Chapter 2

Boundaries

If children are set boundaries it creates an invisible safety net around them without them knowing. Boundaries helps your child to understand what you expect from them and what they can learn to expect from themselves.

Here are some things you could try:

Be firm but fair

When you say something, stick to it, no matter how hard it is to do so. If you constantly change your mind your child will receive mixed messages about what you expect from them

Develop a routine for the day, using pictures or photos, to help your child know what is happening on that day

Praise your child every opportunity you get, give plenty of kisses and cuddles as often as possible

If your child displays negative behaviour tell them to stop. Try and be as specific as possible, be clear and say what they have done wrong and what they should do. For example:

'Please don't hit, hitting hurts, be gentle with your hands'. Show the child a sad face or make a sad face when they hit, then show the child how to use their hands to be gentle. Use the child's hand to gently stroke where they hit,/gently stroke their head/gently stroke a cushion or pet

Be consistent with your strategies

Reinforce your boundaries with any negative behaviour displayed, for example:

If your child throws something they shouldn't get them to pick the object up and show them how to give it to you rather than throwing it. If your child refuses to pick the object up put your hands on their hands, guide them over to the object and help them to pick the object up and give it to you

We use a system when we want our children to do something immediately, such as pick up their coat they dropped on the floor. We hold up 5 fingers and say 'please pick your coat up, you have got 5 seconds to pick your coat up', we count down as we close our fingers down, 5, 4, 3, 2, we repeat what we have just said saying 'you now have 2 seconds to pick your coat up' 2, 1, 0. This gives our child several opportunities to do as we have asked right there and then. If our child still hasn't done as we have asked we then put our hands on their hands and help them to pick their coat up. After their coat has been picked up, we praise our child for picking their coat up (even if it was with our support) and remind them to give their coat rather then drop their coat on the floor

-This 5 second countdown strategy can be used in many different situations as you see fit

A strategy we use to reinforce boundaries when out and about consists of giving them some time to understand when we are about to leave somewhere. We show our boys both hands with 10 fingers and say 'in ten minutes we are leaving'. We then give our boys ten high fives and repeat to them saying 'we are leaving in ten minutes'. We ask our eldest son to repeat the instructions to make sure he understands saying 'how long have you got before we leave?', he then shows us ten fingers. We repeat this process for when they have 5 minutes left, then 4 minutes, 3, 2 and 1 minute until we are then ready to leave. Due to our boys disabilities they find change hard to cope with and this strategy helps support their understanding of when we are about to leave somewhere

Use 'time in' when your child needs to calm down, put your child in an area here there isn't anything near them that they could hit, kick or throw. We use a mat by the front door or you could sit them on the bottom step of the stairs. Show a picture/photo, if possible, of what they have done wrong and hold a sand timer. When the sand timer has finished, ensure they say sorry before 'time in' has finished

Use a sand timer of however long you feel your child is able to sit to calm down, we use a 1 minute sand timer, but you can buy sand timers for varied amounts of minutes

'Time in' is when you stay with your child whilst they are calming down as 'time out' is when you remove your child from the situation they are in and they calm down on their own. Use your own judgement for what you feel is best for your child

If your child needs to calm down when out and about you could bring a small cushion or mat for them to sit on so they have their own space when they are calming down

Chapter 3

Rewards

Rewards should be used to reinforce positive behaviour. You should never give your child a reward if they demand it or shout, scream or have a tantrum until they do. Rewards coincide with reinforcing boundaries so it is important to be firm and fair for when rewards are given.

Rewards can be given in a great number of different ways, here are just some ways you can reward your child:

Smiling

Cuddling

Giving a kiss

Tickling

Praise

High five

Showing thumbs up

Pat/rub on back

Stickers

Sweets

Small toy

Having 'special time' with the child choosing a toy/ game to play with you

Having 'special time' with the child choosing somewhere to go with you

Reading/looking at a book together

Visit to the park

Day trip out

Swimming

Cinema

Bowling

Lazerquest

It is important to continuously reinforce the positive behaviour rather than focus on the negative behaviour.

If your child is learning a new skill, such as sitting at the table during dinner time, putting toys away after playing with them or staying in bed until they are allowed to get up you could try giving them a reward chart.

Set a realistic aim for your child for the week, if your child manages to meet the target for that day they get to put a sticker on their chart if they receive a certain amount of stickers for the week they get a reward that you both agree on.

As your child nears their target increase the amount of stickers they need to get for the week to win their reward.

It is a good idea to laminate your sticker chart and use dry wipe pens to tick when the target is achieved or use reusable stickers so you can use the sticker chart again the following week.

You can also spend time with your child decorating their sticker chart with drawings or cut and stick pictures from comics or print out their favourite cartoon characters from the internet.

I have given an example of a reward chart below for finishing their dinner:

Name

Target

Reward

Johnny

To finish all of your dinner 3 times in a week

Choose a toy

from the shop

Mon

Tues

Wed

Thurs

Fri

Sat

Sun

Target Met?

Reward charts can be made in all sorts of ways, maybe cut out an outline of a fish or a horse and draw the chart on. You could print out a picture of a caterpillar having the days of the week along it's body. Talk with your child and come up with something that they are interested in and will take notice off.

Remember to give plenty of praise when they achieve their target for the day and encourage them for the next day/week if they have tried but did not manage to achieve their target for the day or week.

Be consistent and firm, continually being positive, encouraging and supportive until your child reaches their target.