Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or its characters. I just like playing with them! The song "I Need You" isn't mine either.
Author's Note: This is the first fanfic I've posted, actually the first I've completed. Reviews are welcome, but please be gentle.
P.S. Grammar and I don't get along : )
Natalie's Dresses
April 5, 2003
1432 EST
"I guess it's okay, Ma'am," Harriet said, lifting one eyebrow.
"Harriet," Mac said warningly.
"Sorry. I guess it's okay, Mac."
"Thank you," said Mac. "And what do you mean you guess it's okay. This has to be the 30th dress I've tried on today, and, even though you'd never say it, you've hated every one."
"Wuh . . . I . . . I just didn't think they suited you very well."
Mac smiled so that Harriet would see that she wasn't angry; she was just a little cranky. She and Harriet had been shopping for close to four hours, but Mac had yet to buy anything. Both women's goal had been to find a dress for the charity event that Meredith, the admiral's girlfriend, and some of her friend's were giving. She had invited the entire JAG staff to a formal dinner and dancing in the ballroom of the Golden Oaks Hotel on Friday the 11th.
Harriet had found a beautiful, pale lilac maternity dress at the first store they went into, but Mac hadn't been so lucky. This was the fifth store they had visited and Mac was about ready to give up. She trusted her own judgment, but she'd taken Harriet alone just in case she needed a second opinion. Well, she'd gotten a little more than she bargained for. Harriet had found something wrong with just about every dress Mac had tried on, and Mac had decided against the others before even showing Harriet.
"Okay," Mac said, leaning against the doorframe of the fitting room and crossing her arms over her chest, "I give up. You find me something."
"Me?" Harriet asked, obviously surprised.
"Yes, Harriet. You," Mac said with a slight chuckle. "I trust you."
"Okay," Harriet said and smiled as she turned and headed towards the front of the store.
Mac stepped back into the fitting room and pushed the door closed behind her. She took one last look at herself in the mirror before unzipping the dress and taking it off. It was coral-colored with spaghetti straps that criss-crossed down the back. 'Maybe Harriet was right,' Mac thought, 'it does seem to be missing something.' She was putting the dress back on its hanger, when Harriet returned.
"I think this might be the one, Ma'am," Harriet said as Mac opened the door to take the dress. Mac just smiled and ignored the fact that Harriet had called her "Ma'am" yet again. She put the dress on and looked at herself in the mirror. 'Nice,' she thought smiling at her reflection. She opened the door and walked out of the fitting room. "So what do you think?" she asked.
"It's beautiful," said Harriet, her eyes wide. "It's absolutely perfect."
"Well, at least I know you're not just telling me what I want to hear," Mac said smiling.
JAG Headquarters
April 9, 2003
1157 EST
"Hey," Harm said sticking his head into Mac's office, "I'm going out for lunch. You want me to pick anything up for you?"
"Ah, no thanks," Mac said, setting her pen down on the desk and getting up to stretch, "I brought something from home."
"You meeting someone?" she asked as she passed him on her way to the kitchen.
"No," he said, falling into step beside her. "I'm going to pick up my tux for Friday night. The place closes before I get off work so this was the only time I could pick it up. I was just gonna grab something quick on the way back."
"Harmon Rabb, Jr., eating fast food. What a surprise! The fact that you waited 'til the last minute to get your tux, however, isn't," she said, smiling as she took her chicken alfredo out of the refrigerator and put it into the microwave.
"Well, from what I've heard you don't have much room to talk," he replied, leaning back against the counter and crossing his arms. "I called Bud Saturday afternoon to see if he wanted to meet me and Sturgis at McMurphy's for drinks later, and he said he'd have to get back to me because Harriet was out shopping with you and he had little AJ."
"Well it's different for women," Mac replied. "We have to wait until we have time to find the right dress. All men have to do is make sure they rent the right size tux."
"Oh, please excuse my ignorance then, Colonel," he chuckled. "I had no idea I had it so easy."
"Men usually don't," she retorted, before turning to the microwave and removing her lunch.
"So did you find the 'right dress?'" he asked.
"As a matter of fact I did," she said sticking her finger into her bowl to test the heat then sucking the sauce off.
"Really," Harm asked, "what does it look like?"
"You'll just have to wait and see on Friday." With that she picked up her bowl and a fork and walked out the door.
Harm resisted the urge to follow her into her office and question her further. He didn't really care what the dress looked like; Mac would be beautiful no matter what. He just enjoyed their constant banter. He had to go pick up his tux right now, though. 'Maybe I'll try again when I get back,' he thought as he headed for the elevator.
Mac's Car
April 11, 2003
1847 EST
Mac checked her makeup in the rearview mirror one last time before she stepped out of the car. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but she was nervous. 'Suck it up, Mackenzie,' she told herself, 'you're a grown woman. There is absolutely nothing to be nervous about.' It didn't work. She put her keys into her purse, got out of the car, headed for the entrance.
Golden Oaks Ballroom
Same Time
Harm glanced down at his watch again, then over his left shoulder to the door. 'I thought Mac would be here by now,' he thought. He was just about to go wait for her in the lobby, when Sturgis walked up to the bar. "Two red wines, please," he said to the bartender, then turned to his friend, "What's up Harm? You've been pretty quiet tonight."
"I've only been here ten minutes, Sturgis," Harm replied, turning his back to the door so that he could face his friend.
"True," said Sturgis, "I was just wondering though, are you gonna mope all night or just until Mac gets here."
"I am not moping," Harm said. "I just thought I'd get a lay of the land before I started mingling."
"Oh," said Sturgis, raising an eyebrow, "so that's why the door and your watch are the only two things you've looked at since you got here."
"Look, Sturgis, as much as I'm enjoying your attempt at psychoanalysis, I have to tell you that this has nothing --."
"Well, speak of the devil," Sturgis said interrupting Harm.
Harm turned back to the door to see what had caught Sturgis' eye. He was dumbstruck when he caught sight of Mac. She was standing at the entrance to the ballroom scanning the crowd. 'She's gorgeous,' was his first rational thought. Then, 'Well, she's always gorgeous, you idiot, but that dress . . . .' He could hardly find words to describe her. The dress, a rose colored silk, fit her perfectly. It had something like a half-bodice that stopped just under her breasts. This was embroidered with deep red roses and pale green stems that curled in every direction. In the center of each rose was a tiny pearl that mimicked those on her ears and circling her wrist and neck. It was strapless, and fell straight down from the bodice, tracing her curves as it made its way to the floor.
Harm had to remind himself to breathe. She was stunning. The dress was simple but elegant. Just like her.
"I think I'll go take Bobbi her drink," Sturgis said.
"Huh? Oh, ah, yeah, sure," Harm said barely registering the other man's words.
Smiling and shaking his head, Sturgis picked up the two glasses and walked away. 'Poor sap,' he thought. 'I hope he doesn't start drooling.'
Harm turned to the bartender and ordered to glasses of sparkling cider. When he'd been given the drinks, he turned back towards the door intending to take one to Mac but she was gone.
Same Time
Same Place
"Over here, Mac," Meredith called. Mac followed the sound of the woman's voice and saw her and Harriet sitting talking at one of the tables. She smiled and waved before heading in their direction. She'd been scanning the crowd hoping to find her partner but her search hadn't been fruitful.
"Mac, that dress is amazing!" Meredith said when Mac reached the table.
"Thanks," Mac said, "Harriet picked it out."
Harriet beamed as she said, "I knew you could pull it off."
"You're right about that," Meredith agreed.
"Right about what?" Bobbi asked joining them. "Hi, Mac."
"Hi, Bobbi."
"Mac's dress," Meredith went on. "You should have seen all the looks she got when she walked through the room."
Mac was trying to contain her blush when she felt it. She could always feel him. Before she could turn around she heard his voice, "Who knew Marine's could clean up so well?"
Mac turned to face him and missed the smiles and looks the other three women gave her and her partner before moving away to talk somewhere else. Neither she, nor Harm, noticed their absence. "You don't look half bad yourself, Navy." She was lying through her teeth. She was sure he'd heard the sharp gasp she'd emitted when she first caught sight of him. She could truthfully say he'd taken her breath away. It wasn't the first time, though, and she was sure it wouldn't be the last.
"Thank you," she said taking a sip from the glass he'd handed her without a second thought. She knew she didn't have to ask what it was.
Golden Oaks Ballroom
April 11, 2003
2244 EST
Dinner had been perfect. Mac and Harm had, of course, been seated at a table with the admiral and Meredith, Bobbi and Sturgis, and the Roberts'. It had felt just like a family dinner. They had all talked and laughed with each other the entire time. Now they were enjoying the dancing.
Mac, Bobbi, Bud, and the admiral were sitting one out, while Sturgis took a turn with Harriet and Harm was keeping Meredith busy for the admiral. Mac had had a hard time not laughing at Harm's almost terrified expression when the admiral had made the suggestion.
"So," said Bobbi, when the two men got up from the table, "what's been going on between you and Harm these days?"
That threw Mac off a little bit. She was used to people like Chloe and Harriet questioning her and Harm's relationship, but Bobbi. 'Am I really that obvious?' she thought. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well it's that Sturgis mentioned --."
"Sturgis, mentioned what?" Mac asked, her heart rate doubling. 'I swear I'll kill him,' she thought.
Bobbi gave her a funny look before continuing, "Just that things are a lot less tense between you guys now than when he first came to JAG. Why? What did you think he'd said?"
'Dammit,' thought Mac. 'Now she knows he knows something.' "Nothing," she said taking a sip of her drink. Mac was sure Bobbi was going to dig deeper but she was saved when the four dancers returned to the table.
Bud and the admiral had also returned and they were all sitting and chatting again when a woman walked over to the bar with a mic. "First of all, we'd like to thank all of you very much for joining us here tonight. Secondly, we'd like to inform you that through generous donations and the profits from the bar and dinner, we have raised a total of $18,394.71 for the Thomas B. Downey Children's Home. Give yourselves a round of applause." The speaker waited patiently for the noise to die down before continuing, "Now there will be one last dance and then we'll call it a night. And once again thank you all."
The first soft notes of the song could be heard over the applause when Harm turned wordlessly to Mac and held out his hand.
I don't need a lot of
things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I've always needed something
***** "What I want most is to never lose you." *****
*****"I promise you, you're not gonna lose me." *****
But I've got all I
want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason
You're my only truth
Mac smiled up at Harm as she swayed to the music with him.
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
You're the hope that
moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far
***** "You've come with me farther than anyone I know." *****
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
She often wondered if he really knew how much she truly needed him. Neither of them would dispute the fact that they cared deeply for each other, but she wanted so much more than that. She knew how much she loved him and she wanted to be able to tell him. 'There's just one problem, though,' she thought. 'One big problem.' Their careers. They'd both worked extremely hard to get where they were. But regardless of careers, she knew that fear was the real thing holding her back.
I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
The realization shook her; the realization that she was being controlled by fear. She knew that one day some force would come along to separate them, but this time one, or both of them, wouldn't be able to, or even want to oppose it. It scared her to think that he might never know how much she loved him. That she was in love with him. It also scared her to think about doing anything that might jeopardize their friendship. She needed him in her life, and she would take him any way she could get him. As the song ended, she turned away so that he wouldn't see the tears glistening in her eyes.
Oh yes I do
I need you
I need you
"So did you enjoy yourself tonight?" Harm asked.
Before turning to him, Mac closed her eyes slowly in an attempt to block her tears. When she did so, however, a single tear squeezed through her lashes. She knew there was no use trying to hide it then, so she just looked into his eyes and said, "Yeah."
"Mac . . . are you . . . what's the matter?" he asked, wiping the tear away with the back of his finger.
"Nothing," she said, bowing her head "I was just thinking and –.
"Thinking about what?" he asked, lifting her head back up so that he could look into her eyes.
When Mac did look up, she noticed that the last few couples were walking off of the dance floor. "Look, everyone's leaving. It's time to go."
"So," he replied, his eyes never leaving her face.
"We're going to be the only people out here."
"And?" he asked.
"I don't want to be. Now, can we please go?" With that, she turned to walk away.
Harm reached out and took hold of her hand. "Wait. You haven't told me what's wrong yet?"
She looked down at their joined hands and then up at him. "I said, it was nothing. Let it go."
"If it's nothing, why are you being so defensive?" he asked.
"What can I say, you bring it out in me?" She had meant it jokingly, but it was obvious to her by the way he loosened his grip on her hand, that he hadn't taken it that way.
"Do you really feel like you need to be on your guard around me?"
"No, Harm, of course not. There are just some things . . . . I don't know how to explain it."
"You don't think I'll understand?"
"It's not that."
"Well, what is it?"
"I don't think you want to know."
"Well, there's only one way to be sure," he said smiling and squeezing her hand.
"Not here," she said.
"Okay." He led her by the hand, through a set of French doors and out onto the grounds. "Is this better?" he asked, pushing a strand of hair off her forehead then letting his hands rest on either side of her face.
She nodded her head.
They stood there in silence for what felt like hours. She started to cry again, but this time when he tried to wipe her tears away, she reached up to stop him.
"Harm . . . I was crying because that song made me think about how much I need you."
He wanted to tell her how much he needed her too, but he knew better than to interrupt her.
"I was crying because I wanted you to know but I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell you. I was crying because I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you but I was afraid that you'd push me away. I wouldn't be able to deal with that, Harm."
Harm felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. He hated himself for making her feel this way. He'd caused her all this pain and anguish by being a coward. She was afraid to open herself up to him for fear he'd run away. "I love you too, Sarah, but I don't deserve you."
She widened her eyes in shock and confusion.
"I can't believe what a fool I've been," he said, dropping his hands and turning away. "I've hurt you so many times but you always forgive me. I don't get it."
"Harm," she said reaching out and placing her hand on his shoulder.
"What did I ever do to make me worthy of your love?"
"It's nothing you do, Harm. It's everything about you. Your strength. The way you acknowledge and embrace your imperfections. The way you fight for the underdog even if you're going up against Goliath. Your crooked smile. Your childish sense of humor. The way you make me feel like I'm worthy of everything life has to offer. The way you always know how I'm feeling. The way when I catch you looking at me, it makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
"Because you are," he said reaching behind him to take her hand and pull her in front of him. "It always amazes me how you can look in the mirror everyday and not see that."
"I don't have to now," she smiled up at him, "I have you to do that."
"Yes, you do," he said, returning her smile. Again he placed his hands on either side of her face, but this time he leaned his head down to kiss her.