Your name is Dave Strider and you don't understand anything about troll romance.
You'll never admit it, mostly because you don't want Karkat cornering you and lecturing you on it again. You like the guy well enough, but when he gets going on romance he never shuts up. Anyway, you can understand the 'flushed' kind well enough, and 'moirails' don't seem too weird, but you're still a little weirded out by the whole kismesis thing.
Especially when clown-troll corners you in a deserted corner of the meteor. You were wandering around, working on your raps, and you wandered into a place you'd never been before and now you have no idea how to get back. You also have no idea how to get past clown-troll, who's actually sort of just standing there. You wonder if you can walk around him.
You try, and his hand flies out faster than you thought possible and shoves you back against the wall. You're fast, but damn, this guy is too.
"Calm the fuck down, Pennywise," you say. He probably has no idea what you're talking about, unless they have a Troll Tim Curry who played Troll Pennywise in Troll Stephen King's IT, but he gets offended anyway. At least he looks offended, probably. You really can't be sure under all that clown makeup.
"I motherfucking hate you, brother," he says, grinning a grin that further enforces the Pennywise thing. He takes a step toward you, and you take a shaky step back. He's really starting to scare you. "I motherfucking hate you so motherfucking much."
With every word, he gets closer to you and you try to press yourself further into the wall. Unfortunately, the wall does not fall open, throwing you into Can Town, maybe, or one of Rose and Kanaya's dates.
He's practically on top of you now, his hands on either side of your head, staring at you with an expression of hate that even the stupid juggalo makeup can't cover up. You wonder if you can knee him in the balls and escape that way. Do trolls have balls? Is it sensitive down there? Why the hell are you thinking about troll genitalia?
You decide to go for it, but he's fast enough to dodge. He's not fast enough to catch your leg, though he tries. "Kind of slow there," you say, and he grabs onto your hair, pushing you harder against the wall and yanking your head back. Okay. Ouch. Okay, your neck was not meant to bend that way. You grab onto his wrist and try and force his hand away, but you've always been more trained in speed than strength and you can't budge it. His other hand grabs onto your throat and suddenly you can't breathe, let alone tell him how goddam slow he is. You're preoccupied by choking for a little bit before he kisses you full on the mouth. Yep. This guy's not wasting any time.
His grip on your throat slackens and you manage to push your way out of it, ramming your shoulder into his chest and knocking him back a few paces. "Seriously dude, give a guy some space," you say. "I know you want to kill children and feed on their remains or whatever, but fuck, what the hell was that?"
There's something in his eyes that make you want to run away, possibly screaming for your life. You decide to omit the screaming part and just run.
You're a pretty fast guy. Sure, you could never beat your bro, but you like to think that you could last more than five seconds. Juggalo doesn't even blink. He just tackles you from behind, sending you both skidding across the floor, scraping up your face pretty badly. You swear and he laughs, adjusting himself so that he's sitting on your back, knees pushing painfully into your sides. Damn, he's heavy. A lot heavier than he looks – sure, he's like half a foot taller than you, plus the horns, but he looked skinny. He must just wear oversized clothes.
He bends down and bites your neck like a fucking vampire, drawing blood easily with those fangs. You wriggle, trying to push yourself off of the floor and sending an elbow up toward his face. You make contact and he hisses, grabbing your arm and twisting it back. You grit your teeth and look around for anything that you can use to escape. The troll balls idea is out, because you're not sure you could reach is crotch if you wanted to. Something's wiggling around in there, up against your back and it's sort of freaking you out.
As if anything could freak you out more than this situation. You wouldn't be surprised if a shitload of smuppets burst from the ceiling. Actually, you'd be more surprised if that didn't happen. It's not like your day could get any worse.
"Do you get it now, motherfucker?" he hisses in your ear. You wince. He twists your arm further back and you wonder how far it'll go before it breaks. "I motherfucking hate you."
"No, I don't get it," you say, and your voice is a little high. You try to pretend that it's because it's changing, but you've already gone through that. "Why don't we go get Karkat and he can explain it for us?"
He laughs, a dark, creepy little chuckle that sends shivers down your spine, which is still being crushed, by the way. That didn't stop being a thing that was happening or anything. "I think we'll be fine," he said. "Miracles are going to happen here, motherfucker."
You squeak a little as he flips you over onto your back, but at least he let go of your arm and at least his full weight's not on top of you now. The only downside is the fact that he's trying to kiss you. You put up your hands, shoving his face away and trying to go for the eyes. "Did your motherfucking Pennywise do this?" he asks, and he goes for another kiss, his fingers digging into your shoulders.
"Nah, he was more of a lure children in with the clown outfit and then turn into a monstrous fanged thing and eat them," you say, panting. He eventually gets fed up with your antics and uses his hands to pin yours down, kissing you and holy fuck you think you understand why someone would have a kismesis.
You kiss the clown back, fighting to get at least one of your hands free. He seems a little surprised at your enthusiasm and lessens his grip. You manage to get both of your hands free and pull on his horns, pulling him down and kneeing him in the stomach. He crumples and you shove him off of you, sitting up and panting. Fuck. Holy. Jesus. You're not quite sure exactly what you're doing, but you are sure that you want to keep going on this.
You lunge for him and push him onto the floor, kissing him hard, biting down on his lower lip like you'd bite down on a cookie or something. He digs his fingers into your side, claws ripping open your skin and causing you to bite down harder. You taste blood. You taste a lot of blood. You move away and spit it out. Purple. His mouth is purple and his hands are red with your blood and he's grinning, he's grinning and you want to wipe that stupid fucking grin off of his stupid fucking face and he's pulling your god tier pajamas off and you're ripping open his shirt and he's biting down hard on your collarbone and you shriek, because it hurts but it also feels good, it feels really good and you're so turned on right now and you need to do something to him.
You don't have the chance. He looks up at you, grinning, your red blood mixing with his purple in his mouth. "Finally got my motherfucking strawberry jam," he says, and he shoves you off of him and disappears. Like, seriously. You have no idea where that motherfucking clown went.
You sit there for a few seconds, trying to catch your breath.
Well. At least you understand troll romance now.
fun fact this is like the only blackrom i actively ship and i have no idea how to write either of these characters
also i basically only wrote this so that i could make dave say calm the fuck down pennywise to gamzee i've always wanted that to happen i debated roleplaying as dave just for that but fanfiction's just as good