Hello all! Welcome to the world of Doctor Hazama, troll/medical practitioner extraordinaire!
This fanfiction series is comprised up the scripts that make up the YouTube show, Help Me! Doctor Hazama!, which I just started to put up! It's a show about Hazama's wish to change his troll-ish ways and become a man of charity and honor! But we all know better than that, right? Hazama's still the troll we all know and love, but now he's a certified P.H.D. and M.D.! He can also birth babies!
His main goal is to piss off as many people as he can in the Continuum Shift. He rents Litchi's medical clinic during the evening and "serves" the people of Kagutsuchi. In the first script (which I don't have unfortunately .), or episode, Hazama helped out Ragna the Bloodedge. Ragna didn't have any fangirls, despite the release of Continuum Shift 2, and felt very lonely and angry. Luckily for him, Hazama made a call to Jin Kisaragi, so the NOL officer could...cheer...the saddened Ragna up. I think we know how that ended ^_^
In this second episode, Hazama is exhausted from the all the hard work that he does! He needs some assistants to help him out! Just when he speaks his wish, Taokaka of the Kaka Clan and Lieutenant Noel Vermillion appear! How lucky is that?
So...what's gonna happen now? We'll see soon enough!
This is the script to that episode! You can watch the full thing, in classic BlazBlue Omake goodness, with full voice acting and animation, on YouTube! Just look up Daggertail100 (that's me ^_^) and you'll find two full episodes, plus two shorts! I really hope you enjoy these scripts and episodes!
Please Like and Subscribe if you want!
And thank you!
Help Me! Doctor Hazama!
Episode 2: Assistants
Hazama: [Walks on set and frowns] I really have to get my own set! That panda lady's pissing me off! Now I have to buy her a new bed for the infirmary because Major Kisraragi "contaminated" it! Where am I supposed to get that kind of money? I'm a doctor, not Mr. Moneybags! Hmm…perhaps I should raise my services from a nickel to a dime? Yeah! That's it! 'Cause dimes are cool!
Still though…with all these patients that I'm getting, I'm getting pretty whipped! I really an assistant or something to help me out! Yeah! A really cute one too! Someone with a pure heart and sweet voice that melts a man's heart! Now that's what I need! But I have to go through all that garbage to get an assistant! I have to do interviews, put up fliers, everything! There's only so much that a troll-I mean medical practitioner can do! It's not like a cute assistant is just going to walk right in!
Tao: [Walks in] Hellooooooo! Boobie Lady? It's Tao! Tao came for some food!
Hazama: That wasn't what I was expecting…but I guess it could work…
Noel: [Walks right in] Hmm? Ms. Litchi has a customer today? I thought this was her day off!
Tao: Oh! It's the Green Guy! Hey, Lacking Lady! Go over and say "hi!"
Noel: Stop calling me THAT!
Hazama: Hahahaha! My, my, my! What have we here? Lieutenant Noel Vermillion! Looks like it's my lucky day! And…the catgirl...
Noel: Ah! Ca-Captain Hazama!
Tao: How are ya, Green Guy? Got any food lying around?
Hazama: What are two pretty young things like you girls doing in a place like this?
Noel: Um…er…well, I uh…I was just running an errand for Major Kisaragi when I came here.
Tao: Tao was helping her because Tao ran into the Lacking Lady! Tao wanted food so we stopped by to see if Boobie Lady had some!
Noel: [Still angry about the Lacking Lady comment] Is Ms. Litchi in by any chance?
Hazama: The woman with the panda? No, I'm afraid not! I take over the shop for her during this time frame!
Noel: Time frame? What do you mean, Captain?
Hazama: That's just it! I'm not a captain anymore! I am Doctor Hazama, a certified P.H.D. and M.D.! I help people with just about any problem that there is!
Noel: You…you're a doctor?
Hazama: That's right! Why, just the other day I cured Major Kisaragi from a very serious illness!
Noel: What illness is that?
Hazama: Lack of Brother Syndrome! Or L.O.B.S. for short!
Tao: LOBS? Is that yummy? It sounds deeeeelicious!
Noel: Lack of Brother Syndrome? I've never heard of that!
Hazama: It's a very rare illness, but it's treatable! It occurs mostly around certain siblings. Major Kisaragi was suffering from said illness until I told him to go after his dear old brother and 'bond' with him! Needless to say, the treatment worked wonders for him!
Tao: [Happy] So you helped Creepy Guy bond with Good Guy? That's so nice of you, Scary Person! Tao guesses that you're not that scary anymore! What should Tao call you now? Oh! Tao will call you Doctor Guy!
Hazama: Yeah…sure…
Noel: What else do you do Cap-I mean, Doctor Hazama?
Hazama: I do marriage counseling, psychoanalysis, and I can birth babies!
Noel: [Excited] You give birth to babies? That's so cool! How do you do that?
Hazama: …We're talking about the medical procedure now, right? Because I can't actually birth babies…that's…anatomically impossible for me…
Noel: [Disappointed] Oh…so that's what you meant…
Hazama: Er…anyway, I do lots and lots of medical stuff. So yeah, that's pretty much it!
Noel: Can-Can you take care of animals too? Could you also be a veterinarian?
Hazama: Um…well, yeah! I can! I am a doctor after all!
Noel: [Googily eyed and excited] S-So you take care of little ki-kitties, and puppies, and ducklings, and pa-pa-pa-pandas…?
Hazama: Uh…yeah…let's go with that…
Noel: That's so cool! I had no idea you did all those nice things for people and animals!
Hazama: All in a day's work…I suppose…
Noel: [Envious] I wish I had a cool job like that…my job has been getting worse lately.
Hazama: [Evilly] I see…hmm…this seems like a good opportunity…heehahaha…
Noel: Did you say something?
Hazama: Nope! Hey, Lieutenant Vermillion! How about you be my patient? I think I might be able to help you!
Noel: You-You want to…help me? But I don't have any money for the co-pay. What about you, Tao? Do you have any money?
Tao: Huh? Money? Is that just like LOBS? Is that yummy too?
Noel: [Sighs] I guess that's it then…
Hazama: Don't worry about the bill! It's on the house! Now, have a seat and tell me that's on that pretty little head!
Noel: Um…sure. I think I can trust you, since you're a certified doctor!
Hazama: Yeah…isn't it great to trust people? Hahaha.
Tao: What can Tao do? What can Tao do? Can Tao be a doctor too, Doctor Guy?
Hazama: Why don't you go in the back? I think the panda woman has some food back there!
Tao: Reeeeeeally? Oh boy! Tao's gonna fill her belly up right now! [Runs off]
[Hazama and Noel sit down at a table]
Hazama: What seems to be the problem, Lieutenant?
Noel: You can call me Noel if you want to, I won't mind. Well…things haven't been going great at all for me…
Hazama: Is that so?
Noel: Yes. All of my friends make fun of me for it. Tao does it all the time. She and my other friends always points out my flaws…
Hazama: What flaw is that?
Noel: Even Makoto points it out too! She's a prime example of what I want! Hers…they're so…compared to mine… [Teary eyed] and even Tao…she's…so much bigger and…
Hazama: Er…I'm afraid I'm not following…
Noel: This is…really embarrassing…but Doctor? Do you think you could help me? I'm very…erm…lacking.
Hazama: …..What now?
Noel: I'm always teased because of this! Is there something wrong with me?
Hazama: [Sweat drop] Hmm…so…this is your grave problem?
Noel: Yeah…could you help me?
Hazama: Well…I do happen to know a few techniques that can fix that, thanks to my special enhancement seminars. I have a pamphlet you may be interested in! [Hands the pamphlet] It tells you all you need to do to solve your problem!
Noel: [Blushes as she reads it] Wha-wha-wha-wha-what? I have to do…that? Are you serious?
Hazama: That is one way…and it's proven to be very effective! [Excited] I can actually do that for you in the back if you want!
Noel: Uh…I think I'll pass for now…
Hazama: Awww….dammit…!
Noel: There's also something else that's bothering me, Doctor. I…I don't think I like my job very much…at least…not anymore.
Hazama: How come?
Noel: [Sadly] My boss…he's very cruel and abusive to me.
Hazama: Really?
Noel: Mmhmm. Nothing I do ever seems to be right for him! I replay everything I say or do when I'm around him, but I can't understand why he hates me so much! I never did anything wrong to him! I think…
Hazama: Wow, what an ass!
Noel: He's always mean to me! How can someone be that cold?
Hazama: Hmm. Your boss…who is he?
Noel: Ma-Major Kisaragi…
Hazama: Oh, that guy! Jeez! I cure him and he celebrates by yelling at you! [Scheming] That's not very nice!
Noel: …I think I may quit…
Hazama: I can't see anybody quitting the NOL like that, but if you must then you must I guess!
Noel: But…I won't have a job if I quit! What'll I do for money?
Hazama: Hmm…that is a good point. Hey! Why don't you come and work for me?
Noel: [Shocked] Huh? Work for you?
Hazama: Yep! Wouldn't you like to help people? Wouldn't you like to make a difference in their lives? I can offer you a good salary along with a healthy and safe working environment!
Noel: How much is the salary?
Hazama: A quarter.
Noel: Wow! That's more than I make in a year! But…I'm still not quite sure…
Hazama: [Sings] You can help save the pandas!
Noel: [Confident] I'll do it! I'll become the greatest veterinarian the world has ever seen! I'll take care of all the kitties, the puppies! And the pandas! I'll do it for the pandas!
Hazama: Very good! Heehahaha!
Tao: [Rushes back in] Can Tao help too? Tao wants to help!
Hazama: Is that so…? [Aside] Wow, two birds with one stone! This IS my lucky day! Hehehehe!
Noel: [Determined] When can we start, Doctor Hazama?
Hazama: Right now actually! We just have to get you two into uniform!
Noel: Uniform? What's wrong with the clothes we're wearing now?
Hazama: You'll want to look great for the pandas, don't you? I think I have just the outfit that will suit you perfectly!
[Fade out and then back in with Noel in a maid's outfit]
Noel: Um…this doesn't seem right…
Tao: Wow! Lacking Lady, you're so cute! Tao approves!
Noel: You really think so, Tao?
Tao: Uh-huh! It compliments Lacking Lady's flat chest!
Noel: [Whimper]
Tao: Don't worry, Hat Person! Tao knows exactly what to do! Tao will just give you one of those massages!
Noel: What? How did you…? How did you know about that?
Tao: Tao read it in Green Guy's paper thingy!
Hazama: You can read that? Gotta say, I'm impressed! I didn't think a…thing of your caliber would be able to read anything at all.
Tao: Tao is very smart! Tao's very cultured!
Hazama: Oh yeah? Then what's the proper technique for the massage?
Tao: That's easy! [Stalks Noel] C'mere, Lacking Lady! Tao's gonna put a smile on that face!
Noel: Eh? Tao! Stop that!
Tao: Lemme at them! Lemme at them! Tao's gonna make them as big as Boobie Lady's meat buns! They'll be bigger than your head!
Noel: This…this doesn't seem right at all!
Hazama: Ohohoho yes it does!
Jin: What the hell is going on in there? [Enters the clinic] Noel…Vermillion…
Noel: [Worried] Ah! Major Kisaragi!
Tao: Huh? Why's Creepy Guy here? Does he want to help grow some meat buns too?
Jin: What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to return to headquarters after you delivered that love let-I mean birthday card to Brother! And why on earth are you wearing that ridiculous outfit?
Noel: It's my new uniform…
Jin: Uniform? What are you saying?
Noel: Major Kisaragi…I-I…I…I'm not going to be your assistant anymore!
Jin: …What?
Tao: Tao and Hat Person are going to be vetera…vetera…um…veta...! We're gonna be doctors with Green Guy!
Jin: Shut up, you filth!
Lieutenant Vermillion, just what exactly are you implying?
Noel: [Quiet at first due to nervousness, but soon raises her voice] I'm sick of the way you treat me! I've had enough of being called stupid! I've had it with your constant abuse and all the stupid orders you give me! Do you know how embarrassing it was to carry a love letter all across Kagutsuchi to Ragna the Bloodedge? It was demeaning! The stuff you said in it was really creepy! How could you play a game of Horseshoes with that thing you enclosed!
Tao: Tao would love to see that! Tao wants to play Horeshoes too!
Jin: Uh…well…
Noel: That's not all! I hate doing your laundry, writing your fan letters, and cleaning your office! Do you know how awkward it is to scrub the floors and your desk next to that computer! What do you watch on that thing anyway? The screensaver is so…so…ugh!
Hazama: Now I know why the Major's office gets so dirty! Hahaha!
Noel: I'm sick of being called stupid! Especially by a moron LIKE YOU! [Pants from yelling]
Jin: …
Hazama: Girl's got a fire in her, eh, Major?
Jin: I'm sorry, Doctor Hazama. I should keep a close watch over my underlings.
Noel: I am not an underling!
Jin: Ha! That's all you are, you idiot! Now stop this foolishness and get back to headquarters this instant! I want the bathroom in my office scrubbed nice and clean! I want it to shine as much as Brother's dazzling face!
Hazama: Oh I bet it needs to be cleaned after you were done with it! Hehehehe!
Noel: No! I'm going to be a vet with Doctor Hazama! We're going to save the pandas!
Tao: Right! Tao's gonna save all the woodly animals! Not squigglies, 'cause I hate squigglies!
Jin: …What?
Hazama: Hahaha! Nicely said, Lieutenant Vermillion and…cat thing!
Jin: Doctor…don't tell me you're the one who put these silly thoughts into their heads…
Hazama: Guilty as charged! I'm a nice guy, Major! I can't bear to watch such a good person like Noel be abused any longer! I'm doing my civic duty!
Jin: I see…so you're the one behind this desertion. So be it. I respect you as the man who brought me closer…very closer to Brother, but I suppose I'll have to show you what happens to those that think they can get away from humiliating me! I wanted to be your ally, Doctor, but that time has passed! You will pay for this transgression! Yukianesa!
[A large block of ice covers Hazama]
Noel: Ah! Doctor Hazama!
Tao: Brrrr! Tao's so cold! Tao will be a popsicle if Ice Man keeps this up! Oooooh, popsicles! Tao's hungry now!
Noel: Tao! Stop it!
Jin: Hahahaha! FREEZE! Feel the wrath of my power, Doctor! This is what happens when you cross me!
Hazama: Hehehehehe…hahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha!
Jin: …What?
Hazama: Is that all you have to say? Really? Seriously? You just made a big mistake, Major! You forget the very person who you're attacking! You see, little Ms. Noel Vermillion is under my employment now! She no longer works for you! U mad, bro? Hahahahaha!
Jin: …!
Hazama: Now, let me show you what true power is, boy!
[Powers up]
Restriction 666 released! Dimensional interference force field deployed! Lemme guess: this is the time when you're gonna say "What?" again, right?
Jin: …Wha-argh!
Hazama: Hahahahahaha! Code S.O.L.! 'Azure Grimoire' activate!
Tao: Wow! That's just like Good Guy's! How'd you do that Doctor Guy? Tao wants to do that too!
Hazama: You hero archetypes are all the same! You talk a load of shit and say stuff like "What power!" "How is this possible?" "He can't do that!" and my personal favorite, "You're already dead!"
Hazama and Jin: …What?
Jin: …!
Hazama: Hehahahahahahaha! See! This is why you can't beat me, Kisaragi! Go crawl to your brother! Now, in the name of Susano'o! I command you…Nox Nyctores… Ouroboro-
Tao: [Runs up to Jin and knocks him flat out]
Jin: Yaargh! [Flies off stage]
Hazama: Wha? [Powers down]
Tao: Tao wins! KNOCKOUT! What does Tao get now? Does Tao Level Up? Did Tao beat the game?
Noel: Tao! That was incredible! How'd you do that with a single punch?
Tao: Tao's the best vigilante that ever lived! Tao's the strongest of them all!
Hazama: Awww…I wanted to do an Astral Finish…do you how hard it is to input that command? I have to jiggle the thing around just to do it! It's especially difficult on the 3DS' directional pad! I was just about to do it too!
Tao: Use the circle pad thingamajagger! Tao uses that whenever she fights!
Noel: But…you can't use the circle pad on the 3DS version!
Tao: That's why Tao is the best! Tao beat the system!
Hazama: …Yeah…well…I still wanted to do it…
Tao: Cheer up, Doctor Guy! [Slaps his back] Now! [Looks to Noel] Let Tao get back to cooking those meat buns!
Noel: Stop it, Tao! Get off me!
Tao: C'mon, Lacking Lady! Tao's gonna make you the Abundant Lady!
Noel: [Cries out in fear and runs away]
Tao: Get back here! Tao needs to experi…expera…oh forget it! [Chases after her]
Hazama: Well…that was weird. At least Major Jin Kisaragi won't be around for a while! I think good ol' Ragna is gonna be happy about that! I also got some new assistants out of the deal too! They seem to be happy under my employment! Well, that just about wraps this up I guess!
Voice: [From outside the clinic] Excuse me, Ms. Litchi? It's Tager from Sector Seven! I require your assistance!
Hazama: [Evilly] Then again…maybe not…!
To Be Continued