The Past 60 Years

Looking back over the past 60 years of my life would be horrible. If I could go back and change it, I would. But sadly I can't and so I must live with it. My name is Sarah, I am 60 years old and I failed at life. Everyone's given many different paths to take through life. The path may start out a simple, easy, beautiful walk and then turn into a dark, twisting and life changing sprint. That's what happened to my life. One day I was successful. The next I was fearing for my life.

It all started when I was 14. I met a group of people, the "T Blockers". They were some of the best people I have ever met. We lasted as friends through out high school and university and the start of our free life as adults. Which turned out to not be as free as we thought it would be. We were successful. We all got amazing degrees and wonderful jobs. I became a leading physiologist. The others found there perfect Mr. Right. They married on the same day. Cliché I know. The said it was the best day ever. I was glad they were happy. I don't think they realized how lonely it made me feel. They all had someone to love and be loved by. While I was alone. I just never seemed to find the person for me. I was 24 and alone.

Nothing exciting happened in my life for years. They were boring and repetitive. The same thing day in, day out. When I started my job I sat in the big chair excited for the next person I could help. But now I slump in the chair, dreading what the next person is going to pile on me. My job lost it's buzz and so did i. Even my best friends didn't notice. They were to wrapped up in married life to care about my problems and worries. We drifted apart. I would phone and the only answer I ever got was "I'm going out with my husband" or "I'm busy" or even just the answer-phone. I would go past there houses to find the lights on and people home. But they never seemed to want to talk. I would knock on the door and hear people's voices, see a face peeking through the curtain but no answer. It became a routine to walk past there houses. Occasionally I would see a couple of my friends coming in and out of the door. They all met up with each other. But not me. It made me feel even more alone. Sometimes I would walk past them. Saying hello and try to start a conversation. But they would carry on walking as if I were a stranger and I was never a part of there lives. It hurt.

So I started ignoring them. I stopped walking past there houses. I stopped phone, emailing and texting. And I stopped saying hello. I immersed myself in my work. I started helping in charities. I thought in some twisted way. If I helped others lives get better, mine would to. It didn't work. I started doing pro bono physiology. It gave my work that little bit of buzz back.

When I was 30 I walked into work like normal. I remember this day like it was yesterday. Every detail. I checked the patient list for that day. My day was filled with 6 pro bono cases. None of the last names I recognized. I sighed and sat in my chair. A women around the same age as me walked in and sat down. She looked so sad.

"Hello" I said.

She stared at the ground and mumbled "I expected an old lady but I'm sure you'll not .." She trailed off. That was insulting. She sounded snobby. Probably a women living with riches. "My husband went missing. The police said they can't do much. He's an adult and unless there is some kind of evidence supporting my statement they can't help." She sighed. "So they sent me here. They said you worked well with cases like mine. Dealing with grief they called it." I nodded. "What's his name?" I asked while sipping my coffee.

"Jeff. But me and my friends have always called him Geff." I coughed on my coffee.

"Your Ali." I said.

"Yeah, that's what my file says doesn't it." She said sarcastically. I glared. Of course she wouldn't remember me. It had only been 6 years and she'd already forgotten me.

"You don't remember me. Do you?" I asked. She shook her head. No.

"Should I?" She questioned. I nodded.

"T Blockers for life? The game? Any of this ringing any bells?" I said. She once again shook her head. "Runt! It's me. Sarah." I remember practically shouting at her. She was shocked.

"I have to leave." She stuttered. She was scared. No. Terrified of me. She stood and sprinted out the door. Slamming it behind her. That was so strange. Why was she so scared. The next patient walked in. I saw her face. You've got to be kidding me. "Danii?" I asked. Danii's eyes widened. She squeaked and turned and ran out the door. I didn't understand. Did I do something? Say something? I looked down at my patient list. All the names. It's them.

Ali

Danii

Amber

Nissa

Kirsty

Janelle.

The T Blockers.

About a hour later Amber walks in. She took once look at me and left. I didn't even get to see her face. Nissa and Kirsty did exactly the same thing. Janelle was a different story. She walked in. Sat down. Looked up. Her eyes grew wide and she sucked in a breath and said "I should leave." She stood up and made her way to the door.

"WAIT!" I shouted. "Sit down." Janelle shook her head.

"I can't. They would kill us. It's not safe." She whispered. "No where's safe." Janelle had always been a happy girl. Always smiling. Laughing. All the T Blockers had been. But something changed. They looked the way I felt. Messy hair, crumpled clothes and no light left in their eyes.

"Who would kill us? Janelle. Tell me please. I'm here to help. It's what I do. Please." I begged her. I have to help them. They were my best friends. It's my duty to help. She was shaking. I stood up and walked slowly towards her. I took her gently by her shoulders and led her to the comfy seat. She sat down. Buy it was more instinct than anything else.

"Tell me who would kill us." I asked quietly.

"Geff and the other guys." She whispered.

"Why would Jeff want to kill us?" I was confused. The T Blockers always talked so highly of Jeff. Ali married him for crying out loud. So why would he want to kill Janelle. Let alone me. I never even met the guy, except on their wedding day.

"He doesn't want us speaking to you. He said you would get into our brains. Change us. And if you did. He would kill us and you." I nodded. That makes sense in a twisted way. I would change them. I would have dragged them down with me and my problems. But even that would have been better than this. Better than a group of broken girls. Scared for their lives.

I pulled Janelle into a hug and whispered "It's going to be ok." There was a bang at the door. The door opened to show a shaking Danii. "The guys are have to run, Sarah. I'm sorry. I had to tell them you were here. Run!" Too late. I stepped away from Janelle just as a tall man walked in. "Hurry u... Sarah." He growled and pounced at me. It went to fast. One second I was standing next to Janelle. Next I was being slammed into a wall and held of the ground by a giant greasy hand. And boy did it hurt. My brain was going a mile a minute. If I didn't act soon I would suffocate. I lifted my leg and kicked him. He let go to grab his stomach. Sarah 1. Big Guy 0. I scrambled behind my desk grabbed my pepper spray and waited. The guy stood up and walked slowly around the desk. Danii and Janelle were cowering by the door. My first instinct was to run screaming but I know that would help no one. He reached for me. I shuffled even closer to the desk. He bent down to grab my wrist. Bad idea. His face leaned in and I sprayed it. He screamed. A huge loud girly scream. In any other circumstance I would have laughed but not this time. I grabbed my keys and sprinted out the room. Danii and Janelle followed. I turned and locked the door behind me. That wouldn't last long but it was better than nothing. Everyone else in the building had already fled. I rushed the girls to my car. They got in and I sped off. I didn't have a plan I just had to get away. We stopped at a park.

"What are we going to do?" I asked.

"What 'we'?" Danii asked. "Me and Janelle are going to go home and apologize. A lot. You can do what you want. I can't let Amber, Nissa, Ali and Kirsty pay for what we just did." I remember staring at Danii. Why? I mean We can find a way to get them all out. But I can't do this by myself. I've been alone to long to just let them go back to that place.

"I'm coming to." I stated firmly.

"No, They will kill you." Janelle whined. Then realization hit her eyes. "but you know that. Don't you?" I nodded. Of course I knew they may kill me. I was just hoping they took pity on the girls if they were the ones to take me.

After much debating. I finally got then to agree. Danii drove the car while Janelle made some makeshift hand-cuffs. They blind-folded me and led me into the house. It smelled old and musty. You could taste the dampness on your tongue. They led me through twists and turns. Up stairs and through doors. Until we stopped. I heard footsteps. Loud thumping foot steps. They were exaggerated. No doubt about it. The man wanted me to be intimidated by trying to sound bigger than he was. The only small one out of the T Blockers guys was "Jeff, It's wonderful to see you again." I said sounding indifferent to the situation I was in. I was glad my voice did not betray my emotions. "There is no need to act macho just for me." I said sarcastically. He coughed. Clearing his throat.

"Must you always evaluate the situation. But I guess that is what you shrinks do. You pick at every tiny detail. Making up false diagnostics and taking pride in having a perfect paying job of listening to people whine about life." He snarled. I remember shrugging and then everything went black.

I woke up in the dark. It was cold and hard. There was a dripping noise in a corner somewhere and my head hurt. I tried to reach for my head but found I was restrained by two cold metal things around my wrists. The lights flicked on. It hurt until my eyes adjusted. I was in a cellar of some walls and floor were bright white with random stains of red and brownish dirt. My wrists were handcuffed to the wall behind me. There was a speaker and a small door on the far wall.

"Welcome to time out. Sarah." Jeff's voice crackled through the speaker. "The duration of your stay is determined by the way you have acted throughout life. 5 years for being a feminist. 5 years for constantly pestering my wife and her friends. 5 years for giving up on them. 5 years for giving up on your job. 10 years for picking it back up and death for talking sarcastically to me. You will live though all your sentences. There is no changing. Once your 30 year sentence is up. You shall then proceed to the last one. Death." And with that the the speaker crackled off. I sat there in silence. I was hoping he would just kill me. But no this is what I get instead. A white room. And a sentence that only ends in death anyway.

I don't know how much time past. I got one meal every 24 hours or something. My watch stopped working ages ago. I thought I did the right thing coming in here. I thought I saved the T Blockers. I was wrong. When Kirsty bought me my daily meal. I saw tears in her eyes. "What happened?" I croaked.

"They killed Danii and Janelle." She sobbed as she pushed the plate of bread and watery soup.

"No." I whispered. "I'm in here to save you all. That's the only reason I'm in here." I sat there shaking me head for days. There dead. They can't be dead. Kirsty wouldn't lie. Would she? No. She wouldn't.

From then on I got fewer meals and it was always one of the guys bringing it down. Never Jeff though. I would get an announcement every 5 years. Telling me one sentence was up and I was onto the next one. About 1 year from my impending doom I was given a piece of paper and a pen. And so I started writing. To begin with it was pictures and words and then about two weeks ago I got this idea. What if someone found me. Wouldn't they want to know what happened and who did it. Even if I was dead. Yes. And so I started writing. And now we've finally caught up with the present time. Tomorrow is the day. My last 10 year sentence is up. Only one more thing to go and then I'll be free. Finally free. Ali just walked in. Handed me a hair brush and is sitting next to me. I ask her "Where is everyone else?" Her face explains it all. And we both know it's our day. Jeff walks in a smiles. An old wrinkly smile. He did not age well. He grabs Ali's hand and leads her out the room. I use my voice for the first time in years. "Special friend." I shout. She heard. She's smiling at me through all her tears. I can feel myself smiling back. Maybe this won't be as bad as I thought.

The T Blockers were the best friends I could ever have asked for. They respected me for who I am and not for the way I look past stereotypes and laugh in the face of embarrassment. Each of them brings some kind of different experience to the group. Their names were Danii, Amber, Ali, Nissa, Janelle and Kirsty. They were murdered and I'm next. My names Sarah. I'm 60 years old and today, I die.