The Abridged Series of Haruhi Suzumiya

Summary:

Haruhi from the surface world commands you to read this fic! Included: Major Parodoxes, NYC, bagpipes, poison, and chicken. see full summary inside R&R, no flames accepted!

Set situation: What if the SOS Brigade continued on the way they were, but with a twist to the time frame: Everyone was normal, and those supernatural involving aliens, timetravelers and espers were just bizzarre dreams of wishful thinking that Kyon and the Brigade had and shared coincidentially. Enjoy!

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Mikuru was preparing tea in the club room. Making sure no one was looking, she put a dead mushed up eel in Haruhi's cup and some tea. She giggled to herself.

Looking towards Yuki, Mikuru was wondering what random thing out of the bag of doom to put into her drink. Mwahahaha... I mean... Tee hee! A pinch, no. An OVERDOSE of Iron that tastes like candied liver! She was humming to herself while she put the disgusting liquid into Yuki's cup when she heard Kyon open the door.

"Ah!" She threw the bag of doom that contained the disturbingly random ingredients out the window, ignoring Taniguchi's girlish scream of horror. "You're here!" She smiled.

Kyon waved to his moe maid, and looked towards Yuki who was reading yet another book. "How's the book?"
"Disturbing," she muttered in a monotone as if forced to say so against her will.

"Huh?"

"This book has a broad focus on such a trifling thing that this world seems to be intrigued in; me included as well." Yuki held the book up to her face revealing the title to Kyon. The Infinite Number of Ways to Tip a Cow.

Kyon heard some random footsteps from the hallway, and backed towards a corner, bracing himself for Haruhi's loud entrance into the club room. Sadly, he wasnever fully mentally prepared. The ceiling started to crack, and all of a sudden...

KA BOOM!

"GWAhck!"

Haruhi fell out of the ceiling, and her shoe hit Kyon in the face. "I have returned to the surface world!"

Silence.

"THIS IS THE PART WHERE ALL OF YOU GO 'AY YAY YAY!' " She looked at her minions in dismay. "And the one with the shoe in his face goes AY YAY YAY the loudest ...cuz you have the shoe in your face! C'mon! Doesn't that make your voice echo? Doesn't the stench want you to cry in pain?"

Kyon randomly started to cry, Mikuru went Ay Yay Yay...

"... and in order to formally tip a cow, first, you and the cow must be in a tuxedo and..." Haruhi tapped her foot lookingat Yuki who found Cowtipping Method number 287 interesting and started to randomly read out loud. Just then, Itsuki walked in.

"Did I miss something?" Itsuki walked in. Yuki nodded, and Kyon nodded, pointing at Itsuki's outfit with horror.

"KOIZUMI WHY ARE YOU IN A SCOTTMAN KILT?" Itsuki ignored Kyon and spun around, did a bunny jump, and landed in a pose in which he knelt on one knee with his hands spread out as if he wanted to hug the sky. " I found it fitting to join Mikuru as a mascot for one day." Mikuru blushed away in horror and went "BOO HOO HOO!" pointing at the horror known as Koizumi Itsuki when Haruhi bit Mikuru's ear. "How dare you insult the Vice President of this Brigade, especially when he's in a kilt?" She walked up to Itsuki and nodded. "It looks manly on you."

"Ehehe..." Itsuki rubbed the slope of his nose with his index finger. "You see, I--"

"...made sure the cow falls onto the provided blanket..." Everyone turned towards the bookworm as she continued, aware of everyone's stares. "... and then gaze...into...the... stars..." Yuki looked up, slightly glaring. "What?"

"That's it. We're falling off the Alps. Backwards. WITH NO EQUIPMENT! BE THERE!" Haruhi winked at Yuki, pointing at her cow-tipping book that gave her the idea. She then took out a pogo stick and bounced up into the hole from where she came from. "Leaving the surface world! Weee!"

"I didn't get a chance to see Haruhi choke and do the Chacarron Macarron," Mikuru said, sighing. She threw Haruhi's cup of prepared tea that was left untouched out the window, ignoring Taniguchi's old woman scream.

"Haruhi's reasoning is flawed. There are no cows on the Alps, however..." Yuki left without saying anything. Freefalling off the Alps... Ay Yay...Yay...

Kyon was the only one in the clubroom left, or so he thought, until Itsuki waved at him. After the kilt clad lad pulled out random bagpipes, Kyon tried to disarm Itsuki.

"NO! Don't play the--!" Just then, random bagpipe playing starts...

Kyon sat there in melancholy as his deranged friend continued to play the melody of the Titanic. Kyon's melancholy worsened as he heard Taniguchi's horrid loud singing from outside, in pain from the pinch of a random crab on his shoulder.

"Once... Mooooooore! You... Ooopen Da Door!..." Taniguchi sang with pride and pain as if there was no tommorrow.

Itsuki was savoring the moment as he continued to play the bagpipes. Truth, is stranger... and stronger... than fiction. Teehee hee!... I mean... hehe.. hehe...

...I mean... nevermind.

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End of Chapter 1.