A/N I don't know if it was just me but it always slightly bugged me that Lindstrom gave her a replacement for her 'fearless' necklace that was lost into evidence with Lewis. It just felt wrong, so I took the opportunity to imagine how she could replace it when she gave the replacement to Ariel in the season finale...I reckon this could work as a companion to my 'I told her that this was necessary' story or as a oneshot on its own...
I'm not sure when I noticed it. I think maybe she has always had it.
It was never something overt, just a very inconspicuous touch when things got particularly hard. Maybe it was a reminder to herself?
I don't know where she got the original, whether it was a treasured gift from someone significant or if it was a inexpensive, spur of the moment, self gift but it became an ever-present part of every outfit. I suppose it became a discrete talisman of sorts, providing some sort of comfort when it was needed.
So when she left it in the car Lewis used to take her from her apartment, for us, as evidence of her presence in the vehicle, I could see its loss was keenly felt.
When I'm sure she was in most dire need of its familiar comfort, her hand would softly reach to her neck to find nothing.
Not long after her return to work, one day that absence around her neck was once more filled, by a delicate gold chain, bearing the letters of its predecessor...'fearless'. I don't know who provided her with the replacement. She wore it every day. The only time I can remember seeing her without it was in her guise as a madam when she rescued Ariel form Johnny D's clutches. But it never seemed to provide the same comfort. Somehow the replacement never quite had the same value to her as the original.
After Lewis' death, I did offer to return her original piece from evidence, but she refused it. I understood that whatever comfort it had once provided had been lost in its association with her horrific experiences at that monster's hands.
I didn't question her any further.
I didn't notice its absence from her neck at first, but I did notice the neckpiece that Ariel's hand unconsciously found its way to multiple times. As she mimicked the gesture I had become so familiar with in Liv, I recognized the piece. On closer examination, Liv's neck was bare. She had given her 'fearless' to the brave young woman. I had no doubt that it had found a good home. Somehow it felt right that it was valued, as the young woman appeared to, in a way that Liv had never quite been able to.
Somehow the absence of her once beloved charm, disturbed me. I couldn't help but speculate why she had parted with it. Did the word not hold the same meaning it once had? Was it somehow also contaminated by memories of Lewis by association? Was its source somehow fouling its power?
I worried that it may be overstepping my boundaries but I nonetheless resolved to find a suitable replacement.
I found myself in Tiffany's browsing endless glass cases full of shimmering jewels. All were beautiful, the very best, but somehow completely wrong. She didn't need a precious, shining, stone adorning her neck, it was much too ostentatious for her more simple tastes.
I understood that she preferred something meaningful and that she didn't need gems to enhance her stunning natural beauty.
She seemed to prefer gold to other metals so armed with a much more discerning eye I set out to finding the perfect piece.
My first instinct was to get a simple gold pendant like she had previously had and have Noah's name engraved on it but it was too personal, too obvious, something that could be used by observant criminals against her.
As my search ventured online, one evening at home, I discovered beautiful gold stylized tree of life pendants. I was struck by their beauty and simplicity, I still felt the need for some powerful word to accompany the beautiful symbol but this had definite potential.
So with pictures in hand I found my way to a small, family, jewelers shop. I browsed the cases of understated, beautiful pieces, impressed by their high quality and individual style. A wizened grey haired man, stroked his chin thoughtfully as I attempted to describe what I wanted. A piece that incorporated a word and a tree of life...
He asked me about the person who would wear it, does she prefer delicate, small, pieces or statement, larger, pieces? Does she prefer yellow gold or rose gold? How will she wear the piece?
His questions started to make me doubt that I should be buying something so personal for her. He seems to see my hesitance growing with each of his probing questions and softly asks, what gave me the idea?
I attempt to explain how she had a piece that she always wore, that her hand seemed to wander to, for comfort or a reminder of her strength. He nodded gently in understanding. He asked why I chose the tree of life symbol, and I tried to explain its simple beauty, and deeper meaning, had attracted me to it.
He smiled as I explained that it had particular significance as she is just in the process of completing her son's adoption, how it also looks like a family tree...
He thoughtfully asks what word I would like to use? I furrow my brow, explaining that her original piece read 'fearless' and whilst the word describes her perfectly, I think she would prefer something else. He persuades me to describe her to him, not her appearance, her character...
I attempt to describe her kindness, her compassion, her joy at finally having a family of her own, how her work is more than just a job and her work colleagues are more her family...
His smile widens as he says one simple word...'family' .
I repeat the word, 'family',... it definitely conveys comfort, power, reassurance,... 'family'...it also commemorates Noah's adoption perfectly but in a discrete way... 'family'...
I nod my agreement... 'family'.
He starts to sketch quickly on a small yellow notepad. His dexterous hands completely at odds with his slightly hunched, shriveled body.
Within moments he is turning the notepad towards me, a rough circle drawn around a beautiful tree of life. Only when I look closer at it can I see the word family woven into the leaves of the tree.
It is perfect. I can't find the words to tell him how it is exactly what I wanted so I just nod, swallowing deeply.
He smiles softly, suggesting yellow gold and a smaller more delicate piece if she wishes to wear it daily.
Again I nod, in complete agreement, happily paying and arranging to pick it up in time for our planned celebration of Noah's adoption being finalized.
I walk into the jewelers the morning of the celebration, smiling back at the same grizzled man who greets me with a wide, warm smile, as he stretches underneath the counter for a small black leather box. He opens it with a slight click as the lid locks, passing it across the counter for my approval.
There, nestled on a pale blue silken lining, sits a beautiful necklace. It's a small, yellow gold, rectangle, a little wider, but its general size not dissimilar to her 'fearless', there its similarities end though. This rectangle has a raised oval, which contains a beautiful tree of life. Its roots and branches anchored delicately to the oval encasing it on the thin gold tablet. I run my finger over the raised symbol as I find the word 'family' delicately woven into the leaves and branches. It is perfect, even better than the hand drawn sketch he had showed me when I ordered it.
I thank him profusely as he gift-wraps it in layers of soft silver tissue paper, which he expertly gathers together into a navy blue bow on the top of the little box, before dropping it into a little navy gift bag.
I gently put it into the car, sitting it on the empty passenger seat, before I head off to Liv's.
I hide the gift in the bag I pull out of the trunk, containing champagne, a toy for Noah, and some extra provisions for the get together.
I secrete the little bag in the living room as Liv takes the champagne into the kitchen to remove it from its travel chill bag, and Noah busies himself with his newest toy. I fight the urge to give her the golden charm immediately, preferring instead to stick to my original plan to wait until everyone has gone.
The celebration is almost perfect as she shares her happiness with her family. The only thing to slightly dampen the joy comes in a whispered conversation between her and her partner. I can only assume that after his injury he has chosen to take the retirement package he would no doubt be entitled to, due to his line of duty injury, I can see her upset but also her acknowledgement that she will support his decision.
I am fleetingly, angry at his choice of moment, but also understand how hard it must have been for him to make such a decision, and his need to tell his partner.
I begin to doubt my own timing and start to rethink whether I should withhold my gift for now...
As I watch her and Amanda talk, I can't help but consider how much these women have been through in recent months, and how much they will both miss the man who was so nearly taken from them in fate's latest cruelty.
My thoughts gladly switch to happier things as we all stand to toast Noah's adoption, to toast the final, legal acknowledgment of what we have known for a year, he is Liv's son. As Fin raises a glass, leading us in a toast 'To family...' I am reminded how the man of few words, has yet again chosen the perfect word.
Family... to her new family with Noah, and to her old family, her work colleagues who will always be there for her, for them, no matter what life may throw at them.
My temporary doubts at my chosen gift immediately dispelled at Fin's unconscious mirroring of its embossed word in his eloquent toast.
The afternoon passes gently into evening in the company of the warm, happy group, all eager to celebrate her joy until little by little they start to drift back into their own lives. Nick leaves first, his injured body still easily tired by the extra effort propelling himself around on the crutches takes, accompanied by Amanda. Next is Carisi, who excuses himself to finish an assignment for law school, which he has gleaned some new ideas for thanks to our 'coincidental' debate about its subject matter.
Not long later, Fin pulls himself from the chair where he had been watching a giggling Noah build brightly colored towers of blocks before gleefully demolishing them with his new dinosaur. He pointedly offers to help tidy up, but nods his approval when I promise not to leave until order is restored to the chaos. With a heartfelt hug for Liv and a playful tickle for Noah he takes his leave.
Liv spends a moment happily staring at her playing son, before flashing me a wide smile and tucking the loose hair behind her ears, picking up discarded glasses and plates and heading for the kitchen.
I immediately retrieve the hidden gift bag calling a curious Noah to me, "Noah, a present for Mama...go give it to Mama".
He looks at the little bag, understanding 'Mama', he toddles off to the kitchen clasping the bag tightly to him in one hand and his own new treasure, his dinosaur in his other hand.
'Mama' I hear his little voice call as he babbles and gurgles whatever else fills his little head.
"What have you got here baby?" I hear Liv asking him.
She throws me a questioning look over the kitchen counter. I shrug as nonchalantly as I can.
She gently pulls the tissue paper wrapped box from the bag, pushing the bag aside as she starts to pull apart the bow holding the crinkling silver layers together, to reveal the little black leather box.
"Rafael..." she whispers, looking to me, as she reaches to open the box.
It clicks familiarly, as the lid locks open allowing her to look at my chosen piece.
She gasps, as her fingers trace the delicate charm.
"Rafael, I don't know what to say...it's beautiful..."
I walk to her, attempting to explain my thinking.
"I noticed you gave yours to Ariel...I thought that maybe you would prefer something different...It's a tree of life..." I lift the box from her hand gently, showing her the word 'family' discretely hidden amongst its boughs and leaves.
I see tears gather in her eyes as turns her back to me, silently urging me to put it on her. I carefully drape it around her neck closing the delicate clasp for her.
She immediately turns to let me see it on her. It is beautiful, its simplicity allowing it to immediately look as though it has always occupied this place. She looks down at it, her hand unconsciously touching it as she had once touched her original 'fearless' pendant...
As a tear frees itself from each eye, she reaches over and puts a hand on my cheek, cupping my face tenderly as she leans in and her lips softly meet mine.
As a little hand grasps her leg, she swoops down to lift her son up to show him her new necklace.
"See, baby?" she asks the curious little boy. He touches the gold pendant babbling excitedly as he waves his dinosaur around.
"How did you know Rafael?" she asks me softly.
I shrug, not knowing how to answer her, not sure how to explain that I saw how much her original one meant to her, but how its replacement never seemed to have the same power. I didn't know how to tell her that when she refused my offer to return it after Lewis' death that I worried it would be forever, too linked with his torture, to ever be of comfort again. How I wanted something that could maybe reflect her new life, something to remind her of Noah...
So I just cupped her face between my hands, tenderly wiping away her tears with my thumbs.
"I hope that it comes to mean something like your original 'fearless'..."
She nods leaning her face into my right hand.
"It already does..." she whispers, kissing my open left palm. "Thank you Rafael. It really is beautiful."
A little voice demanding cake brings us, laughing, back to reality.
"I think you've had enough cake for today Noah..." she says placing the toddler back onto his little legs.
I can't resist sneaking him one last little piece as he giggles delightedly, wobbling off to share his cake with the tightly clasped toy.
She looks at me with one raised eyebrow.
"Busted..." I exclaim, to Noah's back.
"For that little stunt, Counselor, now you have to help me tidy up this mess..."
I sigh in mock exasperation "Plea deal, Sergeant?"
"What did you have in mind, Counselor?" she looks at me questioningly.
"That you have a drink with me when the chaos is resolved..." I ask.
She pushes the bottle of scotch onto the counter in front of me, "I'd like that..."
She starts to tidy the mayhem of the living room, removing Noah gently from the discarded brightly colored wrapping paper that was threatening to envelop him as his dinosaur made its presence known, smashing through bricks.
She stood back with a handful of crinkled gift wrapping, smiling as she watched her son happily playing, her hand reaching to her neck to her necklace, grasping it between her thumb and forefinger, her thumb lightly tracing it's raised symbol, her smile widening at its new but yet somehow familiar feel.