English Country Garden:
A Fic by Marauder-Girl
A/N: Yes this is another 'I randomly came up with while in work' I can't help it….. it's so boring sometimes and it's the only thing that can prevent my mind from turning to mush. Anywho… I wrote this a while ago… lost it, gave up looking for it and then decided to rewrite it. I don't know if everyone or in fact ANYONE has heard of the 'English country garden' song. But the version here is only one of many spawned from the original LOL!
Disclaimers: I do not own any of the rhymes or characters in this fic except for Professor Chapple. The rest all belong to the talented quill of the wonderful of J.K…. it's actually getting easier for me to say that… who am I kidding –Goes off and sobs in a corner-
Oh but the word 'Goit' is mine… I think? Don't quote me on it though!
"Ugh…. Muggle studies next." Groused James Potter running a hand through his unruly dark locks and scowling royally.
An amused chuckle echoed next to him and a voice asked "Then why did you take it Jamie-Boy? Oh we so know it was so you could ogle the Evans girl."
James turned and scowled even more deeply at the boy next to him, whose dark eyes were twinkling mischievously and grinning madly.
"Shut up Black!" James spat as he addressed his best friend. Sirius just smirked even more causing the slightly taller boy to smack him one round the back of the head before storming off.
"Come on Jamie-wamie you know I didn't mean it!" called Sirius after the retreating form of his best friend.
Behind him another youth walked up, his amber eyes glinted in amusement, but his tawny head was shaking in slight disgust.
"What!" cried Sirius holding his hands up in faux innocence.
The tawny haired boy was silent for a moment and then just gave an exasperated sigh.
"I honestly don't know why I put up with you brunettes. You're all intolerable goits!"
Sirius laughed "Moony you wound me… and what the hell is a goit?"
Remus smiled "It's someone who is an idiot… so it therefore fits you perfectly!"
The affronted look on Sirius's face was too much and Remus cracked up, laughing heartily.
"Come on you goit" crowed the dark haired boy, ruffling his companions hair "We'd better get there before Chapple throws a fit."
Remus winced at the hair ruffling but complied anyway. Hoping Peter had gotten them some decent seats.
Muggle studies was one of the more enjoyable classes for the Marauders. Not because of the actual class, but because the professor was of such obscure mental disposition it made most of the lessons a riot. Professor Chapple was as Lily stated a 'bonefied nutcase!' And to the Marauders 'The easiest wind up in school'
The two boys walked into the classroom and took their usual seats at the back, which Peter had wrangled off the girls.
It was a few minutes more before the Professor arrived, by which time the classroom had become something of a war zone. Chapple just walked up to the front , placed his brief case on the desk and turned to face the class arm crossed eyes glinting dangerously.
"Now class will you please settle down?" His voice boomed across the classroom, but had little affect on the warring students.
His eyebrow raised in frustration and he cleared his throat trying to attract attention, it failed miserably. So it was time for drastic measures. Producing his wand he quickly conjured a chair and lifted it into the air with a carefully aimed 'Winguardium Leviosa'. He floated the chair of the first row of desks and then slammed it down, hard, sending a resounding crash around the room. There was a small shriek from some of the more nervous members of the class, but the rest seem unphased. So sighing in resignation they turned to the front, not tempting the Professor into further mischief.
"That's better!" he said with a charming smile "It works so much better when we cooperate."
There was a brief mumble from the class of neither agreement nor disagreement.
"Right I trust you all remember where well left of last lesson?"
Now there was a groan from the class. They were currently studying the primary schooling of Muggles, an intensely boring and tedious subject. Even Remus had for once agreed with his friends saying he'd have a more interesting time being mauled by a Hippogriff. But they could do nothing about it at the moment, they were stuck there and had to persevere. Chapple smiled that annoying all-knowing little smile and addressed the class.
"As you well know young Muggle and Wizarding children find it much easier when kept in a routine, as well as being taught how to do things in a way they remember. Poems and rhymes are a vital part of this. That is why today we will be studying Nursery Rhymes and their uses."
There was another groan, which the Professor, once againm chose to ignore.
"Come now people" he continued "That is not the way to take this. You have all at some point in your life heard or even sang one of these yourself. They are here to encourage the use of language in small children. There is nothing to be ashamed of, now can anyone actually tell me a nursery rhyme?"
For a moment there was absolutely nothing and then slowly Sirius, forever the show off, raised his hand into the air, an evil smirk gracing his features. Everyone bar Chapple knew this meant nothing but trouble.
"Ah Mister Black…. What a pleasant …. Surprise" clearly shocked at Sirius' attempt at participation.
"Indeed" replied the dark haired young man, his smile never faltering once, a sign to the trained eye that mischief was a foot.
"So what one are you going to tell us?"
"Mary had a little lamb, Sir."
"Well go on then Mister Black."
Sirius cleared his throat dramatically, and shot a conspiratorial wink at the Marauders. He was planning something, James and Peter looked elated at the prospect, Remus not so much so. Raising a thin hand, the tawny headed boy covered his eyes. Not actually wishing to see the Professor kill one of his best friends.
Sirius began his poetic interlude:
"Mary had a little Lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
A thousand volt shot up its bum
And turned its wool to nylon"
There was a great shriek of laughter and Sirius bowed, lapping it all up.
"You can thank Evans for that one mate. I heard her saying it once." He muttered to James mid bow. He took his seat again after the laughter had stopped.
"Very amusing Mister Black" Said Chapple through gritted teeth "But ten points from Gryffindor I think! Now can we have someone who can recite a 'real' nursery rhyme? Not one of these stupid perversions?"
On the back row Remus was feeling quite nervous, he knew how Chapple worked and was hoping just for once he would do things differently. 'Please not me…'
"Ah Mister Lupin, you will do nicely."
'Shit!!!' "Er….. Me Sir?" he managed to get out weakly.
"Yes you. Do you know any nursery rhymes?"
In his mind Remus was conflicted, but in his heart he knew what to do. No one tried to get one over on the Marauders, absolutely No. One.
"Yes Sir, I know one.." he gulped.
"Ah fabulous Mr Lupin… If you would kindly stand and repeat it then."
Remus stood feeling a little nervous. He knew what his friends were expecting him to do, be boring, bookish old Moony. They were expecting him to spout some fabulous little rhyme and salvage the lesson before Chapple lost it. Well not today, today he was going to show them that behind his shy exterior beat the heart of a true Marauder.
"So what Rhyme are you going to tell?"
Remus flushed slightly "Um…. English country garden, Sir"
"A nice traditional one, carry on." said Chapple clearly pleased at his choice.
'Well here goes nothing…' And he began his rhyme:
"What do you do when you need the loo
In an English Country Gar-den,
Pull down your pants and piddle on the plants
In an English Country Gar-den."
Remus could already see his Professor's face going a mottled purple in anger, but still he continued knowing there was no turning back now. He smirked ever so slightly, amazed at himself, he was actually 'enjoying' this. loving every minute of this thrill he carried on with the final verse:
"What do you do when you need a poo
In an English Country Gar-den,
Pull off your pants and suffocate the ants
In an English Country Gar-den."
The class erupted in to thunderous applause and laughter, tears of hysterics streaming even in the Slytherins' seats. Remus promptly took his seat and shot a smirk at his fellow Marauders, inwardly laughing at the look of complete and utter shock on all three of their faces. Chapple however was the only one not amused, in fact he was beside himself with rage.
"QUIET ALL OF YOU!!!" He bellowed at the top of his voice.
Some silence returned but most people were still laughing madly.
"QUIET!!!!!!!!!!" He sent a chair flying across the room and smashing into a wall without even raising his wand. Instantly silence reigned. The enraged Professor took a deep breath and the focused his now murderous gaze on Remus.
"Oh very amusing Lupin" he said, bitingly sarcastic "So very amusing I think it not only deserves ANOTHER ten points from Gryffindor, but a weeks worth of detention for both yourself and Mr Black as I'm sure he put you up to this. I f that is all I'm going to get from you people then I do not wish to take this class any further! Class dismissed!!"
There was a flurry of students as everyone raced to get out of the raving mans way. Outside Remus caught up with his friends, a look of guilt mixed with humour on his face.
"Before you even say it Remus, DON'T!" Sirius smiled broadly and clapped his friend on the shoulder.
"But…. I got you detention too…" replied the guilt ridded werewolf, bowing his head slightly.
"Don't even bother feeling guilty Moony! I've been in detention tons of times before…. And this one was so worth it. Did you see the look on Chapple's face!! I thought he was having a hernia!!"
Remus laughed loudly "True…. But it was nothing compared to your faces…. I thought your jaws were going to drop through the floor…"
And all four of them walked of laughing, already plotting what mischief the could wreck in their next class, transfiguration. McGonagall wasn't going to know what hit her.
The End
A/N: YAY finally finished this! w00t!