Author's Note: Here's some partial crack I typed out in half an hour. (is there such a thing?)

/ /

1. the topless kunoichi

Branches scratched her left and right as she practically flew through the trees, bare feet barely making any sound as they landed on bark after bark. Her previously dripping wet skin was now only slightly damp and felt oddly sticky, thanks to the abrupt chase she was thrown into right after a quick bath by the stream. It was unbelievably uncomfortable, and the fact that she was almost naked didn't help matters.

The only thing that protected her modesty was her thin, black, cotton panties.

Have I lost him?

A quick look behind told her that the damn Akatsuki member was still within sight, but he wasn't making an attempt to cover the distance between them, or maybe she was faster than she thought. Sakura doubted so. That masked criminal was either testing her abilities or playing with her till she tired out.

But for what? What does an organization like Akatsuki want with someone like her?

Oh, right. Sasori.

Then again, she didn't think that an organization like Akatsuki had the kind of heart to wreck revenge on someone who harmed their own. She didn't think they would care about avenging a fellow colleague.

So, if it wasn't for Sasori, then for what?

Sakura gritted her teeth. Her legs started moving faster and she pumped more chakra to her feet. She wrapped her arms securely around and under her chest to save as much dignity as possible, at the same time preventing them from bouncing all over the place. Damn that would be uncomfortable as hell.

What the fuck is this situation?

She was topless, weaponless, alone, exhausted, and at least a day away from Konoha even if she sprinted at top speed. She might as well stop right there and offer her body to her predator and pray for an opening where she can bash his skull in -

No! What the hell Haruno Sakura? That's fucking suicidal.

Not to mention that even a tree had a higher chance of arousing a man than she did.

Sakura growled low in her throat. What could she do? There was no one to call for help. The nearest town was about 5 hours away if she kept traveling at her current speed. She didn't think that the Akatsuki member after her was kind enough to let her get that far, and she didn't think she has enough energy to run that far that fast. Especially not after her latest mission.

If she stopped and let the masked Akatsuki member capture her, who knows what he would do to her. She was almost certain that he wouldn't kill her. Not yet, at least. If he had meant to kill her, he would've done it already.

"Let's stop this silly game, kunoichi," the masked man drawled, voice slightly muffled by the orange mask.

Sakura glanced back, then gasped. The masked man was closer to her than she expected. Desperately, she pumped a larger amount of chakra onto the soles of her feet in an attempt to gain some distance between them.

Unfortunately, she used too much chakra and it broke through the next branch she landed on which was already old and rotting.

Oh my god I'm actually going to die here pathetically and alone and half-naked-

Sakura struggled to flip in mid-air so she landed in a crouch, arms still secure around her chest. She was panting, and she let her chakra was flare in all directions. There was no point masking it when her enemy already knew where she was.

The masked Akatsuki landed gracefully in front of her, barely 20 feet away.

"Have you tired yourself out, kunoichi?" the man said. Sakura didn't miss the mocking lilt.

"What do you want from me?" she spat. She tried her damn best to sound brave and intimidating but she knew she looked anything but. She felt more like a cornered animal.

"Uchiha Sasuke."

What?

"What?"

"Are you daft, kunoichi? I want Uchiha Sasuke. Where is he?" the masked man said, impatience leaking into his monotonous voice.

"Wha - I don't know where he is!" Sakura exclaimed, incredulous. "Look, pal. I don't know which rock you've been living under, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm from Konoha. You know, that village that stupid Sasuke betrayed and left. We know about his whereabouts as much as the next guy."

The masked Akatsuki looked unamused. Sakura gulped.

"I don't know where he is. But if you do know, do tell, alright? Til then - "

Sakura made to escape, but the man was in front of her in a flash. She yelped and almost fell back, if the man hadn't grabbed her by the throat and proceeded to lift her off the ground. Sakura struggled for breath, arms still tight around her bust and feet dangling. No need to give the criminal a free show even if she was on the verge of passing out.

"You will tell me the whereabouts of Uchiha Sasuke, kunoichi," he said gravely, threateningly.

"I already told you," Sakura rasped. "I don't know where the fuck he is!"

Then she lashed out with a chakra-enhanced foot aimed for his crotch.

Only for him to let go of her as her foot simultaneously passed through his figure. It freaking passed through him! Like some sort of genjutsu, but Sakura was certain that it was not an illusion.

Following the momentum of her failed nut-shot, she flipped backwards, putting some distance between them.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Names do no matter, kunoichi."

"Okay, first of all, it matters to me. Second, I appreciate you calling me kunoichi and all cause that probably means that you acknowledge the fact that I am, indeed, one, but I have a name. And it's Haruno Sakura."

A beat of silence.

"Please ignore what I just said," Sakura said.

"If you bring me to Uchiha Sasuke or vice versa, I will leave your Jinchuuriki friend alone. The deal goes both ways."

"What? That's a lousy deal!"

Why was she even holding a conversation with this notorious criminal? Oh right, she was simply buying time until he finally kills her.

"Should you refuse my offer, kunoichi, it'll be your life for theirs."

Sakura pretended to think for a moment.

"No deal. There's no way I'm trading a friend for a friend, even if one of said friends is a traitorous moron."

"Then your life it is."

Sakura smiled wryly.

"My life it is."

.

.

.

Why weren't any of her attacks making any contact with his body? It wasn't that her aim was off. It was accurate, but all her hits seemed to simply pass through the man. He wasn't an illusion and he wasn't any kind of clone. What was he?

And why wasn't he giving her the killing strike already? Was he still playing around with her? Mocking her and the vast difference in their powers? Trying to get her to spill some information knowing that he could kill her easily?

It was all so infuriating, and she was quickly tiring out. Her chakra reserves were already halved when she encountered the masked nin, and now it was getting dangerously low.

She'd be damned if she went down without at least landing a hit on this man. It was hard, especially since she was fighting with one arm wrapped around her bust at all times. However, it was still manageable. Tsunade had taught her, once, how to fight while naked. That had been uncomfortable and awkward and Sakura doubted that any of those particular techniques would work on this missing-nin.

"Will you stay still?!" she yelled out in frustration as her fist sailed through his seemingly intangible body. Her legs were so tired and numb from chakra overuse.

"That would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it, kunoichi?" the man said, before he delivered a swift roundhouse kick that knocked the breath out of Sakura and sent her skidding a few feet back.

The Akatsuki member walked over to where the pinkette was struggling to get up, barely covered chest heaving from exertion. Casually, the criminal stood over the medic nin and proceeded to sit on her abdomen, feet planted firmly on either side of her ribs.

"One last chance. Where is Uchiha Sasuke?" the masked man demanded.

"Fuck you," she said, grinning despite her bleeding split lip. Her vision erupted in blinding white stars as pain exploded from where the man backhanded her across the cheek.

"GET AWAY FROM HER!"

Then suddenly the weight on her stomach was gone and there was a sudden flurry of activities as a blur of orange and yellow leapt into the clearing, going after the cloaked missing-nin and quickly engaging him in battle. A blur of white and black and green followed shortly after.

"Sakura!" a familiar voice called out to her. Someone landed next to her and she looked up to see the familiar unruly silver hair and mask. His single dark eye actually looked worried, but it grew more alarmed as his analyzing eye scanned her barely clad body.

"K-kaka-sensei," Sakura sobbed. She was so happy to see her former sensei she could cry. She reached out with her free hand to clutch at the jounin's vest.

"It'll be okay. We'll get you out of here," Kakashi muttered, gently scooping the girl up into his arms so as to not jostle any of her injuries.

"Neji! Shikamaru! Naruto!" Kakashi yelled over his shoulder, before he went for the trees.

"Ne, Kaka-sensei," Sakura rasped, her head lolling as the adrenaline wore off and fatigue hit her like a freight train. "I'm pretty lucky, eh? I really thought I was going to die… protecting that bastard…"

Then she was out like the light.

/ /

Author's Note: I don't know which pairing this fic will end up with, but it'll be one of the males mentioned in this chapter. Lulz. I haven't thought of an actual solid plot or anything. I'm going to go with the flow. Like I said, it's partial crack, so don't take anything too seriously, alright? Things might get serious later on, who knows? Not me.