Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they are the property of their creators, nor am I seeking to make a profit from this. I do not own Cough Syrup by Young the Giant, either. I just love it to pieces.

Part 1 of 4

Life's too short to even care at all oh
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control
These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh oh oh oh oh
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum, oh

If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down

And so I run to the things they said could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down

Kili stood in the train's tiny bathroom, his hands braced against the small sink. He stared into his own eyes, and thought that he could never get over just how tiny his pupils got when he was high. His brown irises were enormous, and he thought he could see into his own soul. He slowly blinked and every time he opened his eyes he was fascinated all over again. He smiled sluggishly.

A thought swam up through his cloudy mind, and he pulled out his phone to check the time. He thought the train would arrive in Dale at four, but he couldn't quite remember. Either way it was only two o'clock now so he had time. He closed his eyes again. A tiny part of him was yelling that he needed to come down and clean his face up before he saw Fili, because his brother was sure to notice – but the majority of him was flying high and couldn't care less what Fili and the rest of their family thought.

He opened his eyes.

He frowned slightly.

He did care what his family thought. He cared more than anything. That's why he did this hit, so he could make it through the week without it. His frown deepened as he stared at his pinpoint pupils – he didn't want to hurt his family.

But he didn't want to stop either. He had control over his using, and he wasn't about to lose control. He'd been on drugs for as long as he could remember, he knew how to control it, and he knew what he could and couldn't take. Plus heroin controlled his ADHD better than Ritalin or Adderall ever did.

He turned, grabbed his backpack and swung it onto his shoulder to trudge back to his window seat. He wrapped his arms around his backpack, put his head back and closed his eyes.

He didn't sleep. For a while he just floated on a cloud of high, his brain moving sluggishly, day dreaming in slow motion. He could just barely feel a smile on his face.

He must have fallen asleep as he came down, because he awoke as the train started to slow. He opened his eyes, blinked several times and rubbed them. He hoped he just looked tired. He usually did.

Now that the high was gone he felt a dull excitement growing, and it quietly mixed with unease. He knew Fili would notice something was off with him, but he desperately hoped he could pass it off as just being stressed at school. He hadn't seen Fili since he left the previous summer, and he was extremely excited to be reunited with his favorite and only brother. He had been terrified to leave home and family. And that terror hadn't really abated – he just numbed it down.

Eventually the train completely stopped, and out the window he could see his brother's blond dreadlocks out of the small crowd of people waiting for family members. He smiled the first genuine smile he'd had sober in a while.

Fili turned the page slowly, not really paying attention to the book. It was something his cousin Bofur had given him the last time they had seen each other, and he thought that with the family reunion coming up he should probably read it before he gave it back. But he was too excited. Today he would be reunited with his baby brother for the first time in almost a year.

Fili was four years older than Kili, and both had graduations that last summer – Kili from high school, and Fili from college. Their mother, Dis, had been so proud of both of them. For a while it had seemed that Kili would not graduate on time, his ADHD getting in the way of his studying and medication only went so far.

Fili had had a fairly easy time, both in high school and college and he graduated with honors and a degree in sports medicine with the plan to go to medical school after his year-long internship. Kili was still undeclared, but Fili had no doubt that he would figure out what he wanted to do eventually. He was still in his freshman year at Mirkwood University. Fili smiled when he thought back on his own years at MU, but jumped slightly as the train's whistle brought him back to the present.

Fili closed the book and put it on the bench next to him. He had driven down from upstate where he was interning with Rivendell Sports Club. He had gotten the job almost immediately after graduation – gods be praised – and so far it had been fantastic for him.

He picked up his bag and his phone, sending Kili a short text letting him know where he is when he gets off the train. He frowned slightly when after five minutes he didn't get a response – Kili is usually extremely good at replying to texts, especially Fili's. But a few minutes later he spotted his younger brother's long brown hair, styled in the same way as usual: half of it tied in the back. He wore his worn denim jacket that he'd had since Fili grew out of it and gave it to him, and his Rivendell Elks shirt that Fili had gotten him when he got his job. He had a little more stubble than he had the last time Fili had seen him, but he looked as energetic as he always did. He'd been on Ritalin for almost as long as Fili could remember – it being the only thing that could really control his ADHD and get him to concentrate on anything longer than a few minutes. They had even been homeschooled through elementary school; Kili because he wouldn't do well in regular school and Fili because it was easy, until middle school when Fili had begged to be able to go to a regular school.

"Hey little brother!" Fili called when his brother was closer. Kili's answering smile wiped away any doubts that he was feeling and he practically fell into Fili's arms.

"Hey, Fili." He wrapped his arms around Fili's waist and held him close. "I missed you so much," he mumbled into his brother's neck. After a minute Fili pulled back and put his hands on his brother's – thinner than he remembered – shoulders and smiled.

"I missed you too Kili. You look. . . older!" He only hesitated a fraction of a second, but he couldn't in good conscience tell his brother that he looked good – there were dark circles under his eyes, and he was much thinner than looked healthy. He forced a smile on his face, and clapped Kili's shoulder. "Let's go." He picked up Kili's duffel bag and together they walked back to Fili's car.

"How was the train ride?" he asked, putting Kili's duffel in the back seat next to his own. Kili pulled the passenger side door open and slipped in. When Fili sat down in the driver's seat Kili looked over and started an animated recount of his five-hour train ride from Mirkwood.

"I swear, I thought that woman was going to give birth right on the train. Then I went to sleep," he concluded, taking a deep breath.

"Sounds like an eventful ride!" Fili laughed as he glanced over at Kili, who was staring out the window. Kili looked over and nodded matter-of-factly. He looked tired.

"Is everyone already at the lake house?" Kili asked looking back out the window. Every five years Balin, the effective patriarch (in the way that he was the oldest of their relatives) of their ever-growing family called a family reunion. For as long as Fili could remember they had gone for one week to Balin's lake house with the entirety of their family to meet and simply relax. Usually it was during the summer, but this year he had decided that have it during Kili's spring break because they could all tell that the boy was struggling. The soccer team had been traveling for most of Christmas break, so Fili had missed Kili's visit home, but their mother had told him that Kili had just been all around quieter than usual – and when Kili wasn't talking everyone knew that something was wrong.

Fili glanced over once again out of the corner of his eye, and Kili looked physically well to him – he was still bouncing his knee up and down as he had done for as long as he could remember. That little show of energy was almost always how Fili gauged if Kili was alright or not, if he was twitching as much as he usually did.

"I don't know. I haven't been there yet, I drove up from Rivendell this morning and came straight here."

"How's that job going?"

"It's going great! The team is pretty rowdy all the time, so Éowyn and I are always busy. There's one player – one of the owner's sons actually – Legolas that is always hurting himself. Poor Éowyn has her hands full with that one."

"Do you think they'll hire you full time? Do you even want to keep working with them?"

Fili thought about it for a few moments – but he nodded. "I really like working with them. Elrond and Thranduil are good people to work for, and Éowyn loves me," he glanced over at Kili who had a smile on his face as he rolled his eyes.

"Ever humble, brother."

"Of course. But after medical school I think I will want to move onto bigger things, maybe travel some more. But this is a good experience for now. How's school? Tell me all about it!" He and Kili had skyped a few times, and they texted all the time but mostly it was just Fili telling Kili about his work. When Kili wasn't forthcoming with his answer Fili looked over and saw him still staring out the window. "Kili?" he prompted, and he jumped slightly, looking over at Fili.

"What?"

"Did you hear anything I just said?" he asked, his voice mock serious. He sobered up when Kili's eyes widened as if he had thought Fili was seriously angry with him. "I just asked how school is," he said, smiling and out of the corner of his eye he saw Kili visibly relax. "I loved being there, the campus is amazing, isn't it?" Mirkwood University was situated in the middle of an immense forest with a huge river running right through it.

"It is gorgeous," Kili said. He didn't sound very enthusiastic about it, but Fili hadn't really been happy at MU until his second year, when he had really made friends and settled in.

"Made any friends?" he asked, hesitantly. He hoped that his brother would finally be able to open up and make friends that weren't their family. It had always been harder for Kili because he's a lot to handle.

"I hope Bombur makes that BBQ pork thing that he made last time, that was so good!" Kili said.

Fili didn't miss the fact that Kili avoided his question, but he didn't push it. They drove the next twenty minutes in silence before Kili asked more about the team and Fili talked for the rest of the hour and a half drive from the train station in Dale, through Erebor and to Balin's lake house just outside of town and around the enormous lake that sat outside the town.

He told him all about the co-captains, Legolas and Aragorn, and their jealous teammate Boromir who thought he could do a better job at captain. At times Fili thought it was a bit nepotistic, because Elrond is Aragorn's father-in-law and Thranduil is Legolas' father. But at the same time, those two were the best players on the team. As a whole they were a modest success, they had an average of more wins than losses, and they won the state competition a few times in the past, and they even made it to nationals once.

Fili was becoming quite good friends with two of the players in their free time. Both Merry and Pippin reminded him of Kili, full of energy and always joking.

"So you're already replacing me, eh?" Kili said, raising one eyebrow. Fili could tell that he was trying to sound joking, but there was an undercurrent of bitterness in his tone.

Fili smiled, and reached out to clap his brother on his - extremely bony - shoulder.

"Don't worry little brother, no one could replace you."

"I don't know whether that's a compliment or an insult." Fili just laughed.

The last twenty minutes of their trip passed with Kili finally turning on the radio and singing along to every song. Musicality ran in their family, but Kili was not one of the better singers of the group. Nevertheless Fili enjoyed hearing his brother's slightly off-pitch singing, and sang along when he knew the words.

"Is Bofur still singing at that pub?" Kili asked suddenly. Their cousin had gotten many gigs over the years singing at The Forge, arguably Erebor's best pub.

"Yeah, I think so. A big wig from somewhere heard him and wanted him to do a CD, so now that's out. It's just his usual folky type songs, but it's fairly popular! Though I'm sure half the profit is just Bifur and Bombur buying them all so that the stores would run out and Bofur wouldn't be disappointed if they didn't sell."

"Seems counter-intuitive."

"Well, it is Bifur and Bombur. They should just stick to food." Bofur's brother and cousin owned a restaurant/bakery that was a huge success in Erebor. They weren't so good with the books, but that is where Ori, the youngest of their cousins, came in. Only a few years out of Erebor College with his business degree still hot off the presses he was a huge help to his cousins.

Ori's brothers, Dori and Nori also worked at the restaurant, Dori managed the floor and the rest of the underlings and Nori helped cook in the back. All of them were worried about leaving it in the hands of their managers for a week while they were on vacation with the rest of the family - but no one missed their reunion.

Finally they saw the lake house, and both smiled. "Looks just as it did last time," Kili said, a touch of nostalgia in his voice.

"It's only been five years!"

"Yes but a lot can happen in five years! A lot can happen in a few months..." he added under his breath. Fili frowned but chose not to comment on it.

"Well, whatever they cook I'm going to stuff it down your throat. You're skin and bones."

"Dorm food sucks..." he mumbled.

"Any food sucks compared to Bifur and Bombur's cooking." They laughed.

Fili slowed as he pulled into the long driveway, and after a few minutes they stopped. Fili parked and turned the car off, hopping out with a smile on his face. He saw their family quite often, but rarely ever were they all together in one place outside these reunions. He got his duffel bag out of the back seat and tossed Kili his.

He looked at Kili, grinning and Kili looked right back. Then they both yelled at the top of their lungs. The front door slammed open and Bofur ran out, alarm on his face.

"Hey!" Fili and Kili yelled together. Bofur smiled and shook his head.

"The lads are here!" he yelled back inside, and stepped forward. "How are you! Come here!"

"Hey Bofur," Kili said getting to their cousin first and giving him a hug.

"What the hell?" he said, pulling back. "Boy you'd better get your bum inside and go eat. You're nothing but a bag of bones!" Kili shook his head and pulled back to head inside, muttering again about nasty dorm food.

"Hello, Bofur," Fili said fondly as he embraced his cousin. "How have you been?"

"Absolutely great! How about you?" Bofur clapped him on the back and pulled back, his arm still around Fili's shoulders.

"I'm awesome – life has been good." Together they walked inside chatting amicably about the upcoming week.

Fili broke apart from Bofur in the foyer and went upstairs to put his stuff in the room that he usually shared with Kili. It was the dusty old attic room that none of them wanted, but Fili and Kili didn't mind. The house was enormous - more than big enough to fit Balin's sprawling family of more than 13 people. When he got up the sturdy wooden steps leading to the attic he saw Kili sitting on one of the two twin beds with his head in his hands.

"Kili, you alright?" Fili asked, trying not to sound too alarmed and scare him. Kili was notorious in their family for always brushing off his hurts. Once when he was ten he broke his arm and no one knew until the next day when it had swollen about twice the size as normal. He just hadn't said anything about it.

Kili jerked his head up, eyes wide. He ran a hand through his hair, effectively messing up his half ponytail. "I'm fine," he said, jerking the tie out and pulling all of his hair back into an extremely messy ponytail. Fili finished going up the steps and putting his bag on the other bed. He could hear Kili grumbling about his hair, and he laughed.

"Why don't you just cut it off if it's too much trouble? Or you could just dread it like I did. I could help you!" Fili said, smiling encouragingly. Kili laughed.

"I'm pretty sure that mum can only handle one person with dreadlocks in this family. She already flipped when you came home for Christmas your freshman year and had started them."

"She grew to love them."

"Tolerate them."

Fili shook his head and pulled his jacket off. "Whatever you say, Kili. Come on let's go downstairs and say hello to everyone else." Kili took off his own jacket, fixed his hair again and stood to follow his brother downstairs.

When they got downstairs Fili burst through the swinging wooden doors into the kitchen, Kili following close behind. "Hey, family!" Fili called, heading straight to the large island in the middle of the kitchen. It looked like they were the last to arrive; Balin's sizeable kitchen, dining room, and family room were full of people. Bombur, Oin, Dori, and Balin were in the kitchen; Gloin, Bofur, Bifur, and Nori were sat at the kitchen table playing cards; Ori was at the couch in the living room holding Gloin's son, Gimli, who was only eight months old. He looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows that displayed the sprawling backyard that was covered in huge evergreens that showed just a peek of the lake beyond. He saw Thorin and Dwalin at the grill; Dwalin was wielding a pair of the biggest tongs that Fili had ever seen (currently flipping over one of the biggest hunks of meat that Fili had ever seen), and Thorin had a beer in his hands. Fili smiled, he hadn't seen his mother's brother in quite some time and had missed him a lot. Thorin was there throughout their childhood, acting as a father figure since their father died at war when they were very young. Sometimes Fili was sad that he didn't remember their father (and if he didn't then Kili certainly didn't), but other times he was sure that his father would have been happy with the way that Thorin stepped in to become their pseudo-father.

"Hello Fili, my boy!" Balin called, putting down his stein and going over to give Fili a hug. "How have you been?"

"I've been great! Glad to see everyone made it this year!"

"All except your mum, she won't be able to make it until Wednesday at the latest. Maybe Tuesday, she said. "

"Why's that?" Fili frowned – above all he was most excited to see his mother for the first time in almost a year.

"She was held up at work – the business is growing by the day and Dis and Thorin haven't been able to hire any more employees yet so she's stuck for now."

"That's unfortunate." Balin nodded solemnly with him and clapped him on the back.

"What on earth is that rascal of a brother of yours doing?" Balin said suddenly, and Fili turned to look towards the couch where Kili was bent double over the couch.

"He's making faces at the baby," Ori called, turning to look over at them. Kili stood up straight and turned, smiling widely.

"Hello Balin!" he came over and went through the same greeting that Fili had gone through. Fili went over to the table, clasping hands with each of his cousins and uncles at the table, and then went to say hello to those in the kitchen. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face – every now and then the chaos of the soccer team got to be enough that it reminded him of home, but nothing beat when they all could actually get together. It was loud, and bustling, and Fili absolutely loved it.

"Gloin where's Gimli's mama?" Kili called from back over on the couch.

"She and her sister decided to take this week as a girls' week," he called back, briefly glancing up from the card game. "Fortunately for me, Ori volunteered to watch the little bugger!"

Fili laughed and went to say hello to his youngest cousin before going outside behind Kili to greet Dwalin and Thorin. Both boys said greeted their favorite uncle and hugged him. Thorin smiled fondly at both as he asked how they had been in the few months since he'd seen them last.

"How are you doing all the way in Mirkwood?" he asked Kili, knowing exactly how hesitant he had been in leaving home.

"It's been alright," Kili said non-committedly.

"I hope you boys are hungry!" Dwalin said clapping Fili on the shoulder as he looked at the array of meats cooking on the grill. "You especially Kili!"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" he despaired, sitting down on a lawn chair right next to the grill. Fili sat next to his brother and put his arm around his shoulders.

"It's because you've become scrawny, little brother. Everyone gets the Freshman Fifteen, but usually people gain fifteen pounds, not lose it! And don't say anything about nasty dorm food, I was there for four years and it is not that bad." Fili smiled at his brother, but was slightly off-put by his brother's extreme scowl. "I'm only joking, Kili. Come on, let's go see if they need any help in the kitchen."

"Could you boys take this with you?" Dwalin handed them a huge platter with all of the cooked meat so far piled high on it. Fili took it, nearly dropping it as it was heavier than he expected. "Careful boy!"

"Kili could you get the door?" Fili grunted, slowly taking the platter to the sliding glass door.

An hour later they were all seated around the grand round dinner table that took up most of Balin's dining room area. Fili sat in between Ori and Kili, and couldn't help but think that there was nowhere he would rather be at that moment.

And yet, as he looked around at everyone's heaping platefuls – his including – and then at the measly amount of food on Kili's plate he couldn't help but feel something was incredibly wrong with his younger brother. Kili never missed out on an opportunity to eat – the boy's metabolism was faster than a hawk flies, and he was always hungry. And despite the fact that he was the only minor – besides baby Gimli – he was always allowed to drink at Balin's reunions, even at the previous one when he was only fourteen. However, this time he had water in front of him, and it seemed like that was the only thing he would touch. But Kili was smiling, and laughing along with the rest of the family. Maybe he's just changed. . . Fili thought, and he didn't know which thought scared him more – Kili changing, or something being wrong with him.

Suddenly Fili was smacked in the face with a chunk of steak. He started, and shook his head, looking down at the steak chunk on his plate. The table had gone silent for a moment, and then Fili looked up. Bofur was the first to start laughing and soon everyone was joining in – even baby Gimli was squealing from his high chair next to Gloin.

"What was that for?" Fili said when it died down. He picked it up and popped it in his mouth, washing it down with a gulp of his beer.

"You looked like you were a mile away so I thought I'd bring you back," Bofur said. Before he knew it Fili had thrown a chunk of his own steak at Bofur, and he sat back satisfied when it hit him square in the forehead. A lot more food flew after that, but eventually it all got eaten – none of them were ones to waste any food. After an hour at the table they were all sat back, rubbing their stomachs and proclaiming how full they were.

Everyone except Kili. He got up and excused himself to go to the restroom while everyone was talking their lazy after-dinner chitchat – mostly family gossip. Normally Kili loved this part, listening to the gossip, and learning new things about his huge family and what went on where he couldn't be. Fili furrowed his brow when Kili wasn't back after fifteen minutes, and excused himself to go check on him.

He went to the downstairs bathrooms first, and when he wasn't in either he checked the two upstairs bathrooms, and Kili wasn't in either of those. Frowning he went to the wooden steps that led to their attic bedroom. He ascended the stairs, and Kili was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands, elbows on his skinny legs.

Kili tried to eat dinner. He really did. He just felt sick. He never wanted to eat after a hit, and even though it had been several hours since he did it he still felt off. And he knew he would until he went to sleep.

When did it get so loud? He looked up, from his half full plate, grabbed his water and took a few gulps. He looked around the table, smiling – for show. He laughed, actually laughed, with everyone else when Bofur threw steak at Fili's face. And joined in with the rest of his family when more food started flying – mostly to get it off his own plate – and by the end of the hour actually managed to eat a few bites.

But once it settled down he realized that his slight headache he'd had since they got inside had turned into a pounding in his head that made his stomach churn. Everyone had settled in for a long after dinner talk, and Kili needed to get away. He excused himself, stood, and went straight out the wooden swinging doors to the entryway and up the stairs. He walked slowly, and once he was finally up the second set of stairs he sat heavily on the bed, his head falling into his hands.

This is going to be a long week. . . he thought. I need to get it together if I'm going to make it until Sunday. He had never wanted to be at school more than he did at that moment.

He groaned. It felt as if he were being pulled in two, the one part that wanted to be at school – high – was arguing with the part that was happy to be home, with his brother, uncles and cousins. He didn't know which would win but he hoped they would stop soon.

"Kili what's wrong?" he said, slightly alarmed. This was the second time in one day that Fili had found his brother in this position, and it was frightening. He flipped the light on and went to sit next to him.

Kili dropped one of his arms, looking over at Fili, his eyes half closed as if the lights bothered him. "I just have a headache – I'm just not used to the noise of our family anymore," he said, rubbing his forehead. Fili wasn't convinced.

"Are you sure? You barely ate anything downstairs. . ."

"Are you worried that I'm anorexic or something now?" Kili said, offended.

"No!" Fili said, trying not to sound accusatory. "I'm just saying, you usually eat just as much as the rest of us – if not more."

"I'm just not that hungry today!" He yelled, suddenly angry. Fili blinked. Kili stood and walked a few steps away and turned around to face his brother again. "I'm sorry. It's just been a long day."

"I'm just... Really tired," Kili repeated. He wrapped his arms around his waist. It was a bit chilly in their room - Fili made a note to turn the heat up a little. It was cold almost year round in Erebor.

Why won't he tell me what's wrong? Fili thought. But he made up his mind that if anything were really wrong Kili would tell him - they'd never kept secrets from each other and Fili sure hoped that they weren't about to start now.

"Okay," he said standing up. "Good night, then." He stepped over to his younger brother and kissed his forehead like he used to do when they were children. He kept his hand on the back of Kili's head, and looked into his eyes. They were red. "Remember that you can always talk to me."

Kili nodded, and when he smiled Fili pretended not to notice that it didn't reach his eyes.

Fili went back downstairs and wasn't surprised at all to see that everyone was still at the table; even baby Gimli - though he was passed out face down on Gloin's broad chest.

They had brought out dessert: three different fruit tarts. Fili dove in just in time to snag the last piece of apple tart before Bombur could take it (and it would have been his fourth piece).

"Stop eating so much sweets," Fili said to him as he sat down, eating the tart like a piece of pizza. "You're going to have a heart attack."

"Oh shut up, I'm not that old. I'm only six years older than you are!"

"Yes but you could fit four of me in you!" A few others chuckled at that. Bombur stopped for a moment, and them nodded, conceding the point.

"Where's Kili gone off to?" Thorin asked, his deep voice cutting in to their chuckling.

"He said he's tired, long day of travel and all."

"Since when is that boy tired!" Dwalin grunted around the bite of blueberry tart in his mouth.

"Now that you mention it, he did seen a little slower than usual at Christmas," Ori said quietly, his brow slightly furrowed.

"I'm sure it's just the stress of his first year at school. He's still trying to figure out what to major in, what classes to take, what to do to get involved. MU's a big school, I was overwhelmed when I was there. Of course Kili's going to be. He's never really had to be on his own." Fili took a big bite of his tart, trying to mask the sudden emotion he was feeling.

"I'm sure he's doing fine, laddie," Balin said, patting his back from over the gap of Kili's empty chair.

Please review! This story has been my baby for the past three weeks, so please let me know what you think! And if you have any questions please ask them in a review (and please sign in, I don't like answering reviews in the beginning of the next chapter, it's tacky) or a PM.