Summary: I thought I was the most miserable person on Earth…Until I met him. Oddly enough, his cold, mature demeanor attracted me and I wanted to know more about him. However, I didn't think that we could become close because of the glass window that separated the two of us. The only thing that connected us were the worn out telephones hanging on both sides of the wall.
Chapter One: The Convict
The small and bright chatter of birds woke Alice up from her deep sleep. She slowly opened her eyes and placed her right arm over her forehead. It's another day. I don't feel like going today…
Alice slipped on a light blue robe and put up her brown hair into a messy bun. It's another day. It's a Thursday. As she poured coffee into her mug, she looked at the calendar and sighed.
"I guess I have to visit Vivaldi today. Or else…" She muttered to herself and continued drinking her coffee. I wish I could made better coffee. Maybe I should ask Julius to teach me one day… Alice pondered as she drank her quite watery, tasteless coffee. It's been a few years since she talked to Julius. Or actually anybody since that incident.
Alice looked at her one room studio and sighed. "Maybe I should just move back in with mother... I don't think I can bear this any longer…" Alice got up and dressed into a simple dress and left her hair in a bun. She washed her face and took a good, long look in the mirror.
Dark circles showed signs of insomnia. Her lips pulled into a tight line. Her eyebrows were unenthusiastically downwards. A few dark spots were here and there. And a lifeless glare was reflected in the mirror. Yes. That same glazed look she held since she could remember when that happened.
Alice quickly washed her face and gave herself a quick pat on the cheeks. "I can do this. I can do this," She said, trying to give herself a small boost of confidence for today.
Alice grabbed her light green cardigan and small purse before locking the door.
The noise from the bustling streets grew more prominent as Alice walked out of the elevator and out of her apartment complex. People passed by, giving only a glance at her before continuing on and walking towards their destination. Only if Alice could be like that. Only if she could walk with her head high and continue walking forward. But for Alice, she was stuck in the past. Stuck with despair.
St. Agnes's was a famous institution located in the Northern district of Tokyo. Regardless of age, race, gender, and situation, St. Agnes took in anyone who needed help of any kind. It took Alice about 20 minutes every Thursday to reach this institution by train. Uncle Gowland suggested that Alice take a visit to St. Agnes because he thought it would be the place for Alice to cope with her depression.
"Sister Kyoko, I'm here for my two hour session with Dr. Vivaldi," Alice said as she entered the small, yet elegant lobby of St. Agnes. A tiny nun, probably in her 60s, gave a huge smile to Alice.
"Good morning Alice! How are you?"
Alice gave a polite smile and answered, "I'm doing better. I guess."
Sister Kyoko smiled gently and walked out of the small reception desk to give Alice a hug. "Well, I'm glad you're doing better. We missed you last week! Would you like some hot tea?"
"No, I'm fine," Alice declined politely.
Sister Kyoko smiled kindly. "Well, okay then, dear. Just have a seat in the waiting room and Dr. Vivaldi should be out soon. Please, tell me if you need anything."
Alice smiled. "I will, thank you."
Alice sat down in the comfy waiting room. It was decorated very simply, but just enough that it felt like you were in a house. Alice felt at ease when she was here, yet she didn't want to be here for her sessions. About fifteen minutes passed and Dr. Vivaldi still hadn't called Alice. Alice huffed. I really don't want to be here… as kind as these people are… I don't want to be here as a patient…
Alice's eyes wandered around and noticed a rack filled with different pamphlets:
Know a loved one struggling with depression? St. Agnes is here to help!
Tokyo University's Medical Research Guide on Psychological Illness
Therapy for the Mind
How to Cope with Anxiety
Domestic Violence: Choose the Best for Yourself and Your Future
Suicide and Depression
Alice stopped reading the pamphlets as they caused her to deepen her dark thoughts.
"Alice!" Alice looked up and felt herself being hugged, well more like attacked, by none other than Vivaldi, head psychiatrist of St. Agnes.
"Alice!~ I missed you so much! Why didn't you come last week?" Vivaldi gave a huff and hurt look as she let go of Alice. Alice gave a soft laugh.
"Sorry, my mother called me and asked me to come visit her," said Alice. She looked away and a dark look washed over her face. Vivaldi felt concerned, but to keep things lively, she pulled Alice towards her office.
"Well, it's fine then. Now we get TWO hours together instead of one!" Vivaldi smiled and Alice couldn't help but smile as well.
"How are you?"
"I…. I feel," Alice gulped. "…fine."
Vivaldi pursed her lips and scribbled something on her notepad. "Hmmm… okay. So what did you do yesterday? Did you see anyone?"
Alice pondered for a moment. "Hm… no… I didn't… but…"
Vivaldi leaned in. Alice felt guilt trapped by Vivaldi.
"Um…."
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it Alice. We can talk about something else!" Vivaldi said. "I can show you pictures of my new collection of cute stationary!"
Alice smiled. She and Vivaldi became quite close over the course of this past year. It seems like one of Alice's friends were siblings with Vivaldi. "It's okay Vivaldi, I think I can tell you."
"Well, I'll still show you after session," Vivaldi laughed. "Well, what would you like to tell me?"
"I'm… I'm scared of dying."
Vivaldi listened closely.
"I'm scared of living as well. I remembered the first time I tried to commit suicide. And then, I remembered the second time I tried to commit suicide.
I wondered 'Why didn't I die? I wanted to die, didn't I?'
But, it was all in vain. I feel like I'm running away, but I'm so scared to confront it Vivaldi. I don't think I'll ever get over it…"
By this time, Alice was struck with large droplets of tears, running down her face. Vivaldi grabbed a few tissues and handed them over to Alice.
"Alice, I know you've been feeling this way for a long time since that happened. And I just want to let you know, it's not your fault. There is no need to feel so much shame or guilt. You don't have to forget if you don't want to, but I am here if you want to move forward."
Alice sneezed into a tissue before saying something. "But, day in and day out, I feel like some sort of zombie. I feel like the most miserable person on Earth!" Vivaldi patted Alice's back. She let Alice cry her heart out for another 30 minutes before calming her down.
"Alice, I have a request," said Vivaldi. Alice wiped her tears. "I don't want to see you crying at every session we have. I want to see your smile. Your bright eyes. And of course your beautiful laughter. My baby brother always talked about how much you laughed before." Alice blushed a bit.
"So, you don't have to come."
"What?" Alice was dumbfounded.
"You don't have to come here. I know you don't want to be here as a patient and I don't either. I don't think this place is exactly for you."
"So what are you suggesting?" Alice asked.
"Let's go!" Vivaldi suddenly grabbed Alice and ran out the door with Alice in tow. "Kyoko-san! I'll be out for about an hour or so!" Vivaldi gave waved and pulled Alice into a yellow cab.
"Vivaldi, where are we going?"
The two of them sat in total silence in the taxi cab. Alice noticed the scenery becoming less urban and more rural with fields of rice passing by quickly.
"You'll see when we get there! I come here usually on Monday's, but they're open Thursday's as well," said Vivaldi. She smiled at Alice who just gave her a puzzled look.
"Here we are Misses. Tokyo Nishi's Detention Center," said the taxi cab driver.
"Detention center?" Alice gave a quizzical look as Vivaldi stepped out of the cab. "W-wait, Vivaldi!"
Vivaldi walked quickly towards the entrance and led Alice inside. "This is Tokyo Nishi's Detention Center, or what we would normally call, jail."
"Jail?!" Alice was totally confused. "Why are we at jail?!"
Alice had a quick look and already assumed the worst. All of them are criminals.
"Alice, don't fret. I come here once a week and sometimes even twice a week to just help out and talk with some of the inmates. None of them have done anything to me. Some of them are actually quite sweet," said Vivaldi.
"But, how… how…"
"Now, now, let's go to the visitor's room. There's someone I would like for you meet," Vivaldi pulled Alice towards the door and Alice felt shivers go down her spine. It's probably dark and creepy… Why did Vivaldi bring me here?!
"Aceee! Come out!" Vivaldi shouted on the top of her lungs. Alice looked around. Just white, bare walls. And a single seat in front a glass window with a telephone hanging next to it.
"Huh, what?" A tall, lean, and handsome young man appeared from the guard's room on the right side of the room. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.
"Oh, it's just you Vivaldi," he sighed.
"You stupid Knight… I have a visitor for Mr. Ringmarc today," said Vivaldi.
Ace looked over Vivaldi's shoulder and saw the delicate Alice hiding behind Vivaldi. Ace gave a whistle and winked at Alice. "It seems like you brought a real cutie Vivaldi."
Vivaldi scowled and hit Ace on the head with her purse. "You are not to harass this poor girl. She is under my care and you are not to touch her! Ugh… men!" Ace snickered before acting proper.
"So, you would like to see the lizard today?" asked Ace.
"Not me, but Alice," said Vivaldi.
"What?!" Alice was about to say something, but Vivaldi just hushed her.
"Well, I don't know… he wasn't in such a good mood after recreation time. He took this inmate and punched—"
"Ahem!" Vivaldi cleared her throat and sighed. "Just bring out Mr. Ringmarc before I hit you again Ace."
"Whatever you say," muttered Ace. He swung his keys around and disappeared behind another set of doors.
"Alice, I want you to come here every Thursday at 3 p.m. for about an hour, okay? This will be your session for now on. I'll come at the end of every month to see how you two are doing," said Vivaldi.
"But, I don't think I can do this Vivaldi. How is this supposed to help me?" Alice asked. She felt unsure, mainly because she was visiting jail.
"It's all how you perceive it Alice. Just give a call if you ever need someone to talk to though."
BUZZ…. BUZZ….
Alice heard some gears from a door unlocking and a few more clicks.
"I'll be going now, Alice," said Vivaldi. "Promise me, please."
Alice looked away, but then looked Vivaldi straight in the eyes. "I promise."
"Miss Alice, the lizard, oops I mean Mr. Ringmarc is here," said Ace.
Alice heard a chinking noise approaching the window. It grew louder and louder and then it stopped. Then a thump accompanied the stale air.
"Go on," Vivaldi pushed Alice to the chair that was placed in front of the glass window.
Alice slowly walked to the chair and gently sat down. The glare of the light's room covered the man's face, but soon it cleared up.
Dark, yellow eyes glared back at Alice's own innocent, teal-blue eyes.
Alice picked up the phone.
"H-hello… My name is Alice. Alice Liddell…"
The man picked up the phone as well. A soft, yet cold voice answered back.
"Gray. Gray Ringmarc."
I LOVE GRAY. Hello my fellow fanfiction readers! After being sick for a week, I thought about writing this... I hope it's a bit refreshing. I guess... I don't know... x) But, I hope some of you can relate to this fanfic. I'm not out there to offend anyone who actually struggled with depression. It's part of my story and I apologize if you get offended. (It just became a part of the story, the more I thought about it). But, I do hope you all enjoy this new fanfic!
If you have any suggestions or comments, please REVIEW! :)
~Seo Hyunee (P.S. Update in my Bio!)