Meet Kevin Underwood
By Rob Morris
(Watching TV in late summer 2006, we see an ad for a new show on a major American TV network)
( A young man comes outside of a rustic inn, with glasses and looking like Hollywood's idea of a salvageable nerd; he speaks to the camera)
KU : Hi! I'm Kevin Underwood, and this is my story. I used to come here as a kid to my Grandma's Inn, and it was here I met a girl and made a solemn promise that I've never forgotten—the promise, that is. The girl not so much. In the pursuit of my dream to enter Harvard University, I've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that determination matters not so much as good grades and smooth admissions interviews. So after my second failure, my parents told me choose another dream or choose another roof to live under—so off to Grandma Henrietta's Inn and Health Spa.
(He shrugs broadly)
KU : Problem is, Grandma never really let us all know that she converted the place into an all-girls dorm. A dorm I now run as manager. The health spa's still here, including the sunken Jacuzzi—which is where I met Nancy…
(Girl with long red hair passes the camera, sneers at KU, walks off)
Nancy : Mark me, he won't be here a week!
KU : Nancy…doesn't like being surprised in the Jacuzzi—even if she's the one doing the surprising. And…she's a hitter-hard hitter. Nancy could be my long-lost girl, but every time I look at her to try and remember, she starts hitting me again.
( A girl who looks something like OJ Simpson's youngest daughter as a child jumps on KU's back—he grunts from the weight)
Kala : Big Brother-play with me!
(She runs off)
KU : That…was Kala Sue. Very sweet, very lovable-and very insane. She wants to be an inventor…(grunts and grabs at his back)…she could make me a truss.
(A girl well toned and in a karate ghi karate chops him)
Mattie : Man up, Underwood! All men are worthless, but you are twice as worthless as any of them. And don't think I'm not watching you every minute!
(She leaves)
KU : Mattie Ailsen is a top athlete—and an Olympic contender—that is, if murdering me as she's promised doesn't disqualify her. There are those who think she's secretly in love with me—to which I can only reply, 'Hey, well-kept secret there.' And-
( He sees another girl, who he stops from leaving)
KU : Kitty, there's the small matter of the rent you owe.
Kitty : oops. How much?
KU : 400 dollars.
Kitty : Oh—well, just deduct it from the 400 I owe you for next month.
KU : Okay, but-
(By the time he catches on, she's gone)
KU : Kitty Conner is a party girl-who never invites me to the party. Wouldn't hurt so much if she didn't use my room for her get-togethers. I get help running the place from my Aunt Harriet—who adores me.
(Harriet, a woman not that much older than the other girls, stops, looks at him and sighs. She is played by a Teri Hatcher type)
Harriet : Kevin—(squeezes his cheek playfully) please try not to be a complete idiot today, alright?
(Her look is still playful, not contemptuous as she walks off)
KU : Yeah, I know. YOUR Aunt Harriet never looked like that. Finally, there's Sharon. (Deep thoughtful happy look on his face) Sharon is sweet, Sharon is a great cook, Sharon forgives my flubs, Sharon never hits me, cheats me, threatens me, and Sharon is one of the prettiest girls you'll ever meet. What's the catch, you say?
( Sharon runs up and hugs him, a look of obvious adoration on her face)
Sharon : Hi, Mister Underwood!
KU : (Still being held fast by Sharon) Sharon is fourteen.
Sharon : Fifteen next March.
KU : It's April, Sharon. So come and see us. Watch as…
Nancy : We throw you out on your ear?
Mattie : We lay you in an unmarked grave?
Kala : We take a rocket to Mars?
Kitty : (snuggling against him) We go rent-free forever?
Sharon : We elope, my darling?
KU : (Eyes bugging out as he makes a run for it) Watch as I survive—hopefully! AAAAAHHH!
(The girls chase him out; Harriet looks at the screen)
Harriet : He'll be fine-Underwoods are built tough. And just maybe it's those girls who are in for it. My nephew never stops trying—even when he probably should. So join us and see how he does. Just—be patient. This may take a while.
Announcer : LOVE, HENRIETTA! COMING THIS FALL ON FRIDAYS AT 9:30pm, RIGHT AFTER 'THE CUCKOO HOUSE', 'MY COMPUTER DATE', AND 'NO NEED FOR MASON'. THEN STAY TUNED FOR THE HIT DRAMA, 'ELVES' SONG' AT 10pm EST
Author's Note : This is not a show I would like to see—it's just my version of what American Network TV might have done with it.