So this is a very belated birthday present to Amy (Shortcake99). Happy (very) belated birthday! I really wanted this up on your actual birthday but I got a new laptop and this was still on the old one and then there was Desert Dreams to contend with. Still, better late than never, right? So, I hope you enjoy this one - even if it's not fluffy in the slightest!
Warning: As I mentioned above, this has no fluff. It's very angsty and doesn't have a happy ending. So if you do like happy ending with warmth and fluff and whatnot and won't read a fic without it then this is not for you. Sorry.
So this takes place sometime near the end of season 7 but before 'Patriot Down'. You know how the team solve cases apart from the ones we see them doing? Yeah, this is one.
I've been wanting to write this for ages and have just finished it and it was very interesting to write. I enjoyed it!
Reviews make me smile. Just remember that!
(Oh and the title means 'from the beginning'. I got it from my Latin textbook.)
6.
There's a heaviness that hangs in the air. It's to the point of almost suffocating but neither occupant in the room acknowledges it. Their attention is solely focused on the other, neither backing away from the eye contact. The freshly said words echo around their heads and hurt just as much as they did when they were said. One is breathing heavy and the other just stares, unable to keep his mind away from what she has just said.
3.
The case is closed and the bullpen is dark. Only the people at the Asian desks are still in the squad room , chattering away in a babble of languages on their phones. Team Gibbs is still there of course, turning off their lamps and getting ready to leave for the night.
"Where's Ziva?" Tony asks, grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair.
McGee looks up in surprise, it's been a while since Tony's not known where Ziva was. "She left, Tony. Like an hour ago. She looked off. She's been funny all day."
Then Tony is rummaging through his desk drawers for his keys even faster than he had before. He's at the pint of tipping it upside down before he finds the offending items, hanging innocently from their silver loop.
"Tony, Ziva doesn't need to you looking for her twenty-four seven," McGee calls after Tony. Although, he's not surprised by his behaviour at all.
Tony almost doesn't hear him but he needs to reply. The elevator doors almost shut with a soft ding before Tony responds. But he does and McGee hears his words.
"Someone's gotta."
1.
There's another case and another coffee in Gibbs' hand. It's only ten am but already the team is busy. The banter flowing between McGee, Ziva and Tony is normal, easy. Easy enough that they hardly even need to think about it. Not one of them looks like they've had an easy night, but the rest have long since learned not to ask questions.
Never ask about some else's skeletons in their closet if you don't want them to ask about yours.
Tony and Ziva are sent to interview a young lieutenant who knew their victim. She's not a day over twenty-two and has big, dark eyes that look frightened. It's Tony who watches Ziva's face carefully throughout their talk, because the things their lieutenant is saying hit's a little too close to home. But she has her ninja face on and Tony can't tell what she's feeling. If she's feeling anything at all.
In the car ride back to the Navy yard, he asks her if she's alright. He's not at all surprised by the answer.
"I'm fine."
4.
Tony probably breaks every traffic law known to man on the way to Ziva's apartment. He doesn't even pretend to care. A cop pulls him over and he just flashes the guy his badge. Sometimes being a federal agent has its perks.
He gets to her apartment in one piece and decides to run up the stairs to her floor. It makes his lungs feel like they're going to explode but it's hard to care because it's Ziva in that apartment and Ziva's not right - she hasn't been right in a long time. He'd do anything for her, he thinks he's already proved that.
Knocking on her door, breathless and sweaty, Tony can't stop thinking of the possibilities. They're endless. Anything could be wrong. Sometimes Tony thinks that Ziva thinks she has nothing left. He's spent four years - almost five - trying to prove her wrong.
She opens the door with red eyes and a thick voice asks, "What do you want?".
It's obvious she's been crying but she'll never admit it.
She'll never admit weakness.
7.
"I can't believe you would say that," Tony says, sinking in to Ziva's chair.
"It is true," she says in a tone that is not quite anger but it's not just a statement.
"Yeah but… how could you even think to say that. How could you even think that those words wouldn't have an effect on me?" Tony's voice is rising and so is his anger.
"You asked, Tony! You asked why I was angry with you! You cannot be angry for something you knew was going to happen! You knew I was going to say something you would not like, so do not even dare to be angry. Do not even think it!" She shouts and Tony backs down because she's right.
She usually is.
2.
The young lieutenant's face is on the screen. She looks so small and scared, even in death. Innocent. Sometimes Ziva wonders if she would look innocent in death. Probably not. You can only look innocent if you are innocent.
Innocent is the one thing she has never been.
It's not that she really minds. She's never been innocent and you can't miss something you never had. But you can long for something you've never had. She's known innocence and she thinks that it would be nice to be considered innocent. Just once.
The things her friend said… she knew that every part of it was true. It reminded Ziva of a place that was better forgotten. And it brought back the anger. Oh, the anger that had torn away the remaining shreds of her soul. Thankfully she'd let go of it before her return to NCIS, but the words of the young lieutenant's friend hadn't been long in bringing it back.
It's this anger that lets her glare and stops her from speaking to Tony without guilt for the rest of the day.
5.
"What's wrong, Ziva?" Tony asks gently.
She immediately looks away from him if only so he doesn't see the burning hate in her eyes. Ziva might be angry with him, but she won't hurt him unnecessarily. Not again.
So when he asks her again, she tries so very hard not to snap and starts pacing her small living room up and down until she's almost sure that she's worn tracks into the beige carpet.
The final straw comes exactly fifty-five seconds after her pacing has began. Tony - who has been getting impatient - asks ever so gently, "Are you angry at me?"
And Ziva can't help herself. "Yes!" She snaps and it's loud, bordering on a shout.
"Why?"
"Because you wouldn't let me die!" There. It's out.
Tony's eyes knit together in confusion. "What?" Ah, the incredulous question of those misunderstanding.
One she starts speaking, however, it is clear that this is about Somalia and her capture.
"I said I was ready to die! I was! I wanted to die and you came and rescued me! You wouldn't let me die! So, yes, I am angry with you!"
And beneath the simmering hatred in her eyes, Tony can see that she means it.
8.
They sit on her sofa for a while, not talking or looking at each other, just thinking.
Eventually, Tony manages to get out, "How long have you felt this way?"
Ziva, who is subdued and seems rather shy at this moment in time, whispers, "I felt it when you came for me and in the days before I came back to NCIS. Then it went away. But today… what the lieutenant's friend said… it all came back."
Tony nods, conceding, as if she has a fair point. "She said her friend was never the same after what happened. That she was quieter, more careful of what she said. Angry. Lieutenant Coleman said that she had never seen her friend that angry before."
Ziva nods. "You cannot imagine… what it feels like. I was so close, Tony, closer to death than I ever had been before. And I felt happy. I was glad because there was nothing else to wait for, nothing more to hope for. I knew that even on the tiny chance I got out of that place and lived, I would have to live with the memories and scars for the rest of my life. I did not want that. I do not want that."
And Tony wants to cry because he's never, ever heard her say things like this before. And it upsets him. "Why are you angry at me ?" It was the detonator. The explosion was immediate.
"Because you were the one that planned that mission, Tony! You were the one that decided you needed vengeance. You should have left me alone! Haven't you learned your lesson by now? The ones who get too close end up either hurt or dead. You should have stayed away." There are tears on Ziva's face now and she makes no noise.
Tony thinks for another minute, comprehending all that she has said. "Do you still want to die?"
Ziva can't lie to him. "Sometimes. Sometimes I have flashbacks or nightmares so vivid that I wish I was dead so I could escape them."
That was a safe enough question so Tony ventures with another one. "Are you still angry at me?"
A nod. "Yes. I cannot pretend that I am not. I am sorry, Tony. I did not want to hurt you."
Except her apology isn't what he wants. "We'll be alright, Ziva. Won't we?"
Ziva has to be honest. She shakes her head. "No, Tony. I do not think we will be."