SNK (c) Isayama Hajime
She doesn't know why she's drawn to him.
He is an enigma to her. She has spent many nights with him, talking about the masks they put up and the thoughts they don't want to face—well, more like he is the one talking, and she listening—but there is something about his aura that makes her want to tell him, to trust him. She knows she is foolish for such a thing and it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, like whiskey burning a trail of hot liquid poison down her throat.
Many know of his softer, compassionate side, but only she knows of his wicked demons he entraps within himself—she knows this because she has them too, entrenched deep in her soul like the scars on her shins and knuckles, permanent and everlasting. He tells her all his fears but also his ambitions, and sometimes she can see his ruthlessness in his deep, aqua eyes, but it is only in fleeting fragments that she cannot piece together.
He tells her of his worthlessness and she nearly rolls her eyes, for she is not one for comforting the defeated when they have merely accepted their fate. But then he tells her he is going to protect them—the boy with the passionate green eyes and the girl with the bright red scarf—because they have sheltered him for far too long, often hurting themselves in his place and he thinks it is so wrong. She admires his determination but cannot understand it, for she has never had true companions like he does and she cannot wrap her head around the notion of living for other people, wanting to get stronger for other people.
When he tells her he thinks she is a nice person, she is so shocked she can only look at him in incredulity and mutter a small "Huh?" from the corner of her lips. But he looks at her with the smallest of smiles and it's so genuine that Annie wants to tell him that no, she is not nice, she is rotten to the core and he of all people should not utter such words to her. But she does not; she keeps her mouth sealed shut and lies, lies like she has been doing all her life that no, she only wants to save herself.
She has swathed herself in cocoon and he has unraveled her at the seams. When she sees his terrified face under the green of his cape she instantly feels a crushing weight settle on her chest—she is the reason why blood is trickling down his forehead, running over his eyes and down his face and she knows in the moment that she cannot kill him. His understanding smile that has wormed its way into her heart surfaces into her mind and she drops the hood, turning away and hoping she will not cross his path again.
But she does, of course. But this time, his eyes are not clear—they are full of anxiety and suspicion as they fall on her and Annie feels something within her twist at the sight. She notices the small droplets of sweat forming on his forehead and she knows that he is setting her up. She does not want to believe this but she knows it's true, she knows she has a mission to complete, so she voices her agreement and slips her ring on her finger, the metal seemingly innocent but laden heavy with guilt and stained with the blood she has smeared on her hands.
"Armin… since when have you started looking with those eyes?" she asks even though she knows the answer. She waits for the pain to come but it never does—all she feels is emptiness, a dark void opening in her chest and she realizes it is happening again—she is being betrayed again. Ironic, she thinks, that the betrayer has been betrayed by the one who she wanted to trust the most. She cannot bring herself to feel angry when he begins to question her, accuse her, because she knows that she deserves it, even welcomes it.
"I didn't want to believe it… I thought I made some sort of mistake in my judgment…that's why I didn't—" he pauses then, his expression becoming more distressed, "But… it's because you didn't kill me when you had the chance that things turned out the way they are now!"
She wants to laugh at his words, chew them up and spit them out—he is still foolish enough to want to believe in her, blindly hope that she is still the nice person he said she was—but she is not and she knows it. He still wants to trust her though she has killed his comrades, his leaders, and while she thinks this is naïve, she cannot deny that she is even the slightest bit touched by him.
How stupid, she thinks ruefully, that he has reduced me to this.
"Yes, from the bottom of my heart, I agree. I never would have imagined you'd track me down and corner me here," she murmurs, traces of bitterness settling in her tone, "That time… Why I didn't kill you, I wonder…"
She should have killed him but she could not, cannot bring herself to kill him even now. He is looking at her with those anxious eyes, yes, but she knows the moment she looks into them that she will not be able to stain her hands with his blood. He has left his mark on her, anchored his soul to hers and she finds it incredibly cruel that she must detach herself from him like this. She ignores his and Eren's pleas and goes to bite her hand—but then he fires the sound grenade and she is immediately immobilized, foreign bodies and arms restricting her. It is then that the burning pain of his betrayal sinks into her skin, gnawing and tearing at her and she looks down at him in spite, one thought coursing through her mind again and again: How could you?
She struggles anyway, fights against the odds put against her by him but she realizes it is futile. She is finished the moment she sees Mikasa fly above her, graceful but deadly as she strikes her blade through her fingers, and Annie knows in that moment that she is done for. This is the end of her path.
She feels the pull of her fall even before Mikasa finishes off her other hand, and when she is pushed to the ground she realizes that for the first time in a long time, she is terrified. She is hurt, she is afraid, and she is so, so alone.
She thinks of her father first as they try to dig her out, thinks of his strict but caring nature and his plea for forgiveness. She cannot hide her desperation as hot tears slip down her face, and she escapes this reality, encasing herself within crystal, building her barriers once again.
It is dark and lonely but she tries to imagine his bright cerulean eyes, his soothing voice cutting through the quiet of the night as she sits next to him, listening as he is talking, just like always.
A/N: I'm writing fics like crazy lately! lol I have a three day weekend, so I have some more free time :)
Some aruani for you shippers out there! The aruani archive on here is seriously deprived of fics... well, at least from the last time I checked it. It kind of breaks my heart because these two are so angsty and complicated and ugh I LOVE IT.
If anyone reading this likes eremika, get ready because next installment in fide et amor will be smut! huehuehue I'm actually really pumped lol don't look at me
reviews are always lovely :)