"
It was.
2. Lather, rinse, repeat. Er, I mean, add in more torture slowly while continuing to stir.
It took all of Kenshin's shinsoku (see how much kewler I look than if I'd used "godlike speed," even though they mean the same thing?) to stay one step ahead of the Beast from Hell. Apparently, its doglike speed was every bit as good. (Tip: Puns make your fic funneh. No, really!) At this rate, it looked like he was going to tire out before it did. Then, Himura Kenshin had a Brilliant Idea: he climbed a tree.
"Ha. Hahaha. Take that, inu. (Kawaii! Inuyasha!) Fear the power of opposable thumbs!"
And then the branch broke. (Tip: Always use plot twists the reader can see coming a mile away. Nobody likes surprises.)
Great. Now his ass hurt. Also, he had the distinct feeling he was forgetting something important…
"Bark! Bark! DIE, PUNY HUMAN! I mean, BARK!"
…Oh, yeah. Demon Dog of Doom, Despair, Death, and Demise. Duh.
3. Add a dash of embarrassment.
"Battousai!" the sadistic, evil, cruel, insane, macabre, masochistic (wait, that and sadistic kind of cancel out,) vile, creepy, perverted, villainous, dastardly, vicious, idiotic, demonic, drug-addicted Yukishiro Enishi shouted. (Tip: Don't forget to throw in every bad-sounding adjective you can think of when describing any of the villains – other than Sou-chan kawaii! – and/or Tomoe. No one really likes them, anyway.) "I've come to challenge you to a rema – is that a dog trying to kill you?" He started to laugh uncontrollably. "Th - haha, that's RICH!"
"Oro! It's not funny, de gozaru yo!"
"Is too."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is...never mind! Just, help this one, de gozaru yo!"
"Fine. It goes against everything I believe, but this is too cruel a fate, even for you…ahaha…"
"Enishi!"
"Tch. Be that way." He whistled. The dog ran up to him and started wagging and licking at him vigorously.
"…That's so unfair."
4. Serve on a bed of fluff with (optional) lemon wedge.
"Kenshin! I'm home! Man, I've had a great day! …Kenshin, what happened to you?"
"Whoever coined the phrase 'Its bark is worse than its bite'…oro…obviously had never met your dog, Kaoru/Megumi/Misao/Tsubame/Saitou/Sano/(Mary Sue of Choice)-dono."
"Oh, you poor thing! I'll do anything you ask if it'll make you feel better."
"…Well, you did say something about hawt secks."
"Right. Of course." She (or he) kissed him and loosened his hair to fall in a red cascade of scarlet against his back and took off his gi and untied his hakama and –
(This part has been censored for the sake of your sanity. Nothing to see here; move along.)