Author's note: This story is based on the Undertale AU, SecuriTale created by the very talented tekitourabbit her amazing work can be found here: tekitourabbit* deviantart* com / (replace the asterisks with periods and remove the spaces.)
I thank her from the bottom of my heart for letting me play with the toys in her sandbox.
Undertale belongs of course to the amazingly talented Toby Fox
Two things about this AU: First, Papyrus and Sans are age swapped (Papyrus is the elder.)
Second, Sans has more than one HP, more on that later; for now enjoy.
Chapter Song: Baby Love Child by Pizzicato Five
Chapter 1
Somewhere in the multiverse someone wondered:
Can college really prepare you for a job as an intelligence analyst?
Soft snoring was interrupted, by a driving rock song jangling harshly from a mobile. Sans forgot where he was for a minute as his chair rolled out from under him dropping him roughly, ass first onto the floor. The back of his skull collided with the seat of his chair jarring him back to reality, he looked up at his feet still firmly planted on the desk legs still crossed.
"...stupid feet... i guess i don't have a, leg to stand on," he chuckled as he struggled to extricate himself from the awkward position. Sans' mobile repeated the driving guitar refrain, loudly.
"...i'm coming, i'm coming...shit," only one monster still had that ringtone, Sans swiped the slippery screen to answer with his thumb.
"...hello, agent bones office. we're sorry agent bones appears to be away from his desk, you have reached agent bones' voice mail. pay close attention as he has updated the options for your convenience due to new and unusual circumstances.
please select from the following options:
- to whine about agent bones not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press
one.
- to postulate whether someone has to die before agent bones will return your call, press two.
- to report agent bones' bad manners when in reality he is, in fact doing his job, press three.
- if you would like agent bones to raise your children, press four.
- if you would like agent bones to admit his chemical dependency on ketchup, press five.
- if you would like agent bones to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate,
press six.
- to provide a list of agents you personally know can kick agent bones' ass, press seven.
- to sue agent bones, tell him you'll have his badge, that you pay his salary, or proclaim his career is
over, press eight.
- to hear this menu again, please wrap aluminum foil around your head and microwave on high for five
minutes."
There was momentary silence on the other end of the line, followed by a soft snort and a gentle chuckle, then the sound of a key press that Sans could only assume was the number four.
"...we're sorry, agent bones has lost your child and is currently in hiding in burkina faso. please try again later," Sans let out a soft breath after his spiel and waited. He didn't wait long as falsetto laughter filled the earpiece after a momentary pause.
"Sans," scolded a soft motherly voice filled with mirth, "how long did it take for you to come up with that? You are so lucky I called you and not my husband."
"...er, um… not long, and I knew it was you, toriel… um... your highness, so um… what can I do for ya?"
"Look, I have a special assignment for Papyrus and yourself," she sighed gently. "As her mother, this task should fall on me, but the King and I are meeting with representatives from the UN to discuss monster rights."
Sans tugged at his sloppily tied tie.
"...uh, isn't meeting with the UN fris… um, the ambassador's job?"
He didn't like it, these "special assignments" gave him an itch between his scapulae. It felt like they were the Queen's way of keeping him close to Frisk. Especially since Toriel warned him of a young monster climbing the ranks who had shown, clear, interest in Frisk. Obviously, the Queen wanted him to find out who it was, or maybe Toriel knew. Sans was sure of one thing that if he ever met the guy… he'd show that dude a bad time.
"Normally yes," Toriel cleared her throat softly. "However, there are several countries that are interested in furthering relations with our small enclave. In light of that the UN specifically asked for the King and myself. Actually, I would not normally ask Papyrus or you to take on this… sensitive task, but after what Director Undyne did the last time I sent her. Well, they have banned her from the hospital. So you see this is where the two..."
"...hospital?!" Sans has ceased listening and just threw himself in to full security mode.
"...is frisk… the ambassador... her young highness ill or injured? all kiddin' aside, i s-swear i was just with her a half-hour ago. i left her with papyrus… papyrus, s-shi… they were fine when i left," Sans attempted to tuck in his shirt, straighten his tie, and grab his jacket all while adjusting his lavender glasses and running out the door. Only to slam his right elbow into the door frame, whacking his so called "funny bone," and skidding into the wall across from his office. Queen Toriel was shouting something at him, but it didn't register. Blue flames of magic licked at his left eye and a ball of blue light grew in his left hand. His mind automatically went to recent bomb and death threats from so called peaceful groups; though the title radical extremists would better fit their usual calling cards. Sans hit the alarm as he ran for the stairs, which he usually avoided, heading for the third floor.
Like most embassies, the diplomatic, secretarial and security offices were on the main and second floors, though the offices for the ambassador were on the third floor; Something that caused Sans no end of frustration. Sans had practically begged his brother to draft a proposal to convince Director Undyne to move Ambassador Dreemurr's daily office location. A location which would most likely be achieved, by Sans throwing darts at a blueprint of the building every evening. The Director had disliked the idea, flat out rejecting it, saying not knowing where the Lady Ambassador was going to be from day to day could be troublesome. The King and Queen agreed with Undyne saying that they needed to be more like the humans; yet the threats became more obvious day by day. When on a diplomatic mission to Europe, there had been several embassy bombings by human radicals; twice, just moments after Ambassador Dreemurr had departed. Still he could not convince Undyne and their Highnesses, that having the ambassador's private daily offices rotate would be much safer. He just hoped that they were right and he was wrong.
Sans was suddenly shaken from his panic by Papyrus screaming in his earpiece. He slid to a stop in front of the door to the top most level, adjusted his earpiece nearer his external acoustic meatus, and took a deep panting breath.
"...pap, papyrus? y-you're ok? thank god… thank god... what? say again pap?"
"SANS, WHAT IS GOING ON," Papyrus queried even more loudly than normal.
"HER ROYAL HIGHNESS JUST RANG ME, TO WARN ME. MUCH TOO LATE IT SEEMS, OF YOUR IMPENDING PANIC ATTACK. SHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT YOU OVERREACTING TO A SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? BY GOD, CAN SOMEONE SHUT OFF THESE ALARMS!"
"hOI, analyst tem here Sir. is dat u Sir," one of the other agents answered Papyrus.
"OF COURSE IT IS I, THE GREAT AGENT PAPYRUS. WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE?"
"tem gotta have dat overrid cOdes, p! Sir, tem always need overrid cOdes."
"WHAT A BOTHER. C-0-0-L-S-K-3-L-3-T-0-N-9-5." The alarms ended and the stairwell was suddenly silent.
"thanks cOdes! okies, bOI!"
"...yeah… the coolest," Sans chuckled darkly, slamming his back hard against the wall and sliding down it slowly, forcing back the panic. For the second time today his ass hit the floor and he ran his throbbing right hand over the top of his skull, while pulling a crumpled pack of clove cigarettes and a silver lighter from from his blazer pocket with the other. Sans opened his mouth to suck on elongated canines with his luminescent aqua, ectoplasmic tongue and proceeded to shake a cancer stick out into his palm. He sucked his canines, loudly, one of many nervous ticks he was only mildly aware of. He looked at the cigarette in his shaking hand, this particular bad habit had come from the most recent RESET however, flipped back the top of the lighter and with one smooth motion created fire. Placing the bone between his teeth he drew in a breath while holding the lighter to it. Sans had never figured out the mechanics of his ability to smoke, sans lungs, but he was drawn to the cloves like a moth to a flame the first time they had visited Paris. It was no doubt the scent of them, like a burning flower. He had asked a polite old codger about his choice of une clope, and the old bones had directed Sans to a very friendly tobacconist, who happened to have a friend near Mount Ebott still willing to risk importing kretek, and... sell to monsters.
Papyrus was continuing to scream through the earpiece, largely nagging Sans for knowing full well that it was illegal to smoke in the building; Sans was oddly comforted by the altitonant. His phone chimed a gentle music box refrain and he lifted slightly to remove it from his pocket. Touching the button on the side lit the screen, 1 NEW MESSAGE it announced. Quickly swiping a needlessly complicated pattern to unlock, since biometrics couldn't work without fingerprints, he then tapped the message indicator.
F *My dear are you alright? Mother said you panicked.
S *heh… yeah kind of. she said hospital and i went off the rails.
...ya know there have been a lota bomb threats lately.
F *I am alright. Papyrus is alright. NO ONE will hurt us here.
I promise.
S *yeah i know kiddo… i know... just need some sleep.（;≧皿≦）。゜°。ううううぅぅぅ
F *Then you shall have some tonight, my dearest friend.
"...oh kiddo," Sans glared at the word friend on the screen, "why do ya always gotta put me in the zone, dontcha know i love ya… dammit." In his hand his phone chimed, but he did not feel like responding. Sans wanted the comfort and security that came with talking to Frisk, but every time she put him in the friend zone it felt like his SOUL was shattering into dust. The chime came again and he dropped his phone on the floor and sulked like a petulant child. He did not understand, how she could in one breath make his heart stutter when she called him her dear and then scatter him to the wind in the next moment with the dreaded word friend. The chime came a third time and then a fourth, but he continued to ignore it. When the fifth and sixth chimes came he reached for the device; grabbing and unlocking it quickly as the seventh message announced itself.
F *Sans?
F *My dear?
F *Agent Bones?
F *Sans... Sans?
F *Still with me Sans?
F *Sans… my dear, are you there?
F *Sans? Did you fall asleep?
Sans stared blankly at the messages on the screen. He didn't know how to feel about any of them, reluctantly he began to type a response.
S *yeah, sorry… i'm here kiddo… i dropped my phone.
F *Oh, okay… as long as you are alright then.
S *yeah… heh ‿↼ ಠ‿↼ (ΘεΘʃƪ)σ(^┰゜)
F *Sans?
S *hmmm?
F *Knock-knock...
S *who's there?
F *Choo-choo…
S *choo-choo who?
F *Now I see why you went off the rails.
S *why?
F *You sound like a train. ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭*✩‧₊˚
S *ha-ha very funny young lady. ( ᴼ ڡ ᴼ )σ(^┰゜)ლ(^ڡ゜ლ)
does paps know you are goofing off? ‿↼
F *No, not yet, he is still yelling at you.（╬ಠ益ಠ)
S *great… i'll never hear the end of it.(Ò 皿 Ó ╬)
F *This too shall pass ༼(∩ ͡°╭͜ʖ╮͡ ͡°)༽⊃━ ﾟ. * ･ ｡ﾟmy dear.
Pour vous. -;-
S * heh, merci. et pour vous -;- ʚ ⃛ɞ(ू•ᴗ•ू❁)
F *You are too skilled… ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Is it true, are you really smoking in the stairwell?ू(･ิ ॄ･ิू๑)
S *...uh, hell yeah! ✧*。ヾ(｡ ﹏ ｡)ﾉﾞ✧*。i'm a bada$$
F *$hit... Sans, someone is going to call the fire marshal,
again…(＠￣Д￣＠；) Also, do not swear.
S *OMG… did YOU just swear your highness? （＊〇□〇）…！
F *Uh… no! ┻━┻ミ＼（≧ロ≦＼）
S *you totes did… i. saw. you.┗(•ˇ_ˇ•)―→
F *NOPE. 凸(^▼ｪ▼ﾒ^) Just nope. Never happened.
I deny everything, also I have diplomatic immunity.
S *omg, paps is gonna flip (ﾉಥ益ಥ）ﾉ ┻━┻
if he sees that text kiddo.┌∩┐(ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐
not to mention the spanking i'm gonna be forced
to give ya. ಠ‿↼
F *... … …
F *... …
F *...
F *LOL, Sans.
F *wtheck? NOT COOL.
S *heh... i took it too far… again. didn't i?
F *Yes, sort of... look my dear, you had better get down here
before Papyrus loses it completely.
S *yeah, yeah ok kiddo… and for what it's worth…
i'm sorry...
Sans turned his screen off, dropped his phone between his legs, then noticed he had a pile of cigarette ash on his pants, which he somehow managed not to recognize, and proceeded to freak out all over again.
"...fuck, fuck, shit! dust, dust… oh my god, oh my god, papyrus! papyrus!"
"BROTHER," Papyrus queried worriedly over the com.
"NO SWEARING ON THE LINE."
"...s-sorry, sorry... i'm fine, i'm fine," he said, breath shuddering, reassuring himself as much as he was his sibling.
"...i'm ok, i'm ok. i swear i'm ok. c-can you j-just come? come and get me… please," Sans pleaded.
"FINE," Papyrus huffed gently.
Sans slouched forward, dropping everything and spitting the butt on the floor. He put his head in his hands. He just was not sure what the hell was wrong, it was like he did not know his own mind. Sans dearly wanted to believe it was lack of sleep more than anything; even though he knew if he did not keep laughing he would be crying. Working with Alphys was producing dubious results, and he truly questioned her scientific knowledge and worried a lot about her mental health; more so than his own. Nevertheless, her friendship with Undyne seemed to be helping in that regard. His own personal notes were a confusing jumble; a true puzzle, one that he was sure Papyrus would love given the chance. Sometimes he could read them and everything on the page made sense. Other days he would find a note he could swear he had not written, yet other days he could not even understand his own work. It was like something was seeping through cracks that he could not see. Yet the timeline had been stable for years, not a chink, not a ripple; there had been no resets, none. Frisk had so far kept her promise.
Sans shifted his weight slightly to reach into his pocket yet again and produced a crushed bag of ketchup flavored popato chisps. He barely moved head or hands yet some how managed to open the bag with his teeth. The door creaked open in front of him and he still did not lift his head. A mirror shined wingtip kicked his scuffed one.
"SANS YOU ARE NOT REGULATION, AND YOU ARE MAKING A MESS."
"...sorry," Sans huffed half-heartedly munching the chisps.
"...uh, do ya want one?" Sans raised his arm and shook the bag at his brother.
"MOST EMPHATICALLY, NO. I KNOW YOU WERE NAPPING WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING LUNCH., SANS. YOU ARE OVERDOING IT, SMOKING, AND ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE NOT TELLING ME EVERYTHING." Papyrus sat next to his younger brother and put an arm around his shoulders.
"...pap, what? no… i'm just tired, besides i think the bones are helping," he gently nudged the pack between his feet indicating the cigarettes within.
"SANS, YOU ARE THE BEST OF BROTHERS AND A GREAT SECRET KEEPER, BUT YOU ARE A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE AND MOST VERY BAD LIAR," Papyrus said, gently shoving his brother's shoulder.
"FOR, I PAPYRUS CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU."
"...pap, i swear ta ya, honest, i'm just bone tired." Sans nudged his brother back, holding up his hands.
"YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO MUCH SMARTER THAN I," Papyrus said about as softly as he could say anything.
"...what the hell 'pyrus? …that came outta left field." Sans whipped his head up to look his brother in the eye.
"...YOU are the smartest, cleverest, bravest and most self-sacrificing monster I know; I'm proud to call you my big brother, you better NOT forget it, because i NEVER have and i NEVER will."
"SANS, I AM NOT ONLY YOUR BROTHER I AM ALSO YOUR SUPERIOR, SO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY WHEN I SAY: DON'T CALL ME… 'pyrus."
Papyrus pondered for a moment, then said, "YOU HAVE NOT CALLED ME THAT SINCE YOU WERE SMALL. ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE ALRIGHT?" Papyrus took a moment to check his brother's stats and then shook his head in disappointment.
"ARE YOU AWARE BROTHER THAT YOUR HP IS CURRENTLY SEVENTEEN POINT SEVEN EIGHT SIX THREE REPEATING? I CANNOT HAVE MY MOST TRUSTED ASSET, DELIBERATELY TURNING HIMSELF INTO A LIABILITY. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS REPEATEDLY DURING YOU INITIAL TRAINING, TAKE CARE OR I WILL SEE YOU ON DESK DUTY; BROTHER OR NO."
"...yeah 'pyrus, i'm taking care of myself, hence the chisps," Sans shook the bag again.
"...and by the way if you haven't noticed… i'm still small. but... i appreciate you raisin my awareness," the younger chuckled but the mirth didn't make it to his eyes.
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY SO HARD ALL THE TIME YOU KNOW... MAYBE IT IS THE CHISPS THAT ARE THE PROBLEM, THEN." Papyrus knew in his heart his brother was just protecting him like always, and that he wouldn't make any more headway poking into the hornet's nest that was his brother's mind; Papyrus wisely changed the subject.
"SO, WITH ALL YOUR… ANTICS, DID YOU ACTUALLY MANAGE TO HEAR THE SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT THEIR ROYAL HIGHNESSES HAVE ENTRUSTED US WITH?"
"...tibia honest, no."
"YET MORE PUNS SANS, REALLY," Papyrus rolled his eyes in a way that only a skeleton could.
"WE ARE CHARGED WITH TAKING OUR LADY AMBASSADOR, FOR HER HUMAN MEDICAL CHECK-UP."
"...can't alphys do it," Sans whined.
It was true that he wanted to spend all of his time in Frisk's company, but he really needed a day off just to replenish his HP. Additionally, human hospitals gave him the creeps. They kept their fallen in the basement for God's sake, until they buried them or dusted them with fire. While he was a monster of science, how humans dealt with those who had fallen down made no sense, particularly with what was now known of SOULS.
"NO, THE QUEEN DOES NOT TRUST HER. I BELIEVE WE SHOULD WATCH ALPHYS MORE CLOSELY." Papyrus turned to his brother and began straightening Sans' tie.
"...we should leave watching alphys to undyne she is the director and the lab's head of security."
"BUT, WE ARE FRISK'S MOST TRUSTED SECURITY AGENTS." Papyrus stood and brushed himself off, somehow managing to rise completely unwrinkled, then held out his right hand for his brother.
"...that's why leave it to undyne. the she knows whasup, b'sides she has her job and we have ours," Sans admonished gently, clasping his brother's right hand with his left. He scooped up what he could of his mess with his right.
"COME BROTHER. WE MUST NOT NEGLECT THE TARGET. ANYHOW IT IS NEARLY THE END OF THE DAY, WHICH MEANS I CAN FEED YOU SOMETHING MUCH BETTER THAN POPATO CHISPS." Papyrus kindly and with great care tugged Sans to his feet. The younger wobbled momentarily, but steadied himself by leaning heavily on the elder.