Hisana is dead I tell myself. The girl in front of me is her sister, Rukia. Do NOT even think that she may be Hisana. They look so much alike though. But I am too old anyways. While she is but a teenager, I am thousands of years old. She is a baby to me. A baby sister. I loved Hisana as my wife, but Rukia cannot take that spot in my life. She is too young. I love her as a sister, I protect her because she is my sister, but she will never be my wife. I will never let her take the place of Hisana.
As these voices debate in my head, I walk toward a peaceful garden, in my peaceful daydream. I convince myself that everything is fine, that I have nothing to worry about, everything is peaceful…peaceful. The word reminds me of her, and how I loved her so very much. She was my soft spot, my weakness. Now that she is gone, I must protect my vow and protect her sister, the poor teenage woman who does not know.
Hisana made me promise not to tell her the true story. So Rukia thinks that I pitied her and made her my sister. She thinks I saw her face one day and just decided to make her a part of my family. This is what everyone tells her, so this is what she must believe.
I yearn to let her know the truth, but then I fear my love for her sister will become a love for her. I fear that she will be too kind and gentle, too much like her sister, and I will fall in love with her, thinking she is really her sister. That is why I cannot tell her the truth. Not until I can learn to control my own strong feelings and bury them inside myself for all eternity. Only then she can know, she WILL know.
I know that I will never find a true replacement for Hisana, and I must not go looking for one. I know all I will be doing to Rukia if I tell her too soon is hurting her. I will be trying to replace Hisana with her because they look alike, act alike, probably even think alike. That is how I knew which little girl was Rukia. Aside from the fact that she was a poor little child, helpless, when I found her, she was just like her sister.
I must distance myself from Rukia. That is the only way. If I do this, I will eventually come to realize that I am just trying to replace Hisana with her, and I can hopefully overcome my weakness. There is, however, a fault in my plan that I see right now. What will she think if I distance myself from her? She will wonder, she will hope not to have hurt me in any way, and in turn I may hurt her in doing this. Despite this, I must have some alone time, like now. I will do things like this more often, and then she will not worry, and I can overcome my greatest weakness of all. Hisana.
I must have fallen asleep. My hair is tousled, my eyes sticky with sleep. Her name still rings in my head. Like a thought that was never really put away. This thought is the ghost of my love. If I rid myself of it, I rid myself of my weakness. I wish I could sit here all day, just thinking of her, but I must go. I must have been here a while, and the others may think I have been shirking my duties. I will come back to this thought, though. Later.
As I comb my hair, put in my clips, and smooth my clothing, all I think about is her. Before I rush out the door, I take one last look at her picture, and stash it away in an unused drawer. I must rid myself, hard as it will be, of her spirit, her love, everything about her that weakens my soul and power. I will carry on without her from now on.