Clopin: [singing but not yet seen]
Morning in Paris, the city awakes
To the hoes of Notre Dame!
The ones 'round the corner, the ones on the street,
They're the hoes of Notre Dame!
From the big ho as fat as a blue whale,
To the little ho thin as a twig…
And some say the soul of the city's
The hollerin' hoes
The hoes of Notre Dame!
[Scene zooms in on what appears to be a mobile puppet theatre which is in the middle of the street for some strange reason. Clopin can be seen inside said puppet theatre.]
Clopin: *watching kids playing on the street*hmm….gotta get me some of that ass…
Kids: *stop playing and notice Clopin's puppet theatre, immediately going over* Oooh! A puppet show!!!
Clopin: *hadn't been paying attention to the fact that he was still wearing a puppet of himself on his hand* Ah, yes! *looks at hand* A puppet show! Gather 'round, children! The more the merrier!
Kids: *gather around Clopin's puppet theatre* Tell us a story, Mr. Stranger!
Clopin: Very well…but you ALL have to promise you'll come inside after the show! I have candy and surprises waiting for y'all! *smiles slyly* I promise you, you'll love it!
Kids: *unsuspecting* Okay, Mr. Stranger!
Clopin: Well, then. I shall begin to tell the tale by asking you all one question…
Kids: *in unison* yes, Mr. Stranger, sir?
Clopin: Are you hot cuz I'm hot! I think we should al take off our clothes, kiddies!
Kids: *give Clopin a puzzled look* …
Clopin: *nervous* Nevermind! Actually, what I really wanted to ask you was, do you know who rings the bells of the Notre Dame cathedral?
Kids: Ehm, no…
Clopin: Well, I shall tell you right now, that is one of Notre Dame's most mysterious mysteries! No one knows how he got there, or if he's even real, but I'll tell you the tale nonetheless…
Kid: *interrupts Clopin as he was about to begin* How do YOU know the story, then, if no one knows for sure that he's real?
Clopin: The bells don't ring by themselves, idiot. Now shut the fuck up, bitch!
Kid: *cries* I'm telling my mummy!!! *runs off, sobbing*
Clopin: *smiles* Now, where was I? Ah, yes! *goes into singing mode again* [Flashback begins]
Dark was the night when this nightmare begun
On the docks of Notre Dame.
Four runaway hookers slid silently under
The docks of Notre Dame.
But a trap had been laid for the hookers,
And they gasped in pure fear and alarm
At a figure whose clutches
Were iron as much as
The bells of Notre Dame.
Chorus: Take it from us, we know…
Hooker One: HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S PIMP CLAUDE FROLLO!!
Hooker Two: RUN, BITCHES!!!!
Clopin:
Pimp Claude Frollo longed to plunge the world
In vice and sin…
Chorus: Hoes and Cognac are the shit….
Clopin:
And he sought the hookers
Who had run from him…
Frollo: *looking at the four runaway hookers trembling before him in their skimpy outfits* Take these hookers to my chambers. Imma have to slap a hoe tonight…
Guard: Pimp Claude Frollo! That hooker over there holds something in her arms!
Frollo: *looks at Quasi's Mum* BITCH! Gimme my money! I know you stole it!
Quasi's Mum: *looks at him, frozen in fear*
Frollo: *impatiently looks at guard* Don't just stand there, motherfucker! Get that bitch!
Quasi's Mum: *takes advantage of the moment and runs away*
Frollo: *chases after her on horseback* SOMEBODY STOP THAT BITCH!!
Quasi's Mum: *runs and jumps over a small fence in an alley*
[Frollo, while still chasing after her, gets hit on the head by the local drug peddler's hanging sign]
Frollo: FUCKING SHIT, THAT HURT!
[The chase continued until Frollo ran into the same fence which Quasi's mum had jumped with ease]
Frollo: *angrily looking at the fence* Who the FUCK puts a fucking fence in the middle of this fucking alley!? This ain't Mexico!
[Deciding that the fence could not be overcome by horseback, Frollo took the long way instead and galloped until he had just about caught up with Quasi's Mum]
Frollo: *hollering* I'm NOT going to say this again, bitch! Gimme the damn money!!
Quasi's Mum: *knocking on the front door of Notre Dame cathedral* HELP!! RAPE!!! RAPE!!! RAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!!!
[The doors remained closed. It was then that Quasi's Mum remember what she had been taught in ninth grade health class.]
Quasi's Mum: FIIIRE!!!! HEEEELLPPP!!!! FIIIIIREEEEEEEE!!!!
[At once, the Archdeacon took notice]
Archdeacon: [from within the cathedral] Just a moment! I'll be right out!!!
[Frollo, taking advantage of the fact that Quasi's Mum hadn't noticed him, took hold of the bundle]
Frollo: *pulling at the bundle* I told you to let go of the money, bitch! I KNOW it's in here!
[Quasi's Mum struggled to keep hold of the bundle.]
[Frollo kicks Quasi's Mum in the face, causing her to let go of the bundle and fall to the ground, hitting her head on the steps of Notre Dame. The fall kills her.]
Archdeacon: [finally makes it to the door, but is still in the Cathedral] Hold on a little bit longer! I just need to unlock this door!
Frollo: *looks at Quasi's Mum* serves her right, that lying ho!
[Frollo then takes full hold of the bundle.]
Frollo: *absentmindedly starts to unwrap the bundle* now to find my---WHAT THE…HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! IS THIS A JOKE!?
[Frollo took one good look at the thing that was wrapped in the bundle.]
Frollo: This has got to be the UGLIEST prom night dumpster baby I have ever laid eyes on… *looks at it with disgust* I better put this ugly-ass motherfucker out of his misery…
[Frollo spots a well conveniently placed in his periphery.]
Archdeacon: *opens the door in dramatic fashion as Frollo is about to drown the baby* STOP!!!!
Frollo: *pauses* Oh, who the fuck is it NOW!? *glances over at the Archdeacon* Oh, it's you. What do you want, fool?
Archdeacon: Don't drop that baby in the well!
Frollo: Don't be talking shit! This here's a demon from Hell! Fucker needs to be thrown down a well like that bitch from "The Ring"!
Archdeacon: …
Frollo: What?! SOS Children's Villages sure as fuck ain't gonna take him in!
Archdeacon: *in thoughtful voice* Children's Villages, you say….Where's that at?
Frollo: …
Archdeacon: *breaks into song, looking at Frollo with stern eyes*
See the innocent ho you have killed
On the streets of Notre Dame!
Now you would add this tard's blood
To your guilt,
On the streets of Notre Dame!
Frollo: Monster's a tard, I'll give you that. But, I didn't do nothin'! Bitch ran with my money!
Archdeacon:
You can lie to yourself and your homies,
You can claim you did not kill this skank.
But you never can run from,
Nor hide whom you've fucked from the eyes,
The pervert eyes of Notre Dame!
Chorus: that's distuuuurbing…
Clopin:
And for one time in his life
Of pimping and control…
Frollo felt a smidge of fear
For his hard hustlin' soul…
Frollo: What the Hell do I do, then, you prick?
Archdeacon: *looks at Frollo* You must care for the child…
Frollo: FUCK NO I AIN'T GONNA TAKE CARE OF NO DEFORMED BITCH-ASS TWIT!
[Suddenly, a half-naked little boy comes out of the cathedral.]
Little Boy: *confused* What's going on, father? You said you'd come back quickly and continue to teach me about God…
Archdeacon: *dismayed* Get back in there! I told you not to come out!
Little Boy: Okay, father… *goes back in*
Frollo: *blinks* Aight, dawg! I'll take care of this bitch. But, let him stay with you, in the Cathedral. You seem to have a way with children…
Archdeacon: *whispers* score!
Frollo: *sings*
Just so he's kept locked away
Where no one here may see…
Even this poor nigga may
Yet one day prove to be
A hustlin' king…
Archdeacon: Well, okay. But…he's gonna need to get out of those clothes.
Frollo: …
Clopin: [narrating again] Frollo gave the child a cruel name. Quasimodo, meaning half-formed…
Now here is a rhyme so listen up clear,
Sing the hoes of Notre Dame.
Who is the hustler and who is the ho?
Sing the sluts sluts sluts sluts sluuuuuuuts,
Sluts of Notre Dame!
[Flashback over]
Kids: Whoa!!!
Clopin: So now they say the bells are rung by the monster of whom I have told.
Kids: Wow!
Clopin: *smiles* Well, that's it, kids. Now, come inside and I'll let you touch my bells…