Disclaimer: I do not own the X-men, or their likenesses. I do however; make them to my nefarious bidding. But like any evil puppet master, I do this simply to put on a show, not to earn money. So no suing is necessary.
Author's note: I know I have other stories I should update…but this popped into my head and amused me too much to delay it….
Just a Week
Hank sat in his lab chair and looked at the assembled X-men before him with a terrified expression on his blue, furry face. "Thank you all for coming down here so quickly…it could a be a matter of life an death and needed to warn you…"
The rest of the men in the room raised their eyebrows and looked towards med-lab, which was empty. Scott stepped forward "Hank, if it is a matter of life and death, shouldn't Ororo be here as the other team leader?"
"Good heaven's no! She would kill me for violating the Doctor/Patient confidentiality…"
Logan stood up straighter and loomed over Hank "Somethin's wrong with 'Ro?"
There was the sound of easily parted flesh as Logan's claws came out "Then get to the point!"
Hank re-adjusted his glasses and turned to the computer display "Ummm…well, yes. Of course. Through the course of my studies, I have of course studied several behavioral variations in humans and mutants. Which proves that we are not all that different, actually…and with my privilege has primary care physician for all the X-men, I have had the chance to document all fluxes presented. After careful study of all data, I have recognized a terrifying trend in the ladies records. I did further research to support my growing hypothesis and came up with several case studies in which my theory had already been tested. It seems that beings living together for long periods of time seem to biologically synchronize to each other…" He held up a calendar with a solid week outlined in red. "This is the date of our doom gentlemen…"
Bobby studied the calendar very carefully "Hmmm…yes, yes, I can see portents of doom written all over this…who is it this time? Apocalypse Jr.?"
"Herr Hank, it is rather confusing" Kurt piped in "What do you mean exactly by our doom?"
A thin thread of cigarette smoke trailed around the group "Gambit t'ink he know. It means de girls is all going to PMS the same week neh?"
The men all stared around the room, terror and horror written on every face "We are so gonna die"
"Gee, that's thinking positive Bobby. It can't be that bad."
"Says you Scott"
* * * * *
Kurt hovered anxiously over Hank as the other filed out, lost in their thoughts "How sure of this are you Mein Freund?"
"The data is rather for it, Kurt. I would not have risked creating a panic if I wasn't sure…"
Kurt's posture drooped "That is what I thought. Is there no hope for us?"
"Actually…I came across a rather interesting study while researching this crisis. Through extensive testing, it has been calculated that only ninety-nine percent of women suffer from the violent mood swings and discomfort associated with the week before menstruation."
"Ninety-nine percent? Freund Bobby was right! We are doomed…"
"Well, it is plausible that we could have that one percent here…"
"That is not reassuring."
* * * * *
Remy stuck his hands in his pockets and whistled as he walked down the street, eying all the glass store fronts and mulling over the news Hank had dropped on them. "Maybe Remy jes leave for a bit non? Stay in de hotel…" A flashing sign caught his eye, drawing his attention do a store front display of little blue boxes. He had never been in the store before, but the boxes drew him, an idea beginning to bloom in his mind.
The woman behind the counter was a charming, smiling, motherly woman who just clucked her tongue as he bought the entire display. She raised a knowing eyebrow and smiled "Making peace with your girlfriend?'
He flashed his sparkling cajun teeth and merely nodded his head. She stifled a giggle as she bagged the boxes. He left, the bags swinging in his hands, whistling once more.
* * * * *
Scott sat on the couch next to Jean, his hands trembling slightly. His swallowed convulsively and cleared his throat "So…Jean…have you been feeling okay?"
She turned her luminous green eyes towards him and smiled "Yes, why?"
"Oh, no reason, just asking…" Relief was washing over him in great crashing waves. He reached out to hug her, and she glared at him.
"Not now Scott, I'm not in the mood"
"I…I'm sorry…it was just…I thought…"
"No, you didn't think. You never think about what I want! I've had it! Get out of my sight!" True, manic anger sparkled in her eyes as she pointed her finger imperiously towards the door.
His mouth gaping open, Scott complied with her order.
* * * * *
Thunder crackled outside, rain patting against the windows of the attic as Logan stepped inside. It was dark, the only illumination that of a single candle by Ororo as she watched the rain, something cradled in her hands. Logan softly stepped forward, certain that something was wrong "'Ro? What's wrong?"
She turned a tear stained face in his direction "Oh, Logan…she…she's dead…"
Alarm raced through him as he closed the distance between them to see what she clutched. It was a plant…an African violet he recalled…wilted and drooping in a pathetic manner. "'Ro, it's alright…it's okay…"
"No…no it's not…it's my fault…."
"Trust me darlin, we can get you another one…"
Thunder cracked again, making her eyes glow white "Another?! Another?! She can't be replaced! She was my friend! She…she…" tears of anger clogged her throat.
Logan tried to salvage the situation "I only meant…"
"I know what you meant! It's only a plant; it shouldn't mean so much to you. Forget it…well, I say NO!" The last was accompanied by blue, crackling energy flying from her palm and into his chest. It tingled and pulsed along his metal skeleton, making his hair stand on end. Then he felt the impact of the window with his back. He was falling, along with the shards of the once elegant window…down to the muddy ground.
* * * * *
Hank was patching up Bobby when Logan, Scott and Warren stepped into the female-free med-lab. The burn marks on Bobby's skin where horrendous…spiraling up from his arms to his chin. Some where still smoking…he looked at the new entrances and grinned sheepishly "I called Jubilee a kid…"
Warren was holding his wings stiffly, several long, elegant feathers missing, leaving gaping holes in his wings. "I was in the danger room with Betsy…and I mentioned that perhaps she should consider a new costume…she expressed her opinion of my decidedly male outlook."
Scott nodded "Jean told me not to bother coming to bed. In fact she suggested I sleep on the couch in the rec room."
Logan rubbed dirt out of his hair "'Ro needs a new window upstairs."
Hank sighed and looked around "The only ones missing are Kurt and Remy…"
Bobby winced as the last bandage went on "We've gotta look for them…there's no telling what they could be doing to them…"
Scott looked towards the door and whimpered "But their out there…with them!!!"
Bobby jerkily got to his feet and grimaced "No matter the danger Scott, oh fearless leader, we leave no man behind!"
The men cheered and left the sanctuary of the med-lab.
* * * * *
There was a polite knock on the door, and Kurt looked up from his book. He had barricaded himself into his room after talking to Hank. Kitty's head phased through the door "Ummm…Kurt? Can you give me a hand?"
His instincts screamed that it was a trap…but it was just Kitty. "Jah. With what?"
He followed her to her dorm room, and helped her move her extensive amount of computer equipment. "Thanks a lot Kurt…none of the girls seemed to be in the mood to help…and all the guys seem to be hiding from the girls…"
"Well, hiding seemed the best course of action…"
She cocked her head and looked at him. "Oh?"
He could feel heat coming to his cheeks, glad that his dark fur hid blushing rather effectively "Jah, Herr Hank made a very startling discovery…All the women hit PMS week…at the same time"
"…oh. Well that would explain Logan falling past my window earlier…Don't worry Elf. I'm not going to bite your head off."
"That is a relief katzchen"
"I'll even offer you sanctuary here…if you want"
He smiled, tail twitching "Perhaps Hank was right…"
"About what?" Was mumbled from behind the computer desk as she reattached wires"
"It is quite possible the one percent is here…"
"One percent?"
"Ask Hank."
* * * * *
The prowling group of men crept slowly upstairs, following the sounds of giggling…coming from the kitchen. It seemed all of the women had congregated for snacks…Bobby was the first to poke his head through the door for recon. Rogue, Ororo, Jubilee, Betsy, Jean…were all sitting at the kitchen table with tall glasses in front of them. They were giggling and laughing at the man in the corner, who was in the middle of telling some crude joke. The man turned around, and it was Remy, holding the blender out to refill drinks, smiling.
Bobby withdrew his head and turned to Beast "That traitor! He's fraternizing with the enemy!"
"Are you sure he isn't being forced to serve them?"
"Dis Cajun savin you all" The group all looked up guiltily at the man that was leaning out of the kitchen door. "Gambit got de secret weapon…"
Bobby perked up "Secret weapon?"
"Oui."
"What is it?"
"Trojan milkshakes"
"What?"
Remy tossed a small blue box at the guys and re-entered the kitchen. Bobby caught it and started grinning like a maniac "He's a genius!!!!!"
"What is it Bobby?"
"Extra Strength Midol! He put it in the milkshakes! We're saved!"
"Oh my stars and garters…why didn't that occur to me….?"
"It's okay Hank, you can't always be a genius."
"So, do you think it's okay to go in there and talk to them?"
"Umm...let's give them a few more minutes to fully feel the effects of the pills shall we?"
"Agreed"
* * * * *
There we go, a random silly fic! By the by…there is a new X-men message board up… !