Faltering Trust

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.

AN: Firstly, this is my first fanfic so please don't be brutal! Secondly, I am a huge Barson shipper which there aren't very many fanfics pertaining to them. This idea popped into my head after seeing the season 16 finale. We start off within December Solstice. Rating may change later, but for now it's rated T for some swearing. Please Please review!

CHAPTER 1

Rafael didn't know why he was there, how he got there, or even how long he had been standing in front of Olivia's apartment. A fleeting memory fluttered through his foggy brain about running away. The cause was of the devastating news he received about his Abuelita passing away.

He remembers his mother calling him on his cell; on his way to grab some lunch, a much needed break from all of the horrors that SVU has to offer. "Hola Mami" as he answered his phone with a grin, but she didn't respond back. His mother was whispering something that he could barely make out. It suddenly dawned on him that she was repeating the same word, Abuelita. With the realization settling in, he felt his stomach drop while nausea was threatening to spill into his mouth. The only thing that he had that morning was his usual four cups of coffee. Rafael stammered out, "I'm on my way Mami." Almost dropping his phone on the way out the door as he rushed to his Abuelita's apartment in the Bronx.

After putting the car in park, he tried to remove the keys from their holding place but dropped them on the floor of his BMW 5 series. He realized that his hands were shaking and his breathing was labored. All the while trying to hold back tears that he knew he had no right in spilling. Before he got out of the car, he took two big gulps of air to try to calm himself. In the meantime, closing his eyes tightly to make sure whatever remnant tears that were still there would spill from their crevices. Wiping away the last remaining tears from his cheeks he took one last look in the mirror. He could see the frightened niño from el barrio creeping out.

He held his mother tight in his arms trying to not only console her but himself as well. He couldn't cry, wasn't allowed to cry. He could hear his Papi's voice in his head from all those years ago, "¿Porque llores? Eres como una niña Rafael, los niños no lloren por nada. Nunca serás un hombre real." - Why are you crying? You're just like a little girl Rafael, boys don't cry for anything. You'll never be a real man. - That was right before his father slapped him in the face so hard that it knocked him off his feet.

His mother was crying fighting through the tears explaining how she came across her mother. His mind was fuzzy still having a hard time grasping the idea that she was really gone. His Abuelita who always believed in him when he had already given up. The person who had practically raised him after Papi had died and Mami was working two jobs to make ends meet. Rafael could only think of one thing. "It's my fault." At first, it came out as a whisper but then he repeated himself with much more clarity. With the clarity, came the guilt that crashed down upon him like a bag of bricks. He might as well have killed her with his own hands because that's what he did.

As soon as the words escaped his lips, he felt her stiffen in his arms. He knew right at that moment she blamed him. He looked up at his mother's eyes with fear in them that he couldn't hide. Her eyes, filled with anger and hate, stared at his with such intensity that he couldn't hold her gaze. He needed to run away. The scared niño from el barrio was back; he couldn't let him back out. Rafael did just that, he ran out the front door of Abuelita's building and into the blinding light of the day. After that everything was a blur. He faintly recalls driving to Central Park and walking around aimlessly as the hours passed by.

Now he was here in front of Olivia's door. He slowly lifted his wrist up to look at the time. His black and gold Rolex glistening for a second against the light of the hallway. It was 9:08 at night. The only reason giving him the impression of nighttime was the darkness that the window down the hall was engulfed with. He then felt himself knock on the door, two slow raps.

He froze, his hand still in mid-air. He hadn't thought this through. His mind was now reeling for the first time since hearing the devastating news. He couldn't be here. They weren't even friends. Yes they've spent countless nights at her place after work going over case files while eating dinner, but Noah was always there babbling in the background playing with his toys. "Oh shit, Noah" he whispered to himself. He had forgotten all about the little boy. He didn't want to intrude knowing that Olivia didn't get to spend much time with him because of work. She cherished the nights where she got off early enough to enjoy some time with the bubbly little boy before he went to bed. He admitted that seeing that beautiful smile when she was with Noah was the main reason he suggested for them to start meeting at her apartment after work. The little boy was starting to grow on him, something that he wasn't quite ready to admit.

Rafael let out a small whimper, all he wanted was to be held, to have someone tell him that everything would be alright. He no longer had Eddie or Alex to protect him from the pain, whether it were either physical or emotional. Would she do that for him? He assumed that she enjoyed spending time with him because after all the case files had been combed through, he always stayed after to chat over a nightcap. They could talk about anything and everything in the world and he loved seeing her genuinely laugh. Something that she hadn't been able to do for a while because of him. The bag of bricks riddled with guilt slammed into him again. He will never forgive himself for letting Lewis walk. Hell he doesn't even know how she could look over his failure like nothing happened. Because of him, she has cuts and burn scars all over her upper body. Most if not all would never fade. Every one of those scars were committed to his memory as she had to retell the graphic details of what Lewis had done to her in trial countless times.

He didn't hear any movement inside which he took that as a sign that she was already in bed. Suddenly deciding to leave, he brought his hand down so he could go back the way he once came. His knuckles hit the door with some force, the accidental knock being louder than the previous two. That is when he heard someone stir behind the closed door. Or to be more precise, Olivia was headed straight for the door. "Shit, shit, shit" he whispered to himself not knowing if he should flee or remain at the door to be most likely rejected as soon as she opened the door.