Chapter one: unkissed

Sirius

There were about one hundred seats. About ten round tables spread across the ballroom. And the only person sitting was Regulus, dumbly watching dancing couples and chatting professors in the background.

"You haven't had to come," Sirius said and sipped his punch.

The music was a mixture of festive and dancing. The perfect match.

"Right."

They weren't much the talking type.

Regulus was bored but refused to do anything but stare at the squirming people. There was something calming in it. He wished he could do the same. He watched this guy Figgy dancing like a maniac. It didn't look so hard.

"Mother is sending me to the Lestrange house tomorrow," Sirius said in completely different voice. Regulus looked up.

"Why?"

There was a sight of disgust in Sirius's pupils, but it disappeared when he winked.

"She wants me to get to know Rudolphus's cousin."

There wasn't much to add.

"Can I go with you?"

Sirius glanced at him, amused and soften. Then he looked away and hide his love behind his mask again.

There wasn't much to add.

"I hope she let you visit sometimes."

To be absolutely honest, Sirius knew she won't let him visit. If it was up to her only, she would separate the two brothers by the equator and several oceans.

"You have a stain on your shirt," Regulus pointed out.

Sirius felt his ears getting red as he brushed crumbs from his outfit. This was unacceptable.

"Thanks," he whispered.

Regulus smiled and chuckled. He didn't understand why he had to be like this. Why even here in Hogwarts Sirius had to be like he would be watched all the time. This was actually the last time for his possible rebellion. Regulus just didn't get it.

"You don't want to dance?" he asked.

Sirius looked at the dancing students, panting sweating and laughing. He wanted. He wanted very much.

"No."

They were enjoying their last moments in Hogwarts. Their last moments among all their friends. Sirius felt his chest tighten but he knew how to control himself. He inhaled, exhaled. He was happy here. He was home here. He made friends here… even though they didn't know of being one.

He didn't want to go back. He didn't want to go back so very much.

He felt eyes on him. McKinnon. Marlene. She was whispering to that brunet boy. Lupin. Remus. That was his name. He was looking at him with rage and loath. Sirius looked away. He knew exactly what they were talking about.

Yesterday, they'd been talking in the Great Hall. Marlene and him. Sirius hadn't known why she'd wanted to spend all her lunch break with their conversation.

He'd liked her. She'd been nice to him, funny and let him say some jokes either. They'd been spending some more time together this last year. She used to pull his sleeve and smile with perfect teeth. Really… like, how anyone teeth could be that perfect? He hadn't known the charming spells back then.

Last month he'd understood the direction of their relationship. He'd thought she was clever. He'd started to avoid her. How could she think they could be together?

Yesterday, she'd cornered him, trying to explain her feelings more visibly. In the end of their conversation, she'd started to seem desperate and with that look she'd pushed him to the near corridor and kissed him.

He'd been so angry.

He'd almost slapped her.

He'd felt his eyes go all watery.

He'd pushed her away and bit his lips to stay quiet and calm. He knew how to control himself.

She didn't mean any harm. She didn't mean any harm.

But it had been so different. Everybody had always been taking what they had wanted from him.

"Leave me alone!"

He was abused. He was mistreated. But he was also virgin. He was unkissed.

No-one had ever kissed him. Even Regulus was strictly in the distance of hugs and pats.

He was slightly aware of his coming marriage, but he had no intentions of going so far.

That was something he had held very tightly. He had problems with intimacy. He was uneasy to be touched. He planned to stay in this untouched state for the rest of his life. And now it was gone. In the hands of Marlene McKinnon.

He'd been stupid, really, to thought so.

"Are you all right?" Regulus asked, pulling down his middle finger. Sirius almost smiled.

"Sure," he nodded.

He looked up at the two of them across the Great hall. They weren't looking at him anymore. He knew Marlene was offended and hurt, but he knew they weren't thinking about him anymore. They were thinking about the Blacks being the Blacks and nothing more.

He knew because he saw the smirks and knowing looks. He recognised them very well. He had learned them the very first month in the first year when everyone in the Gryffindor Tower had started to avoid his eyes and smile instead of an answer.

He looked better than them. He dressed better than them. He talked better than them.

He used to wear just one jumper and one shirt until it was unbearable. Just because he had wanted to fit in. He had mocked professors' talking to make them laugh, but they had been laughing at him. Causing him detentions and humiliation. His pride had caught him sooner than later. He wasn't going to suffer just because they wanted him to. He had enough of that.

In the end of the second year, he had stopped trying. He had dressed as he ought to. He had ignored them as he had been told. There'd been Regulus… and with him, he'd made small home during breaks and afternoon meetings. And he had never been happier.

/

Remus

He hated him head over heels. His perfect outfit. His perfect face. His perfect walking. His perfect talking. Everything that started with his he hated. He hated his time with Marlene.

She was the only one who cared. She cared about her results, she cared about every professor, she cared about him but she also cared about Black. Who the hell knows why?

Maybe she was still this little girl of age five, who sees her life as a huge dedication to mankind, comforting every broken person she could find. Trying to heal their broken lives like broken wings of a little bird. With bandages and kisses for feeling better.

He hurt her and now she was finally angry. Oh, why. Why wasn't he feeling any better? He should be glad for her to finally understand the wrong. But he couldn't bring himself to be anything else then sorry for her. So he was. And he hated him just a little more.

He remembered when it started. He'd had his suspicions when he'd been in the detentions every week because his pranks had been neither funny nor clever. But it had been in the late November 1972 when his unidentified pity change into hatred:

"Where are you going?" Remus asked in what he hoped was manly voice, but it was no use, mutating and all.

"Somewhere that's called not your business." Sirius Black answered in firm but kind voice. Remus would use the word: gentleman's voice, but Sirius was too mean for this praise.

"You are not supposed to be out at this hour," Remus tried again.

Sirius was waiting at the door, smiling. "And who is going to stop me, you, Remus Lupin?"

"You don't know me. You don't know what I am capable of." Remus stood his ground. Ready to fight for what he seemed was right.

"Well, I think I know you fairly well. For example, … Didn't Dumbledore tell you to stay away from any quarrel? I think he did. And I think he was right, because, some fights even you cannot possibly win."

Remus stared, furious. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, yes. I don't. I just think I talk about your violent sick 'mother'." Sirius's sarcasm was one of the most piercing. With his eyes and sharp cheekbones. All stings.

And Remus was scared.

"Go to bed, Remus. It's not your turn to be awake now." Sirius Black said and walked out of the dorm.

It hadn't been much for hate, but it had been a start. Because since then he never knew if he was really safe. He didn't know if Black knew and if he did when he is going to sell him out. And this, this constant fear, was enough for hate.