You Anti-Social Prick
Story 1: How Near Became the Successor
In the wee hours of the morning, Rodger hung a sign above the foyer of the orphanage—almost killing himself twice—that read, "Welcome L!" The genius was coming to Wammy's, to enLIGHTen the young minds, with his friends Light and Matsuda. No one really knew about it until Matt and Mello had ran up and down the hallway, banging pots and pans together, screaming the good news as loud as a chocolate-addicted Madonna wannabe and a secret chain smoker could.
L arrived at ten o'clock sharp, with Matsuda and Light dressed as his own, personal Secret Service—complete with suits, earpieces, and big, aviator sunglasses from a gift shop—and mumbling everything L was doing as he entered the building. Watari, the old chap, merely rolled his eyes and walked ahead of the three stooges. L—like the old chap Watari—was ignoring Light and Matsuda, because he knew very well that the water at that tower was contaminated, and that should have been the explanation for Light's behavior—Matsuda, not so much.
At ten, the little five and six-year-olds were seated in the cafeteria, throwing spaghetti at the walls, while the kitchen staff rolled their blood-shot eyes and served some dessert to the good little demons shoving the plastic trays in their faces demanding the chocolately goodness of a processed brownie. Matt and Mello, however, were in their rooms, waiting eagerly for their hero to arrive—who ever said a fourteen-year-old boy and his chain-smoking side kick couldn't have a side kick was a ninny—betting on what time he would come and how many times Near would foam at the mouth like that guy from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Matt claimed that L would come at ten, while Mello said he would get there closer to three in the morning (what possessed him to say that, no one could really guess). They both assumed that Near would foam at the mouth more than once (that was a pure given).
Rodger's droll voice crackled into the bought-when-yo-grandmamma-was-three speaker when he turned it on, "I need Near, Matt, and Mello to meet me in my office. Now." He didn't sound happy, but really, Rodger rarely sounded happy. Maybe one time, when the London police officers threatened to have Matt and Mello moved to a military academy, Rodger might have perked up slightly with a skip in his step, but the boys were seven and eight at the time—no one was really sure.
The boys scrambled out of Mello and Near's room, sprinting into Rodger's fishy-smelling office on the first floor, to the right of the foyer. Near was right on their heels, clad in an "I heart L like I hate Mello" tee-shirt and his regular pajama pants. Mello was the first one in the door, with Mello and Near not too far behind, heaving like a chain-smoker and a kid who had about no physical education his entire life (but he could haul butt when needed).
"OMG L!" Mello screamed like a teenage girl who just saw Zac Efron. He sparkled a little too, according to Matt's interview about L's visit. Matsuda and Light appeared in front of Mello, expressionless, examining the young fanboy from behind their large sunglasses.
Matt rolled his eyes, Mello shrunk, and Near clammed up.
"And you three are…" Light trailed off so they could finish the sentence. He and Matsuda crossed their arms over their suits and leaned on each other for support.
All three clammed up and took a step back under Light's harsh gaze.
"You three are anti-social pricks, aren't you?" Matsuda said. The three stared back at the man's—kid's?—bluntness in the situation.
Rodger coughed from his chair, "These are the three most, uh promising…children here." Well, he wasn't exactly sure what to call the three stooge-children from another dimension of people who like to annoy Rodger. (It really did exist. It's like, if you were heading to The World That Never Was, take a left instead of going right at the seventh fork in the road).
L smiled and took another bite of cake, "It's good to see you three once again; have you all been doing well?"
Light cocked an eyebrow, Ah, so these are the people I will have to eliminate after I get rid of L. Geez. Three. Well, the blond one looks kinda…stupid…won't be much of a problem. The L-stalker, he might be. Yeah. I foresee a showdown in an abandoned warehouse in the future. And Goggles. Meh. I think he'll die in a car. He took a protective step away from Matsuda, and his Shinigami chuckled.
As you can clearly see, Light is a man of small though processes.
Watari smiled, at everyone in the room and clapped his large hands together, "How about some lunch out on the town—what do you say, boys?"
Mello and Matt nodded, their smiles like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. Near nodded in a more polite manner, hoping to impress L, who was very interested in the donuts Matsuda had just delivered.
Apparently "Out on the town" really meant "Cafeteria in the orphanage" in Watari's book. The group crammed into a table—Mello and Near on either side of L—next to the tray dump spot—because there will be no traffic there—and looked at the questionable spaghetti while L enjoyed the chocolaty goodness of the processed faux-chocolate brownies.
Matt poked his and could have swore that his actually growled at him. He pushed his tray closer to Light, who wrinkled his nose in a way that made thousands of Zac Efron fan girls faint. "So, what brings you all here. To Whammy's. On growling spaghetti day."
The spaghetti hissed and crawled off his plate. Light, Matsuda, and Matt shared the same looked of horror.
"Well, I missed my home—and these lovely brownies, Rodger, please give Watari the recipe—" Rodger made a mental note to give Watari the number for the orphanage food company and he started paying attention to L's lengthy explanation. "—and the monkeys haven't been trained to catch Kira quite yet, so I decided to pay a vist."
Mental note: never, ever stop listening to L's rather lengthy explanations. He really wanted his beetles and spiders back.
"Yeah. And he wanted to pick a succ—" Matsuda started before Light slapped his hand over the younger man's—boy's?—mouth. L had said before leaving, "Do not tell them I am picking a successor, I know these boys—Near will do unspeakable things to be my successor—and I'd like to keep Matt and Mello around!"
For a slight moment, L had forgotten that he was not supposed to get mad—except for that one time he kicked Light—and the vein popped out of his head, "Matsuda. Go lick a ground hog."
"What?"
"Do it before I banish you!" L pointed to the door. Everyone scooted back an inch—except Near, who scooted closer to L's side.
Yes, L does have the powers to banish people.
"Pick me! Oh please! I'll lick the ground hog! And the toilet! AND YOUUU!" Near cried, causing everyone to scoot back even more than they already were (Matt was half-way to Timbuktu by then).
"So, he's not an anti-social prick?" Matsuda asked Light in the middle of an awkward silence.
"That's not the point." Light grinded his perfect, Zac Efron teeth together and turned to his partner.
"Then what is?"
"The point is that Near is bat-crap crazy!" Light shrieked, causing the entire cafeteria to stare at him in shock. "Well someone had to say it."
"Where are Matt and Mello?" Watari asked, looking around for the Duo of Impending Doom.
Matt and Mello were in Mello and Near's room, playing video games and gorging on chocolate. They had given up on L when Near started talking about the licking, and they new that staying out of it meant keeping them alive until they got married and had wonderful children.
Yeah, about that—
Back in the cafeteria, L sighed and said, "My successor will be…drumroll please…" And true to the author's literalistic nature, a drum rolled across the cafeteria, confusing the entering ten-year-olds.
L rolled his eyes, "Near."
Every Death Note fan sighed, "Yeah. We know."