I wake up to an early sunrise. The air from my open window cascades over my slightly sweaty forehead and knotted hair. Gazing out into the sunrise, I take a breath in. I am nothing; I am everything.
I am late.
Sitting up in my bed, I smooth the red blanket carelessly. I am supposed to make it every morning. I never get that far, though, because I sleep too late.
Every morning my faction is supposed to get up and work on the crops within our territory. My father is probably awake already and, as usual, is prepared to scold me for my lack of respect towards others. We aren't the Abnegation, though: he is more worried about creating strife with our faction's leader than disrespecting someone else.
I sigh and brush my hair away from my shoulders. It is cut right above them so it sticks to the frame of my face but doesn't look long and elegant. If it were darker it would look mature and thoughtful, and if it were lighter it would look pretty, setting off my blue eyes to make them look bright instead of dull. However, my hair is brown and average, so it is not particularly noticeable.
Usually I don't have to wake up early but today it is my father's turn to water the garden early and I have to get ready before school.
School. Today is the day of our aptitude tests.
I swallow hard and force the apprehension down my throat. It is unrealistic to be nervous because the test will tell me what to do. I don't know why I feel so worried about it.
"Olivia!" I hear my father call, and I start to get out of bed. I force the fear out of my head and start to get ready as fast as I can.
I pick up the bundle of clothes at the end of my bed. The red shirt is a little too small for me and my jeans are a little too big. I don't complain, though. Complaints can lead to fighting and the Amity look down on fighting.
"You're going to make me late," my father scolds as I slide into the kitchen.
"Sorry, father," I say. He smiles and kisses my forehead.
"I'm sure you didn't mean it," he says. "Today are the aptitude tests, then?"
I nod.
"Are you nervous?" he questions.
I shrug.
"Of course you aren't," he grins. "You aren't scared of anything."
That worries me. Amity are not particularly scared but we are not particularly fearless, either. We are polite, we are peaceful, and we are not strung for conflict, which makes us more apt to be scared.
Then again, I don't know much about fear.
"Well, have a nice day, sweetheart," he says, kissing my forehead again before heading out. He is a nurse of sorts at the hospital because he is smart. It is rumored that he transferred from Erudite but I wouldn't dare to ask because that might incite conflict.
Sighing, I wait for Anna to come to breakfast so I can walk to school with her.
Anna is considered my little sister and, consequently, my father's second child, though we are not related by blood. Her parents disappeared when working outside the city on the farms and my father volunteered to take her in. I do not mind.
The blonde dances in and picks up a piece of bread from the table. "Good morning!" she sings, twirling and making a grand gesture to take a single bite from the bread. I smile, be it halfheartedly, and make an attempt to match her mirth, though it does not work. My father blames my mood on 'teenage blues', he calls it, but I am not so sure.
"So," Anna says, her mouth filled to the brim, muffling her words, "today are the aptitude tests."
I nod again, not trusting myself to speak. I have always been quiet.
"Are you scared?"
Is that everyone's immediate reaction?
I shake my head, but I do not look at her.
"I would be scared. They don't even tell you what goes on and you're not allowed to talk about it! It just sounds… scary, you know?" She wrinkles her nose and finishes the piece of bread.
I just shrug, crossing my arms. I am scared, though I don't show it. I pretend that my fear does not exist for the sake of her, because one day Anna will grow up and take the aptitude tests and there is no use for her to get nervous.
She's right, though. No one tells you what to expect of the aptitude tests. But I have reasoned enough and figured that what happens, happens.
If only I could convince my fluttering stomach of that fact.
"Let's go," I say, nodding my head up and signaling Anna to follow me out to catch the bus headed for school.
"But you didn't eat anything!"
I ignore her protest and all but drag her out of the house.
XX
Someone is tapping on my back in the bus. It takes all I have not to snap at the inciter but that is not what I am expected to do.
Instead, I politely turn back and plaster a smile on my lips. "Would you please stop?"
The face that looks back is not an unfamiliar one. I just roll my eyes as my fellow Amity slinks into the seat across from Anna and I and grins in the way he tends to. Kyle Reyes just laughs.
He is blonde and has a mischievous smile. If his nose wasn't crooked he would be particularly attractive. He is still attractive, but no one dares come close to him because of his violent nature.
If there is going to be a faction transfer, it will be him.
"How are you this lovely morning, Olivia?" he asks. "Excited for aptitude tests?"
Why is everyone so worried about those?
I shrug and try to ignore him. He probably isn't worried. Why would he be?
Shaking the nerves out of my hands, I clasp them in my lap and glance at him. "Yeah. It's not like you have a doubt in your mind what you're going to pick, anyway."
I frown. "The tests determine what you pick. No one can be sure."
He just shrugs. Infuriating. "I guess we'll just have to see," he grins.
I don't grin back. I don't like grinning. Grinning is an expression of uncontrollable happiness, not peace. Peace is controlled and serene, not wild and giddy. That is probably why Kyle grins so much.
The bus slams to a stop and Anna climbs over my legs to get out and join her friends. I open my mouth to call after her but instead smirk, gathering my things. Anna and I are different in that respect; she makes friends easily. I am cold and distant.
Perhaps that is why Kyle is the only person considered my friend. We are both unlikable. I'd rather keep it that way, though.
We are opposites. Where I am cold, he is fiery and hot and angry. Where I am distant, he is up-front about everything. But no one else really likes us, so we hang around with each other. Both of us would probably have it any other way.
The second he gets out of the bus a few Candor boys with dark gray jackets smirk at him. He turns and glares at them. They back off. It is only natural; he has a tendency to pick fights. He gets in trouble for it at home, so he bites his figurative tongue there, but at school, no one tells on him.
Who would dare tell on the little brother of the unofficial Amity leader?
I sigh and leave him alone, making my way to the first class of the day. It will be the last time I attend this school. I am determined to make the most of it.
XX
I have always been a good student. My father tells me that I get it from my mother, though I doubt him. Considering he is the smart one in the family and the rumors that he is from Erudite, I probably get it from him.
Then again, I could never fact check it because my mother is gone. She disappeared one day when she was working at the farm outside of the fence. My father says that she started walking and never stopped. All I know was she was beautiful and I look like her – at least, that is what my father says. He's required to say those sorts of things, right? To tell me that I'm beautiful.
It is a good thing that he isn't Candor because they look down on those sorts of things.
The apprehension has tightened my neck and shoulders to a breaking point. My stomach is flipping like a pancake on a skillet and jittering like butterflies. It occurs to me that I haven't ever seen a butterfly. I think I would like that. We've seen them in books. Most girls like them when we read about them, but I never grew out of that stage.
A group of Dauntless brushes past me. We are waiting to be called to the testing rooms and I am incredibly nervous. My red shirt bristles under my constant fidgeting. I look around. Is anyone else as scared as I am? It looks like it. The Abnegation girls are sitting in a corner, talking quietly among themselves. I pity them, in a way. They are restricted and quiet and boring. But there is a beauty to their selfless lifestyle I value.
Then my mind wanders to the Dauntless boys who just passed me. They are dangerous and feisty and full of life. Which faction will I be in? Erudite? Candor? Will I stay in Amity?
The rumbling of a train passing jars me out of my reverence. I blink and realize that the rumbling isn't much of a rumbling – though there is still a train passing – but someone shaking my arm. I glance over and see Kyle shaking me.
"Where'd you go?" he joked, reclining in the chair and running his fingers through his shaggy blonde hair. I shrugged and stared straight ahead, trying to ignore the group of Candor girls staring at Kyle like predators staring at prey.
One of them walks over and took a seat next to him. He raises an eyebrow. "Kyle, right?" she asks, smiling in a manner that seems unusual for a Candor. "I'm Caroline."
"That's great for you," he said, smirking and revealing a set of straight teeth. I remember how he broke his nose: when he was in elementary school he called an older group of Dauntless boys cowards or the equivalent. I don't remember perfectly, but he managed to get some good hits in. They managed to break his nose, though.
"How did your test go?" she asks.
"I haven't taken it yet," he hisses, rolling his eyes.
"I bet you'll get Dauntless," she says, smiling widely to reveal a slight gap between her front teeth. She's pretty aside from that flaw, with thick, light brown hair and dark eyes. "I got Dauntless."
I suppose it makes sense that she came out and said it, but I still frown at the disregard for the rules. You aren't supposed to tell others about your test results.
"And why do I care?" Kyle asks, still smiling. There is something I value about him: his unwavering confidence. I wish I had that.
"Because you're bound to get it too and then we can hook up," she bubbles.
Well, obviously there is still some Candor left in her.
"Come on, Olivia," he says, circling his hand around my wrist and pulling me away from the mass of Amity – and one Candor. He opens his mouth to say something.
He is interrupted by a tiny Abnegation calling both of our names.
XX
For some reason I think about the man leading me to the testing chamber. I think about his entire life. I have never seen him before. He has a weak chin and blonde hair and faltering, watery gray eyes. There is a smattering of stubble covering his chin and jaw unevenly and his gray tee shirt hangs on his skinny shoulders. He looks in his forties, maybe late thirties.
I wonder if he has a family. Does he have a child? What is his job? Do Abnegation have romances? How do they get together if they are supposed to be selfless? What is his wife like?
He frowns at me. Did I really just say that out loud? No, I didn't. That would be impossible. I still sigh, relieved.
Chuckling, he shrugs. "It's normal for you to be nervous," he says. "What's wrong? Olivia, is it?"
I nod. "Is the test difficult?" I question.
He shakes his head. "It's not that type of test." He smiles. "My son is taking this test, actually." His face turns red and he bows his head, opening the door for me and allowing me to enter first. "I apologize. That was selfish to say."
So he is married and he has a child. "Do you have other children?" I ask, almost involuntarily.
"It is not my place to say," he says, still abashed from the first outburst. "Have a seat."
I obey and conform to the surface of it, trying to ignore the sweat beading under my scalp. I am scared. I don't want to be scared but I am.
"The test… tells you what faction you belong in, right?" I ask, uncertain.
The man smiles. "Does it?" he asks.
I sigh. The Abnegation don't care about lying as long as it is not self-indulgent.
"Does it?" I ask him back.
"If you say so."
I sigh and he attaches electrodes to my temple. "Drink this," he says, and I take the vial of liquid and down it like a shot of alcohol.
XX
My dad let me drink wine sometimes at the dinner table when it was served. I never really liked the taste. The serum wasn't wine, though. It wasn't alcoholic.
A table is set in front of me with harsh lights coming in from over head. I glance at it and notice a hunk of cheese on one side and a knife on the other.
"Choose," a chilling voice says. I glance upwards, refusing to talk and refusing to choose. Why should I? It doesn't make any sense to choose between these two objects. Instead I cross my arms and fall into a sulking silence, staring down the cheese and the knife.
The voice repeats itself and I dig my feet further into the ground, refusing to choose.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to figure out what to do.
Almost not of my own accord, I reach out and feel the cool, unfamiliar handle of the knife in my palm.
The situation changes and I am faced with a snarling, frightening, gigantic dog. Have I ever seen a dog before? I think I have but not like this. The dogs I would have seen wouldn't be big and scary and –
And coming right at me.
I scream and squeeze my eyes shut again. The dog doesn't fall and my knife doesn't move. Instead it stops where it is and gives me an almost perplexed look, as if it is waiting for me to move. I avert my eyes, opting to shut them again because that made it easier, and fall to my knees.
Feeling its nose on my forehead, my breathing hitches but I steady myself.
Then its nose goes away. I open my eyes and face the creature, the knife still in my hands. That was strange.
I drop the knife, my stomach sinking. How could I have killed the dog? It isn't a terrible beast. Not anymore.
It is still scary, though, so I keep my distance and watch the panting creature from afar.
What was in that liquid the Abnegation told me to drink?
I take a deep breath. Is this it? Was this the test? Am I done?
Nope. A little girl toddles out, her hands poised and her mouth shouting "Doggie!" at the creature. I bite my lip and in a split second react: I launch myself in front of the girl and feel the teeth sink into my chest and neck and I know that I will never be able to look at a bigger dog the same again. And everything goes black.
And then I wake up.