Jack and the Beanstalk:
Slightly Modernized
By Squall Leonhart (mcmacladdie@yahoo.com)
DISCLAIMER: I didn't come up with the idea of Jack and the Beanstalk. No money is being made, but since I think that the story would be considered to be in the public domain, I don't know if it really matters :) Also, I don't own the lyrics to "Because I Got High". They belong to Afroman.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I had to write this one for a class, so I thought that I'd put it up here. It seemed like the people in my class enjoyed it, so I thought to myself, "Self, why don't we see what the rest of the world thinks?" Anyways, on with the fic!
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Once upon a time (all fairy tales start like that, don't they?), there lived a boy named Jack. Now, Jack wasn't the exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact, it would be safe to say that he was as dumb as a stump. It didn't help his social standing either that his family was dirt poor. It just so happened that on this bright, sunny day, Jack was taking the family car to a local dealership to sell it for some desperately needed money. He just drove along, not sweating the small things (such as stop signs and pedestrians). He just drove along, happily singing his favorite song to himself.
"I was gonna go to class, but I was high…
I coulda cheated, and I coulda passed, but I was high…
I'm taking it next semester, and I know why!
'Cause I was high,
Because I got high,
Because I got high!"
Jack was so absorbed in the song, that he barely noticed the elderly gentleman crossing the street in front of him. When his single brain cell registered the fact that there was someone in front of the car, he swerved to avoid hitting the person. As soon as he stopped the car, he jumped out to make sure that the person he nearly hit was all right. "I'm really sorry, mister!" Jack said. "Are you all right?"
"I'm okay," the old man said. "No harm done." He glanced over at the car that Jack was driving, and said, "That's a nice car you have there, son."
"Thanks," Jack said. "I'm taking it to a car dealership to sell it."
The old man, being the smart, yet manipulative little rat-bastard that he was, realized that Jack wasn't the brightest kid around, and decided to play this to his advantage. "Really?" he said. "You know, I'd be more than willing to take it off of your hands, if you want."
"Really?" Jack said. "That'd be great!" He remembered what his mother said about seeing what he could get for the car, and said, "Umm… what can you give me for it?"
The old man patted the pockets of his jacket, reached into one, and pulled out a small bag. "How about I give you this bag of magic beans for your car?"
Jack, being the simple-minded buffoon that he is, smiled widely and said, "You got a deal, mister!" Smiling, Jack took the bag of beans and waved to the old man as he ran home.
The old man just waved back, and said "What a moron."
**********
Jack burst through the door to his house, and yelled, "MOM! I GOT RID OF THE CAR JUST LIKE YOU SAID!"
Jack's mother, who was only standing three feet away at the time, said, "Jack, you don't need to yell!" After the ringing in her ears stopped, she turned to her son and said, "Now, then, what did you get for the car?"
Jack smiled and held up the bag of beans that the old man had given him. "I got a bag of magic beans from an old man!" he said, smiling like the idiot he was.
Jack's mother just stood there for a second before she said anything. "You traded the car for some magic beans?" she said.
"Yup!" Jack said, completely oblivious to the level ten death glare that his mother was giving him.
Jack's mother just shook her head, and muttered under her breath, "He must get it from his father." When she had composed herself, she said, "Jack, can I see those beans?" Jack handed his mother the beans, which she immediately threw out the window.
"Mom! What did you do that for?" Jack said, wondering why his mother would ever want to throw away magic beans.
"Just go to your room," Jack's mother said. When Jack was gone, she sighed and said, "Where did I leave that tequila?"
**********
After a few hours, Jack fell asleep in his room, and his mother passed out on the couch after eating the worm at the bottom of the bottle of tequila. While both of them were out, the beans that Jack's mother had thrown out the window began to grow, and a giant beanstalk grew in the middle of their back yard (bet you never saw that one coming, eh?). Needless to say, when Jack woke up and looked out his window to see a giant beanstalk, he immediately wondered how it got there. Deciding that he should go check it out, he left his room and headed out to the back yard.
He looked up the beanstalk, but he couldn't see to the top. Curious as to what could be up there at the top, he started to climb up it. After a long climb, he finally reached the top of the beanstalk, and stepped off of it looking around. When he turned to his right, he saw a giant building that looked like one of those office buildings that he saw in the city before. Since there was nowhere else to go, he began walking towards the office building.
When Jack walked in the door of the building, he sighed as he realized that there was really nothing worth looking at there. Just a desk, some paintings, and a couple of potted plants that had labels on them that said, "Made in Taiwan". He saw an elevator door open in front of him, and decided that he'd try that.
Jack got in the elevator and pushed the button for the top floor. After an excruciatingly long ride (you'd be eager to get out of an elevator too if they were playing Hanson), he got off the elevator and walked towards the desk that was in the middle of the large room the elevator opened into. The chair behind the desk turned around, and Jack nearly fainted when he saw that the person in the chair was the world's richest nerd/computer geek, Bill Gates.
"Hello," Bill said. "Is there something that I can help you with?"
"Umm…" Jack said, his tiny brain struggling to come up with something to say. "I'm Jack. Pleased to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too, Jack," Bill said. "Would you like a tour of the building?"
Jack nodded, and Bill got up and showed him around the building. Jack saw all kinds of strange and interesting things. Eventually, Bill took Jack to a large room filled with computers, and Jack immediately sat at the nearest one, which was the only black one in the entire room, trying to see what kind of games it had on it. "This is really cool, Mr. Gates," Jack said, as he began clicking on everything in sight with the mouse.
Bill smiled, and said, "I'm glad you think so, Ja…" he trailed off as he turned around and saw what Jack was doing, and what computer he was using. "NO! DON'T CLICK ON THAT!" Bill yelled, but it was too late. Jack clicked the small skull and crossbones icon on the computer, and a countdown immediately began.
5 minutes to detonation… please notify your next-of-kin…
Jack didn't know what was happening, but he decided that he should run, seeing as Bill was running as well. They managed to get to the lobby when the voice came over the speakers in the building again:
2 minutes to detonation… please place your head between your knees and kiss you ass goodbye…
Jack and Bill managed to get to the beanstalk, and made it down the beanstalk in record time. When they got to the ground, they heard a loud explosion, and saw a huge flash in the sky. Out of nowhere, a giant Microsoft sign that had been attached to the building hit the beanstalk, cutting clean through it and causing it to fall over… right onto Jack's house.
Jack's mother, who was in the garage at the time, walked out, looked at the giant beanstalk that had crushed her house, looked at the giant Microsoft sign that was sticking out of the ground near what was left of the beanstalk, and then looked at Bill Gates. She calmly walked over to Bill, grabbed Jack by the arm, and without saying anything else, said to Bill, "I'll see you in court!"
Well, they did eventually go to court. Jack's mother sued Bill Gates for an insanely large amount of cash, and Jack and his family moved into a much nicer house. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Jack killed the giant named Microsoft.
Fin