Pair Me

Main Summary: "Pair Me" is a series of one shots. One, maybe two chapters a piece. They are different stories involving different pairings among the people on SVU, including Brian, Monique, and Alex. Possibly some Abbie, since she was on the show. There's going to be about, sigh, 50 different stories, all rolled into one big one. So, enjoy!

Warning: Some stories are slash pairings, both male and female since I'm limited on people. I won't just make a bunch of hetero fics but at the same time, I won't just make a bunch of slash. Feel free to skip over stories you find offensive.

Disclaimer: Dick Wolf and everyone involved at NBC and all that crap, yeah, they own the people, I own the stories. And anyone tries to steal them from me, not even Elliot and Olivia would be able to A.)Trace it back to me, and B.)Find your body. Careful, I'm Italian. This should be under warning shouldn't it?

Pair Me: Munch/Alex

Summary: Alex was horny, Munch was there, not her first choice, but was it a good one?

Disclaimer: In Alex's POV, doesn't sound ANYTHING like her.

This job sucks. And sucks. And, oh yeah, SUCKS! Do you know how hard it is to date when you spend your time with a bunch of perverts? And all I do is prosecute them! You have no idea how horny I am right now! I need to get laid. I haven't had sex since, oh, I became the SVU ADA. Sigh, this job sucks.

Elliot's cute, scratch that, Elliot's fucking hot! Gorgeous even, on a good day, with those blue eyes, and that body, and am I the only one who noticed he always has his sleeves rolled up to right below his elbow? That's always bothered me, but I don't mind getting a sight of that tattoo, I've always loved tattoos. But alas, Elliot is married. Damn bitch. Why is she so special? Just because she's beautiful, sweet, kind and he knocked her up four times, what does she have that I don't?

His children.

Oh right. Ah well, there are other fish in the sea. I really just said that didn't I? Dear Barbara I'm turning into my mother! Sob.

Hard case. A one month old baby girl was found floating in a cooler in the East River. Apparently, she had an incurable genetic disease, Tasacs. She would have died a horrible awful, painful death before she was five. So her mother decided to murder her premature. I won, but I'm not so sure if I should have. I have no idea what I would have done if Sarah had been my daughter. Quite frankly, I don't want to think about that.

"Nice work Councelor," John said as I'm leaving the courthouse.

"She didn't deserve twenty-five." I say, a bit upset. Ok I lied, really upset.

"Jury thought so."

"Because I turned her into a whore." I say turning to face him. Munch in probably the oldest in the unit, and I think he retired once, or something, which would explain why he's so old, but mouth looks like it cuts his thin head entirely in two. He said something else, but I wasn't really listening. I was too busy thinking about the separate parts of his head. Like the Canadians on South Park.

Damn, he stopped talking. Well, I know we were talking about Andrea Brown. Ah! I know. "What if it had been your daughter," that should work. He's quiet for a moment.

"Whatever I could." He starts to walk away. I don't know if its because I'm upset or still super horny but I call after him to stop.

"Wanna buy me a drink?" I say, only partially flirtatiously. He smiles widely, of course I don't know if there's any other way for him to smile. Get over it Cabot! This may be your chance to get laid! Cringe. I never thought I'd be so desperate I'd fuck an old guy. It's either Munch or Huang, Munch it is.

He takes me to our bar. It's the bar we all go to after a case is done. Kind of like a congratulatory alcohol binge. Its really a lot of fun. Really. We sit in the back booth and order a pitcher. I figure I should be really drunk before I do this.

By now, we've been drinking for about an hour. And yet I'm still a bit on the sober side. I'm a heavy drinker, and in total between the two of us we've had four glasses. But I'm getting the hornier by the second. Screw the wrinkles, and screw me!

"So, what do you like to do after a case?" I ask casually.

"Get drunk then walk around my apartment stark naked." I blink. Is he being serious? I can't tell. I can actually picture him doing that. And that's the scary part. "What about you?"

I take a big swig of my beer, its disgusting. I hate beer! "Turn on porn and masterbate till I can't move for hours." John chokes on his beer. I laugh. I think he's actually blushing. Call the newspapers! I made John Munch blush!

"Are you serious?" he asked, taken aback. I smile seductively.

"Only because I can't ever find anyone to actually fuck." This time he chokes on...well I don't know what he's choking on. Either his tongue, his saliva, or possibly, air. I lean back, totally getting into this. "Did you ever notice that since you started working here, your sex life had been...lacking?" I say the last part after a long pause searching for the right word.

"My sex life has been lacking since my first divorce."

"Didn't you divorce like three times?"

"Yeah around there." Damn, maybe I'm making a mistake. Two years Alex, Nevermind! Alright, enough stalling! I lean closer, lift my foot and put it between Munch's legs, and start playing around. He gets a bit uncomfortable.

"Look John, I'm only going to say this once. I'm horny, I want to have sex, and I want you to fuck me." He sits in shock for a second, but I feel him getting hard underneath my foot. Oh, I'm good. "Like, now?" I didn't have to say anything else. He jumped out of the table, grabbed my hand, left a couple of bucks for a tab in one swift move. I think he's been celibate longer than I have. He hails a cab, which comes pretty quickly. We dive in, and wait forty-five long minutes to get home. People are honking all around us. This is New York, you haven't realized there are a lot of traffic jams? Finally we make it to my apartment building.

I'm the first to run up, but John is close behind me. For an old guy, he moves pretty quickly. Finally we're outside my door. I can't take it anymore. I grab him, push him into the wall and start to passionately kiss him. Surprisingly he's a really good kisser. I pull my keys out of my purse-still kissing him mind you!-and unlock my door. He grabs me by my shoulders and pushes me inside. Ooh aggressive! I jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. He stumbles only a little. I smile, he outright laughs.

"Sorry," I say.

"Bedroom." Well he's eager. We keep kissing.

"Left," he turns. We take a total of five steps into the hall. "Right," and bedroom! He kicks down the door. Police are so sexy! He walked over to the bed and we collapse ontop of it, his hands exploring my body. My hands are trying to open his shirt, but to no avail. Screw it! I rip it open. He jumps off.

"What?" I say, confused. "I'll buy you a new one."

"It's not that." Oh damn, he's getting serious again. "Maybe we shouldn't be doing this." NO NO NO! YOU CANNOT BACK DOWN NOW BITCH!

"Oh come on," I say surprisingly calm, despite how I feel. "How many times can you say you fucked a hot blond half your age." He contemplated the thought for a minute. I had made sure to emphasize you.

"Good point." And he's back, right now pants. You know it'd be easier if you took off my clothes. There they go! And his pants are down. And he is huge! God, his bony white ass has been holding out on us. That bastard! He lets go for a second. He's still wearing his glasses.

I frown.

"Take off your glasses." He does. Eek! "Put your glasses on." And now for sex. I reach into my nightstand and pull out a condom. I bet you're wandering "why do you have condoms, you haven't been having sex," first of all, don't remind me! Second of all, every self respecting woman should always be prepared with a one hundred pack of condoms, of any size. I pull out an extra large. Oh I am so gonna have fun tonight. I flip over, and put the condom on with my teeth. What you want details to what happened next? Are you crazy? There's children in the room! But I will tell you, it was amazing.

"Harder! Harder! Fuck me! Fuck me harder!" I scream, and he pushes harder and harder. I wrap my legs around him again as an attempt to push all of it far in. "Oh my!" I yell, as I reach my fourth explosive orgasm. God, this old guy can really go for a hell of a long time. Finally he's finished. And he collapses on me. I need a cigarette. I open my night stand again and pull out a pack of Marlboro lights and a lighter. John laughs. I light my cigarette and take a long drag.

"What?"

"I didn't know you smoked."

"Only when I've gotten some." I hand him the cigarette and he takes an even longer drag than I did. He blows the smoke away from my face. How sweet.

"That was incredible." I say, mostly to myself rather than John.

"Why thank-you. I try." Always the smart ass. Its cute. I take another drag of the cigarette. I can taste his saliva on it. Normally that would gross me out, but for some reason, tonight it didn't bother me, whatsoever.

"So," I begin. "When's the next time you wanna buy me a drink?"

A/N: And completed with the first story in this series. I hope you liked it, and I just want to say, everything Alex said negatively about John, was strickly for comedic reasons. I want this to be funny. I didn't succeed? Damn. Ah well R&R all!