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Anonymous "Out of this World" One-Shot Crossover Contest
Title: A Crazy, Furry Hell
Movie Title, TV Show or Book and Author: TV Show: Sesame Street
Recognizable Character(s) from other world: Zoe, Big Bird, Snuffy, Count Von Count, Cookie Monster, Oscar, and Elmo
Rating: T
Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters used in this story. They were used for the sole purpose of enjoyment and fun in writing. Characters belong to the Sesame Street Corp and Stephenie Meyer.
Summary: When the parentals are away and Emmett wants to play, he takes Nessie to a land of happy, furry, creatures. Can she find her way back to normalcy when everything around her is borderline crazy? Lots of laughs. Rated T for sexual references and some language.
The worst thing about being sick while your mom and dad are in college… is that you have to be babysat by your uncle who doesn't know a thing about catering to sick 'little' children. Don't get me wrong, I love my Uncle Emmy, he lets me get away with anything I want, and thus, we have more fun together than anyone else in the house. We have caused a lot of chaos, stained more carpets, destroyed more furnishings and uprooted more plants than we can count. And it's always a blast. Each time we do something ridiculous, Grandma Esme will only shake her head and mutter under her breath, "The Cullens are at it again."
Emmett's theory is 'children are to be seen and heard verses being innocent little nimrod idiots who sit on their hands and don't live.' And let me tell you, we lived. Just like the time he forced me to swallow the night crawler before Grandpa Charlie had a chance to put it on his fishing hook. It was disgusting, and I threw up all over Emmett's lap. That day, I learned a valuable lesson—night crawlers and deer blood, don't mix, so don't bother trying. And Emmett learned a valuable lesson as well—karma.
The sun wasn't out today; such was a typical Forks afternoon. The rain came down in a light drizzle, which was lulling me to sleep. Of course, the stupid show that Uncle Emmett turned on for me didn't help maintain my attentiveness in the least bit. Yes, I was only three years old physically, but did he not realize that my mental capabilities were greater than his? What ever happened to understanding that age was just a number? I mean, if that wasn't true, how else can you explain Demi Moore snagging Ashton Kutcher?...
Granted, I looked little on the outside, but inside, I was probably somewhere gaining on high school level, or at least that's what everyone assumed. I read at a high school level, did college algebra, wrote thesis papers that could belong to some of the smartest and greatest, but yet, I was still a child in his eyes. It didn't make sense to Emmett that I would rather be watching something like One Tree Hill, or 90210, hell, that new vampire show on the CW even looked interesting. Yup, those Salvatore brothers sure looked…interesting. But for whatever reason, Sesame Street was appealing to him… to me, it was just snooze worthy.
Mom of course, hated leaving me like this, but dad had to go and remind her that if she missed class today she would lose an entire letter grade. So she set me up in front of the TV with two inches worth of foam, blankets and pillows under a fort so I could relax and have some kind of play time in her absence. As childish as it may seem, the confined area comforted me in their absence, and for as crappy as I felt, I would take whatever comfort or feel good remedy I could find. She kissed my forehead and told me she loved me and she'd see me soon.
Okay, so being sick and watching TV all day wouldn't have been that bad; except for the fact that it was only Uncle Emmett and me, everyone else had cleared out this morning and was off doing their respective things—shopping, working, or at class. I was alone with a baboon, and a crazy, hairy, overly zealous, bear-eating baboon at that!
When the opening song of Sesame Street came on, I rolled my eyes and cuddled in deeper to my hidden fortress, mentally singing along with the song—just because I didn't like the show didn't mean I hadn't seen it a time or two…or five thousand. But as we started learning our letter of the day, my eyes grew heavy and incontrollable. My brain had a mind of its own, and it eventually turned me over to the anticipated sleepy-land.
Not much time for sleepy-land though, as Emmett woke me with a shake.
"Come on, Nessie. You've gotta wake up! You're parents are gonna flip their lids if we're late!" Emmett pleaded.
I grumbled in response and held my hand against Emmy's cheek to show him a very threatening mental picture of me covering him in honey and sticking Jake's dirty clothes all over him. Uncle Emmy hated the smell of my Jakey almost as much as Aunt Rosie did, and clothes that Jake had been wearing were the bestest smell in the entire world to me…but Emm and Rose always made constant gagging noises and pretended like they were holding their breath…even though they of course didn't even need to breathe. Ahh, what a humorous pair of whiney babies those two are…
"Eww! No way! I let you get away with that once… no, maybe twice… well, three times if you count the time you included feathers. But four times? I don't think so missy! Please get up, Nessie, my favorite little hybrid shortcake," Emmett begged.
"Why? I just laid down," I mumbled without opening my eyes.
"Because as much as I hate having werewolf stink on me, there's no telling what your feisty-as-hell mom might do to me if we don't go meet her right now."
"I know what she'll do," I said as I pressed my palm against Emmett's cold arm and showed him pictures of my mommy transforming Emmett's manly Jeep into a life-sized Barbie Jeep—painted glittery pink front-to-back, pink fluffy seats like cotton candy, gas pedals shaped like high heel shoes, pink wheels, the awesome Barbie Girl song blaring out the impressive sound system, and of course, a decal on the back that said, 'Real men wear pink.' Emmett's normal ballsack-shaped cowbell hanging from underneath the hitch even had half of it chopped off!
"Noooooo, she wouldn't dare castrate my precious Jeep!" I laughed as Emmett reflexively grabbed his crotch. Man, my uncle had the mental capacity of a twelve-year-old. "Hurry and get up, we gotta save my Jeep."
"I was just kidding, Emmy. Don't get your pink panties in a wad. I'm getting up. I'm getting up. Hold your horses," I grumbled. Why is it that I'm acting like the mature adult in this scenario, and Emmett is about to cry at the very thought of a little glitter and a bright flash of color on his big boy toy?!
I took his hand, and complained as he pulled me up, anticipating my back still hurting, my knees aching, and my head splitting at the seams from the stupid flu I had caught from someone at the Rez. Silly Indian boys don't know to stay home when they are sick! The only thing that brought a little bit of a smile was the thought of Jake beating him up for making me this way.
Grandpa Carlisle told me it was mild and that I'd be fine with some rest, but Aunt Rose claimed it was the incorrigible canine influenza and stole surgical masks from Carlisle that she wore nonstop around the house. She even filled my bag with a stack of masks alongside a note that read 'Nessie, Please always wear protection when you're with Jake. Next time, he might give you something even medicine and industrial-strength cleaner can't get rid of. Love ya girl, R.'
I didn't think it was that mean of Rose, or out of her character to take a jab at Jake saying he'd give me the flu again, and I'd gotten used to her remarks by now… so had Jake. He even somewhat enjoyed the back and forth banter. But my daddy sure did get raging mad when he caught Emmett repeating the note over and over again in his thoughts. I guess being a mind-reader does have disadvantages—people could more easily annoy you. But I still didn't see what the big deal was. And come to think of it…I hadn't heard from Jake since right after that… hmmmm… strange.
When I turned to look out the window to see the incoming light, I noticed the window open, and instinctively I inhaled through my nose, ecstatic that I had regained function of the once pointless bump of snot on my face.
"You look like you're feeling better there squirt. What do you say, you wanna go out for a walk?" Emmett asked me with a larger-than-life smile on his face.
"Sure, but only if I can race you," I giggled, my illness feeling completely gone. Just like my parents, I loved the feeling of speed. I loved running as fast as I could, feeling the wind brush through my hair and kiss my face. It was the most exhilarating feeling I had encountered thus far.
"No, stay close, you don't know where we're going," he answered, winking at me.
"What do you mean, 'I don't know where we are going?' Forks is so small…."
"But Nessie, don't you see…it's a sunny day, it's sweeping the clouds away. We're on our way to where the air is sweet," he whispered.
"Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?" a random woman's voice sang from the background. I looked around, trying to locate the sing-song voice that sounded all too familiar. Hmm, he must've left the TV on.
"Uncle Emmy, what are you talking about?" I questioned timidly, still looking around, noticing things starting to blur around me as we stepped through the back door. "Are we going to Canada? That's the only place I know with sweet air." It tasted like sugarcane and caramel, and made me super thankful to only be half vampire and still like some of the good human food.
"No, baby girl, better than Canada. There's friendly neighbors there, that's where we meet," Emmett sang as he began skipping through the back door. I looked up at him, cocking my eyebrow just as I had seen my father do a million times before as I silently questioned what he was doing. The man was turning certifiably Looney Tunes right before my eyes, and I was here alone with this closet freak.
I was about to ask where could possibly be better than Canada. It was a favorite vacation spot of mine, lots of large wild animals to hunt, and not very sunny…It was perfect…well, aside from our weird pseudo "relatives" the Denali's that always lusted after my dad and made my mom want to go all Carrie Underwood 'Before He Cheats' on their asses. (Yeah, I said ass. I'm really a teenager, remember?) But before I could get a word out, Emmett swooped me up in a rolled up blanket or carpet…I wasn't sure what it was, but Esme is soooo gonna be pissed if Emmett stole her imported cashmere rug to play outside on. He slung me onto his back, still wrapped like a caterpillar in a cocoon as he took off running.
"It's a magic carpet ride. Every door will open wide, to happy people like you—happy people like me…" he continued singing. I was really starting to worry. I mean, Uncle Emmy had an imagination, but magic carpet ride? Really? If it wasn't for him being a vampire, I'd bet a million dollars that he drank more than a few of my bottles of cough syrup and popped a handful of painkillers from Grandpa Carlisle's cabinet. Hell, he may have even washed it all down with a bottle of Jack. (Just 'cause my parents can't drink doesn't mean the boys on the Rez don't! Don't judge me.)
He suddenly slowed his pace and started pointing around to some townhome looking buildings lined up that I had never seen anywhere near Forks before. "Friendly neighbors there, that's where we meet," Emmett continued as if nothing had ever changed.
"Hey there, can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?" Emmett called to a woman dancing and singing her way past us. Oh for crying out loud! Now Emmett is unleashing his crazy on other people… I should probably call Grandpa Carlisle and have him come get us. I would hate to have to drag him and Esme's rug back to the house by my self. It's not that I couldn't, because I had plenty of times before when he tried to run away after I kicked his butt in Mario Kart; it's just that I really had no clue where Emmett took me…. Maybe this lady would actually know.
"Oh hello there, friends! You're here! We've been waiting for you! Everyone's so excited to meet you, Reneseme!" she raved as I gripped tightly to Emmett's hand. I'd take my crazy loon of an uncle any day over this uber chipper woman who mysteriously knew my name. Last time a group of strangers knew my name, it was a stand-off war with a bunch of Italian vampires that wanted to kill me and my family…this time, who knows, it could very well be strangulation with rainbows, sunshine and campfire songs. They could be devil fairies from the land of too much caffeine for all I knew, or worse… pixie dust.
Oddly enough a polka-esq melody rang out clearly from somewhere, eliciting a grumbly voice to call out, "Muuusic!" The big green-headed thingy groaned loudly and threw his hands over his ears in disgust.
I glanced around me looking for the speaker system, and it was then I noticed characters from the same children's show dancing and singing in the street. The crowd was flowing from everywhere, and I was suddenly unsure of whether I was being punked or not. Instead of looking for some semblance of normalcy, maybe I should be trying to find Ashton; maybe he could bring some clarity to this situation as well.
Maybe this was one of those conventions where a bunch of crazy fans get together and obsess over their compulsive craziness. I reached over to show Emmett a picture of me wishing we were at an AnimaCon conference instead of this ridiculous Sesame Street gig, but Emmett let go of my hand and ran to where everyone was conversed in mass chaos.
I rolled my eyes and attempted to turn back around to go back into the house, clearly not amused at his theatrics and still slightly wary of the characters now parading through the streets after a peppy fella of a crossing guard with a whistle and a tiny little stop sign that I've never actually seen used in real life. I think he was actually wearing the same costume Carlisle did last year for Halloween when he was the police officer from The Village People. I was waiting for this guy to start a rendition of Macho Man, and break into the YMCA dance. Oh dear god, please, please don't break into drag and do the hula like a bunch of queer folk. I don't want to bear witness to my uncle doing such things! As it is, I already had to watch him hump Aunt Rosalie's leg like the mutt he claimed not to be. Please don't make me go through this too!
I turned back around in an attempt to just leave Emmett and his dopey friends here and head back home, but behind me now stood a row of duplex housing units that looked like they belonged, ah hell, like they belonged on Sesame Street. My hand came to my forehead with a great thump as I tried to find someway out of this stupidity, but I was clueless.
"Uncle Emmett, I want to go home! Mom and dad should be home soon!... Emmy!" I called out to him through the crowd conga-lining down the cobblestone street.
I whined, twirling in circles, trying desperately to find him. I screamed, exasperated as two claw hands covered my eyes and whispered 'boo' in my ear.
"Your parents are here you silly milly. You just have to find them… you just have to find them… you just have to find them…." Emmett's voice kept fading in the background until there was nothing. My eyes shot open and I looked around, trying to find where the big lug had ran to, but I was alone. This was, by far, the weirdest game of hide and seek Emmett had ever played with me! Even more strange than the time he emptied the contents of a real bear and hid inside there like it was a suit you'd rent from a costume store…and that was pretty damn weird.
The singing had since stopped, the music drawing to a complete halt, and the world around me to a standstill of nothingness. The wind was blowing autumn leaves across the ground, but other than that, I was met with nothing. No voices, no people, no animals, just eerie silence.
My eyes continued to gaze around the abandoned street, seeking someone, anyone at this point. Following some twinkling lights I found what appeared to be a penthouse at the top of one of the buildings, the twinkle lights read 'Paradise'. I could feel my brow furrow as I wondered how this fit into the whole scenario. A penthouse, in a building called Paradise… this couldn't be Sesame Street; hell, this could be déjà vu land for all I knew. Where had Emmett taken me? If I knew Emmett, he'd much rather be in a Penthouse in Paradise than singing stupid show tunes and dancing down the street with a bunch of furry people. That's just more his style…and even if not, it's more mine and that's where I'm headed. You know what they say, class over trash. And I'd call class any day.
Cautiously, I started getting closer toward the sign, looking in both directions like a lost child, before I crossed the street. Hell, I was a lost child…sort of. I was definitely lost anyway! Not a car on the road or another person in sight…freaky. Even in Forks there are people on the streets in the daylight, just not us Cullens.
As I approached the front steps, there was a sharp bang along the curbside that caused me to jump. And low and behold, a grungy green monster popped his head out of the trash can. The smell assaulted me, and made me raise my shirt over my nose in disgust. This couldn't be Sesame Street, it smelt like the inside of one of Jake's old tennis shoes… or even worse, the inside of a public restroom after someone just had the chicken chow mien from a bad Chinese restaurant.
"Is it safe to come out?" he asked skeptically as his large eyes roamed the empty streets. Oh crap! He talks too! What the hell? Where in the world has Emmett gotten me into this time?
"I don't know! I don't know where everyone went! One second they were singing and dancing, and then…" I frantically explained.
"Whoah, whoah whoah!" the familiar creature interrupted. "Singing and dancing? This is worse than I thought!"
"What? Oh no! What happened?" I questioned. I was suddenly worried that maybe Emmett lost control on one of the unsuspecting Sesame Street fanatics and the line between real fur and a cheap synthetic material was blurred by the overwhelming hunger.
"Nothing. Just some disgusting talk about the sun being out. I hate it when the sun's out. And need I remind you that there was singing and dancing. Yuck!" he grumbled. "What is this place coming to?" His stubby arms crossed across his chest and he began to grouch under his breath, just low enough that I couldn't understand what he was saying.
"Yeah, I know a few people who hate the sun too…but I'm right there with ya, Oscar. Something is strange with these people being so happy."
"Finally, someone agrees with me! I thought I was the only one who didn't like the peppy spirits in this god-forsaken-fruity-smelling-place. I don't see why we can't have sewage wrestling fights or trash talking contests; that's a million times better than stupid singing and ridiculous dancing! But what are you in for?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, completely lost and utterly grossed out by the very real possibility that this green glob had rolled around in sewage earlier today.
"I mean, you had to do something to get stuck in this purgatory, what are you in for? What'd ya do?"
"Oh! Uh, I don't know, I was home sick with my Uncle Emmett, and he just… I don't know how we got here, or really even where I am," I confessed, fear finally setting in as I realized I was in a strange place, alone.
"Well, you're at Sesame Street. Do your parents know where you are?"
I shook my head, the tears ready at any moment to fall. I was in Sesame Street, and I didn't know how to get home. Emmett brought me here, and left me alone, with no family, no adults, and now I only had this grumpy, grouchy green puppet thing that smelt more disgusting than dog food and horse terds.
All of a sudden, a small brown blur zipped past us on the street honking a squeaky horn so high-pitched it could probably cut glass. My hair blew across my face, obstructing my view momentarily and basically just startling the crap out of me! I was able to get the strands out of my face just as what looked to be a little boxcar did a doughnut down in the cul-de-sac and then drifted sideways up onto the curb in front of a glass storefront.
I watched as a little orange furry monster wearing a pink tutu hopped out over the top of the car in a rush along with…"Alice?" I squeaked out, barely audible to even Oscar, but if it was really Alice, she'd have no problem hearing.
"Nessy!" a voice shrieked from down the street. Yup, it's Alice! I ran down the street toward her awaiting arms without a second thought. My tears were instantly forgotten, and a smile joined my face as I knew Alice would check out different scenarios and let me know what we had to do to get home.
Before I could reach Alice, the little orange fur-ball jumped out and enveloped me in a massive hug around my waist. She may have only had three chubby fingers and about three feet tall, but apparently we weren't the only mystic creatures who had super strength—this chick was cutting off the circulation to my legs. This little pink tutu of hers and her peppy attitude was just a façade so she could trap you into believing she's sweet before she unleashes the super smothering strength.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Nessy," she sang in obvious excitement. "I'm Zoe, your auntie has told me so, so much about you! We're going to be the best of friends."
"Listen peachfuzz, you better let go of me right now! I can't feel my legs!" I warned, and she immediately removed her death grasp.
"I'm so sorry. I just love visitors, especially ones that are as fun as Alice and you, and who love to go shopping."
I proceeded to shake the lower half of my body in an attempt to resume feeling.
"Oh, you want to dance? We looooooove to dance!" Zoe squealed as she proceeded to shake her romp around in circles. "Dance party! Hit it Britney!" And a Britney Spears song proceeded to play out from these damn invisible speakers I can't seem to find where they're located.
Not that I didn't like the Britney. I mean, she was made of all kinds of awesome, and it was ten times better than the polka-fest Emmett was congaing down the street to awhile ago, but I was just not in the mood.
I ignored her and got straight to the point. "Auntie Alice, Emmett brought me here, and left me! I want to go home!"
"You can't go home yet! Now is the best part. Zoe and I were just about to go shopping, because 'S' is for shopping, and 'S' is the letter of the day. You should come too, because shopping is something we share. And we love sharing, and sharing starts with 'S' too!" Alice grinned, while I felt her forehead to see if maybe she came down with this dog flu too and it just made vampires go looney. I was absolutely sure somebody had spiked the Kool-aid up in this place because everyone I knew was going just a liiiiiitle wacko.
"Do you know what else starts with 'S'?" Zoe piped in.
"Shut up?" I asked. "Stop interrupting my conversation? Send me home? So help me God if I can't find my mom? Shove that tutu up your…"
"No, silly! It's Sesame Street!" Yeah, how could I forget this wretched, brightly colored hell?!...oh no! What if this is hell for vampires? What if I died in my sleep, and this is where I get to live out eternity…Please no…I was a good half-vampire. I didn't even bite that many people.
"Well, we need to hurry. The little hand of the clock is on two and the big hand is on three, and we need to be done shopping before the big hand hits the nine. Do you know what time that is? Say it all together...Two forty-five!" Alice instructed as if she were talking to someone behind me. I turned around to check, but no one was there. Next thing I know, she took my hand and resumed her skipping down the street. All this skipping everybody wants to do! I sure do know what I'm getting Alice and Emmett for Christmas—Skip-Its!
With little to no effort and so much grace, her feet rose off the ground as if she were flying, so high and fluid. I often found myself jealous at the fact that I wasn't taller, that I didn't have the long legs to compete at the family games. I sucked at running, and now skipping. Someday, when I grew, I'd finally be tall enough to contend, and win.
We made our way into a cartoon looking clothing store where bright, flat colors surrounded us and made me cringe. I'd admit I was no fashionista like my aunts, but this… there was no way these things could be deemed fashionable.
"Oh, isn't this cute, and this, and this!" Zoe insisted throwing the warped looking clothing into my arms. "Now don't forget to add it up, I can't spend over five dollars."
"Well, we're there," I lied, wanting to get to some realm of normalcy.
"Oh no silly, you've got to make sure to add right!" Zoe informed in a sing song voice. I rolled my eyes. I knew how to add, I wasn't an idiot. I just didn't want to be here, especially with all of these ugly clothes. She started counting and adding the seventy-five cent shirts that were handed to me.
"There, six shirts, four dollars and fifty cents! You see…." I blocked Alice out as she ran through the numbers, each time doubling seventy-five cents. I rolled my eyes as she droned on and on.
"Now, we've got to go see the Count! Maybe he can help us learn the number of the day, six!"
Instead of skipping, thank god—a kid could get exhausted skipping everywhere—we got into the zoemobile, and drove in crazy loops, and zig zags to the fortress that was at the very end of the street. The bats flying around were an idiot's way of poking fun of the ancient vampire myths. These rabbits were two clichés short of a zombie's brain. (Uncle Emmett told me to call people rabbits instead of jack asses, something to do with a jack rabbit… I don't know, I don't really understand. I mean what the hell is a jack rabbit anyway, either way, it worked)!
Again, with the skipping, we entered the dungeon and heard the poor Dracula accent busting through the foyer.
"Now, vadies and gentleman, vet's count. Vun vittle, two vittle, three vittle vampires, four vittle five vittle, six vittle vampires." With each number he pointed to a bat or himself, my father, Alice, but once he got to me he stopped and shot a panicked look to my dad. "Uhhh… Edvard, vut is she? She doesn't get picked up on my vampire radar," the count explained as he looked back at me with confusion written all over his little purple, Styrofoam-looking face. I snorted as Alice explained that I was have vampire.
Finally, my dad looked over at me and smiled. "There's my princess. How are you enjoying Sesame Street?" he asked, lifting me into his arms.
"Not so much dad. Where's mom? I want to go home," I whimpered, tucking my head under his chin. These big monster thingys were making me uncomfortable. Their fake poly synthetic fur was making me twitch and queasy.
"She's somewhere around here. Grandpa Carlisle had to do an examination on Big Bird, it seems he swallowed a little too much Jizzy Juice and now is feeling ill," dad explained.
My nose crinkled up as I looked at him. "What's Jizzy Juice?"
"It's foamy coconut milk mixed with a little jazz, glitter and some spunky funk, and you shake it as you do a dance. You want to try some? It's great with cookies!" Cookie Monster boasted.
"Uh, no thanks. Aunt Rosie always told me never to drink anything with the word jizz in it," I answered as my dad glowered down at me and shook his head.
"What about a cookie? Me like cookies, yes me do. Me like cookies how 'bout you?" Cookie answered, doing a little back and forth jig, hopping from one leg to the other. To me, he came off as a monkey with tourette's, but I'm sure it all made perfect sense to him and everyone else in this land of dancing, jazzy-jazzy ridiculousness!
"No Cookie Monster, vampires can't eat cookies," dad informed, with a bright smile, showing off all thirty-four perfectly shiny teeth.
Cookie Monster gasped. "Me thought everyone liked cookies! Why don't vampires?" he asked, scratching his head.
"Because, day make us sick," Count answered with one of his Draculin chuckles, and pretended to spit in disgust.
"Good! More cookies for me! Cookies are yummy yummy in the tummy!" he sang, patting his tummy while eating a cookie. Damn this fuzzy blue thing was on a crazy sugar high. Too bad he'd need insulin to detain himself once he got older.
Suddenly all Cookie's motions abruptly stopped as his eyes widened. "Wait, then what do vampires eat?" Cookie asked, holding his cookie close to his chest for safe protection.
"You," Dad teased with a hiss.
Cookie Monster took a large step back in fear, and my dad countered that step before Cookie Monster took another. "Um, if you not like cookies, me would not be good dinner. Me stuffed to brim with cookies, my blood is like oreo cream filling. Please don't eat me," Cookie pleaded as both the Count and dad laughed at him.
"No, Cookie. That was a joke. Good vampires eat mountain lions, tigers and bears." Oh my! They were giving too much information away!
Cookie wiped his brow with the back of his hand and let out a loud breath of air. "Ha, ha. You got me," he fake-laughed cautiously. "Well, me must be going now."
"Where are you off to in such a hurry, Cookie?" Alice asked.
"Ummm…Well, me need to go shopping for new pants. Mr. Jokey-jokey vampire over there scared the chocolate chips out of me!"
"Eww, TMI Cookie! TMI!" I cried, covering my ears.
Alice ignored the gross comment about things popping out of this blue creature and focused on the thing she loves best. "Shopping? Well, you can't go shopping without me and Zoe! We are the QUEENS of shopping. We'll go with you and get you all suited up in some nice black skinny jeans!" Alice cried!
"Can fat people fit into skinny jeans?" I countered.
Alice grimaced before responding, "Cookie is not fat, Reneseme! He's just… overly fluffy."
"No, Alice! Let's be real here. Pillows are fluffy. Sheeps are fluffy. Cotton candy is fluffy. Daddy's hair is fluffy. Jake in wolf form after a bath is fluffy. Cookie Monster is just plain fat! And you know they don't make skinny jeans in size Extra-creampuffed!" I countered.
"Mmmmm…creampuffs! Me like creampuffs!" Cookie moaned.
"Yeah, creampuffs would be what got you in the shape you're in, Cookie. We really don't need you squeezing any cream or other bakery items out of any more orifices, got it? Maybe you should try doing some yoga and cardio three, ah better make that five, times a week," I instructed.
"Me don't like yogurt or carrots. Me like COOKIES!" he belted. I snorted before I even realized it. Apparently those same chocolate chips are clogging his ear drums because I said nothing about yogurt or carrots!
"Yeah, that's obvious. You're metabolism just isn't what it was back in the day, huh?"
"Meta-what?" Cookie Monster, Count Von Count and Zoe screeched at the same time. Jesus puppets! For people that spend all day every day spelling and counting things, you sure don't know your vocabulary very well!
"Nevermind," I muttered, shaking my head.
"Anyway, we need to be going if we're going to have enough hours to shop! Zoe, do you mind if I drive the zoemobile this time?" Alice asked, bending down at the waist to look directly at the little orange fur-creature.
"Well sure, Alice! Just remember to drive in crazy loopy-loops and zany ziggity-zags and it will get you anywhere you want to go," Zoe answered.
As Alice, Zoe, and Cookie Monster said their goodbyes before taking off to go shopping, I took this as my cue to get the heck out of this creepy bat-lair. "Daddy, come on, I want to go find mommy," I asked, pouting, just the way that always made him give in.
"Sure thing, sweetie. Hop on and we'll run over to the penthouse," he instructed with a smile. I leapt onto his back and wrapped my arms around his neck, thankful that I had some level of security and normalcy in this crazy, furry hell.
As we approached the familiar Paradise building with the twinkling lights atop, my dad stopped running as another familiar face came into view. There pacing back and forth on the street was Rosalie holding a red fur-ball with a diaper in her arms as she rocked it like a baby.
"Rosalie," my dad greeted.
"Edward," she curtly responded.
"What are you doing, Aunt Rose? Where's Emmett? Why did he bring me here?" I blurted out questions as fast as I could.
"Oh Emm? He's consumed with an intense game of 'which one of these is not like the other' and won't leave until he wins. Apparently Grover is kicking his butt because Emm keeps putting everything only in two categories—'Emmett's Wish List of Awesomeness' and 'Chick Crap,'" she stated in a whisper. "And I'm just watching little baby Elmo here. Isn't he sweeeeeeet? I just love him," she gushed. "But it's almost feeding time."
I looked closely at the little red monster, who I knew wasn't a baby! That was full-grown Elmo, only he was wearing a diaper and a bonnet and had his face planted straight into Rose's cleavage. "Um, Rose, are you sure that's baby Elmo?" I questioned, and dad stifled a small laugh, which turned into a cough.
"Of course," she replied simply. I was about to put some reason into her head when the little puppet removed his head from suckling Rose's boob and glared at me before making a cutting gesture across his throat. What the hell! This pervy little puppet is threatening me! I glanced over to my dad and Rose, but neither of them seemed to even notice what had just happened.
Dad, get this weirdo puppet away from me! After today, nothing seems impossible, and this puppet scares the crap out of me just like that Chucky doll on that movie Uncle Jasper had me watch with him, I thought. I knew my dad would be tuned into my thoughts, and I was right when he acknowledged me with a nod and a small smirk.
"Well, we better go find Bella so that we can go home," my dad stated as he started up the front steps of the tall building.
"See you later Rose. See you, Perv Monster," I called out behind us with a laugh.
As me and my dad walked through the main corridor of the intricately architected building, he abruptly stopped, and I slammed into the back of him.
"Ow! What in the world…" I cried out, but was shushed by my dad's hand clasped over my mouth.
"Don't move. We're being watched," he whispered at a level so low it required an acute vampire sense of hearing to catch. Surely these puppets didn't have the same extra special senses as we did…
I glanced around immediately and felt an eerie tingling shoot down my spine. Why would my dad freak out if it wasn't someone bad watching us? Oh no…maybe it's that puppet armed with a shiny hunting knife, ready to seek revenge for ruining his grab-boob session with Aunt Rose.
"It's not the puppet," he whispered as he grabbed me and ran down the hall at vampire speed toward the awaiting elevator.
"Daddy, I'm scared, who was watching us?" I asked, clutching to him tightly. I knew if he was there, I was safe.
"Little eyes. Mmmmm…they smell appealing don't they, Renesmee?" he asked, his voice was low and stressed as if he had been holding his breath.
"What do you mean…little eyes?" I asked, taking a noticeable gulp through my fear.
"Can't you smell the human children? Can't you hear their blood calling to you?"
"No. No, I don't. Besides our family, I've only see these little furry puppets that sing and dance and grope everyone within a fifteen-foot radius," I replied.
"But daddy, I'm scared," I whispered, burying my face into his neck. "I want mommy, she'll make everything okay."
"We will see her in a moment darling," he reassured. I shuddered as I felt his hand brush my hair to the side.
I heard a ding, indicating we had reached our location. Hesitantly, I pulled away and looked around me to see where I was. The twenty-foot ceilings over-compensated for the small room, and the sight I saw astounded me.
I recognized Big Bird and Snuffleupagus immediately…only this Big Bird and Snuffy looked like they'd been run through hell and back. They were sitting on a tattered and stained sofa with cigarettes and bottles of brown liquid in their clutches. I'm sure that's not apple juice they're drinking.
I paused in the entryway, wondering if this was still Sesame Street or if we'd transferred into some criminal investigation show where we're busting up the drug house.
"Damn kids, not giving us a moment's peace! I'll give them some p words. Under paid, over processed, pissed, poorly staffed, lacking principle, pathetic fucking job! Bigs, what'd we get ourselves into? When we were kids, this shit was fuckawesome, but now, it's like some kind of fucking sitcom that will never end!" Snuffy grumbled taking a swig of his brown foul-smelling liquid.
"Oh, stop your grumblin'! At least the letter is 'P' not something ridiculous like 'Z'. When we did that letter, I thought I might have a bust a brain vessel trying to come up with a use of the shit. I mean, who the hell ever uses the letter 'Z' anyway? Why the hell was it even inducted into the alpha…."
We were spotted. Big Bird's large, black, beady eyes peered at me and my father. "Edward, I heard you were back in town! How's it hanging man? I saw that broad you've been bonging! Right on brother! Bet that shit is rockin!" Big Bird congratulated.
"Awe, well, you know. Beds breaking, feathers flying, what can I say?" my dad laughed. What in the forsaken hell is wrong with my dad? Why isn't he plucking this birdtwit's feathers out one by one and then roasting him for talking about mom like that?
"Say no more, my man. Say no more. I know all about making some feathers fly," Big Bird interrupted with an eerily raspy chuckle.
I stared at my dad as he continued on with this conversation and wondered if this really was my dad. I mean, this place is all kinds of ridiculous—no doubt it'd be possible for them to make a clone of my dad. Hell, as much as girls lust after my dad, I wouldn't be surprised if they did make cardboard cutouts of him for women of all ages to grope and kiss at their own leisure…Awe hell, I think I'm gonna be sick.
"So who's the girl you got here?" Snuffy asked my dad, gesturing in my direction.
"Oh, this is Nessie. My daughter."
"Daughter?! Daaaamn son, you got your broad knocked up?" Snuffy questioned in surprise. My dad nodded. "My baby mama's all kinds of drama. She's always complaining and telling me I need to spend my money on clothes for the kids and not at the bars. Yeah, riiiiiiiight!" he snorted.
"Daddy, I wanna go home! I wanna find mommy!" I ordered, not liking how this big bird animal was looking at me. His gaze reminded me of some predatory fowl that might swoop in, clasp me in his clutches and fly me off to the moon to eat himself or feed to his flock. Why did nobody want me to leave this headache-inducing funny farm?! I just want to go home!
"Have either of you seen Bella lately?" my father asked.
Bigs and Snuffy looked at each other, contemplating their answer. "Dude, chick was hot, we ain't seen tail like that around here since Marilyn Monroe was on the show, and trust me, that was ages ago!" Snuffy answered in his overly nasal voice. No wonder his voice was always so annoying, the elephant thing smoked three cigarettes at a time, causing the room to stuff up worse than a freight train, or a loaded up fireplace.
Instinctively, I coughed and glared. Don't they know second hand smoke kills? I mean, come on people…or monsters…or things…whatever you are!
"So you saw her leave with Alice, Zoe and Cookie?" my father asked, obviously picking the answer out of one of their heads.
"Yeah, about five minutes before you guys showed up. She was brushing Snuff here's hair while Dr. Carlisle got a little too frisky with his poking and prodding with those needles trying to get this damn bird-flu or whatever the hell I got to go away," Big answered with a scowl. Bird-flu? Well isn't that just completely appropriate!
My dad laughed, probably at something one of those two goobers were thinking.
"They went to the Fat and Chunky store on the corner of Sesame and Maple," Snuff chuckled.
"Brass monkey, that funky monkey. Brass monkey junky, that funky monkey," Big Bird sang with a much-too-long air guitar solo.
"What was that about?" I asked once the bird had stopped hopping around and belting out sickening lyrics. Definitely wouldn't call him a "songbird"!
"He loves the Beastie Boys. Don't mind him," dad whispered before leading me back toward the elevator we came up in.
"Well, thanks boys, but Nessie has to be on her way now," my dad called over to Big Bird and Snuffy. As I stepped in the elevator, I turned around and my dad didn't follow. "Aren't you coming to find mom with me?" I whined.
"No, I'll see you at home," he called back as my vision began to blur, most likely from the tears that were beginning to well in my eyes. I registered the ding of the elevator and the sliding of the elevator doors closing as I shoved my body up against the wall with force and slowly slid down it. Why does everyone just want to leave me here?! Why can't I find mom!? Why did Zoe have to rub her synthetic face on my arm, because it still smells awful!
I stepped from the elevator and made my way back onto the deserted street in search of the Fat and Chunky clothing store and a way back to the normal reality of sparkly vampires, shape shifters and half-breeds. As I walked, I heard a faint voice calling my name. I sped up my pace, not wanting to have to endure any more cheerful torture in this one day.
But then I recognized the voice, and my heart nearly leapt out of my chest—it was my mom. I ran toward the voice, but it seemed to be in no particular place, but everywhere, all at the same time.
"Mom!" I called out. "Mom, please mom. Take me home!"
"Nessie…. Nessie…." I could hear my mother calling, but no matter how fast I ran I couldn't find her. I ran to the store and building fronts of each building, each door leading me to another round of fuzzy creatures with horrid fangs ready to dive their teeth into me.
"Nessie, baby, its okay," she offered in reassurance, but the tears pricked at my eyes as I searched the street more furiously for her.
"Mommy!" I screamed. I could feel something shaking me, but I tried to pull away, everything was growing more real with each passing moment, and the fear was pricking at my skin.
"Mommy, save me! Where are you?!" I begged, panicked and breaking out in a cold sweat. All of my illness symptoms were rapidly taking hold of me again. My nose grew stuffy, my voice gravely. It was as if I were left in that stinky smelly room with Big Bird and Snuffy too long. I could feel the smoke take effect.
"Baby, I'm right here, everything is okay," she promised her voice soft as a whisper. I was pulled into two strong arms and the reassurance was wiped clean. I fought with all my might to free myself, and it wasn't until I opened my eyes that I saw the reality before me.
"I don't ever want to see Sesame Street again!" I cried, hiding myself from the world around me. I was safe, and I was in my mother's loving arms, right where I belonged.