AN: This story is something I've been thinking about writing for a while, but was finally inspired to start after the latest manga chapter release. I'm happy Katou's finally getting into some of the psychological trouble Toudou caused Yukio. I just hope it'll be expanded on and that it won't be dropped during the upcoming chapters. Anyway…Yukio and Rin are a little out of character, but…I don't think it's too bad. Yukio's an emotional wreck and Rin's just emotional, so something like this might happen eventually.
Ao No Exorcist © Katou Kazue
Rin knew something was wrong as soon as his brother walked into the classroom and started teaching one of the lessons he had taught them when they were still Pages.
The students were all looking back and forth between each other, until Shiemi raised her hand and told Yukio that he had taught them this a few months ago. He apologized and switched to the lesson he was supposed to be teaching. It seemed the class passed his mistake off as just that; a simple mistake. But Rin knew it was more than that. Yukio never messed up when it came to exorcism, especially when it came to medicine. There was more going on than just a simple mistake.
It seemed Shiemi knew that too. She stayed after class and asked Yukio if he was alright. He just nodded and said yes, and that he had gotten less sleep than usual last night. She didn't seem completely satisfied with his answer, but she walked out of the classroom anyway, thinking that he could solve whatever problem he was facing himself. Rin however, didn't believe that obvious lie, even for a second. He walked over to his brother's desk and simply raised an eyebrow at his brother.
"It's nothing, Nii-san, don't worry about me." Yukio said in an attempt to pass off the situation.
"It's my job to worry about you. I am your older brother and all." Rin reminded him.
"Only by a short amount of time." Yukio corrected. It gets tiring having your twin constantly remind you that he's the older, especially when the time between your births was a matter of an hour or two.
Rin stared his brother in the eyes, but saw no emotions. 'Damn four eyes and his stupid stoic act.' He thought to himself.
"Nii-san, if you don't mind, I have a class next period I need to prepare for. And you're going to be late for your next class if you don't leave now." Yukio reminded.
"You really are out of it, if you think I care about being late." Yukio shot his older brother a glare, and Rin decided to just drop it for now. "Fine, but this isn't over." He warned before walking out of the room.
When Yukio finally returned to the dorm, it was almost ten o'clock at night. His day had run a little longer than expected when Mephisto called a teacher meeting after classes had ended. 'Damn that clown for keeping me late…' Yukio thought to himself. He snapped out of his daze and looked up. "I'm starting to sound like Rin…"
"In what way?" Rin asked, almost making Yukio jump.
"Why are you wandering around the hallway? Don't you have homework to do?"
"Well…why are you wandering around the hallway?"
"I just got home…if you're going to deflect the question, at least have your new topic make sense."
"You would know, Dr. Deflection." Rin snickered at his new nickname for Yukio. 'Haha, cause he's a doctor and he deflects people…it's catchy."
"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Yukio asked, effectively snapping Rin out of his thoughts.
"You know what I mean. Your class today. You may have fooled the rest of them, but you can't fool your own Nii-san."
"I told you, I just didn't get any sleep. Stop worrying about me so much."
"There you go deflecting the question again. Something's been upsetting you for a while, Yukio, and I'm going to find out what it is."
"Good luck with that." Yukio said while starting to walk up the stairs to their dorm room.
"That sounded like a challenge…" Rin said, following him.
"I didn't mean it to be a challenge. Quite the opposite actually. I'd prefer it if you'd drop the topic all together." Yukio said as the two walked into their room.
"Haha, so you admit there's a topic!"
"Yes…and my problem is that you're annoying me right now. I need to get some homework done," He pulled out a chair and sat down at his desk, then pulled out some of his homework, "then I need to go to the supply shop and pick up-"
Yukio cut himself off when Rin closed the door. He didn't just close the door though. He closed it then tore off the door knob, complete with the keyhole.
"How're you going to get to the supply shop without a keyhole?" Rin asked, seemingly satisfied with his 'brilliant plan', judging by the cocky tone of his voice.
"And how are you going to get out of a room without a door knob?" Yukio returned Rin's cocky air, the only difference being that he actually had something to be cocky about. Rin frowned after he realized Yukio did, in fact, have a point.
"I…I can just knock down the door!"
"But then I could simply use a different keyhole to get to the supply shop. And Mephisto would also hold you responsible for breaking the door."
"Not-not if I tell him you did it!"
"He wouldn't believe you for a second…"
"Well…at least you can't get out!" Rin realized that was his original point of yanking the door knob off.
"Rin, what do you even mean by that…?" Yukio asked, seeming confused by his brother's odd behavior.
"I mean that you can't avoid talking to me now!" This time, Yukio was the one to frown at his brother's point. "So…what's wrong?" Yup, he was definitely stuck now. No way to get out, and there was no way Rin would let this go.
"Nothing. Now let me do my homework in peace."
"I'm not giving up that easily. What's wrong?"
"Nii-san…"
"C'mon Yukio, what's wrong? What's been bothering you?"
"It's nothing. Just don't worry about it."
"Yukio…"
"I said don't worry about it!" Yukio yelled as he slammed his hands down on the desk.
"Yukio, just…" Rin didn't really know what to say. He hadn't guessed his brother would react like that. Usually he would have ignored Rin for the entire night. Something must really be bothering him if Rin was about to break him that easily. "Tell me what's wrong!"
"You really want to know!" Yukio pulled out his chair and stood up to face Rin.
"Yes!"
"You!" Yukio screamed.
"Wha-what?" Rin replied, taken aback by Yukio's statement.
"You're what's wrong! You think nothing you do has consequences, but can't you see how it effects the people around you!"
"Yukio, I-"
"No!" Yukio screamed, cutting off his brother. "Can't you see that everyone around you just…can't you see that you break everyone! Didn't you see how everyone was effected the night they found out you were the son of Satan? They were terrified of you…you hurt them!"
"Yukio, you know that wasn't my fault! I had to protect-"
"I don't care! Don't you think I could have handled it!"
"No. I don't think you could have. Amaimon isn't some low level demon. You couldn't have taken care of him by yourself, and you know it!"
"So now you think you're more capable than me? I've been training my entire life! You've been training for what, half a year? What makes you think you're so superior that you can master exorcism in less than a year!
"Yukio, I never…I didn't mean it like that. What the hell is wrong with you, Yukio? Think rationally! What's really troubling you…?"
"I told you; you're troubling me! You've always been better than me at everything, and I just wanted my chance to protect you for a change! Exorcism is the one thing I never thought you could beat me at, but now it seems you're even going to surpass me soon."
"Yukio-" Rin's voice had changed to a more sympathetic tone after hearing Yukio's confession.
"No!" Yukio screamed, cutting Rin off. "You don't understand how it feels to always come in second place! To always be the least favorite! I was living in your shadow all those years, Rin! No matter how much father loved me, he always loved you more!"
"Father loved us equally and you know it!" Rin shot back.
"That's a damn lie! He just used me! I don't know why I never saw it before he* mentioned it…I was just a tool father was using in order to protect you! No matter how much he cared for me, he always loved you more! You…his favorite son…"
"Yukio, who mentioned it? Who is 'he'?"
"No one you need to be worried about. It doesn't concern you."
"Like hell is doesn't concern me!" Rin yelled as he pulled on his brother's shirt collar, forcing Yukio to stare straight into his eyes. "You're supposed to be the rational one! Nothing you're screaming at me is making any sense, and usually you would know that! Who the hell was it that clouded your judgment so easily!" Rin released his hold on his brother, who in turn fell onto the ground. "Maybe Shura was right…" Rin scoffed, "Maybe you will fall to demonic temptation too easily…"
"Shut up!" Yukio screamed as he stood back up. This time, it was his turn to grab his brother by the collar. "You don't have a damn clue what you're talking about!"
"Like hell I don't! If it's so easy for some guy to cloud your judgment, then imagine how easy it'll be for a demon to do the same!"
"He didn't cloud my judgment! These are my thoughts, Rin! I've always hated you!" Yukio pulled tighter on his brother's collar, causing Rin to cough in order to compensate for his brother's choke hold on his collar. "Ever since we were kids, I've always hated you! I hated that you were stronger than me, that you were never scared of anything, that you were always the brave one, and I…I hated myself for being so weak that I needed to lean on you. I wanted to have a turn to protect you for once, Rin!" Yukio sighed and released his grip on his brother's collar. "But now I'm no help to you. You don't need me to protect you. And even when it comes down to it, I'm still too weak to be able to protect you."
"Yukio…that's not true, Yukio. You're not weak."
"Don't lie to me!"
"I'm not lying, Yukio! Why can't you see that you're not the same weak little kid you were back then. You're not still scared of the demons. If anything, the demons should be scared of you now!"
"I'm still scared, okay!"
"What?" Rin asked. He was caught off guard. He never imagined that Yukio was still afraid. "What do you mean?"
"I meant exactly what I said. I'm still scared of them. Or…I'm scared of turning into one of them."
"That's not going to happen Yukio."
"You just said I would fall easily to demonic temptation! I know you were just trying to get to me, but how do you know it won't actually happen!"
"Because you're stronger than that."
"Are you really that stupid!"
"Wha-"
"Can't you see from this argument that I'm a damn emotional wreck! You're right! Shura was completely right! I'm going to turn into a demon, and it'll be all my fault! All because I'm too weak to show any emotion. All because I've made myself emotionally numb, just to keep myself from being weak. Or…at least what I thought was being weak. I destroyed myself, Rin! And now I can't go back and fix everything, because I'm just too far gone."
"Doesn't this argument show that you're capable of showing emotion?"
"Anger's great, but it's not enough to fend off a demon. All the emptiness behind those fake smiles can't be repaired by just showing some anger."
"But…at least it's something!" Rin showed his brother a sympathetic smile.
"Always smiling…that's another reason I hate you. You can do everything I can't, and that includes showing emotion."
"It's not that hard. Just get rid of that damn stoic façade already. It's getting old, and we both know how fake it is."
"You don't understand how far gone I am…" Yukio said, regret evident in his voice.
"Yukio, I'm-" Rin started to say, only to be cut off by his brother.
"No." He replied harshly. "I'm done. I'm leaving." Yukio said while walking towards the door, intent on knocking it down.
Before he reached the door, Rin grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the center of the room.
"Let go of me. Now!" Yukio yelled. He shook his hand back and forth, but Rin kept a firm grip. "Rin, let go!"
"No!"
"I hate you!" Rin almost laughed at how much Yukio's comment made him sound like some teenager having an argument with their parent, but he decided now isn't the time for laughter.
"I don't care! I don't care if you hate me for the rest of your life! I won't lose you! I can't watch my own brother turn into a demon. I can't watch that happen, Yukio. I can't go through that again…" Before he knew what he was doing, Rin released his brother's hand and collapsed onto his knees. "I couldn't protect dad, and…I need to be able to protect you, Yukio. I can't watch as the same thing that happened to dad happens to you."
Hearing the overwhelming amount of sadness and pain in his brother's voice made Yukio forget the anger he held with him moments prior.
"Rin…" Yukio said as he sat on the floor next to his brother. "Rin, I-I didn't know…"
"You were right…father dying was all my fault! I don't want your blood on my hands too, Yukio. I don't want anyone else to die because of me." Rin placed his hands on the sides of his head and started shaking his head back and forth. "You were right! I'm not good for anything except breaking and hurting everyone who dares to come close to me. It's always been that was and it-it always will be…"
"Rin…I didn't mean that. I was angry. Please don't hate yourself. Especially because of my petty comment. Please don't do that to yourself, Rin. It tears you up inside, and I don't want to watch anything like that happen to you." Yukio wrapped his arms around his brother, pulling him into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry I ever put that idea into your head…"
"Yukio, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I said all those things. I just…I really don't want to lose you. You're all I have left!" Rin's voice broke as he pulled Yukio tighter against himself. Yukio heard a heart wrenching sob come from his brother, and he felt his brother's warm tears begin to soak into his shirt.
Yukio felt a warm tear drip down his own face as his brother held onto him for dear life. He was about to wipe it away, but then he realized that this is the first time in years that he's actually been able to cry. So instead of wiping it away, he allowed the solitary tear to be joined by others. He soon realized he was sobbing onto his brother just as hard as Rin was sobbing onto him, but he didn't care.
"You're not alone, Rin. I know you've felt abandoned. I know you've always been the outcast. But…you're my brother. And…I love you, Nii-san." Yukio said through his tears. His voice was slightly broken, but he was still able to keep his words clear. "I promise, I'll never leave you. Especially for something as stupid as bottling up my emotions."
"So…" Rin's voice was slightly more broken than his brother's, as he had to walk between his sobs and sniffles. "Promise t-that you'll, you'll n-never let this happen a-again?"
"What happen again?" Yukio asked while breaking the embrace.
"T-that you'll never let some i-idiot's words cloud y-your judgment," Rin took a deep breath in order to stop his sobs. "And that you'll stop holding in your emotions so much."
"Nii-san, I-" Yukio was about to say how he wasn't sure he could promise to show his emotions, before his brother cut him off.
"No, you have to promise me that you'll work on this. I'm not going to lose you just because you feel the need to bottle everything up. I know it might be hard, but I'm here for you. Shiemi's here for you. Bon's here for you. Izumo's here for you. Shima's here for you. Koneko's here for you. And I'm pretty sure even Shura, Takara, and Mephisto are here for you. I'm still not sure what's up with that Takara kid, but…I'm sure he's willing to help." Rin said, smiling through his tears. "Point is, not matter how alone you might feel through all of this, you have to remember you're not alone. You have friends, Yukio. You don't have to do this all on your own. We've all got your back."
"Nii-san…" Yukio wrapped his arms around his brother and pulled him close once again. "Thank you. I…I really don't know what to say."
"You could start by saying you'll promise to work on this."
Yukio let out a light chuckle before separating from his brother once more. "Okay, I promise I'll work on the whole emotions thing." He said while looking his brother in the eye. "If you promise to work on your studies more."
"Yukio!" Rin yelled. "Damn four eyes…" He scoffed while his younger brother laughed at him.
He couldn't help but feel happy as he notices that his brother's laugh was one hundred percent genuine.
In turn, Yukio realized that he was actually, sincerely happy right now. For the first time in a long time, he was actually happy. Sure, he's laughed and smiled and all that, but those gestures aren't the same as being happy. He realized that maybe he wasn't alone, and maybe he didn't have only himself to depend on anymore. Even though it would take some strife and some getting used to, maybe he'd be able to lean on people, and maybe he could even show his emotions to people, if that's what would make his brother happy.
One look at Rin's smiling face, and Yukio realized that's exactly what he had to do. He hadn't seen Rin smiling this much in a long time, and he was happy to be able to say he was partially responsible for it. There was just one problem left now.
"I'm not the one breaking down the door." Yukio said. "Mephisto's probably already mad at you for God only knows what, so I don't think breaking down one door could change that."
"Why can't you break it down! He wouldn't even get mad at you!" Rin defended.
"And how exactly do you figure that?" Yukio asked while raising an eyebrow at his twin.
"You have a completely clean slate! I don't think he could be mad at you even if he tried. And on top of that-"
Yukio couldn't help but laugh, an action which earned him a glare from his brother.
"What's so funny, four eyes?"
"It's just that…we went from having a psychological argument to…this. An argument about who's going to break down a door."
Rin joined Yukio in his laughter after he realized how stupid they were acting. "I'll break it down. I was the one who broke it, after all."
Rin stood up and walked over to the door. He went to kick it, but then Kuro jumped in front of Rin, as if to say 'hi',.
"Kuro!" Rin shouted. For some reason, which neither Yukio nor Kuro could ever help to understand, instead of just stopping his kick, Rin decided it would be a better idea to attempt to jump over Kuro. While still halfway through his kick. The action resulted in the door being kicked down, except Rin's weird spin to it resulted in him flinging himself through the door and out into the hallway.
Yukio and Kuro locked eyes in shock, before running out of the room to see if Rin was alright.
"Rin! Are you okay?" Yukio asked. His brother was sprawled out on the floor right in front of their room.
"Just…peachy…" Rin groaned.
"Rin! Rin!" Kuro yelled as he jumped on Rin's stomach. "I wanted to say hi before, but you and Yukio were fighting, and I didn't want to get in the way. But I'm so happy you two made up!"
"I'm glad we made up too, Kuro." He said while smiling up at Yukio, who couldn't help but return the smile.
Oh yeah, things were definitely going to be alright.
*Props if you knew I was referring to Toudou. I read back through it, and even I thought my phrasing was a little confusing. I kinda made it sound like his dad was the one saying that stuff, but…I didn't really know how to better phrase it. Hence the little '*'.